So here's what I've came up with.

I'm really really sick, what a way to start the new year. lohoho why did you infect meeee. the cough is seriouly putting my spine out of whack again.

Yesterday, new year's eve, me and loh went to watch Ip Man. It was so cool at first, but I hated the mandarin dub. I prefer to watch it in cantonese haha. Then when the war came I was cringing alot because there was alot of blood and unexpected shooting. I was covering my eyes and eating lots of popcorn to distract myself. It was one of the coolest fight scenes I've ever watched but then kelvin showed me another one of donnie yen's mma fight scene, but i prefered the wing chun more because it has more grace then say, jiu jitsu and boxing stuff. kelvin suggested I take jiu jitsu. HAHA what? One lesson of muay thai and I was going to die, jiu jitsu is tough man. With this bad back someone's going to throw me down and make me incapable of walking forever. I don't know what un-loner life turned me into, because i've become the biggest bag of girl crap in the history of girldom. I used to watch war movies ALONE and opened my eyes huge and watched people blow each other brains off, watched Barry Pepper step on a landmine and get blown. (ugh.) I'm such a pansy nowadays. Either that or I'm showing off to lohoho that I'm very pretty and girly. But i'm really really scared!

I spent so much money yesterday because someone just had to get broke by going for a feet massage. I am truly a mamasan. A very kind mamasan too, who doesn't ask to be be paid with steamy sex with 10000000000 sweaty young men. Sigh. As women age, we don't get laid anymore. Sad, really. Talk about lubricating wrinkled vaginas.

I taste blood in my throat. My cough is HORRIBLE.

I thought I was going to have roses in 2008. I did, somehow. Alot of things happened, the events that made us cry, laugh... made us stronger, the whirlwind of emotions, the happiness... my diary that was filled up with smilies and drawings of broken hearts, with 'louvre', 'starbucks' and 'ikea' written all inside it. The year seemed endless when I was happy. When I was sad, it seemed as though 2008 had no roses for me. But when I think about all the things that happened, I'm so grateful for everything. And I'm so happy because I got to experience all this with you. Geez, this may sound cheesy but we don't just walk through life and meet random people. How many times can you walk through life and find your soulmate? How many people know what is going on in your mind, your shifting moods, know you through and through?

My new year's resolution is also to pray for you to be happy.

Happy new year.

Labels: loveee, movie, pondering

I'm having a splitting headache and I'm still managing a post. I should get a medal for this.

I watched Oprah this morning and it struck a chord. I am afraid to be happy because I'm afraid of downfall, that maybe one day my happiness would end.

I am a destination addict. It's been true with weight loss, everything that I want in life. Because I'm so afraid to be happy, I settle for 'good but not enough, and then complain.' No wonder Kelvin said I complain so much. No wonder nothing is ever good enough. No wonder I find myself inadequate. Maybe a few years ago I wished I had someone really special, and after that when I was on the verge of hardcore emotional death, I said it's alright because if you are happy then I will be happy. But then we got a step higher and I am not happy. Seeing you happy doesn't make me happy because I'm not happy. The things people do for me doesn't make me happy because it was never enough. I refused to be happy because I'm afraid that the day I put on a genuine smile I would lose everything.

I always feel like I do so much for other people but they did anything for me. I feel like the only one who's running around, pleasing everybody. Did I feel happy? To a certain extent but I feel so uncared for. But what I didn't see was that I am significant to someone's life and that should be the thing I should be happy about. So what the hell am I complaining about?

List 10 things that you are happy about.

1) I am a bloody good writer. My articles are top 2 and 3, and the lousy ones are at the top 15% at least
2) I take very good pictures.
3) If you're smart enough, I'm the least boring person you'll ever meet.
4) I am significant.
5) I am happy that I have a complete family that never had to face a bitter divorce. Plus my parents are really rich because they crap out loads and loads of money and I get cool gadgets from them every year for my birthday.
6) I can draw PEOPLE!
7) I'm not hopeless. I dont stare at someone's picture 24/7 when I'm in love with them while drooling all over the keyboard.
8) I am actually pretty smart.
9) I am kind and caring. (That's why I get to sleep with lots and lots of people every week.)
10) I have the bestest person to share my life with.

There's no need to pursue happiness. Because it gets further and further away. We'll never be happy. I've been waiting my whole life to be happy. Inside ourselves there actually resides a happy place. This is the place where when everything else in life fails, we can always run back to. And this is something no one can take away from us. When you're happy, you'll attract happy things in life. No wonder some people are never happy. They can't find the happiness within.

So I need to meditate and do some weird self-help stuff because I'm ready to admit that I am actually, happy.

It's the seventh day and I'm actually chipper! I can't wait to see/speak to cheesing again.

all I want for christmas is youuuuuuu

Labels: happy talk, pondering, positive thinking

I woke up this morning, shoot, I forgot all about 18th december.

A year ago I went to school to do my CAD homework during the holidays because I couldn't do the trajectory thing. Then my classmate, Kelvin, who recently started talking to me offered to help me with my hairdryer and he was pretty brilliant, doing his whole CAD magic, like a tech savvy fairy. It was pretty late after we were done and we went out for dinner, at siam kitchen, where i ordered this dish I'm still very fond of now, and kelvin ordered a green curry. I got the lemon grass tea because I didnt know what lemon grass was and regretted not knowing because it sucked. The green curry made kelvin sick and he swore off siam kitchen for the rest of his dining life. After that we took the lrt to bukitpanjangplaza, where he showed me the cool lrt windows. Then we had our first starbucks. He got me a large caramel mocchiato and he had some tea. A year later, I still have the dinner receipt pinned onto my board, and the most interesting conversation I've ever had with anyone in my entire life replaying in my head. Little did I know, that night was the beginning of a very special friendship, a deep connection and closeness anyone could ever feel with another human being, and a whole load of emotions and suprises that came along with it.

And I pretty much sound crazy here, but here is my tribute, to my companion.

I still feel very sleepy. And I'm so poor. I regret spending 20 bucks on scrap book items yesterday.

Labels: bored, friends, loveee, miss you, pondering

I find babbling incessantly about *giggles* very gratifying. I am ashamed of myself for being such a girl, but ahhh I'm so happy. 'Love is a mutual self-giving that ends in self-recovery.' I suppose I am a bit hateful inside, but it's slowly ceasing because kelvin loh is the greatest, kindest person I've ever known, and he makes me grow, teaches me to be a better person, patient (with a few screams and hateful tears now and then) with me. I was screwed up. I was broken and suicidal. You have no idea how much better I am now. Adam would be so proud of me.

Look out for a man with the water sign, he will make you happy. Look out for a dark-haired sagittarius, and a fair-haired fire sign, and they will make you feel good once again. There is happiness in your future.

I've found the man with the water sign. I know the fair-haired lady. Who shall be the dark-haired sagittarius? Let's see if this holds true. I am truly happy with pisces man :)

I love going to ikea and yesterday I ate the fish and chips and it was the best fish and chips I've ever had. We usually go there for the Daim cake, which is gorgeous and yummy, and also the free flow of coke lol. I'm sending christmas cards to people, so drop me with your address if you want one (:

It's the second day since my sister flew to new delhi. The other side of the house is empty- I'm all alone. Kelvin might not be here for christmas, I'm starting to hear the crickets already.






EDIT:

FUCK BOYS AND THEIR STUPID VIDEO GAMES! Death to crisis core/fallout/red alert/warcraft/and what have you. This is so annoying! annoying! annoying!!!! fuck, i;m having a bitchfit and i have no one to talk to! ass!

Labels: friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, smitten

My brain is lacking insightful ponderings. It is now filled with slime and cobwebs. I miss doing absolutely nothing, like spend a Saturday morning reading a book, walking around spotlight and watching movies on my own. I used to be so independent. I used not to care whether people thought I was a lonely freak or a moron who likes to do things on her own. Now, everything has changed. When something so amazing happened to my life, the monotonous routine of spending quality time with me stopped. I stopped going to the library by myself, I stopped drawing and writing, the world that I knew, was at a stand still. The taste of something sweet makes me want more. It is how clinginess is developed. You spend so much time with someone that you want more.

Me? I am emotionally untrimmed. The whole bag of emotions residing inside of me is like an abandoned garden; imagine weeds, overgrown grass, dead flowers and wild growth. It needs to be gardened because my emotions are ravaging. I feel sorry for Kelvin who has to manage me. I am high maintenance. I will cry when someone does not want to talk to me. It makes me look like an ugly garden, infested with snakes and monsters, just like how the teaspoon-sized brain that I have is filled with unwanted thoughts. I am emotionally needy. It makes me sick to the stomach and I completely understand when you tell me I am sickening. It gets to a point where I become very selfish and think that the world revolves around me. I think that your activities revolve around my life, and your social life needs to be stopped because I want to be the only one you talk to. It is so fucking disgusting that writing this down makes me feel horrible about myself. In fact, I think that right now I should throw myself into a lion's den and let my body be devoured.

I have a lot to learn and these baby steps that I am taking are not enough to make you stand me. I am insecure and I constantly need somebody to tell me that I am definitely better than the rest of them. Flawed in everyway, deep inside I always feel shitty for being the person that I am, that I am probably your concrete wall from the rest of the world, your friends, your dreams. I am trying hard to change- to break the bones of my hand that is wrapped around your neck. It was not my intent to put you on a leash, to put you on a puppet show to please me all the time. It was not my intent to act like a sick person who constantly needs undying attention.

I need to snap out of this. My emotions are taking over my life and my brain. I cannot think like a logical person. I do things based purely on my emotions, with no regard for the needs of others. I need to be fixed.

I had a very good day today. Too bad, they put mutton in the noodles because I have sworn off beef and other animals alike. So every time I accidentally took a bite into a mutton chunk, I’ll scream ‘oops I ate the little goat!’

I wish people would talk to me at night because I am really lonely at home because my sisters don’t want to talk to me. I miss movie nights. =(

Labels: boys, listless, loveee, pondering

I watched Oprah in the morning and it was about the laws of attraction. What you think is what you get. We constantly send messages to the universe. Pessimism will be rewarded with a suckier life, and optimism- the rest of your life will fall into place. It was quite enlightening. I was hot and bothered in the morning, until I imagined cheesing giving me a call at 6.

True enough, cheesing called me at 6.45 and he made this sing-song exclamation, 'I'M BACKKKK!' I've never been more relieved. After the nights dreaming about cheesing being mauled by tigers or molested by giant baboons off the streets of malaysia, he's back. His private parts are still intact, I hope. LOL. So now Ana is a happy happy girl. Yay, I can start doing FYP now.

I was examining how I've subconsiously applied the laws of attraction. I had a vision of me carrying one of the polar bears at kiddy palace, and guess what, not long after that we were at the arcade and we won a polar bear! I've repelled malay boys somehow (by the power of my thinking, voila!) Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sarong party girl, nor do i gnaw on the fingers of chinese men. I am attracted to anyone with enough level of sophistication. Anyway, I had a thought that I was going to be kissed when I'm 18, and it came true.

So on the show these life coaches were saying that we should not obssess over the thought. Instead we just think about it, and then we surrender, and the universe will take over. Most of the cases, my thoughts that had come true were never in my mind obssessively. It was something that was good for me, but I didn't need it. I am content with my life in every way possible though I am aware that I ramble about the suckiness of it a lot, yes. The thing is, if you think life sucks, it will SUCK.

Everyday I need to look at myself in the mirror and exclaim, 'I love you, Rafhana! I love life and life loves me!' We wouldn't believe it at first, we're probably just saying it for the sake of saying it. But in order to grow a tree, we need to plant a seed, and these affirmations are our seed, and from that we water it, care for it, and it will grow into our tree. I'm pumped to grow into a better person. I'm motivated to improve the quality of my life. I'm happy with all the friends I have, I'm happy because I've got cheesing, I'm happy that my standard of living is acceptable (and luxurious on good days.) We can't have the best of everything, but I am grateful for the things I already have.

So cheers to that, I'm to start doing my fyp now before someone rips off my head.

Labels: happy talk, loveee, pondering, positive thinking

I predict that in the course of these few days, I'm going to have numerous blog posts and have blogging dihorrea. When I'm by myself I tend to drift into my thoughts and compulsively write them down because well, raf can't really shut her trap even for a moment.

Yesterday dinner without my secondsister was tense. There was no conversation, my mum was in a foul mood as usual, my little sister was moping by herself and conversations that I initiated went ignored. So I gave up and decided to stare at my food and shut up, fully aware that my mum was watching me. Then I sat in the living room to drink my coke and my dad came along and he started to talk about how much he ate. I know his intentions were good, but most of the time I don't know what to say to him. As we get older I find that it's harder to talk to my parents. When I want to talk to them they wouldn't talk to me, but when they want to talk to me, I completely shut them off. Sometimes it feels so fake, this facade we put up for each other. 19 years I've lived in this family, and I know absolutely nothing about my parents. I only know my mum as cold and pms-y, and I stay away from her as much as I can; I know my dad is a scary sleeping volcano and he doesn't argue with my mum that much. It's a lot worse when we're in the same elevator because the silence is awkward. It appals me that we live like strangers in the same house.

If you've wondered why I don't talk alot around people I'm not close to, it is because I never have any idea about what to say. So most of the time I'm sucked into my own daydreams and thoughts and think about what to write when I get home. Even around my own friends I drift into the world inside my shell, and when I talk it's like my heart is never there. When I met fishboy he was the person I've always wanted to meet. With him I feel like we're one entity. He pulled me out of my shell and with him I felt so real. Like my existence was justified, I was there, and I wasn't dreaming. Instead he was the one drifting into his thoughts and I loved to sit in front of him watching the little boy running deep into the fortress I could only dream of entering. On thursday that image of the little boy turned into a man and I adored this man, perfect or not. Now he's the one caught in the moment, and I am not. He catches me dreaming, my mind is not there and I reply him like a blank space. What he doesn't know is that I'm trapped in my own shell and I want him to pull me back out. I'm constantly waiting for fishboy to put all his anxiety away, until he's ready to accomodate my sorrow. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And why the hell am I writing this here? This belongs to my livejournal, oh god.

Labels: blah, dreams, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, sad

Chee sing will be going to malaysia for a few days. *sobs*
I'm such a fucking sod. He lent me dvds to watch to occupy myself. I think I would have to switch my phone off. Haha so I wouldn't be anxious and start pulling my hair off. Take good care of your ass Kelvin.

(please remind me to delete this post when chee sing comes back.)

Yesterday I had a very enlightening experience and I saw hewhomustnotbenamed in a new light and fell in love with him all over again. It was the part of him that I never understood, the spritual side, the kinder side. When he turned to tell me he wasn't a good person, I could scarcely believe it because he was the most beautiful person I had ever known and the person sitting beside me was hardly a bad person at all. I feel remorseful for pushing him to commit sins because I never understood his connection to god. To me everyone is just as hopeless in their beliefs and I just wish I had that kind of devotion. I run from conversations about religion because it makes me uneasy. But I learned (but not practice) that we should not blame god for things that has happened to us, or be angry because he left us to suffer and shake our lives by taking someone dear to us away. Rather, we suffer because of the consequences of our decision and that god believes that we can take that kind of suffering a long way, and come out of it as a better person. Also, do not stray away from god eventhough we are tainted with sin and our past acts. For god is forgiving. I used to think for some reason god refuses to forgive me. He does not love me, he does not remember me. I could only hope to grope in the dark and find my way back. Though, inside my heart is vacant, only filled with grief and loss. I find no end to the darkness. Maybe I will never be a good person.

Amen. Haha I tend to digress in my writing. Pardon me.

Something unrelated- I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I miss Hong Kong. Whenever I see that HSBC building on the tv I wish I could go back and experience that place in a different way. Going with my family wasn't fun. I was never a family person. Nettieeee go with me one day lah. I will eat non halal food for you haha.

Sigh I need to finish FYP but I'm in no mood.




benbenbenbenbenbenbenbenben



Edit:
I don't care, but I'm going to get a golden retriever puppy once I move out of my mum's house. Oh yeah I'll get a cat and 2 bunny rabbits too.

Labels: ben, god, letting go, pondering, puppy, travelling

I know, I'm a sucker for romance, so I've got this small love quotes thingy on the side of my journal. Today's is, 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.'

The most touching one I've ever read. The emotion Joni Mitchell songs can never spark in me. It's so poignant, and so true.

Talk is cheap. We can say things about setting someone free but the act of doing it is so arduous. I mean of course, deep inside we always want to know whether they're meant for us, instilling that lie that only 'time would tell', and grabbing their throats, always asking 'do you love me?! do you love me?! you must love me!' I think most of the time we're afraid to let go, just in case they might start loving us, just in case we cannot live without them.

I think love is the best thing one could ever have. It makes us stupid and the reasons behind the things we do for love, is unexplainable. And truly, as pathetic as I can get, 'All you need is loveeee.'

Oh the things we do for love, like setting them free. Even if it does not benefit us, but seeing them happy makes us happy. And that's all that matters.

There's still a little bit of your taste, in my mouth.

I can't wait for exams to be over. Then I can start on my ritual harry potter book marathon, read all the books that are flooding my bedroom, clean my room and redecorate, and help kelvin design his room! 2 papers to go!

Labels: boys, letting go, loveee, pondering

A lot of things are not working in my life right now. Like my phone's keypad is dead so I can't sms, and I refuse to use my old phone cus it's very fat. And my laptop's adapter is like a crazy bitch so it's not working on me, which makes it very lazy for me to spend much time on the internet. And I'm not strong financial wise, I'm left with 30 cents for the rest of this month, so stop asking me out bitches, unless you plan to treat me. lol.

This morning I woke up from the most terrible dream I've ever had in my life. Oh god, it was so vivid. And I kept crying and crying and begging in my dream. Oh horrible. Oh god, I hope that's not the future. I would die if that happens. I would kill myself, no kidding. Life without some stuff is not worth living, so yeah.

On a random note, porn is scary. How it destroys people and put ideas into their heads. Oh how vile and cruel. Porn industry is making millions of bucks and they're probably like bathing in money and cum, while the receiver, the viewer of porn is probably struggling to control their life and not sex take control over him. Sometimes I guess, we're oblivious about how sex takes control of us. How the media portrays sex as something everyone needs to have. Sex is a good thing, but there are better things in life than sex, isn't it? I mean virgins probably are hyped up about sex and blowjobs, make jokes and laugh about it. I know people in my school are mostly loser virgins (oops!), not because they want abstinence, but because they cannot find anyone who wants to have sex with them. It's a bit sad actually.

I think most of the time we just have this void in our lives. Some people fill it with memories, some people use art, others use alcohol, some people use porn and masturbation, some use sex to cope, etc etc. And most of the time, our whole lives we never find out what is missing, and we go on to filling this void with unhealthy behaviour, thinking, for a moment there, we might feel good. So what happens after that? The hangover, the ending of orgasmic pleasure, the busride home? We go back to feeling the same damn thing over and over again. The void will never be filled. In fact it gapes open, the indulgence is acidic, slowly eating up the very core of our being.

We'll start losing our personality or creating new personalities for ourselves, the one that is insatiable, abusive and cruel. Then we'll start asking, 'what happened to us?' How could something so small grow this big, one small debt turns into an ocean of debts, how a little drink turns into this drunken life, how a little sex couldn't hurt. Oh how we lie to ourselves everytime that it couldn't hurt to have more. and more. and more. and more, more, more, more, MORE, MORE, MORE! The next thing we know, we're lying on the floor, broken.

Searching and groping in the dark for a way out. We're broken and this void becomes bigger and bigger until it washes us away, until we lose ourselves.

No one said it was this easy.

Labels: nothing makes sense anymore, pondering

I am a sucker for orange juice. I am obsessed with orange juice. Orange juice is amazing. It's the best thing on earth. It's the nicest thing to drink during flights and in between lectures. It's the only thing to drink as you curl up on your bed to die. Ah, what would I do without orange juice.

I am overdosing on Nettie. It says on my prescription to take Nettie once a week, for 2 hours. But I somehow got a bit addicted to my medication and took Nettie two times this week for countless hours. Also Nettie is a bit costly to me. Because of my Nettie OD-ing and addiction I've got no money left for the week! AHHH.

I think, this week despite many setbacks, emotional turmoils and a lot of shit to tahan, it's been good. I meant it was only good when I met Nettie, slumped myself in the most comfy Starbucks while slurping a Java Chip (finally!) and just talking for hours, like literally exhausted ourselves catching up with each other, talking about boys and first kisses and things that made us feel warm insideeeeeee. And wow, Siam Kitchen and some shitty chicken thingy and ramen and donuts sure made me feel lovedddd if not fat, but otherwise lovedddd by nettienettienettie. We were up there, just a few hours ago at Vivo, around us were couples in love, and we were walking there eating donuts not caring whether we'd get fat or we had boys in our lives (well Nettie has a boy but it's okay Rafhana is still her number one lover.)

Ahh and then I was in the bus alone for over an hour just staring into the world outside, staring into the sequence of events that has happened and how messed up my life is, how no more 'good morning, how are you?' messages that came anymore to brighten up my day and how my wants have become so simple, like a smile from someone could complete my day. I think when life is that sad, you try to pick up anything, however small it is, like catching a whiff of someone's smell or see them smiling genuinely could mean something to your life, even if it makes you happy for a few hours. Sometimes it's important for us to realise how important we are in other people's life. I'm a sucker for emo posts too.

Labels: addiction, food, friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, pondering

I woke up from a terrible dream. When I woke up I got disoriented and didn't know where I was, or the date, or the time. And the sense of hopelessness and despair just sank in. Like rock in quick sand.

I love standing in the rain. God is in the rain. I feel so detached from the world. When I'm walking in the rain it's so cold, like the weight of the world washing away from me, from my fingers, the tip of my nose, and my heart becoming emptier and devoid of feelings or emotions, or memory. When I'm standing in the rain, I'm free. So cold and alone; detached. No one could touch me or know what it's like inside of me. Waves of euphoria, waves of despondency, flowing into the drain and I'm completely free. If I could, I would stand there forever, wearing as little clothes as possible, and hope that I could die from the cold.

I've always wondered what it would feel like, being kissed in the rain.

Labels: dreams, pondering

Ned: You're the only one for me.

Charlotte: I know you feel that way now, but there are things you want... there are things we both want.

Ned: Oh, everyone wants stuff. We wake up, everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

Charlotte: What do you need to be happy?

Ned: You.


You know the feeling when you've been away for a while and you come back not knowing what to feel? Delighted because you'll get to smell your bed again or dread because things might have changed? Stupid questions like did anyone miss you or maybe you should have died being run over by a bus in hong kong?

I'm relieved to be home. It was terrible over there, with my family yelling at each other, pissed off and angry almost all the time. I realised how lonely I felt, how tragic it felt like, to be absolutely alone, in my soul where no one could touch me or see how much it hurts to be me.

What I really enjoyed about the trip was sleeping and taking really hot baths. Sleep because I had strange dreams, and some good ones which quickly vanished as soon as it came up. And I woke up feeling horrible because it wasn't real.

People kept on saying, 'take a break, enjoy hong kong.' Did you ever for a second think that I could ever escape from the things that are constantly running in my mind? Every second, it's filled with stuff that sometimes I wish I could rip my brains out and stop being so ponder-y for a change. Sometimes I wish I could wish myself numb so I can't feel all these weird stuff I don't even know about.

And all I can do now is just sigh. I want to wake up tommorow feeling like everything has fallen into place and I'm happy.

Labels: depressing, listless, nothing makes sense anymore, pondering, travelling

Ultimately at the end of the day I have to realise that I alone can make myself happy and not other people. All this time I thought I was running away from myself by doing things to distract me. So I felt guilty and stopped doing the things that I liked, and sat down to face myself. I realised I couldn't control my emotions and I was crying every night. Then Faye told me that I wasn't running away from myself. I was just making myself happy. Oh how stupid. I shouldn't have stopped. Now it's very hard to snap out of this manic depressive state.

I don't even know why I'm feeling depressed. It used to be a lot worse because I was very very lonely. It's not so bad now because I have Kelvin Loh who constantly bombards me with smses that actually make my day. It's fascinating to have someone that actually cares about you okay. No one used to care about Ana actually. When she cries no one even bothers. So I guess I have Chee Sing to thank. I mean really. I'm unbearable to live with. And thing is sometimes you do things that you don't really think much about, but it means the world to another person. Yes Kelvin, this is one way you have touched my heart. Good morning messages followed by 'How are you feeling.'

And you're the first person I'm going to miss when I go to Hong Kong!

Alright people I'm flying off to chinesedisneyland bye!

Labels: friends, pondering, sad

I feel cold and alone. Maybe the world is really made up of lies. Maybe no one really cares. Maybe there's no one that actually wants to make you happy. Maybe no one loves you.

And all I can do now is to stare down at my hands and ask, 'what have I done? how did it ever amount to this?'

What if there is really no end to the rainbow? What if we're chasing something that is not even there? What if the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't exist? What if the white rabbit is just an imagination?

How do you stop yourself? How do you stop chasing the rainbow, how do you stop walking through the tunnel? I don't know what is at the end, but I've got to try. I've got to see if there is really a pot of gold, a ray of light, paradise or love. How could you stop halfway then sit where you're at and give up? What if I'm really chasing for something that I know in my heart exists? I've got to try, I've got to see, I've got to feel it, touch it, kiss it.

Of course sometimes what you had hoped to be there turned out to be something else, like a man eating monster, a pool of acid, or a heartbreaker. It'll gobble up your insides and hurt you, but at least now you can smile to yourself and say 'at least I've tried.'

I just don't want to leave everything hanging and never know the end. I don't want to stand here and regret that I've missed out on something beautiful because I'm scared.

No one lives with regrets for things they have done. You just learn from your mistakes, you live with experience, and you can walk through the rest of your life as a bigger person. Regrets only come when you realise that you've left things behind or didn't give somethings a chance.

How could giving things a chance hurt you? It can't. At least now you know.

Labels: dreams, loveee, pondering, sad

I'm limping.

Oh dear god the bottom part of my calve(sp?) hurtssss. I dreamt I was running about the neighbourhood non-stop. When I woke up I was kind of exhausted in a good way so I didn't go out to run. Must be all the talk about block catching Kelvin told me about.

Kind of brings me back to what I did in my childhood. It's all grey and blur to me now. I didn't bring those parts of me along while growing up. I remember running up a hill behind our house and then racing to the top, and my sister would be too scared to climb up higher, but then I would run up and there was this huge rock at the top of the hill. I would climb on it and watch dragonflies flying around me and from up there you could see everything. Wow, if only I could go up there again and live the moments again like a child. I don't live there anymore, but occasionally I take the bus 911 and pass by that place and I see the greeny hill from a far and imagine what it would be like to roll down it.

When I was a child everyday seems to be so exciting because there were so many things to see, and to do- things like climbing up a level higher on the jungle gym, pulling down pants of my boy classmates at school and eating 'air batu'(those frozen juice thingy). Minus the hatred I had towards my grandmother and the fear of my mum, it was a good thing being alive.

I think I should be classy. My playlist is emo shit. Need things like au revoir simone or the weepies. Something like that. Imagine wearing a sheer white dress and holding a red balloon walking bare footed on miles and miles of nothing but grass and trees. And stepping on crunchy leaves of course, but then my feet would hurt.

Ahh, I think I should get girly clothes. Anyone anyone anyone?

Labels: blah, growing up, pondering

What happens when you fall down and break your heart into pieces? How do you get rid of the pain living inside the crevices of your soul? What if it's too deep, what if it grows like a disease?

How do I go on from here? How do I pick up the pieces, how do I wash away the marks on the walls because of my own doing?

Stand back up. Wake up and smell the flowers, open my eyes to dawn. The pain will go away. It always goes, it heals. Like the marks on my hands, my legs, they turn into white lines after some time. No wound is ever gaped open. They turn to scars, scars turn to red lines, red lines turn to white skin. I will be okay, I will recover, I will be healed.

There were times I was genuinely happy. Genuinely happy around people I really cared about. Every smile around you was real because I was a girl, enchanted. It wasn't always in pain. It was like on aladdin's magic carpet (lol.) I was really really happy most of the time.

I'm okay now. Ana is okay now. It has stopped bleeding. I'm just wrapping the bandages and standing back up.

I'm okay now.




(In the morning I stood in front of the camera and wept and it helped a lotttt.)

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Mrning-85086564
sunrise.

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Over-My-Shoulder-85148050
Not a pretty morning face.

Labels: deviantart, letting go, loveee, pondering, unrequited