The weather today is lovely. It's such a waste to be at home. I was imagining being in the double decker bus and moving under rows and rows of trees with tiny yellow flowers... 2 days to christmas!!! woot time pasts awfully fast doesn't it. You know if I were 20 dollars richer I probably wouldn't be home right now. But oh well I have 12 dvds to watch a projects to do, plus my ribs are sticking out really ugly-ly, I just hope I don't lose any of my boobs. I'm supposed to be out looking for cheesing's christmas present today but I feel so lazy...and I have no idea what I'm droning on about... i'm pretty restless, i dont feel like eating. I didnt eat any meals yesterday and ate like a few pieces of bread on saturday, my appetite is gone and food is just revolting to me. I'm thinking of all types of food and I'm pretty much going to throw up thinking about them. The smell of fish and eggs are horrible to me and ugh everything is horrible. I just find that since wednesday I'm just eating for the sake of surviving so I just eat and it tastes like ugh. Anyway I feel like a really obese cow because this period is making me all bloated and disgusting. I'm so ashamed to let anyone see me. Maybe I should just stay at home and come out of the house next year.

Time to start planning for 2009's new year's resolution. And I need a new diary.

Labels: listless, sickly talk

My brain is lacking insightful ponderings. It is now filled with slime and cobwebs. I miss doing absolutely nothing, like spend a Saturday morning reading a book, walking around spotlight and watching movies on my own. I used to be so independent. I used not to care whether people thought I was a lonely freak or a moron who likes to do things on her own. Now, everything has changed. When something so amazing happened to my life, the monotonous routine of spending quality time with me stopped. I stopped going to the library by myself, I stopped drawing and writing, the world that I knew, was at a stand still. The taste of something sweet makes me want more. It is how clinginess is developed. You spend so much time with someone that you want more.

Me? I am emotionally untrimmed. The whole bag of emotions residing inside of me is like an abandoned garden; imagine weeds, overgrown grass, dead flowers and wild growth. It needs to be gardened because my emotions are ravaging. I feel sorry for Kelvin who has to manage me. I am high maintenance. I will cry when someone does not want to talk to me. It makes me look like an ugly garden, infested with snakes and monsters, just like how the teaspoon-sized brain that I have is filled with unwanted thoughts. I am emotionally needy. It makes me sick to the stomach and I completely understand when you tell me I am sickening. It gets to a point where I become very selfish and think that the world revolves around me. I think that your activities revolve around my life, and your social life needs to be stopped because I want to be the only one you talk to. It is so fucking disgusting that writing this down makes me feel horrible about myself. In fact, I think that right now I should throw myself into a lion's den and let my body be devoured.

I have a lot to learn and these baby steps that I am taking are not enough to make you stand me. I am insecure and I constantly need somebody to tell me that I am definitely better than the rest of them. Flawed in everyway, deep inside I always feel shitty for being the person that I am, that I am probably your concrete wall from the rest of the world, your friends, your dreams. I am trying hard to change- to break the bones of my hand that is wrapped around your neck. It was not my intent to put you on a leash, to put you on a puppet show to please me all the time. It was not my intent to act like a sick person who constantly needs undying attention.

I need to snap out of this. My emotions are taking over my life and my brain. I cannot think like a logical person. I do things based purely on my emotions, with no regard for the needs of others. I need to be fixed.

I had a very good day today. Too bad, they put mutton in the noodles because I have sworn off beef and other animals alike. So every time I accidentally took a bite into a mutton chunk, I’ll scream ‘oops I ate the little goat!’

I wish people would talk to me at night because I am really lonely at home because my sisters don’t want to talk to me. I miss movie nights. =(

Labels: boys, listless, loveee, pondering

With all humility I take off all my pride with this sincerest apology. I am sorry for screaming at you today, humiliating you in front of so many people. I am a monster. You did nothing wrong, but I vented all my anger on you and I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself. I am so sorry that I ask so much from you when you've given me the best. I don't understand why anyone would still want to spend time with a person like me. I'm not barbie, I'm not gracious. I throw fits all the time and I cry in public. And I realised that it's always been 'me! me! me!' I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything. Apologies are just words, you know? I'm broken and I am trying my best to fix everything. Sometimes I feel so lonely and sad. But it helps to know that I'll always have you. And it helps to know that you'll protect me from all the bad men in this world. Ana is very sorry. You're my fishboy.

Labels: i swear i'm trying to get better, listless

Ned: You're the only one for me.

Charlotte: I know you feel that way now, but there are things you want... there are things we both want.

Ned: Oh, everyone wants stuff. We wake up, everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

Charlotte: What do you need to be happy?

Ned: You.


You know the feeling when you've been away for a while and you come back not knowing what to feel? Delighted because you'll get to smell your bed again or dread because things might have changed? Stupid questions like did anyone miss you or maybe you should have died being run over by a bus in hong kong?

I'm relieved to be home. It was terrible over there, with my family yelling at each other, pissed off and angry almost all the time. I realised how lonely I felt, how tragic it felt like, to be absolutely alone, in my soul where no one could touch me or see how much it hurts to be me.

What I really enjoyed about the trip was sleeping and taking really hot baths. Sleep because I had strange dreams, and some good ones which quickly vanished as soon as it came up. And I woke up feeling horrible because it wasn't real.

People kept on saying, 'take a break, enjoy hong kong.' Did you ever for a second think that I could ever escape from the things that are constantly running in my mind? Every second, it's filled with stuff that sometimes I wish I could rip my brains out and stop being so ponder-y for a change. Sometimes I wish I could wish myself numb so I can't feel all these weird stuff I don't even know about.

And all I can do now is just sigh. I want to wake up tommorow feeling like everything has fallen into place and I'm happy.

Labels: depressing, listless, nothing makes sense anymore, pondering, travelling

I know there is nothing I can say to turn the tables around. I just know that I treasure every single memory you have given me. Though there were times where I've cried because you didn't love me, I've never been happier in my life. You have touched my heart in a way no one ever could and you were the sun on my rainy days. Who ever thought the retarded boy in class could ever turn out to be my soulmate? I still can't believe it. I have to keep pinching myself to see if it's true. I think we find gems in the most unexpected places.

I'm telling you that I'm going to be okay. I am not angry. I am happy and grateful for everything that's ever happened. I know there might never be those moments again, so I'm going to keep it very close to my heart where no one can take it away. Thank you for those moments. Thank you for everything. You have bewitched me body and soul and I'm happy to be living my days laughing with you.

It takes two hands to clap, they say. If your heart isn't there, there's nothing I can do. You can't force someone to love you. I don't want to live in a web of deceit anymore.

I don't know if I have enough guts in me to let you go. I don't even know how it's possible for me to stop loving you.

I just can't seem to touch your heart.

I'm sorry I'm just not good enough. I'm sorry I didn't do or say enough things to make you love me. I'm sorry for falling in love with you. I'm sorry for everything, soulmate.

Labels: depressing, letting go, listless, loveee, unrequited

It's getting harder and harder faking a smile in school. I feel like my face has stiffened and it's now some ugly porcelain piece waiting to crack. It's like I'm really trying to put myself back together and gluing the pieces. But then inside its like this pressure, this force, these waves of emotions trying to break out, trying to shatter the outer surface and expose the core beneath.

I admit I have not been mentally there. People talk to me and I'm not really paying attention. All I'm doing is actually trying to stop myself from bursting out in tears or bouts of anger. I'm having a really hard time keeping it all together.

Pardon me if I'm not being understanding or whatever. I'm having a very hard time coping with being ugly, being not good enough, being unworthy, being useless, being a screwup, being a horrible friend, etc. It hurts like fucking hell inside. And everyone is just throwing all these stuff onto me, like piling and piling, making me feel more and more worthless, ugly, and incompetent. For a moment, just stop and try to understand why it isn't that easy to pretend that everything is okay.

I just want a hug. It feels like shit now.

Labels: depressing, fat, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, listless, sad

You are walking down the street one day and your foot get stuck in a hole. You can't pull your foot out. You're stuck there, under the rain, the blazing hot sun, and the cold wind. Everyone is moving around you, everyone is moving. Someone presses the fast forward button on the remote, and they move around you like blurry shadows caught in the momentum of life. And you're stuck, unmoving. The universe doesn't wait for you. The universe doesn't care. Everyone is living, everyone is moving on, everyone is drifting further and further away from you. Sometimes, just sometimes, you feel like you should be out of the hole after a while but then you're fine with being caught up in your own world. You're watching, quietly, at the corner of your eye. You fall in love with a passing stranger, you watch the people around you chase their dreams and fall in love with other people, you watch your own hands turn pale and dry. You hope for someone to notice you and help you out. But then you're stuck. Everyone is moving so fast now, they can't see you anymore. They're running, running, running... away.

Now you're here all alone and everyone has moved on. How do you go on from here? How do you catch up? A part of you wants to be stuck forever. You want to be living in the moment, stuck. A part of you is trying to drag you along with everyone else but you're kicking and screaming on the floor in protest. Who needs more, when this is ideal? What happens in the future, what if things never stay the same, what if you'll never feel this way again?

You're looking for the remote, but there's no remote. Where's the stop button?




.



I'm so emotionally stretchedddddd. And I ran 3.5km today and walked 1.5! yay yay yay will last longer next time.

Labels: blah, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, listless, sad

In the morning there was this sound on the train which sounded like a fingernail dragged across a chalkboard and I couldn't decide whether it was the train parts malfunctioning or my own brain disintegrating.

I can feel my own hands around my neck. Choking, trying to get that ball of fuzziness back inside. Like fuck, Ana, just swallow it, nothing's going to change anyway. It's not going to make you anymore lovely or smarter or more sophisticated. It's not going to get you picked. So just swallow it back in, Ana. Fuck, swallow it!

Sometimes I wish I was 16 forever, in a girls school, plotting my suicide and this didn't have to matter anymore.

Labels: depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, listless, unrequited

Sleep is useless. I never feel better whenever I wake up. I felt so listless and like ugh, just another day I’m going have to force myself to be happy. I SWEAR THIS IS PMS AND IT WILL NOT ENDURE. Listen to Faramir, ‘I do not believe this darkness will endure.’

(You know I should go back to being a geek watching Lord Of The Rings over and over again and memorizing the script, and believe that Lord Faramir will forever be the one for me.)

So I forced myself out of bed, went to Syiqah’s room, and started wailing. Like a mad dog. Apparently, everyone is too busy for me that I have to go and scream at my sister. Then I went out and started practicing my floorball passes rather angrily and I think the wall has some indentations and some paint off it. My mum’s going to freak but I don’t care. I was pretending the ball was my head and I was hitting it against the wall like PAK PAK PAK (wth, why pak?). Imagining self-harm oh god how retarded is that. My head’s in pretty nice shape and I don’t feel like I’m ready to disfigure it by hitting it against the wall. Then my sister kind of got fed up at me cause I was wailing so much so she would rather spend time with her angmoh friend more than me and then she wore her retarded clothes and left the house. Then I was alone in the house and started making an omelet for myself. Then I watched Debbie Travis and then I got a bit queasy because I was bored so I went to steal my estranged sister’s westlife cd from her room and played it on the retarded radio in the sitting room and blasted it as loud as I thought appropriate.

OH MY GOD, I have verbal diarrhea and god it feels so much better. And listening to Westlife makes me feel so much better. AHAHHA oh dear god, so primary school. And no one’s at home so I can sing like so fucking loudly and emo-ly.

‘I’ve been keeping it inside, feeling I could die. If you turn away, baby that’s okay, you can’t lose what you never hadddd. Ooooooooh…’

AHHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAA WA WA WA EEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOW WAAAA.


Let's be boring and do this questionaire.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

I have no goal in life so I don't know. If I can even find someone who wants to marry me then I'd be really lucky. Otherwise I'll just get married to myself or Faye cause she's lesbian and she's in love with me.

2. What I want the most now?

Time travel. So I could go back and warn myself not to do stupid things.

3. Do you believe of love at first sight?

No, I believe that that love at first sight is equivalent to infatuation and that'll be the shallowest degree of love you'll ever feel for a person.

4. Do you think u have enough confidence?

HAHA what do you think.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?

That I'm going to be happy at the end of the day where ever god takes me. Things happen for a reason and I hope, hope, I'm going to be happy at the end of it all.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

Now? No. Maybe. I don't know.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?

Losing the present. I'm afraid I'll never experience any of that again.

8. Do you believe in eternity love?

Yes. And you've got to fight for it.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

yeah. Next question please.

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your the other half?

I don't know. I'll accept him wholly. If you set requirements you'll never meet your other half because people aren't perfect.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?

Bimbotic bitchy women.

12. Do you cherish every single of your friendship?

Yes. They're so precious. I can't imagine waking up without them.

13. Do you believe in God?

Yeah.

14. What do you see in your future?

Running away, a train that never ends, a love that never exist... okay okay, truthfully, I'll be a damn good photographer.

15. Do you find it a need for you to have a boyfriend /girlfriend?

No. I'm happy with small things.

16. At this point of time, would you rather stay in your comfort zone or try something new?

try something new. break the momentum.

17. What kind of friend you hope to be in your friends eyes?

someone you can trust and tell everything to.

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?

my clinginess to people. bad bad.

19. What's your weak point ?

heart. *tears* I'm a girl what do you expect.

20. What do you look forward to now?

Everything going back to normal.

Labels: annoying, blah, boys, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, listless, pms, sickly talk

Sometimes all I ask for is a little parental love. To just appreciate the fact that I tried so hard to please the both of you. That I didn't just sit down and wait for you to pick up the pieces. I've shed a lot of blood for you. Taken a lot of blows, bruises, marks- some that have gone too deep and feasted upon my soul. Sometimes it's easier to say, 'I hate you,' and really mean it. Because I can't love you. I don't know how. It's the same as you not knowing what love is, what joy it brings to have a child that tries so hard to make you happy. It's the same as every word you utter, so full of pride and hate. How I can imagine you sneer, 'You're not good enough.'

I could just plead, sit in the rain and ask you,
'Why won't you love me?'

I wish I was human in your eyes. I am not some trophy to bring you fame and glory. I'm not some tool you use to cover your imperfections. I am kind. I am noble. I am a good friend.

I am not just Ana. I am not one of your daughters. I am not one of your children you don't even know the age of. I am not someone you could brainwash to live your dreams for you.

Is it so hard? It is easier to screw up my life like that, was it easier to stomp all over my self-esteem and self-worth as if it meant nothing to you? I have blamed myself for everything, ask myself why, how did it amount to this. Was it you? The words, the shoe thrown at me, the abuse. Was it you?

'Why won't you love me?'

Labels: depressing, listless, mental disorders

I feel vulnerable, I'm scared
I hang on every word like there's a hidden meaning
It caught me unprepared
Now I'm climbing up the wall that stands between us

I keep hoping it's my imagination
Playing tricks with my heart on this occasion
I've just got this sinking feeling

So who's gonna drown now the dam's about to break
Tell me if it's me
I gotta know
I'm strong enough to tell you that it's more than I can take
I'm just hanging by a thread, gotta feeling I'm in over my head
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know tonight

I feel naked, in your eyes
I'm so out of control it feels like I'm free-wheeling
Are we running out of time
I gotta find a way to stop this feeling

I keep hoping it's my imagination
Playing tricks with my heart on this occasion
But I've just got this sinking feeling

So who's gonna drown now the dam's about to break
Tell me if it's me
I gotta know
I'm strong enough to tell you that it's more than I can take
I'm just hanging by a thread, got a feeling I'm in over my head
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know tonight

Cos when you pull back the covers
It's one way or the other, oh yeah
It's getting closer to midnight
I gotta go
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know

So who's gonna drown now the dam's about to break
Tell me if it's me
I gotta know
I'm strong enough to tell you that it's more than I can take
Cos I'm just hanging by a thread, got a feeling I'm in over my head
Can't wait until tomorrow
Can't wait until tomorrow
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know tonight

Labels: listless