I find that as your life becomes less pathetic, your blog posts get more boring. I have no unrequited stories to tell you, no complaining about everyday mundane things, like how the kitchen utensils have ganged up against me and how my life is a complete mess. Yay for me!

But I am having a huge writer's block. I haven't written anything good in months. It's awfully tragic, I feel like I cannot do anything.

My mother is annoying. I hate to tell my parents anything. But she knows. I told K and he said OH NO, but ahyah whatever la, as long as my mother is happy. She's so scared no one will marry me and apparently while I was out last night, she was having a discussion about K during dinner. According to my spies (sis and sis) she said 'ah actually I don't mind Kelvin. Nanti dier boleh masuk islam.'

Like wtf MUM! All these stupid islamic talk is seriously bumming me out. He is a really handsome catholic and he loves jesus and st francis. I am not a missionary, I will not convert anyone. Geez. It's incredibly selfish that someone has to convert to get married.

See, now I'm annoyed.

really fucking annoyed. I'm going to sleep this out and let K laugh at this.

Labels: annoying

It's very annoying that when we go out people just oogle at us with this disapproving or fascinated face as if we're bizarre creatures going out for a walk. What's with the racial issues man. Hey, we're living in a multi racial country, so deal with it. What's with all the makciks and nyonyas giving me this stupid face when we're taking the train? AHYO what's wrong man. Stupid stupid close minded people.

Different doesn't mean dangerous.

=[

Labels: annoying

Ew, I don't mean to be rude or racist towards my own people, but, stupid mats annoy the hell out of me. Well, maybe not just mats, but immature, uncivilised, unsophisticated melayu guys in general. Why bother me? I have rights as a citizen, so just screw off, I can do whatever I like, so shut your trap. Ugh, burn in hell.

Then I started to browse through my really sleepy love life. I've never had relations with any melayu (oh god, melayu guys are so scary okay,) with the exception of my childhood sweetheart who I've known since primary two, and even so, he was half chinese (very cute boy, shorter than me. He had mr goh's surname lolololol!) And then I got involved and naively fell for an ex-victorian indian guy, and then a very very handsome chinese boy haha. I've told Nadya countless of times that I'm terrified of boys of my own race, unless they can speak english and are able to behave maturely and they're from some smart school like RI or something.

(Actually for this PSC camp there was this RI malay guy who went to AJ then to SP and he talked to me a lot a lot but I was too dumb to realise he was hitting on me. wth. brilliant guy though, I love our short intellectual conversations. actually while i was asleep he crept up to me and stared down to say good morning, which left me almost dead from the shock. haha wth why am i talking about this.)

Oops pardon the disgression. But why why why do I find myself like a misfit among the malay community? And why am I afraid of my own people?! I need some malay therapy. My bahasa melayu is terrible, honestly. And if I'm sitting in a public transport and I hear people conversing in bahasa, I assume they're like so gangsta hahaha. And I have no idea how to ask for forgiveness this hari raya. I can't convey myself in bahasa! I'd be like, 'Mama, maafkan ah-na. bye bye selamat hari rayer.' Then I'd proceed to opening the hong bao and grinning to myself.

Why are people from my community so notorious. Sometimes I just want to hide my face and wish I could change colour when I hear them blaring freaking techno throughout the whole bus. I'd like to end this post with what I've heard a group of melayu boys from my school say, 'eh go hisap your bird-bird!'

ROFL.

Labels: annoying, bitching

I can no longer say that I am an independent woman. I've become so clingy that I think I'm going to die not having someone to call me or sms during the weekends. Kanina. Ana ana, what the fuck happened to you?

I dont think I would ever survive graduation.

Stupid clingy girl.

Labels: annoying

I'm lucky I'm in love with my bestfriend.
I'm lucky to have been where I have been.

I had the most random conversation with cheesing over the phone last night.
RAF: Why is my butt so dry?
CS: I don't know.
RAF: Is your butt always dry?
CS: yeah?
RAF: It's so dry. It feels like cloth. Does your butt feel like cloth?
CS: I don't know.
RAF: GO TOUCH IT! Touch your butt!
CS: no
RAF: Touch your buttt!!
CS: No its not dry.
RAF: oh my god my butt is peeling!!!!

Well not suprising, someone has such a beautiful baby butt.

Anyway, fasting month is here. I'm not supposed to go out at night actually. My mum is very busy with her uni (Yes, my mum is doing a degree,) so there's no one to prepare the things for my dad and little sister. And I'm supposed to do religious things, like go for terawih and stuff. Sigh. I do value religious activities. I do feel like putting religion before fyp, or other commitments. Because you know, worldly stuff isn't everything. I know people say things like they're so busy but they can make it for this and that. Unfortunately, I'm not like that. I have fucking responsibilies and I'm this close to failing fyp. I'm not kidding. We got a freaking warning and its very likely that we're going to fail. And I'm not going to get my sorry ass back in SP for another year just because I don't know how to prioritise. Let's face it, my ass is on the line. I'm constructing a lawnmower for godsakes. One that runs on a water hydraulic system. Think it's a piece of cake? hell no. I'm telling you mechanical engineering is the shit. I don't get why you're bickering about some stupid paperwork project.

So basically throughout the next week I'll be so bollocking busy with fyp. Frankly, I just don't care about anything else right now. You know how it would feel like if I told my parents I screwed up my diploma just because I failed fyp? Oh god, that would be so fucking smart. I think he was probably right. Everyone should just quit their freaking cca so we can be more productive. bleargh.

Okay rant over. I just don't give a damn about anything anymore. I need a break so I know what it's like to be human again. I have too many mental and personality issues that need to be sorted out. Life is bollocks. GRAH.

Labels: annoying, bitching, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, school

Warning, depressed suicidal morbid oldish looking chemical imbalance in the brain thingy woman is about to poke herself in the eye and dedicate the rest of her life playing the saxophone for gay bars.



OH THE HORROR! Yes, rafhana, procrastinate somemore laaaa. See where it leads you to. Days of agonising mental torture and no sleep and lots of coffee. Plus this study room is so full of crap and junk and I really need my sleep or else you'll see a panda in tudung tomorrow (thanks nadya! LOL.) My rib isn't doing any better, and I think it has swelled up a bit. Maybe that's just how it has been, but i don't know. Mum says go see a doctor since I can't take deep breaths or lift my right arm without peace. And I'm having a cough fit so can you imagine the miserableness? I kept waking up in the middle of the night cause I was sleeping on the 'bad' side and owwwwww, fuck la, pain. Dad says it's just some muscle strain so don't complain about it. Mum's a nurse though, and she's doing a degree. Dad's a college dropout who used to play lots and lots of soccer and was a sexy librarian and spent most of his time running away from girls. Kelvin says gooooo doctor plssssss, in that mak nenek tone. LOLOLOL. So I don't really know who to listen to. My conscience tells me I'm not hurt and I should just suck it in and pretend it doesn't hurt until it starts to bleed internally and my lungs start to collapse. My brain tells me that I should be stupid and safe, then sorry. Conscience versus reasoning, which one makes a better moral judgement? Mr Kelvin Loh wrote this awesome article during the holidays about conscience and he owes me a burger : http://www.helium.com/items/1082915-is-conscience-righteous. So therefore, conscience wins and I'm gonna have to suck it in do I not?

Anyway, I'm stuck doing my last minute QEM elearning. What the fuck man. I hate homework. Homework is tortureeeee! I'm really having absolute zero fucking progress and I'm contemplating squeezing my brain juices and not sleeping until wednesday night. Possible? Yeah I'm SUPERWOMAN. I'd need like a guide though cause I might hallucinate by then and attempt to jump down the train tracks. So someone's going to stop me and slap me hard in the face.

It was my sister's birthday last Friday and dinner was the shit. I gave her a very cute notebook with animal cartoons on it, and the spine is blue so it's so not girly, but very childlike. My sister and I are weird that way. I like childish girly, whereas she's not crazy about girly, more of those tough cookie on the outside and really soft inside. HAHAHAHA, nak bunuh orang nampak. Her congee gave her skittles la, that's why I'm using his quotes.


YAY. SAKIT MAK OI.

Labels: annoying, happy talk, hot stuff, operation seth, school, sickly talk

So, I've decided that I'm going to write and write incoherently on this blog as long as it makes me happy. Uh huh I'm like vomiting out words. The problem is I'm a very lonely person and I need to constantly talk to someone and ramble and wail and kick and throw tantrums and I'm sorry to say that my sister has to bear the brunt of it because PEOPLE DON'T CARE. Therefore thanks a lot Tiara, talking to you sure has made me feel better. I love you loads. You totally get me and I'm really really grateful.

I've decided to be a good girl and JOG tomorrow. My right knee isn't doing well and my dad has decided to donate his kneeguards to me.

Ah fuck. fffffffuckkkkkkk!

List of things to do:

1) Lose 15kg
2) Get my capoeira guy
3) Save money
4) Stop feeling
5) stop feeling, stop being silly, stop being human, stop feeling
6) Make this shit go away.
7) Get my fucking life back
8) Study everyday
9) EH photography stuff.
10) Write godfuckingdamnit

I'm just in a horrible place right now. You can just see that my room is in a state of despair. I don't care about anything, I just throw things around in my room, just mess everything up. I can't even begin to feel good about myself. Forget the events that has happened in the last few days, my own fucking life is calling for help. oh god i am depressed. I've been depressed since sec 2 so can you imagine. Can you fucking imagine what this is doing to my life. AHH I can feel the extent of this pain. I CAN FEEL IT oh goddamnit. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK.

This happens when you're trying to recover and stop doing what you did to numb that pain and then you start feeling everything and it's really hard to get through the day. Yes, it's true, talking to people HELPS. I can't fathom what I'm feeling so how could I even tell you.

I can't do this on my own. I'm going to kill myself trying.

I need to jump in the sea or something. I need a hug. I need to fucking stop this shit. I hate feeling like shit all the time. Why does it fucking seem like everything ends up like its my fault and why does it seem like i'm always bearing the brunt of the pain why why! I feel like I'm at the bottom of the foodchain. Oh no, I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom. Like garbage, a pile of crap, then I'm underneath in all.

I need to do something. But I don't want to. It's not like I want to feel sad. I just can't be fucked to dig myself out of this hole. I'm afraid when I get out I'll never feel those things again. I have no interest but this. I'm consumed. I'm channeling all I have towards this. I can't free myself. SHIT. shittt. ahhhhhh fuck!

Yeah apparently my swearing vocab is limited to 'fuck' only.

Labels: annoying, blah, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, mental disorders

Sleep is useless. I never feel better whenever I wake up. I felt so listless and like ugh, just another day I’m going have to force myself to be happy. I SWEAR THIS IS PMS AND IT WILL NOT ENDURE. Listen to Faramir, ‘I do not believe this darkness will endure.’

(You know I should go back to being a geek watching Lord Of The Rings over and over again and memorizing the script, and believe that Lord Faramir will forever be the one for me.)

So I forced myself out of bed, went to Syiqah’s room, and started wailing. Like a mad dog. Apparently, everyone is too busy for me that I have to go and scream at my sister. Then I went out and started practicing my floorball passes rather angrily and I think the wall has some indentations and some paint off it. My mum’s going to freak but I don’t care. I was pretending the ball was my head and I was hitting it against the wall like PAK PAK PAK (wth, why pak?). Imagining self-harm oh god how retarded is that. My head’s in pretty nice shape and I don’t feel like I’m ready to disfigure it by hitting it against the wall. Then my sister kind of got fed up at me cause I was wailing so much so she would rather spend time with her angmoh friend more than me and then she wore her retarded clothes and left the house. Then I was alone in the house and started making an omelet for myself. Then I watched Debbie Travis and then I got a bit queasy because I was bored so I went to steal my estranged sister’s westlife cd from her room and played it on the retarded radio in the sitting room and blasted it as loud as I thought appropriate.

OH MY GOD, I have verbal diarrhea and god it feels so much better. And listening to Westlife makes me feel so much better. AHAHHA oh dear god, so primary school. And no one’s at home so I can sing like so fucking loudly and emo-ly.

‘I’ve been keeping it inside, feeling I could die. If you turn away, baby that’s okay, you can’t lose what you never hadddd. Ooooooooh…’

AHHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAA WA WA WA EEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOW WAAAA.


Let's be boring and do this questionaire.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

I have no goal in life so I don't know. If I can even find someone who wants to marry me then I'd be really lucky. Otherwise I'll just get married to myself or Faye cause she's lesbian and she's in love with me.

2. What I want the most now?

Time travel. So I could go back and warn myself not to do stupid things.

3. Do you believe of love at first sight?

No, I believe that that love at first sight is equivalent to infatuation and that'll be the shallowest degree of love you'll ever feel for a person.

4. Do you think u have enough confidence?

HAHA what do you think.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?

That I'm going to be happy at the end of the day where ever god takes me. Things happen for a reason and I hope, hope, I'm going to be happy at the end of it all.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

Now? No. Maybe. I don't know.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?

Losing the present. I'm afraid I'll never experience any of that again.

8. Do you believe in eternity love?

Yes. And you've got to fight for it.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

yeah. Next question please.

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your the other half?

I don't know. I'll accept him wholly. If you set requirements you'll never meet your other half because people aren't perfect.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?

Bimbotic bitchy women.

12. Do you cherish every single of your friendship?

Yes. They're so precious. I can't imagine waking up without them.

13. Do you believe in God?

Yeah.

14. What do you see in your future?

Running away, a train that never ends, a love that never exist... okay okay, truthfully, I'll be a damn good photographer.

15. Do you find it a need for you to have a boyfriend /girlfriend?

No. I'm happy with small things.

16. At this point of time, would you rather stay in your comfort zone or try something new?

try something new. break the momentum.

17. What kind of friend you hope to be in your friends eyes?

someone you can trust and tell everything to.

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?

my clinginess to people. bad bad.

19. What's your weak point ?

heart. *tears* I'm a girl what do you expect.

20. What do you look forward to now?

Everything going back to normal.

Labels: annoying, blah, boys, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, listless, pms, sickly talk

I am trying, TRYING, TRYINGGGGG to be optimistic that it's just the first day of school blues and soon everyone will warm up to each other, (stop being arrogant, stop being immature, stop being irritating, stop pestering other people if there's more slots in the fyp group, etc etc,) and I wouldn't be shy about opening up.

Sometimes it seems that everything is just my fault. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I can't socialise! ARGH ARGH AND WITH THIS YOU WANT TO BE A JOURNALIST??????!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAA.

HOW WILL YOU WRITE STORIES, HOW WILL YOU BE STRONG, DYNAMIC AND CONFIDENT????? HOW WILL YOU SUCCEED IF YOU CAN'T EVEN OPEN YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH. how how how howwww. I need to go a school where they teach people to be extrovert. HA.

HA. HA. HA.

I need to be happy, maybe.

Labels: annoying, school

I have no idea what to do today by the way.

This usually happens when your life has started to become like a repetition of mundane chores like pasting cut out names on six thousand postcards, typing aircon brands, and photocopying paper that you wish you could wipe your ass on after which you would give to your boss. Oh I haven't told you. I'm have an MC for two freaking days! Yay! Downside is I have six medications of take three times a day, so I'd probably be sleeping because there's a lot of drowsiness going on in there. Also my MC expires tommorow and yesterday I pretty much spent the whole day sleeping, doing things halfway and watching mtv.

So basically I'll list the things I feel like doing today. I need to pick one, well because I need to take my meds and go back to sleep and I'd like to think my day has been productive.

1) Paint.
This could pose a problem. I have an idea, a message. But, my skills might not be able to convey the idea.

2) Go ikea.
Go ikea and get some storage solutions. My craft stuff is overflowing and has invaded my bedroom which makes it hard for me to live probably. My room has turned into a hostile warmongering fiesty man turn off, of some sort. I need this $29 drawer thingy so that my room would be more organised and it would be easier to sweep the floor. But wth, who goes to ikea aloneeee?

3) Clean my room.
To do this I need to do #2. Is it safe to throw away all my old notes if I don't plan on doing engineering in the future?

4) Go online and wait for people to talk to me.
Oh wait I'm doing that now.

5) Sew a bag for new semester.
Good idea, will do that but it shouldn't take the wholeee day.

6) Read the Sony Alpha100 manual.
Sigh. Boring. No longer excited. Boo.

7) Watch movies and knit scarves.

8) Read and fall asleep.
I am sick of sleeping. Such a waste of time.

I reaallly want to do #1 and #3. Who wants to go ikea with me? Anyone?

Bugger I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Uploaded a new piece of art: HULLABALLOON. Sorry for the image quality. Damn you IXUS 70, you have failed me! It's cool I guess. 9 views and already 2 favourites. Hehe, my least favourite painting.

Labels: annoying, art, blah, deviantart, random talk

Well if anyone cares, I uploaded a new painting 4 days ago. It's called 'Euphoria' and don't ask me why because I don't know. I guess I was just tired and went fuckletsjustnameitsomethingfancierthanhappy. Please view it here: PAINTING, "EUPHORIA"

Also if anyone cares I've been painting like mad lately. I have all these ideas and visions that I needed to let out. But it turned into something else entirely when I touched my canvas and I just threw down my brushes and dirtied my floor and started hating myself. My easel looks like it's a bit old, judging from the amount of paint on it. And oh yeah my room looks like a really messy studio. I have like paintings everywhere, paint tubes, brushes, and paper strewn all over the floor. I can be found like in the middle of the night sitting on a baby chair bitting worn out brushes and staring into my disaster. ARGH. Do you know how it feels like. Art makes me hate myself sometimes. It makes me see how ordinary I am. Makes me see how I have no idea, no creativity. I question myself whether I'm stupid to listen to people who thought I was artistic.

I'm sorry, I'm just in a bad place right now. I feel obese. Fat. Ugly. Hideous. Ordinary. FUCKING ORDINARY! FUCKING ORDINARY! FUCKING ORDINARY!

I don't know. Maybe it's because Nettie isn't here, or my friends aren't here. I need to tell someone EVERYTHING. I hate talking to my livejournal like its an empty wall, waiting for no one to reply, waiting until another disaster to strike until I start to feel again. It appears that I have only 2 emotions. Periods of euphoria, and days where I feel there's no end to my despair. Why can't I just be normal. Normal and artistic. Why do I always have to rely on emotions to be artistic? I want
a caramel
frappucino
NOW.
And I want to tell someone all my secrets and be done with hiding. Oh I almost forgot. They're all too busy. Oh you poor little bastard, Ana. Always hiding, always smiling, always holding on to the pain. I'm sorry I never got better.

'When will you stop?'
'Stop what?'
'This. Faking your laugh.'
'I'm not faking. This is who I am.'
'When will you change Ana?'
'I don't know.'

I don't know why I told you I am a lot better now. I'm still who I was 4 years ago. The same old shit who loved you 4 years ago.

Art. art art. I need to get better.

Labels: annoying, art, boys, depressing

Okay so, will I survive another 5 weeks? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Is there any way I could stay unconsious and numb, and unaware about work? This sucks. Oh you have no idea. I am trapped body and soul for 9 freaking hours. TRAPPED. CONFINED. CAGED.

Oh my god today I literally had NOTHING to do. For 9 freaking hours I had to pretend to do stuff. I have no friends because there's no one my age, even if there were he's so cheena and would rather have lunch with the workers than me. OKAY I DON'T FREAKING CARE I JUST HATE THIS PLACE I PRAY EVERY MORNING THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY HATES THE PLACE MORE THAN I DO AND BURN IT DOWNNNNNN.

Oh my god it is depressing! My life has been robbed from me. For that 9 hours I actually hate being consious. UGH. UGH. 5 weeks! 5 freaking weeks! 5 more mondays. 5 more fridays and saturdays. 5 more weeks in that prison. 5 more weeks of smelling like menses blood because he who must not be named stinks up the whole place! 5 more weeks of being in 925 with people who smell sour and who doesn't brush their teeth! EW. It's just so unfair that I have to last more than half of what I've had to endure. OH MY GOD. It's like 5 weeks! oh my godddddddddddddd. shitty fuck.

okay shitttt I'm pressurised to meet my friends so I can get work off my mind! this week kelvin, next week is good friday so it's with jesus i guess, next next week maybe dinner with secondary school friends, next next next week should be like OMG SYAZA WHERE ARE YOU GO OUT WITH MEEEEE, next next next next week is up for grabs so SHIT ASK ME OUT WILL YOU. So that's 5 weeks spent with friends okay shit i'm all calm and feeling happier now. Don't ask me why I'm a dork that I choose one friend every week. I have to spread out my meetings so I can get through the weeks you see. I shall meet them every saturday so the days will pass faster and i'd be happier and everything. UGH UGH UGH.

and i will poison myself on the second last week so I can get an MC. (I got an MC last wednesday because I sort of failed to poison myself which was supposed to give me a fever like it usually does, but instead I got giddy and weird, and therefore an mc yay!) Or maybe i should break my toes. OOOH or maybe i should contract malaria.

Labels: annoying, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

ARGH ARGH ARGHARGHARGHARGH

I AM ABOUT TO CLUB SOMEONE TO DEATH.

A POX ON MY PARENTS. I HATE THEIR CURFEWS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFUCKFUCKUFCKUFCKSHITTYFUCK

!!!

Labels: annoying, i'm sorry i can't be fucked

I usually find it easier to shut up and not talk.

People who don't like me with justifiable reasons should burn in hell. Like, what the hell did I do? Have you even tried talking to me?
Bloody bastards.

I am so tired. Yet I refuse to sleep. Oooh, panda eyes.

You know I'm thinking of getting a haircut. I LOOOOVE my hair now. It's so long and pretty and girly. But but I've always wanted a spiky boy haircut since my cedar days. Haha, should I do that? People keep saying that it doesn't matter anyway because I wear a tudung. But hell it sure does matter. It's for personal reasons I shall not elaborate. Oooh, maybe I should get haircut like Halle Berry in Catwoman. Oh so sexy. so so so should I?

rahhhhhhh.

Zaki has plans on torturing me today. We're going on a 5km run. While the prospects of it is quite exciting because I expect some endorphins to be released, I can also say that it scares the shit out of me a little bit. I love running, but I haven't ran in a longggg time since my cedar days. Yes, occasionally I jog, but I can't last for more than 15 minutes. I am so dead meat.
This is where I say I wish Tiara could run with me. Haha that woman runs like whoahhhh you know.
I NEED TO LOSE SOME FUCKING BAGGAGE. I am so fat so fat so fat. My schedule last time was like 1 day P.E, two days intense TAF and even stayed back for the afternoon TAF after school, 1 day gym. That is like 4 freaking days of working out. That's enough to make me lose 7kilos in a month! Argh I hate leaving cedar. ahaha loserrrr. everyone's like hating leaving their JCs and I'm still attached to my old school. whatdoyouexpect, poly no P.E okay!
Ineedsomeonetokickmyfuckingassbecauseineedtoworkout. bleh. and the bandana, and long pants is like getting in the way. I seriously love my FBT Vshorts okay! grahhhhh.
okay okay rafhana getting a little too cranky already.

I need cereal.

I going to be tak tahu malu sikit and say that my FBT shorts are going to make a comeback.

in an all women's gym.
hahah.

Labels: annoying, cedar, fat, operation seth

I think I'm a little late.

But here goes, anyway. SELAMAT HARI RAYA. I know I barely talk, so it's possible that I've never offended anyone (haha, like real.) Okay, so anyway, I'm bored and it's your fault!

Gah, I'm at home listening to the emo station on Launch. My parents are away at Malacca, visiting my nenek and atok's family. We've been getting calls from people who wants to visit this house, but my parents aren't in. It's sad that hardly anyone has visited us, except for like my aunties. So yeah, we've been eating all the kuehs and I don't know how much we have left. Same goes to the two cartons of Mug and Pepsi.

Now let's sit back and admire my pictures.


This Ikan Kaloi has been in this very tank since I was primary 5. It's my atok's companion. It's been very meanie lately.


Yeah, obviously we didn't get new shoes this year.

See my flikr page, http://flickr.com/photos/rafhanarosli for a little more. They're supposed to have some 'photographic' value in them. Haha, oh yeah.

Shit this emo music is growing on me.

I don't know what to do after this. I'm so bored to death, bored to death, bored to death! It's so bright and shiny outside, it's not fair I'm not outdoors to enjoy it.

Labels: annoying, random talk

I'm having school woes. Oh, oh the first week of school sucks like hell. I've been having such a hard time trying to pry my eyelids open. I was staring down on my IA notes during lecture today and the words started dancing. This is not right, I tell you. Then I realised I was asleep.

No, no, no, new semester, new plans, new resolutions! This cannot happen. I must love my modules. I must listen to lectures. I must stay vigilant! I'm all falling apart. You should see the state of my hair. I can hear my brain just screaming, 'I must sleep! I must, I must!' I haven't had a dreamless sleep in years. They're just constant nightmares and swirly stuff and horrible scenarios. And then there's this other thing that I am very depressed about, which I cannot tell you, then the parents thing, then the sibling rivalry thing, then the housework, and then there's like PRO-E, and lonely GEMS class. Just, ARGHH! I AM SO GOD DAMN TIRED I NEED TO LIKE SLEEP FOR 24 HOURS AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. WHEN I OPEN MY EYES MY DEPRESSING THING WILL GO AWAY, MY PARENTS WILL GO TO AUSTRALIA, I WILL BE THIN, I WILL BE SMART, AND MY GPA WOULD BE LIKE 3.9999999999!

I swear it's just me going through a mental disorder. I've never done like 2 sentences in CAPS. This is not right, I tell you.

I think I need to sleep.

Labels: annoying, school, sickly talk

Two weeks have passed, and I have not tried talking to my father about my 'request'. I imagine it would come off as wrong and he would scream at me for bothering him about it. I'm getting restless. I'm getting moody. I am fucking desperate.

What if he refuses to get me one? I don't want to starve for like a whole year before I can explore my other creative interests. My IXUS is my love, but I want to love something more now. I can do so much better. I wish I could tell him that it is a tool I need to unleash whatever that needs to be free. It's like if I don't have a pencil and a paper I would die of overloading. It's the same now. I need it, or I cannot cope. I would sulk all day and hope he gets the message.

But time is running out. If he doesn't want to give me a loan, I would have to find other means of affording it. If he didn't mean what he said, he shouldn't have gotten my hopes up so high. I hope he meant what he said; about how much better it would be if I had it. My father never praised me for anything before, except photography. They hated my interest in drawing, and how much it took up my time.

I bet they don't understand how someone can be so deep and withdrawn, and that art could be the only way of keeping sane.

Dear god, please help me. I've been patient and everything. Why won't he say yes?

Labels: annoying, sad

This is going to be a bitchy post about 'dirt' again.

It's the issue of being treated like fucking dirt. There is this certain someone I particularly feel like strangling. First, he isn't as big sized as me to begin with. Yes, he is a boy, and a gay one at that. I hate him! I really do! It makes my blood boil seeing him! I wish he would fail the extra modules I'm taking so he would not be able to be in the same extra classes as me. Fucking idiot.

He is really rude, he looks like he has a pole stuck up his ass. Oh yeah, I know you're a rich boy, but that doesn't mean you get to throw your fucking horrible eyes at me, loser! He thinks he's like all that, when everyone else fucking hates him and talks behind his back. I've never actually found anyone from poly as revolting as him! (Not even the smelly boy Nadya hates!)

The other day he got into the lift, and I decided to be nice and say 'hi'. What I received was this ruddy behaviour of his- nose up high, ignoring me. Fuck you sissy! I don't even know why I bother being nice at all. He does that to me all the time! (He even called my father a company slave! Just because my dad isn't like a CEO or something.)

He treats me like dirt, and when his boy friends run away from him, he follows me, and says 'oi!' like a stalker. I don't need people who treat me like shit following me around! I don't need people treating me like dirt making use of me because he's alone, fucking alone! UGHHHHH.

And again I ask myself the same thing, why am I still nice to him?

So you know, unfortunately, I had to be in the same group as him for my extra module. He's shitty in that subject, managed to earn a fail in it, and I wanted an A so badly for the project. So I stupidly asked him to help out, and he gives me this whole chunk of information he nicked from his group mate, totally irrelevant to the question, so I had to do the whole fucking thing again! HONESTLY, HOW COULD ANYONE BE THAT STUPID? Recommending growth strategies for a company doesn't mean stating what the company has already done, stupid.

So he texted me, like so rudely, whether it was okay. I felt bad deleting everything, so I wrote this really long kind reply, like, 'oh it was okay, we had to add in stuff you know. you got the points right though. can you give me the links you found the information?' And this is NICE to me. His reply, ' so it is okay or not?' really really pompously. Fuck you man. Of course it isn't okay. Of course you screwed up, you imbecile! Now I have to spend like 2 more hours repairing your shit. If I fail my ED test, I'm going to put a hex on you.

It's like he doesn't have any friends, is it? Why does he send me text messages, making use of my informative nature? Oh he asks me a lot of things, I regret that someone ever gave him my number. And it's like, I cant ask him a question, only he does! He doesn't reply to my urgent messages, and he expects me to reply him ASAP. Just fuck off! Why not ask his fucking boy friends? Oh my god, I'm getting crazy entertaining this insolent boy! He's a horrible horrible skinny man. Even I have more arm hair than he. His such a fucking sissy and a loser.

I'm sick of that virgin. Oh he asked me this really urgent question today, and I've decided to be so mean and not reply at all. (Then he can't do his report. So I'd go 'ha! ha! ha!' I hate people who don't listen in class.) If you want someone to be kind, you should ask nicely and courteously. He made a big mistake by giving me that condescending tone, like he bought me to answer his demands. He can just fuck off and fail every module. I don't give a shit anymore.

I don't take people treating me like dirt.

Labels: annoying, dirt

It is appalling to see shallow people roaming about. You think with your Fat Joe hanging around and your artificially coloured hair makes you oh so great. Tell you what, you are one fuckhead. I have the right to read a fucking book anywhere I like. And just because I wear the tudung and have tanned skin, it doesn't mean that I am so melayu. You disgust me, screaming and attracting attention like that. I am not sorry that you do not interest or humour me. Why don't you pick on some minah who has a bag slung in between her breasts and has artificially coloured hair just like you. Not me. You have no right to pick on me because I'm more intellectually capable.

Shithead.

My parents taught me right. My mother taught me how to carry myself. And I am more intellectually and emotionally superior. I am filled with arrogance, so there is no fucking way I'd even look at you. I'd rather marry a book.


(I know I owe you guys a picture post!)

Labels: annoying, bitching

Right. I know no one cares about me right now, and my tagboard has been like inactive, and I've been very lazy/possibly busy, and so is everyone else. Maybe it's just karma. I am a very bad person.

Tomorrow I have been forced to attend this family gathering in Malacca, despite my futile attempts to escape by telling my parents that I want to REALLY REALLY study Accounting. I'm not keen about it, and I try to be optimistic (NOT!), so you know, we see how it goes. I hate awkward moments, and I get to see the YAYA sisterhood who would absolutely be so Malaysian about everything, and yeah, my mum has taken pity on two little devil children, so they will be riding in the back of the car. Sigh. This means having to charge my mp4 so I could blast to 400decibels for two whole days. And adult talks about whatever shit, and stuff. Korean drama talks, blah, blah blah. It's so predictable, it's almost impossible to hope for something spectacular.

I'm going to be like mean and snobbish, because karma isn't working as planned. Even if I was good, I get shat at by a bird. Maybe being bad would bring me something good, like gold.

I hope the gold aliens abduct me and give me gold teeth. I like gold teeth. I'd like a gold tooth.

This year I probably won't get any birthday presents. =[

Labels: annoying, i'm sorry i can't be fucked