I woke up this morning, shoot, I forgot all about 18th december.

A year ago I went to school to do my CAD homework during the holidays because I couldn't do the trajectory thing. Then my classmate, Kelvin, who recently started talking to me offered to help me with my hairdryer and he was pretty brilliant, doing his whole CAD magic, like a tech savvy fairy. It was pretty late after we were done and we went out for dinner, at siam kitchen, where i ordered this dish I'm still very fond of now, and kelvin ordered a green curry. I got the lemon grass tea because I didnt know what lemon grass was and regretted not knowing because it sucked. The green curry made kelvin sick and he swore off siam kitchen for the rest of his dining life. After that we took the lrt to bukitpanjangplaza, where he showed me the cool lrt windows. Then we had our first starbucks. He got me a large caramel mocchiato and he had some tea. A year later, I still have the dinner receipt pinned onto my board, and the most interesting conversation I've ever had with anyone in my entire life replaying in my head. Little did I know, that night was the beginning of a very special friendship, a deep connection and closeness anyone could ever feel with another human being, and a whole load of emotions and suprises that came along with it.

And I pretty much sound crazy here, but here is my tribute, to my companion.

I still feel very sleepy. And I'm so poor. I regret spending 20 bucks on scrap book items yesterday.

Labels: bored, friends, loveee, miss you, pondering

I find babbling incessantly about *giggles* very gratifying. I am ashamed of myself for being such a girl, but ahhh I'm so happy. 'Love is a mutual self-giving that ends in self-recovery.' I suppose I am a bit hateful inside, but it's slowly ceasing because kelvin loh is the greatest, kindest person I've ever known, and he makes me grow, teaches me to be a better person, patient (with a few screams and hateful tears now and then) with me. I was screwed up. I was broken and suicidal. You have no idea how much better I am now. Adam would be so proud of me.

Look out for a man with the water sign, he will make you happy. Look out for a dark-haired sagittarius, and a fair-haired fire sign, and they will make you feel good once again. There is happiness in your future.

I've found the man with the water sign. I know the fair-haired lady. Who shall be the dark-haired sagittarius? Let's see if this holds true. I am truly happy with pisces man :)

I love going to ikea and yesterday I ate the fish and chips and it was the best fish and chips I've ever had. We usually go there for the Daim cake, which is gorgeous and yummy, and also the free flow of coke lol. I'm sending christmas cards to people, so drop me with your address if you want one (:

It's the second day since my sister flew to new delhi. The other side of the house is empty- I'm all alone. Kelvin might not be here for christmas, I'm starting to hear the crickets already.






EDIT:

FUCK BOYS AND THEIR STUPID VIDEO GAMES! Death to crisis core/fallout/red alert/warcraft/and what have you. This is so annoying! annoying! annoying!!!! fuck, i;m having a bitchfit and i have no one to talk to! ass!

Labels: friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, smitten

Today was fun much. My sister, kelvin and I went to seoul garden. He was so fascinated and said it was like watching a tv show seeing my sister and I bickering at each other. Chicken is gooooooood.


Teaching kelvin how to knit with twine and pens. LOL.



Cheeeeese little boy.




My sister's boyfriend.


hahahaha.

Labels: food, friends, happy talk

Phew, my openhouse has ended and I'm feeling really sticky and my eyes are really dry. Lots of people came, but there's tons of food left! I invited people but only those closest to me came. Thank you guys! I love you all lah. Openhouse was from 12-7pm. Kelvin and gary came at 2 and I had so much fun teaching them congkak, stuffing them with lots of food, talking, relaxing on the massage chair and adoring my lovely room! The rest of my Sp friends came at 4 something and we messed up our bedroom while camwhoring. I had a good time entertaining people dearest to me so I was grateful about the turnout. My little sister was such a show off, she actually danced in front of my friends. Lol. Her new favourite person is Mahera and she said she was malu to sit beside Nadya because Nadya is pretty. HAHA. Kelvin and gary left at 5 plus and it was really cool they stayed for a long time. And everyone else just left. Now my noisy cousins have possession of the house and my mum is desperately trying to give all the food away!

A lot of people said my room was really pretty... haha even my sister's friends sat in my room for a while. It was a bit embarassing when people saw the numerous picture of *toot* that I had framed in my room. Heehee.

(click and save!)






















After all this I realised I forgot to take a picture of the handsomest guy in the house.

Labels: friends, happy talk, hari raya, loveee

Today was filled with ikea's food, tears, laughter, fights and arguments. When I reached home I felt like shit, thinking, I probably screwed up my goddamn life and the only way to get out of this rut (or to survive, at this moment) is to get drunk and wasted and OD on aspirin. Then I remembered, hey, faye is online, so I went to talk to her. Reasons why I love Faye is because whenever I'm at my lowest I'll just type all my shit and nonsense and let her do her magic. I'm led to believe she had put a spell on me because just minutes after moping about my sad life, I was up and about again, chipper and perky. I mean, I can control my life. I can be happy. I don't want fishboy to feel bad all the time for me crying in public. So now I'm thinking, hey why don't I text fishboy and apologise and tell him that I've got a whole new outlook on life? But nah, I'll give him some room to breathe for now. No one needs rafhana breathing down their throats all the time. Sometimes when you're at your lowest, you look around for girlfriends to help you get through this, but they've sort of apparated into thin air. I've been friends with Faye for like 4 years now (holy shit, thats bloody long) and I've never had dinner with her. So toodles for now, I'm going to finish my 30-page report! 10 pages to goooo!

Labels: boys, friends, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee

I had a lovely day yesterday. Completely abandoned my fyp, (I'm never going to hear theend of it) spent the whole day in town until my feet were all sore and cracked. Got my phone fixed, watched clone wars with kelvin, went to borders, walked and walked and walked, watched kelvin eat ben and jerry's ice cream, etc etc. Actually I was surprised I spent the whole day with cheesing. He's so fond of home that usually after two hours after we meet he'll go 'I want to go home,' and that makes me throw my usual moody tantrums and sometimes go completely silent that it bothers him and he'll go 'tsk women are so hard to understand.' Yadayadayadayada. It meant alot to me that you accompanied me all the way till dinner and that you won me a huge huge huge furry cheesing smelling polar bear the other day. (I came an hour late.) I'll so get you coffee next time and I'm waiting for the numerous ice cream treats that you had promised!

So after what seemed like ages (well since my birthday actually) I had dinner with cedar friends. Well I was a bit snappy, considering I didn't sleep the night before ( was up watching korean drama.) It was good to see them again and a tad sad cause it was the last time we're going to see our tiararararara who's flying her sexy ass to UK. And I'm not going to see her for over a year. Oh man tiara, I wish we had more time because I'm so dying to tell you loads of stuff. Haha enjoy sexy englishmen and sexy immigrants in the UK! Oh if there are hot scruffy scotsmen around can you please tell them your friend rafhana has a fetish and complete adoration for them?

Haha we took neoprints! Been agessss!




Oh god, why did I resort to narrating my day?

Labels: cedar, friends, happy talk, loveee

What is happiness to you?

It was rainbow throughout the rainy days. It was the glint of sunlight, after a death. Happiness is shortlived. During the sad parts, I've just got to ride it out and think about the happier times, hold onto them like they're everything I'll ever have. I'm back home, my thoughts are just sinking in, my sense of loss and despair is consuming me. To think that just a few hours ago I was happy. Going to school with a smile on my face, feeling like everything is going to be better. Watching kelvin eating curry mee, kelvin murmuring to me about jim jones while I was trying to study stats. Watching The Dark Knight again. This time with a huge tub of popcorn in my arms. With someone to share it. I turn my head and I see my bestest friend there.

That is happiness to me.

Thank you so much chee sing. (:

Labels: friends, losing, loveee, sad

So, you know, shit happens, things don't fall into place sometimes, sometimes truth can hurt, but at the end of the day I've just got to stand back up and put on that smile, even if I don't mean it. Sometimes truth isn't always the right thing, cause see what it did to me, though there were good and bad times, I've become more selfish and self-centred by telling the truth. Smile like you mean it. I'm going to smile because I deserve to.

I was a bit scared of meeting my friends on thursday night. Swollen eyes, watery nose, blah blah. It got better anyway, when I found out they were going to treat me for dinner! Thank you, Tiara, Syaza, Mai and Ash, my rich working friends for spending a bomb in there just so I could fill my stomach with a lot of food. It got a lot better when seoul garden played all the boyband songs and I was singing along like no one's business, dropped potato on the floor and what not. I love you people, I was really happy that night! We snapped a lot of pictures so here's just a few of them cause I haven't received any from the others! Haha.





Last night, the eve of my birthday was spent with nettie nettie. We watched the Dark Knight, drooled over my gorgeous christian bale and future husband, Batman. I was pondering a lot during the movie, well 1/4 of the screen was blocked my someone's big head sigh, and pondering a lot, and after the movie still pondered a lot, got a bit depressed, and went home. But nonetheless thank you nettie nettie! I'm watching it again but it was so dark and disturbing. Sigh batman wherefore art thou.

When I got home I started vomitting out blood and it splattered all over the bathroom walls and I got a bit lightheaded after that. Sigh I'm supposed to see a doctor today.

Anyway TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY and I'm a bit sick and decomposing at home. I don't feel special at all and I have to do housework. I wanted to spend my birthday with my BFF but you know, things cock up at the wrong time, and the world is falling apart at the wrong time, so I'm all aloneeeee on my birthday. It's just very sad. If I had been a good girl and it was itp I bet I'd be having the happiest birthday ever.

Anyway, THANK YOU for the birthday messages and bombardment on msn. My sister smsed me happy birthday today and I felt happy I don't even know why. I hope some miracle happens and I get a pleasant suprise, somehow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME.

Labels: batman, birthday, blah, friends

I am a sucker for orange juice. I am obsessed with orange juice. Orange juice is amazing. It's the best thing on earth. It's the nicest thing to drink during flights and in between lectures. It's the only thing to drink as you curl up on your bed to die. Ah, what would I do without orange juice.

I am overdosing on Nettie. It says on my prescription to take Nettie once a week, for 2 hours. But I somehow got a bit addicted to my medication and took Nettie two times this week for countless hours. Also Nettie is a bit costly to me. Because of my Nettie OD-ing and addiction I've got no money left for the week! AHHH.

I think, this week despite many setbacks, emotional turmoils and a lot of shit to tahan, it's been good. I meant it was only good when I met Nettie, slumped myself in the most comfy Starbucks while slurping a Java Chip (finally!) and just talking for hours, like literally exhausted ourselves catching up with each other, talking about boys and first kisses and things that made us feel warm insideeeeeee. And wow, Siam Kitchen and some shitty chicken thingy and ramen and donuts sure made me feel lovedddd if not fat, but otherwise lovedddd by nettienettienettie. We were up there, just a few hours ago at Vivo, around us were couples in love, and we were walking there eating donuts not caring whether we'd get fat or we had boys in our lives (well Nettie has a boy but it's okay Rafhana is still her number one lover.)

Ahh and then I was in the bus alone for over an hour just staring into the world outside, staring into the sequence of events that has happened and how messed up my life is, how no more 'good morning, how are you?' messages that came anymore to brighten up my day and how my wants have become so simple, like a smile from someone could complete my day. I think when life is that sad, you try to pick up anything, however small it is, like catching a whiff of someone's smell or see them smiling genuinely could mean something to your life, even if it makes you happy for a few hours. Sometimes it's important for us to realise how important we are in other people's life. I'm a sucker for emo posts too.

Labels: addiction, food, friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, pondering

Oh dear god spending time browsing through friends' pictures over friendster and facebook despite having a big big test tomorrow, makes me see how much I'm lagging behind. My friends are gorgeous. My old classmates, those people I used to go home with and the first ones to rush into bus 155.. those people I used to talk crap to.. oh wow oh wow. It was kind of depressing knowing that I'm stuck in a rut. I don't have new clothes, I don't wear enough make up, I don't change. Sometimes change can be a good thing. Saying 'Ana is still the same, she's still craps blah blah' sometimes isn't that comforting you know? Okay well, I don't change, I know that. But oh my god seeing all my friends moving on makes me feel like I want to be in their shoes.

Maybe I need new clothes. And learn how to wear eyemakeup properly. But first and foremost, I've gotta lose weight.

Come on Ana, I need to lose weight before my birthday. No more zinger meals and boy food. I have a boy's appetite and it's not doing me any good.

Oh well, back to studying!

Labels: friends, operation seth

Ultimately at the end of the day I have to realise that I alone can make myself happy and not other people. All this time I thought I was running away from myself by doing things to distract me. So I felt guilty and stopped doing the things that I liked, and sat down to face myself. I realised I couldn't control my emotions and I was crying every night. Then Faye told me that I wasn't running away from myself. I was just making myself happy. Oh how stupid. I shouldn't have stopped. Now it's very hard to snap out of this manic depressive state.

I don't even know why I'm feeling depressed. It used to be a lot worse because I was very very lonely. It's not so bad now because I have Kelvin Loh who constantly bombards me with smses that actually make my day. It's fascinating to have someone that actually cares about you okay. No one used to care about Ana actually. When she cries no one even bothers. So I guess I have Chee Sing to thank. I mean really. I'm unbearable to live with. And thing is sometimes you do things that you don't really think much about, but it means the world to another person. Yes Kelvin, this is one way you have touched my heart. Good morning messages followed by 'How are you feeling.'

And you're the first person I'm going to miss when I go to Hong Kong!

Alright people I'm flying off to chinesedisneyland bye!

Labels: friends, pondering, sad

I'm lamenting over my non-existant social life. Sigh. People are dying all over the world and I'm here worrying that I'm not living my life to the fullest. I want to have slumber parties and pillowfights, I want to do crazy stuffs, and I won't be satisfied with walking around orchard road and sitting at starbucks eating cheescake. All these adult activities are boring me. I'm living sophisticated shit most of the time. I want to do something new. I hate predictability. AHHH. Please someone drag me out of this place and throw me in a jungle and force me to survive. Force me to live life in utter randomness and unpredictability.

Kelvin Loh is so interesting that I find everyone else boring. Mundane. Lifeless. Makes it really hard for me to get to know other people because now my expectations are higher! Lol. And I'm beginning to show some chee sing traits, like talking to myself, being a little random and thinking too much. HAHAHA.

I think it's the chocolate.

I want to wear crazy make up tonight.

I want to go bowling.

I want to run around naked.

CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN?

Okay, call me tonight people. I'm giving my horny cells away.

Labels: blah, friends, random talk

I had a fun day stepping on crunchy leaves.

And I must remind my insecure pisces friend kel loh that he's very very attractive and sexy. =p

Right, time to be hysterical again!

Labels: friends, happy talk

I'm going to be a bit boring today but I had like the most interesting day! Haha it was supposed to be a photography trip but... Ahyah I'm a really bad photographer. We went to botanic gardens, and the trekked through macritchie reserve! Oh so tiring la.

I made my own record by coming 45 mins late, and almost losing my wallet. Oh my god, phew.


Happy Rafhana walking and walking. Lol. Pardon the stupid face. The real face is stupiderrr.

Oh we saw two squirrels going to mate so that's a first for meeee!


I think we walk until like siao already. Haha. Around botanic gardens then to macritchie! Aiyo. Kelvin was still super super energetic and he was all 'areyoutiredareyoutiredareyoutired?' Need... stamina... lol.



Monkey! Not taken by me of course. I realised today I'm a very very bad photographer.



HAHAHA bad picture, but hey it's us!

The boy got seriously moody after that. lol. and like, snatched my canon ixus and start browsing pictures of me without tudung. HAHAHAH.

Okay i'm sorry this entry is completely retarded.

Labels: friends, happy talk, photography

I love my dslr.
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Kelvin-II-83184809 Check out my handsome friend. lol.


.


I think I'm a very lucky person. My mood shifts are awesome. I'm able to go from happy to sad, sad to happy, happy to estatic, estatic to orgasmic, euphoric to disdain, here and there, here and there. Why do I consider myself lucky? People can make me happy. I'm able to go from depressed to stoked easily (not by myself of course. I need influence of people to do this.) I never linger on one insipid mood all the time. I shift here and there, which can be turbulent and unpredictable, but most of the time I'm either really really sad or very very happy. Right now if you'd ask me I'd say I'm estatic. 2 hours ago I felt like killing myself. So hows that for a seriously erratic depressed female?
I would like to thank this certain happy spirited individual for making my night seriously better. I know I'm very here and there and everywhere, but I'm happy now. Maybe this is just normal behaviour. Or maybe I'm having mini bipolar episodes. Okay I need sleep I'm talking nonsense.

Hehe.

Labels: friends, happy talk

It's awesome having like a really sporting friend who's so into everything.
Went to the NJ play. Ugh malay play. What a waste of timeeeeee. I actually thought the synopsis was pretty good in misleading people. Relied heavily on subtitles and Kelvin pretty much had trouble understanding it. Haha, you poor thing.

My stomach almost exploded eating at newton. we had like a dicussion over religion which was pretty lovely. people usually shut out their religion from other people thinking that it would be 'sensitive' to talk about it. I like hot discussions. makes us smart people, anyway.

And then I got mad at my mum, again. she screamed at me over the phone. wth.

1 WEEK. 1 FREAKING WEEK LEFT.

Labels: friends, i'm sorry i can't be fucked

sometimes the truth is the only thing that can set you free.

even if it hurts or burns.

sometimes you don't like what you hear. sometimes you think with the truth you could change someone. the truth can't, anyway.

so i'll be here sitting with you
until you decide to leave me.

Labels: dirt, friends, sad

I AM SICKKKKKK.

WTH SICK ON WEEKENDS WTHWTHWTH FUCKER. CANNOT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY IS ITTTTT?

Despite having a fever I went to work today (because sooo lazy to get an mc), after work I went to cityhall with Kelvin to find a dry box for my dslr, yo. It was too expensive so we were looking(quite depressingly) for some silica gel and a bloody airtight container. I was sick and coughing, and in a daze, like sick people always are, and my friend was being all sleepy and manly bitchy. LOL.

And why am I documenting my seemingly interesting day? Haha. Oh no I've turned into the average boring blogger.

The good thing about ITP is that I've started to read the newspaper everyday (to kill time) and I find myself smarter. I can go out and like say, 'did you read this article about...'
And if my friend says no, I smartly go on like, 'Oh it was about this median child...'
And I proceed to giving statistics like, 'The average student can only score a maximum of 70% and the other 30% of the marks are meant for the 'above average' '

If you can't say that's smart, then what is. Teeheheheee.

OKAY, regarding that article about the 'median student', it's so true. What the writer says about what actually is stressing people like me are the 'gifted students'. The writer then proceeds telling us about how hard it is for a median student to keep her head above water, and everyone's competing and it's so unfair (okay I had to put that in) that a median student has to perform with the above average student and no matter how hard we try, how hard we study and do our best, IT'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

YES, the plight of a median student. Even in poly, I'm trying to keep my head over water. My nose has submerged and now I have to breathe through my eyes. Okay the writer also says that parents of a median child should just support their children and encourage them to be better.

At this point I almost screamed, 'LOOK AT THIS MUM!'

Being a median child SUCKS. My cousins and sisters have all set the bar. I used to think that one day I might just be like my cousins, and my younger sisters would like look at me in awe and talk proudly about how her sister's in this bloody good jc. When I was 16 I was supposed to set the bar. But NO, fuck, rafhana the median child has to like kick herself into someplace with no future. MEDIAN I TELL YOU, MEDIAN! You have no idea being in this place seems to be like a plague to the family. So a median student can be exceptional if she studies hard and does her best right? No it's not good enough. I wish I could say that yes probably there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me, and I wouldn't feel like I'm splashing in this lake of uncertainty not knowing what failing to obtain a degree would do to my life. Being here feels like my whole future has been robbed from me. I feel inferior.
Like I'd never be good enough to get a degree. Like probably I should just stay here and rot in a 9-5 job.

I want to be a journalist. HAHA, laugh now. I don't even know how I'm going to do it. I feel like I've screwed all my chances of being someone, anyone. Why did I even take mechanical engineering. Why did I screw up my english and not land myself in some mass comm. This is depressing.

On the brightside, I've met the most beautiful people landing myself in a place with no certainty. Kelvin's probably right. 'If you didn't take this then you probably wouldn't have met me.'

And that, I have to agree with whole heartedly.

Labels: depressing, friends, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, school, sickly talk

Ana is a happy happy girl. The past few days have been AMAZING, despite work pulling her spirit down. I love my friends. Every small thing makes me happy and tingle inside. My friends mean the world to me.
I love you all.

Ana also has a new gadget as of today.



SONY A100!

YES! Finally! I have waited so long for this! Ana is happy. Really happy.
:)

Fuck work and it's environmental unfriendly ways. Big fuckers. 2 weeks and 2 days left in that fucking hole.
ARGH god help me.

(If no one has figured out, I'm Ana. I know people call me raf but I'm Ana. Not AH-NA. But EA-NA. My secondary school girls, Adam, and lovely people call me that. )

Labels: camera, friends, loveee

Dear world.
Today my friend turned 19. HAHA YES HE IS OLDER THAN ME, HOW DARE PEOPLE THINK HE'S 13 AND I'M 30. He got an MC today, because he's a cheater. (I know he will kill me if he sees this.) I declare that we are BFF because we didn't realise that we were text messaging each other since morning. This has never happened in my life.
so uhm, for the fifth time, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEWHOCOULDBENAMEDBUTIDON'TWANTTONAMEYOU! I hope you like the card and get fatter than me the next time I see you. I hope my present will humour you.
(I promise it isn't a gay vibrator.)

And something for Zakiyyah:
DO YOU KNOW THAT KRANJI HAS A LOT OF AFRICANS? And they always come to the office, you know! They're so talll and broad, and they have like an accent! 'I DO NOD AVE DE APITIDE TO ID ANYMUR' (I do not have the appetite to eat anymore.)
And like so cool la, the guy's phone rings and he picks it up, and speaks in NIGERIAN! Or african, or something haha like whooooooooahhhhhhhhhh cooooool. And you know its like, they come every 2 days, and it's different african guy everytime! haha zaki you would love to work at my place lahhhh.

To Nettie:
I WANT MY EMAIL, WHY HAVENT I GOTTEN MY EMAILLLLLLLL.

Labels: friends, happy talk