CALM DOWN ANA, CALM DOWN.

Labels: mental disorders, miss you

So, I've decided that I'm going to write and write incoherently on this blog as long as it makes me happy. Uh huh I'm like vomiting out words. The problem is I'm a very lonely person and I need to constantly talk to someone and ramble and wail and kick and throw tantrums and I'm sorry to say that my sister has to bear the brunt of it because PEOPLE DON'T CARE. Therefore thanks a lot Tiara, talking to you sure has made me feel better. I love you loads. You totally get me and I'm really really grateful.

I've decided to be a good girl and JOG tomorrow. My right knee isn't doing well and my dad has decided to donate his kneeguards to me.

Ah fuck. fffffffuckkkkkkk!

List of things to do:

1) Lose 15kg
2) Get my capoeira guy
3) Save money
4) Stop feeling
5) stop feeling, stop being silly, stop being human, stop feeling
6) Make this shit go away.
7) Get my fucking life back
8) Study everyday
9) EH photography stuff.
10) Write godfuckingdamnit

I'm just in a horrible place right now. You can just see that my room is in a state of despair. I don't care about anything, I just throw things around in my room, just mess everything up. I can't even begin to feel good about myself. Forget the events that has happened in the last few days, my own fucking life is calling for help. oh god i am depressed. I've been depressed since sec 2 so can you imagine. Can you fucking imagine what this is doing to my life. AHH I can feel the extent of this pain. I CAN FEEL IT oh goddamnit. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK.

This happens when you're trying to recover and stop doing what you did to numb that pain and then you start feeling everything and it's really hard to get through the day. Yes, it's true, talking to people HELPS. I can't fathom what I'm feeling so how could I even tell you.

I can't do this on my own. I'm going to kill myself trying.

I need to jump in the sea or something. I need a hug. I need to fucking stop this shit. I hate feeling like shit all the time. Why does it fucking seem like everything ends up like its my fault and why does it seem like i'm always bearing the brunt of the pain why why! I feel like I'm at the bottom of the foodchain. Oh no, I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom. Like garbage, a pile of crap, then I'm underneath in all.

I need to do something. But I don't want to. It's not like I want to feel sad. I just can't be fucked to dig myself out of this hole. I'm afraid when I get out I'll never feel those things again. I have no interest but this. I'm consumed. I'm channeling all I have towards this. I can't free myself. SHIT. shittt. ahhhhhh fuck!

Yeah apparently my swearing vocab is limited to 'fuck' only.

Labels: annoying, blah, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, mental disorders

Sometimes all I ask for is a little parental love. To just appreciate the fact that I tried so hard to please the both of you. That I didn't just sit down and wait for you to pick up the pieces. I've shed a lot of blood for you. Taken a lot of blows, bruises, marks- some that have gone too deep and feasted upon my soul. Sometimes it's easier to say, 'I hate you,' and really mean it. Because I can't love you. I don't know how. It's the same as you not knowing what love is, what joy it brings to have a child that tries so hard to make you happy. It's the same as every word you utter, so full of pride and hate. How I can imagine you sneer, 'You're not good enough.'

I could just plead, sit in the rain and ask you,
'Why won't you love me?'

I wish I was human in your eyes. I am not some trophy to bring you fame and glory. I'm not some tool you use to cover your imperfections. I am kind. I am noble. I am a good friend.

I am not just Ana. I am not one of your daughters. I am not one of your children you don't even know the age of. I am not someone you could brainwash to live your dreams for you.

Is it so hard? It is easier to screw up my life like that, was it easier to stomp all over my self-esteem and self-worth as if it meant nothing to you? I have blamed myself for everything, ask myself why, how did it amount to this. Was it you? The words, the shoe thrown at me, the abuse. Was it you?

'Why won't you love me?'

Labels: depressing, listless, mental disorders

I am so stoned right now. So desperate. So needy. I just need to get 'okay' by tommorow so I don't feel like I'm falling into the train tracks. I took every single medicine that hasn't expired in the medicine box.

Great. Fucking great. I just recovered a week ago, then I get sick again. My immunity has reached fucking zero. I might as well have Aids. It's worrying. Because it might be dengue again. I survived dengue once. Next time I get it, I will die. Mother is afraid I might have Tuberculosis. Well because of the night sweats and the cough. I'm sure its nothing. Dengue just robbed me of my healthy life.

Just a few things that you probably don't know about me :

- I have frequent panic attacks.

- I have Depersonalization Disorder. It happens usually when there are a lot of people around me, and I get scared and stressed. Usually when this happens I try to tell the person I am with, but no one understands me. I say, 'I'm not real. I don't feel real.' And I tell them I'm dreaming, but no one believes me. I hate when this happens. That is why I avoid going out as much as I can, and avoiding people. It's a terrible thing.

- I am Schizotypal.

- I have Social Phobia. I almost never eat in public. And if you've noticed, I'm always telling you that people are looking at me.


Happy being scared of me. Now my ex-friend and you, know.

Labels: depressing, mental disorders, sickly talk