If I were someone else you'd probably love me.

Labels: depressing

Cinta tegarkan hatiku
Tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku berkata
Tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta hati
Bagai raga tak bernyawa

And honestly, i don't understand malay language that much.

Labels: dreams, loveee, sad

Pon and Zi
azuzephre.net

I pretty much have that ugly thingy growing out of me now. Eeeee.

Labels: happy talk

I have to finish 10 drawings by tommorow! My brain is all clogged up and I can't think of any bloody function for my vacuum. I need elves. I need elves to help me do my homework.

And updates on my foot:
got a lot worse on tuesday. God help me it hurts to walk! And it doesn't help at all cause I'm getting fatter and fatter everyday!

Why do I like exclamation marks! why!




I loooove pon and zi.
azuzephre.net

❤

Labels: blah, loveee

It's getting harder and harder faking a smile in school. I feel like my face has stiffened and it's now some ugly porcelain piece waiting to crack. It's like I'm really trying to put myself back together and gluing the pieces. But then inside its like this pressure, this force, these waves of emotions trying to break out, trying to shatter the outer surface and expose the core beneath.

I admit I have not been mentally there. People talk to me and I'm not really paying attention. All I'm doing is actually trying to stop myself from bursting out in tears or bouts of anger. I'm having a really hard time keeping it all together.

Pardon me if I'm not being understanding or whatever. I'm having a very hard time coping with being ugly, being not good enough, being unworthy, being useless, being a screwup, being a horrible friend, etc. It hurts like fucking hell inside. And everyone is just throwing all these stuff onto me, like piling and piling, making me feel more and more worthless, ugly, and incompetent. For a moment, just stop and try to understand why it isn't that easy to pretend that everything is okay.

I just want a hug. It feels like shit now.

Labels: depressing, fat, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, listless, sad

❤

I'm gna bleed myself dry. So don't disturb me.

Labels: depressing

Why does it always have to hurt?

Labels: sad

I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY I WANT A PUPPY!!!!!



Ana needs to lose 15kgs and get a puppy. I want to wear zaki's shades. I want waffles too.


BLEARGH. I wonder if this face would change 15kgs later.
Ok faster faster clean my room so I can study and camwhore moreee!

Labels: animals, blah, random talk

Managed to go Swensens for dinner and I'm really really really broke. I have no money to go swimming, or food for the next week. Ah, die.

Chee Sing and I dined with Prince Caspian for dinner and he was so smitten you should've seen his face.

We're happy kids eating apple crumble.

To sum up tonight, I'm going to sabo chee sing with this:



LOL.

Labels: boys, happy talk

Labels: music, sad

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
-Iris, The Holiday

Sigh, how can I not be good enough?





http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Solace-86288878


Out of the 6 classes I had today, I only attended 2. Yes, I ought to be shot. Will study tonight and maybe watch sad movies.

Labels: deviantart, loveee, unrequited

You are walking down the street one day and your foot get stuck in a hole. You can't pull your foot out. You're stuck there, under the rain, the blazing hot sun, and the cold wind. Everyone is moving around you, everyone is moving. Someone presses the fast forward button on the remote, and they move around you like blurry shadows caught in the momentum of life. And you're stuck, unmoving. The universe doesn't wait for you. The universe doesn't care. Everyone is living, everyone is moving on, everyone is drifting further and further away from you. Sometimes, just sometimes, you feel like you should be out of the hole after a while but then you're fine with being caught up in your own world. You're watching, quietly, at the corner of your eye. You fall in love with a passing stranger, you watch the people around you chase their dreams and fall in love with other people, you watch your own hands turn pale and dry. You hope for someone to notice you and help you out. But then you're stuck. Everyone is moving so fast now, they can't see you anymore. They're running, running, running... away.

Now you're here all alone and everyone has moved on. How do you go on from here? How do you catch up? A part of you wants to be stuck forever. You want to be living in the moment, stuck. A part of you is trying to drag you along with everyone else but you're kicking and screaming on the floor in protest. Who needs more, when this is ideal? What happens in the future, what if things never stay the same, what if you'll never feel this way again?

You're looking for the remote, but there's no remote. Where's the stop button?




.



I'm so emotionally stretchedddddd. And I ran 3.5km today and walked 1.5! yay yay yay will last longer next time.

Labels: blah, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, listless, sad

I'm reading my I & C notes and currently I'm mm sam mm say. Mana eh sai? Got notes, cannot study. My brain like lau pok how! So ma fan. I & C so jialat. then dat kelvin hor ji seow me on msn, i want to do my work also cannot! nahbeh. I now kan cheong. If cannot do den how sial. Wah piang, eh!

HOW HOW HOW. But neh mind la. My yan dao chee sing today so nice lahh. I sayang my FF (friends forever!) lahhhh. Banyak banyak sayang ok. My kawan buy singlish book for me oneee. Damn interesting. I LOIKEEEE.

How now, my english sucks! LOL.

Labels: happy talk, singlish

I think some days you try to make yourself happy, and you tell everyone that you're delighted so as not to worry them or pull them down together with your moods. You jump around, you smile, you listen to happy music, and you do everything it takes to make yourself feel okay. But then you know, as soon as the music stops, you're going to be crumbling and disintegrating, and you're going to fall apart and find your hands around your neck.

I'm sick of feeling like this.

Labels: depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better

I AM BORED. SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION WITH ME!

Labels: blah

13 going on 30 is one of my favourite movies ever.

What always stuck in my head was the scene where Jenna and Matt were on the swings and they jumped off and fell on the sand, and then Matt kissed her.

Jenna: You want to know a secret?
Matt: Yeah.
Jenna: You're the sweetest guy I've ever met.


(:

Labels: loveee, movie

I'm lamenting over my non-existant social life. Sigh. People are dying all over the world and I'm here worrying that I'm not living my life to the fullest. I want to have slumber parties and pillowfights, I want to do crazy stuffs, and I won't be satisfied with walking around orchard road and sitting at starbucks eating cheescake. All these adult activities are boring me. I'm living sophisticated shit most of the time. I want to do something new. I hate predictability. AHHH. Please someone drag me out of this place and throw me in a jungle and force me to survive. Force me to live life in utter randomness and unpredictability.

Kelvin Loh is so interesting that I find everyone else boring. Mundane. Lifeless. Makes it really hard for me to get to know other people because now my expectations are higher! Lol. And I'm beginning to show some chee sing traits, like talking to myself, being a little random and thinking too much. HAHAHA.

I think it's the chocolate.

I want to wear crazy make up tonight.

I want to go bowling.

I want to run around naked.

CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN?

Okay, call me tonight people. I'm giving my horny cells away.

Labels: blah, friends, random talk

I have been in love so many times, waited years for them to see the light and show up at my door, and they never do. I know what it's like to waste my time holding onto hope that doesn't exist. How you try so hard all the time and you'll always stay the bestfriend, nothing more. I've sort of become used to this that I've become numb. I'm telling you, unreciprocated love is a waste of time and you should just move on because it's only a fool's hope. They can't see you or love you? It's not your burden to bear as it's their loss cause they'll never know who you are or what a great person you can be. I know why we wait months and years for them to love us. It's because if we let go now, we'll feel that in the future if we keep holding on to it they might see the light and notice we've been there all along. But the day NEVER comes. Then when we realise our fingers have grown cold and brittle that we're being forced to let go, only then we can see how much time and energy we have wasted chasing after this unattainable dream, when we could've used it all to do great things in life.

I know I've been in love, and I have to keep telling myself why it's not worth it. Because I've never gotten anything I've asked for and I've sort of accepted that it will never ever happen to me at all. Some people are meant to be alone. Maybe it's my calling. A wanderer, alone at crossroads.

Labels: dreams, i swear i'm trying to get better, letting go, sad, unrequited

I'm limping.

Oh dear god the bottom part of my calve(sp?) hurtssss. I dreamt I was running about the neighbourhood non-stop. When I woke up I was kind of exhausted in a good way so I didn't go out to run. Must be all the talk about block catching Kelvin told me about.

Kind of brings me back to what I did in my childhood. It's all grey and blur to me now. I didn't bring those parts of me along while growing up. I remember running up a hill behind our house and then racing to the top, and my sister would be too scared to climb up higher, but then I would run up and there was this huge rock at the top of the hill. I would climb on it and watch dragonflies flying around me and from up there you could see everything. Wow, if only I could go up there again and live the moments again like a child. I don't live there anymore, but occasionally I take the bus 911 and pass by that place and I see the greeny hill from a far and imagine what it would be like to roll down it.

When I was a child everyday seems to be so exciting because there were so many things to see, and to do- things like climbing up a level higher on the jungle gym, pulling down pants of my boy classmates at school and eating 'air batu'(those frozen juice thingy). Minus the hatred I had towards my grandmother and the fear of my mum, it was a good thing being alive.

I think I should be classy. My playlist is emo shit. Need things like au revoir simone or the weepies. Something like that. Imagine wearing a sheer white dress and holding a red balloon walking bare footed on miles and miles of nothing but grass and trees. And stepping on crunchy leaves of course, but then my feet would hurt.

Ahh, I think I should get girly clothes. Anyone anyone anyone?

Labels: blah, growing up, pondering

I had a fun day stepping on crunchy leaves.

And I must remind my insecure pisces friend kel loh that he's very very attractive and sexy. =p

Right, time to be hysterical again!

Labels: friends, happy talk

I have a strong desire to shave off my hair now. AHHHH *screams* Okay I'm so tired and I have to deal with my emotional shit I really have no time for project work!
OH MY GOD JUST, FUCK OFF SERIOUSLY I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF THE GOSSIP AND THE BAD MOUTHING. oh dear god I don't want to go to school anymore except to see chee sing's lee hom's nose. I was so fucking pissed off today because a mob of stupid boys were making some rude comments. =( Fuck sial they all. STUPID MEAN BOYS!

OKAY FUCKING BITCH HAVING HER PMS AND CRAMPS SO FUCK OFF THANKS!

Someone is planting their fists against my uterus wall and it hurts.

Labels: bitching, pms

In the morning there was this sound on the train which sounded like a fingernail dragged across a chalkboard and I couldn't decide whether it was the train parts malfunctioning or my own brain disintegrating.

I can feel my own hands around my neck. Choking, trying to get that ball of fuzziness back inside. Like fuck, Ana, just swallow it, nothing's going to change anyway. It's not going to make you anymore lovely or smarter or more sophisticated. It's not going to get you picked. So just swallow it back in, Ana. Fuck, swallow it!

Sometimes I wish I was 16 forever, in a girls school, plotting my suicide and this didn't have to matter anymore.

Labels: depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, listless, unrequited

OH people people I decided to be boring and use a pre-made layout! Don't worry this is still Rafhana trying to lead a very girly boring life by being common yay yay yay!

This morning was pretty bad. I kind of felt ridiculous for being alive. Yeah yeah I know I'm unwanted.

I went swimming ALONE today while waiting for time to pass. Cool there was no one there and I did 14 laps (haha shut up my fitness sucks okay, ) and oh, a very fat white woman flashed at me in the toilet. Yesh I need to take a break from life, seriously. I'm so fucking sick of thinking about stuff. Sometimes I feel like I want to put my head in the water and suck it all in so I don't have to go through any of this anymore. What doesn't break you makes you stronger, they say. But how can it make sense when this is the worst thing I've ever felt and I don't think there's going to be anything more painful than this? Somehow you try to fix it, make it more bearable, but then it shoots you back right in the face like a big fat meanie and you don't think it could get any worse than that. It sucks being here okay. I'm having a really really hard time. It doesn't help that my friends are avoiding me and want to spend lesser and lesser time with me. This is not called being needy. This is called 'I'm only human and I can't deal with this alone'.

So I'm trying to end it all by trying to kill myself with my exercise routine, and cut my food intake to 900 calories a day.

Monday: Swimming / Gym
Tuesday: Gym
Wednesday: Muay Thai
Thursday: Off.
Friday: Gym, Intense Training with Tiararararaaa
Saturday: Floorball
Sunday: Floorball

In two months I can become her:



Or HER.



Or I could die of overworking so my sister will call you all to attend my funeral okay. Thanks.

I can't be bothered to pull myself together.

Labels: blah, depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, sickly talk

It's 1.18 am and Ana's dancing on the dining table with a bottle of coke zero singing to CHAKA KHAN.

I'm every womannnnnnn!

Labels: happy talk, random talk

So, I've decided that I'm going to write and write incoherently on this blog as long as it makes me happy. Uh huh I'm like vomiting out words. The problem is I'm a very lonely person and I need to constantly talk to someone and ramble and wail and kick and throw tantrums and I'm sorry to say that my sister has to bear the brunt of it because PEOPLE DON'T CARE. Therefore thanks a lot Tiara, talking to you sure has made me feel better. I love you loads. You totally get me and I'm really really grateful.

I've decided to be a good girl and JOG tomorrow. My right knee isn't doing well and my dad has decided to donate his kneeguards to me.

Ah fuck. fffffffuckkkkkkk!

List of things to do:

1) Lose 15kg
2) Get my capoeira guy
3) Save money
4) Stop feeling
5) stop feeling, stop being silly, stop being human, stop feeling
6) Make this shit go away.
7) Get my fucking life back
8) Study everyday
9) EH photography stuff.
10) Write godfuckingdamnit

I'm just in a horrible place right now. You can just see that my room is in a state of despair. I don't care about anything, I just throw things around in my room, just mess everything up. I can't even begin to feel good about myself. Forget the events that has happened in the last few days, my own fucking life is calling for help. oh god i am depressed. I've been depressed since sec 2 so can you imagine. Can you fucking imagine what this is doing to my life. AHH I can feel the extent of this pain. I CAN FEEL IT oh goddamnit. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK.

This happens when you're trying to recover and stop doing what you did to numb that pain and then you start feeling everything and it's really hard to get through the day. Yes, it's true, talking to people HELPS. I can't fathom what I'm feeling so how could I even tell you.

I can't do this on my own. I'm going to kill myself trying.

I need to jump in the sea or something. I need a hug. I need to fucking stop this shit. I hate feeling like shit all the time. Why does it fucking seem like everything ends up like its my fault and why does it seem like i'm always bearing the brunt of the pain why why! I feel like I'm at the bottom of the foodchain. Oh no, I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom. Like garbage, a pile of crap, then I'm underneath in all.

I need to do something. But I don't want to. It's not like I want to feel sad. I just can't be fucked to dig myself out of this hole. I'm afraid when I get out I'll never feel those things again. I have no interest but this. I'm consumed. I'm channeling all I have towards this. I can't free myself. SHIT. shittt. ahhhhhh fuck!

Yeah apparently my swearing vocab is limited to 'fuck' only.

Labels: annoying, blah, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, mental disorders

Sleep is useless. I never feel better whenever I wake up. I felt so listless and like ugh, just another day I’m going have to force myself to be happy. I SWEAR THIS IS PMS AND IT WILL NOT ENDURE. Listen to Faramir, ‘I do not believe this darkness will endure.’

(You know I should go back to being a geek watching Lord Of The Rings over and over again and memorizing the script, and believe that Lord Faramir will forever be the one for me.)

So I forced myself out of bed, went to Syiqah’s room, and started wailing. Like a mad dog. Apparently, everyone is too busy for me that I have to go and scream at my sister. Then I went out and started practicing my floorball passes rather angrily and I think the wall has some indentations and some paint off it. My mum’s going to freak but I don’t care. I was pretending the ball was my head and I was hitting it against the wall like PAK PAK PAK (wth, why pak?). Imagining self-harm oh god how retarded is that. My head’s in pretty nice shape and I don’t feel like I’m ready to disfigure it by hitting it against the wall. Then my sister kind of got fed up at me cause I was wailing so much so she would rather spend time with her angmoh friend more than me and then she wore her retarded clothes and left the house. Then I was alone in the house and started making an omelet for myself. Then I watched Debbie Travis and then I got a bit queasy because I was bored so I went to steal my estranged sister’s westlife cd from her room and played it on the retarded radio in the sitting room and blasted it as loud as I thought appropriate.

OH MY GOD, I have verbal diarrhea and god it feels so much better. And listening to Westlife makes me feel so much better. AHAHHA oh dear god, so primary school. And no one’s at home so I can sing like so fucking loudly and emo-ly.

‘I’ve been keeping it inside, feeling I could die. If you turn away, baby that’s okay, you can’t lose what you never hadddd. Ooooooooh…’

AHHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAA WA WA WA EEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOW WAAAA.


Let's be boring and do this questionaire.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

I have no goal in life so I don't know. If I can even find someone who wants to marry me then I'd be really lucky. Otherwise I'll just get married to myself or Faye cause she's lesbian and she's in love with me.

2. What I want the most now?

Time travel. So I could go back and warn myself not to do stupid things.

3. Do you believe of love at first sight?

No, I believe that that love at first sight is equivalent to infatuation and that'll be the shallowest degree of love you'll ever feel for a person.

4. Do you think u have enough confidence?

HAHA what do you think.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?

That I'm going to be happy at the end of the day where ever god takes me. Things happen for a reason and I hope, hope, I'm going to be happy at the end of it all.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

Now? No. Maybe. I don't know.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?

Losing the present. I'm afraid I'll never experience any of that again.

8. Do you believe in eternity love?

Yes. And you've got to fight for it.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

yeah. Next question please.

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your the other half?

I don't know. I'll accept him wholly. If you set requirements you'll never meet your other half because people aren't perfect.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?

Bimbotic bitchy women.

12. Do you cherish every single of your friendship?

Yes. They're so precious. I can't imagine waking up without them.

13. Do you believe in God?

Yeah.

14. What do you see in your future?

Running away, a train that never ends, a love that never exist... okay okay, truthfully, I'll be a damn good photographer.

15. Do you find it a need for you to have a boyfriend /girlfriend?

No. I'm happy with small things.

16. At this point of time, would you rather stay in your comfort zone or try something new?

try something new. break the momentum.

17. What kind of friend you hope to be in your friends eyes?

someone you can trust and tell everything to.

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?

my clinginess to people. bad bad.

19. What's your weak point ?

heart. *tears* I'm a girl what do you expect.

20. What do you look forward to now?

Everything going back to normal.

Labels: annoying, blah, boys, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, listless, pms, sickly talk

What happens when you fall down and break your heart into pieces? How do you get rid of the pain living inside the crevices of your soul? What if it's too deep, what if it grows like a disease?

How do I go on from here? How do I pick up the pieces, how do I wash away the marks on the walls because of my own doing?

Stand back up. Wake up and smell the flowers, open my eyes to dawn. The pain will go away. It always goes, it heals. Like the marks on my hands, my legs, they turn into white lines after some time. No wound is ever gaped open. They turn to scars, scars turn to red lines, red lines turn to white skin. I will be okay, I will recover, I will be healed.

There were times I was genuinely happy. Genuinely happy around people I really cared about. Every smile around you was real because I was a girl, enchanted. It wasn't always in pain. It was like on aladdin's magic carpet (lol.) I was really really happy most of the time.

I'm okay now. Ana is okay now. It has stopped bleeding. I'm just wrapping the bandages and standing back up.

I'm okay now.




(In the morning I stood in front of the camera and wept and it helped a lotttt.)

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Mrning-85086564
sunrise.

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Over-My-Shoulder-85148050
Not a pretty morning face.

Labels: deviantart, letting go, loveee, pondering, unrequited

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,

Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,

Drunk,

Tired,

Lost.

Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like I’m falling, losing my way,

Cold, dry,
Cold and dry.

Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,

Cold,
Drunk,
Cold and drunk.

-Over My Shoulder.

I need time to pull myself back together. I will be okay. I will be alright. It's going to be okay.

This won't hurt a bit.

=\

I'm very dizzy. I don't want to sleep. I am tired. I don't know what to do. I want to stay up all night and hope everything fixes itself. I'm very numb now.

I'm just concerned about getting through the day.

Labels: blah, depressing, loveee, sad, unrequited

The truth can't change anything. It doesn't set you free. The truth hurts. It's brutal. It's cruel. Vile.



I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died.
I feel like I'm slipping away...

Labels: depressing, letting go, loveee, unrequited

So after making a promise to myself that I'm going to start being happy, I've been laughing my ass off in school. But as soon as I step on that train home I get all mangled and depressed. I would like to blame it on PMS. There are days where I feel I can't get better, or that this feeling would last forever and I would have no control over it.

I'm losing interest in everything. I have this really huge cloud over my head and I just want to bury myself under the pile of clothes and blankets and legions of ants and notes soaked in lemon tea. For a moment I just want to stop doing things. I want to stay here and wake up when I'm okay.

Thank god for school and kelvin telling me gay stuffs that cracks me up.

I don't care how delusional this is but chee sing is gorgeous in this! And i will bump this just to keep me happy hahahahah.

Labels: blah, pms

Fuck what are these teardrops doing here.

=[




http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Korean-Boy-84609258

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Lift-me-back-up-to-the-sun-84464383

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/white-84420482

Labels: deviantart, photography, sad

Disappear.
Disappear.
Higher
Higher
Into the air
Slowly disappear
No, no, longer here.

Thinner
Thinner
Into the air.

I need more depressing songs to fill this void.

I wish I was like 'Zaki's nyer kawan punye ex' and just lay out my feelings bare here. You can choose your actions but not the consequences. I don't know what will happen if I be completely honest and raw. I want YOU to know. I hate keeping secrets, I HATE smiling pretending I'm okay and am fine with it. I'm not. I'm just a fucking whiny girl after all. Yes, I'm not strong enough to see how this information is going to benefit you. After all, ignorance is bliss right?

Then I guess, you'll never know. And I have to accept the fact that I'm going to keep wasting my time pursuing the unattainable. I'll never stop because I'm not going to stand there later on thinking I should've done something about it. Missed chances. Opportunities that fly past you. I'm wasting my time, so what? It's worth it. I'd do anything to salvage what I can. It's the small things that you chuck away, and I pick them up and keep them in a box.

Being in pain is better than sitting here crying everynight like an ugly fuck. I want to be cold again. Cold and bitter. I don't want to feel anymore. Because it fucking hurts more than being here, now. It hurts more than living the moment. There are times where I want to go back being screwed and broken, if it means I don't get to deal with 24 hours of emotional turmoil. But do you know why I don't do that anymore? I need to feel what it's like to be happy and to love someone as if my fucking life depended on it. That it's time for me to fucking move on and grow up and deal with my feelings. I can't run away from myself forever.

Guess what, I've accepted the fact that 'kiter takde harapan'. How perfect do I have to be 'untuk awak bukak mata besar besar dan tengok aper yang ader di depan mata kamu?' The truth HURTS. It doesn't change anything, it doesn't make anything better. I would rather lie and make everyone happy. So I'm zipping up, and you will never know, or understand, even if you pry my mouth open.


Yes, then maybe that's that. It's not going to change.

Labels: blah, boys, sad

Walls are getting higher and higher. I might not get out. I might live here forever. I might not escape. I might be this forever. Can you pass me the rope? I might use it to climb. I might use it around my neck. Maybe I'll be here forever, forever, forever.
No windows, no doors.
I might be this forever.
I might be at the other end of this world. Alone.
I'm sorry I can't do this alone. I tried. I can't.
I'm going to do it again.

I just want to wrap myself and fucking weep. For days, months, years.

Fuck.






She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, She’s a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.
But I won't let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat choke
Torn into pieces
I won't, no!
I don't wanna be this...
But I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real
I can't make her real
She isn't real
I can't make her real

-Slipknot Vermillion part 2

Labels: depressing, escape

i'm bored.

anyway here are shots from my photography trip.

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Lift-me-back-up-to-the-sun-84464383
After my trip. Funny how this made the final cut and the shots from botanic gardens and macritchie didn't make it.

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/white-84420482
Botanic Gardens.

Labels: blah, deviantart, photography

I'm going to be a bit boring today but I had like the most interesting day! Haha it was supposed to be a photography trip but... Ahyah I'm a really bad photographer. We went to botanic gardens, and the trekked through macritchie reserve! Oh so tiring la.

I made my own record by coming 45 mins late, and almost losing my wallet. Oh my god, phew.


Happy Rafhana walking and walking. Lol. Pardon the stupid face. The real face is stupiderrr.

Oh we saw two squirrels going to mate so that's a first for meeee!


I think we walk until like siao already. Haha. Around botanic gardens then to macritchie! Aiyo. Kelvin was still super super energetic and he was all 'areyoutiredareyoutiredareyoutired?' Need... stamina... lol.



Monkey! Not taken by me of course. I realised today I'm a very very bad photographer.



HAHAHA bad picture, but hey it's us!

The boy got seriously moody after that. lol. and like, snatched my canon ixus and start browsing pictures of me without tudung. HAHAHAH.

Okay i'm sorry this entry is completely retarded.

Labels: friends, happy talk, photography