I find babbling incessantly about *giggles* very gratifying. I am ashamed of myself for being such a girl, but ahhh I'm so happy. 'Love is a mutual self-giving that ends in self-recovery.' I suppose I am a bit hateful inside, but it's slowly ceasing because kelvin loh is the greatest, kindest person I've ever known, and he makes me grow, teaches me to be a better person, patient (with a few screams and hateful tears now and then) with me. I was screwed up. I was broken and suicidal. You have no idea how much better I am now. Adam would be so proud of me.

Look out for a man with the water sign, he will make you happy. Look out for a dark-haired sagittarius, and a fair-haired fire sign, and they will make you feel good once again. There is happiness in your future.

I've found the man with the water sign. I know the fair-haired lady. Who shall be the dark-haired sagittarius? Let's see if this holds true. I am truly happy with pisces man :)

I love going to ikea and yesterday I ate the fish and chips and it was the best fish and chips I've ever had. We usually go there for the Daim cake, which is gorgeous and yummy, and also the free flow of coke lol. I'm sending christmas cards to people, so drop me with your address if you want one (:

It's the second day since my sister flew to new delhi. The other side of the house is empty- I'm all alone. Kelvin might not be here for christmas, I'm starting to hear the crickets already.






EDIT:

FUCK BOYS AND THEIR STUPID VIDEO GAMES! Death to crisis core/fallout/red alert/warcraft/and what have you. This is so annoying! annoying! annoying!!!! fuck, i;m having a bitchfit and i have no one to talk to! ass!

Labels: friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, smitten

With all humility I take off all my pride with this sincerest apology. I am sorry for screaming at you today, humiliating you in front of so many people. I am a monster. You did nothing wrong, but I vented all my anger on you and I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself. I am so sorry that I ask so much from you when you've given me the best. I don't understand why anyone would still want to spend time with a person like me. I'm not barbie, I'm not gracious. I throw fits all the time and I cry in public. And I realised that it's always been 'me! me! me!' I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything. Apologies are just words, you know? I'm broken and I am trying my best to fix everything. Sometimes I feel so lonely and sad. But it helps to know that I'll always have you. And it helps to know that you'll protect me from all the bad men in this world. Ana is very sorry. You're my fishboy.

Labels: i swear i'm trying to get better, listless

Today was filled with ikea's food, tears, laughter, fights and arguments. When I reached home I felt like shit, thinking, I probably screwed up my goddamn life and the only way to get out of this rut (or to survive, at this moment) is to get drunk and wasted and OD on aspirin. Then I remembered, hey, faye is online, so I went to talk to her. Reasons why I love Faye is because whenever I'm at my lowest I'll just type all my shit and nonsense and let her do her magic. I'm led to believe she had put a spell on me because just minutes after moping about my sad life, I was up and about again, chipper and perky. I mean, I can control my life. I can be happy. I don't want fishboy to feel bad all the time for me crying in public. So now I'm thinking, hey why don't I text fishboy and apologise and tell him that I've got a whole new outlook on life? But nah, I'll give him some room to breathe for now. No one needs rafhana breathing down their throats all the time. Sometimes when you're at your lowest, you look around for girlfriends to help you get through this, but they've sort of apparated into thin air. I've been friends with Faye for like 4 years now (holy shit, thats bloody long) and I've never had dinner with her. So toodles for now, I'm going to finish my 30-page report! 10 pages to goooo!

Labels: boys, friends, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee

I predict that in the course of these few days, I'm going to have numerous blog posts and have blogging dihorrea. When I'm by myself I tend to drift into my thoughts and compulsively write them down because well, raf can't really shut her trap even for a moment.

Yesterday dinner without my secondsister was tense. There was no conversation, my mum was in a foul mood as usual, my little sister was moping by herself and conversations that I initiated went ignored. So I gave up and decided to stare at my food and shut up, fully aware that my mum was watching me. Then I sat in the living room to drink my coke and my dad came along and he started to talk about how much he ate. I know his intentions were good, but most of the time I don't know what to say to him. As we get older I find that it's harder to talk to my parents. When I want to talk to them they wouldn't talk to me, but when they want to talk to me, I completely shut them off. Sometimes it feels so fake, this facade we put up for each other. 19 years I've lived in this family, and I know absolutely nothing about my parents. I only know my mum as cold and pms-y, and I stay away from her as much as I can; I know my dad is a scary sleeping volcano and he doesn't argue with my mum that much. It's a lot worse when we're in the same elevator because the silence is awkward. It appals me that we live like strangers in the same house.

If you've wondered why I don't talk alot around people I'm not close to, it is because I never have any idea about what to say. So most of the time I'm sucked into my own daydreams and thoughts and think about what to write when I get home. Even around my own friends I drift into the world inside my shell, and when I talk it's like my heart is never there. When I met fishboy he was the person I've always wanted to meet. With him I feel like we're one entity. He pulled me out of my shell and with him I felt so real. Like my existence was justified, I was there, and I wasn't dreaming. Instead he was the one drifting into his thoughts and I loved to sit in front of him watching the little boy running deep into the fortress I could only dream of entering. On thursday that image of the little boy turned into a man and I adored this man, perfect or not. Now he's the one caught in the moment, and I am not. He catches me dreaming, my mind is not there and I reply him like a blank space. What he doesn't know is that I'm trapped in my own shell and I want him to pull me back out. I'm constantly waiting for fishboy to put all his anxiety away, until he's ready to accomodate my sorrow. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And why the hell am I writing this here? This belongs to my livejournal, oh god.

Labels: blah, dreams, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, sad

Exam week? I heard I failed my RAC. SIGH. I FAILED RAC! I studied so freaking hard for it. When I opened the paper it felt like I didn't study anything. I couldn't do it. I actually only finished one question. Oh dear god please dont let me repeat that pain in the ass module!

Okay too much fondling around, I really got to study. Sigh.

Anyway, this past week, I've been having so much fun with keeeeelelelevinnnn. I enjoy using up his money. Teheheheeee.

Someone needs to confiscate my psp.

Labels: happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, school

I am a sucker for orange juice. I am obsessed with orange juice. Orange juice is amazing. It's the best thing on earth. It's the nicest thing to drink during flights and in between lectures. It's the only thing to drink as you curl up on your bed to die. Ah, what would I do without orange juice.

I am overdosing on Nettie. It says on my prescription to take Nettie once a week, for 2 hours. But I somehow got a bit addicted to my medication and took Nettie two times this week for countless hours. Also Nettie is a bit costly to me. Because of my Nettie OD-ing and addiction I've got no money left for the week! AHHH.

I think, this week despite many setbacks, emotional turmoils and a lot of shit to tahan, it's been good. I meant it was only good when I met Nettie, slumped myself in the most comfy Starbucks while slurping a Java Chip (finally!) and just talking for hours, like literally exhausted ourselves catching up with each other, talking about boys and first kisses and things that made us feel warm insideeeeeee. And wow, Siam Kitchen and some shitty chicken thingy and ramen and donuts sure made me feel lovedddd if not fat, but otherwise lovedddd by nettienettienettie. We were up there, just a few hours ago at Vivo, around us were couples in love, and we were walking there eating donuts not caring whether we'd get fat or we had boys in our lives (well Nettie has a boy but it's okay Rafhana is still her number one lover.)

Ahh and then I was in the bus alone for over an hour just staring into the world outside, staring into the sequence of events that has happened and how messed up my life is, how no more 'good morning, how are you?' messages that came anymore to brighten up my day and how my wants have become so simple, like a smile from someone could complete my day. I think when life is that sad, you try to pick up anything, however small it is, like catching a whiff of someone's smell or see them smiling genuinely could mean something to your life, even if it makes you happy for a few hours. Sometimes it's important for us to realise how important we are in other people's life. I'm a sucker for emo posts too.

Labels: addiction, food, friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, pondering

I am afraid to recover because I'm scared you'll leave me then I'll have no one anymore. I'm happier now. I swear I am. I have bad days but I have good ones too. Why can't you see the good days?

Labels: i swear i'm trying to get better

I wish I was demure.

I wish I was someone special.

I wish someone actually cared about me getting better.

Labels: i swear i'm trying to get better, sad

"You don't always get the dream house, but you get awfully close."


I don't know why I'm always at the suffering end. It seems like life hasn't turned for the better. All I get is turmoils and one big blow after another. Maybe god doesn't care, that's why. Why my happiness lasts only for a day and the other days are just bleak and filled with despair. There is no end to this tunnel, there is no end to this rainbow. Maybe there really is no end. Maybe happiness doesn't exist. Maybe I'm meant to give and not to take. Maybe I deserve nothing.

Maybe I am nothing.

So lifeless. This life is a fucking lie and it's so tiring to live it anymore. I'm just tettering on the edge of a building, waiting, waiting, grabbing hold on whatever that passes by. Why do I keep tettering? Why not jump? What am I waiting for?


I really want you to really want me but I really don't know if you can do that.
I know you want to know what's right but I know it's so hard for you to do that.
And time's running out as often it does and often dictates that you can't do that.
But fate can't break this feeling inside that's burning up through my veins.
I really want you.
I really want you.
I really want you - now.
No matter what I say or do, the message isn't getting through,
And you're listening to the sound of my breaking heart.
I love this song now.



I really want this puppy because I'm feeling very sad nowwwww. :'(

Labels: blah, depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, sad, unrequited

You are walking down the street one day and your foot get stuck in a hole. You can't pull your foot out. You're stuck there, under the rain, the blazing hot sun, and the cold wind. Everyone is moving around you, everyone is moving. Someone presses the fast forward button on the remote, and they move around you like blurry shadows caught in the momentum of life. And you're stuck, unmoving. The universe doesn't wait for you. The universe doesn't care. Everyone is living, everyone is moving on, everyone is drifting further and further away from you. Sometimes, just sometimes, you feel like you should be out of the hole after a while but then you're fine with being caught up in your own world. You're watching, quietly, at the corner of your eye. You fall in love with a passing stranger, you watch the people around you chase their dreams and fall in love with other people, you watch your own hands turn pale and dry. You hope for someone to notice you and help you out. But then you're stuck. Everyone is moving so fast now, they can't see you anymore. They're running, running, running... away.

Now you're here all alone and everyone has moved on. How do you go on from here? How do you catch up? A part of you wants to be stuck forever. You want to be living in the moment, stuck. A part of you is trying to drag you along with everyone else but you're kicking and screaming on the floor in protest. Who needs more, when this is ideal? What happens in the future, what if things never stay the same, what if you'll never feel this way again?

You're looking for the remote, but there's no remote. Where's the stop button?




.



I'm so emotionally stretchedddddd. And I ran 3.5km today and walked 1.5! yay yay yay will last longer next time.

Labels: blah, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, listless, sad

I think some days you try to make yourself happy, and you tell everyone that you're delighted so as not to worry them or pull them down together with your moods. You jump around, you smile, you listen to happy music, and you do everything it takes to make yourself feel okay. But then you know, as soon as the music stops, you're going to be crumbling and disintegrating, and you're going to fall apart and find your hands around your neck.

I'm sick of feeling like this.

Labels: depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better

I have been in love so many times, waited years for them to see the light and show up at my door, and they never do. I know what it's like to waste my time holding onto hope that doesn't exist. How you try so hard all the time and you'll always stay the bestfriend, nothing more. I've sort of become used to this that I've become numb. I'm telling you, unreciprocated love is a waste of time and you should just move on because it's only a fool's hope. They can't see you or love you? It's not your burden to bear as it's their loss cause they'll never know who you are or what a great person you can be. I know why we wait months and years for them to love us. It's because if we let go now, we'll feel that in the future if we keep holding on to it they might see the light and notice we've been there all along. But the day NEVER comes. Then when we realise our fingers have grown cold and brittle that we're being forced to let go, only then we can see how much time and energy we have wasted chasing after this unattainable dream, when we could've used it all to do great things in life.

I know I've been in love, and I have to keep telling myself why it's not worth it. Because I've never gotten anything I've asked for and I've sort of accepted that it will never ever happen to me at all. Some people are meant to be alone. Maybe it's my calling. A wanderer, alone at crossroads.

Labels: dreams, i swear i'm trying to get better, letting go, sad, unrequited

So, I've decided that I'm going to write and write incoherently on this blog as long as it makes me happy. Uh huh I'm like vomiting out words. The problem is I'm a very lonely person and I need to constantly talk to someone and ramble and wail and kick and throw tantrums and I'm sorry to say that my sister has to bear the brunt of it because PEOPLE DON'T CARE. Therefore thanks a lot Tiara, talking to you sure has made me feel better. I love you loads. You totally get me and I'm really really grateful.

I've decided to be a good girl and JOG tomorrow. My right knee isn't doing well and my dad has decided to donate his kneeguards to me.

Ah fuck. fffffffuckkkkkkk!

List of things to do:

1) Lose 15kg
2) Get my capoeira guy
3) Save money
4) Stop feeling
5) stop feeling, stop being silly, stop being human, stop feeling
6) Make this shit go away.
7) Get my fucking life back
8) Study everyday
9) EH photography stuff.
10) Write godfuckingdamnit

I'm just in a horrible place right now. You can just see that my room is in a state of despair. I don't care about anything, I just throw things around in my room, just mess everything up. I can't even begin to feel good about myself. Forget the events that has happened in the last few days, my own fucking life is calling for help. oh god i am depressed. I've been depressed since sec 2 so can you imagine. Can you fucking imagine what this is doing to my life. AHH I can feel the extent of this pain. I CAN FEEL IT oh goddamnit. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK.

This happens when you're trying to recover and stop doing what you did to numb that pain and then you start feeling everything and it's really hard to get through the day. Yes, it's true, talking to people HELPS. I can't fathom what I'm feeling so how could I even tell you.

I can't do this on my own. I'm going to kill myself trying.

I need to jump in the sea or something. I need a hug. I need to fucking stop this shit. I hate feeling like shit all the time. Why does it fucking seem like everything ends up like its my fault and why does it seem like i'm always bearing the brunt of the pain why why! I feel like I'm at the bottom of the foodchain. Oh no, I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom. Like garbage, a pile of crap, then I'm underneath in all.

I need to do something. But I don't want to. It's not like I want to feel sad. I just can't be fucked to dig myself out of this hole. I'm afraid when I get out I'll never feel those things again. I have no interest but this. I'm consumed. I'm channeling all I have towards this. I can't free myself. SHIT. shittt. ahhhhhh fuck!

Yeah apparently my swearing vocab is limited to 'fuck' only.

Labels: annoying, blah, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, mental disorders

Sleep is useless. I never feel better whenever I wake up. I felt so listless and like ugh, just another day I’m going have to force myself to be happy. I SWEAR THIS IS PMS AND IT WILL NOT ENDURE. Listen to Faramir, ‘I do not believe this darkness will endure.’

(You know I should go back to being a geek watching Lord Of The Rings over and over again and memorizing the script, and believe that Lord Faramir will forever be the one for me.)

So I forced myself out of bed, went to Syiqah’s room, and started wailing. Like a mad dog. Apparently, everyone is too busy for me that I have to go and scream at my sister. Then I went out and started practicing my floorball passes rather angrily and I think the wall has some indentations and some paint off it. My mum’s going to freak but I don’t care. I was pretending the ball was my head and I was hitting it against the wall like PAK PAK PAK (wth, why pak?). Imagining self-harm oh god how retarded is that. My head’s in pretty nice shape and I don’t feel like I’m ready to disfigure it by hitting it against the wall. Then my sister kind of got fed up at me cause I was wailing so much so she would rather spend time with her angmoh friend more than me and then she wore her retarded clothes and left the house. Then I was alone in the house and started making an omelet for myself. Then I watched Debbie Travis and then I got a bit queasy because I was bored so I went to steal my estranged sister’s westlife cd from her room and played it on the retarded radio in the sitting room and blasted it as loud as I thought appropriate.

OH MY GOD, I have verbal diarrhea and god it feels so much better. And listening to Westlife makes me feel so much better. AHAHHA oh dear god, so primary school. And no one’s at home so I can sing like so fucking loudly and emo-ly.

‘I’ve been keeping it inside, feeling I could die. If you turn away, baby that’s okay, you can’t lose what you never hadddd. Ooooooooh…’

AHHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAA WA WA WA EEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOW WAAAA.


Let's be boring and do this questionaire.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

I have no goal in life so I don't know. If I can even find someone who wants to marry me then I'd be really lucky. Otherwise I'll just get married to myself or Faye cause she's lesbian and she's in love with me.

2. What I want the most now?

Time travel. So I could go back and warn myself not to do stupid things.

3. Do you believe of love at first sight?

No, I believe that that love at first sight is equivalent to infatuation and that'll be the shallowest degree of love you'll ever feel for a person.

4. Do you think u have enough confidence?

HAHA what do you think.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?

That I'm going to be happy at the end of the day where ever god takes me. Things happen for a reason and I hope, hope, I'm going to be happy at the end of it all.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

Now? No. Maybe. I don't know.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?

Losing the present. I'm afraid I'll never experience any of that again.

8. Do you believe in eternity love?

Yes. And you've got to fight for it.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

yeah. Next question please.

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your the other half?

I don't know. I'll accept him wholly. If you set requirements you'll never meet your other half because people aren't perfect.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?

Bimbotic bitchy women.

12. Do you cherish every single of your friendship?

Yes. They're so precious. I can't imagine waking up without them.

13. Do you believe in God?

Yeah.

14. What do you see in your future?

Running away, a train that never ends, a love that never exist... okay okay, truthfully, I'll be a damn good photographer.

15. Do you find it a need for you to have a boyfriend /girlfriend?

No. I'm happy with small things.

16. At this point of time, would you rather stay in your comfort zone or try something new?

try something new. break the momentum.

17. What kind of friend you hope to be in your friends eyes?

someone you can trust and tell everything to.

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?

my clinginess to people. bad bad.

19. What's your weak point ?

heart. *tears* I'm a girl what do you expect.

20. What do you look forward to now?

Everything going back to normal.

Labels: annoying, blah, boys, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, listless, pms, sickly talk