I woke up early to go to training (was so excited about this for a very long time) only to find that my blasted monstrous cough has not subsided, it has in fact, turned all yellow and disgusting and I can't breathe with a blocked nose and throat inflammed with phelgm. Ugh so I have to travel all the way to somewhere to sell my dvd to this johnny depp fan. (I'm selling away all my johnny depp dvds...not that i've lost interest in him, just that i need money to make soap.)

So I'm trying to get kelvin to go out with me today by means of persuasion and hardcore jewish mother using guilt to make people do things for them. LOL. I don't think I can walk much though, the doctor gave me lots of painkillers and cough medicine and it's making me all drowsy.

I think I'm going to open a soap blog soon.

Labels: sickly talk, soap

I finally moved my humungous butt to get cheesing's christmas present today. Oh it is so cute, I spent time grooming it and now it looks so cuddly...I even got a tag for it. Now I want to keep it! I got Net's present ages ago, and all the christmas cards have been sent out. I didn't manage to get everyone's address because they're cheesing's friends and they refuse to be online, so I have got 8 cards left. I have no idea who to give them to. Half of my 'friends' hate me and the other half don't do christmassy stuff, so most of them get sent overseas. Meh, boring. But yay we do presents this year and dinner!

My bones are aching really bad. I forced myself to eat a little dinner today because the pain on my chest was too much. I don't know what's wrong.

=(

I hope I'll still be alive for cheesing to see me when he comes back.

Labels: miss you, sickly talk

The weather today is lovely. It's such a waste to be at home. I was imagining being in the double decker bus and moving under rows and rows of trees with tiny yellow flowers... 2 days to christmas!!! woot time pasts awfully fast doesn't it. You know if I were 20 dollars richer I probably wouldn't be home right now. But oh well I have 12 dvds to watch a projects to do, plus my ribs are sticking out really ugly-ly, I just hope I don't lose any of my boobs. I'm supposed to be out looking for cheesing's christmas present today but I feel so lazy...and I have no idea what I'm droning on about... i'm pretty restless, i dont feel like eating. I didnt eat any meals yesterday and ate like a few pieces of bread on saturday, my appetite is gone and food is just revolting to me. I'm thinking of all types of food and I'm pretty much going to throw up thinking about them. The smell of fish and eggs are horrible to me and ugh everything is horrible. I just find that since wednesday I'm just eating for the sake of surviving so I just eat and it tastes like ugh. Anyway I feel like a really obese cow because this period is making me all bloated and disgusting. I'm so ashamed to let anyone see me. Maybe I should just stay at home and come out of the house next year.

Time to start planning for 2009's new year's resolution. And I need a new diary.

Labels: listless, sickly talk

One more post before my life decays. My back is bad. I think there's something seriously wrong with it. It's been a week. I'm going to the doctor tmr, promise. I had diarrhea and vomitting today.

kthxbye.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

Warning, depressed suicidal morbid oldish looking chemical imbalance in the brain thingy woman is about to poke herself in the eye and dedicate the rest of her life playing the saxophone for gay bars.



OH THE HORROR! Yes, rafhana, procrastinate somemore laaaa. See where it leads you to. Days of agonising mental torture and no sleep and lots of coffee. Plus this study room is so full of crap and junk and I really need my sleep or else you'll see a panda in tudung tomorrow (thanks nadya! LOL.) My rib isn't doing any better, and I think it has swelled up a bit. Maybe that's just how it has been, but i don't know. Mum says go see a doctor since I can't take deep breaths or lift my right arm without peace. And I'm having a cough fit so can you imagine the miserableness? I kept waking up in the middle of the night cause I was sleeping on the 'bad' side and owwwwww, fuck la, pain. Dad says it's just some muscle strain so don't complain about it. Mum's a nurse though, and she's doing a degree. Dad's a college dropout who used to play lots and lots of soccer and was a sexy librarian and spent most of his time running away from girls. Kelvin says gooooo doctor plssssss, in that mak nenek tone. LOLOLOL. So I don't really know who to listen to. My conscience tells me I'm not hurt and I should just suck it in and pretend it doesn't hurt until it starts to bleed internally and my lungs start to collapse. My brain tells me that I should be stupid and safe, then sorry. Conscience versus reasoning, which one makes a better moral judgement? Mr Kelvin Loh wrote this awesome article during the holidays about conscience and he owes me a burger : http://www.helium.com/items/1082915-is-conscience-righteous. So therefore, conscience wins and I'm gonna have to suck it in do I not?

Anyway, I'm stuck doing my last minute QEM elearning. What the fuck man. I hate homework. Homework is tortureeeee! I'm really having absolute zero fucking progress and I'm contemplating squeezing my brain juices and not sleeping until wednesday night. Possible? Yeah I'm SUPERWOMAN. I'd need like a guide though cause I might hallucinate by then and attempt to jump down the train tracks. So someone's going to stop me and slap me hard in the face.

It was my sister's birthday last Friday and dinner was the shit. I gave her a very cute notebook with animal cartoons on it, and the spine is blue so it's so not girly, but very childlike. My sister and I are weird that way. I like childish girly, whereas she's not crazy about girly, more of those tough cookie on the outside and really soft inside. HAHAHAHA, nak bunuh orang nampak. Her congee gave her skittles la, that's why I'm using his quotes.


YAY. SAKIT MAK OI.

Labels: annoying, happy talk, hot stuff, operation seth, school, sickly talk

OH people people I decided to be boring and use a pre-made layout! Don't worry this is still Rafhana trying to lead a very girly boring life by being common yay yay yay!

This morning was pretty bad. I kind of felt ridiculous for being alive. Yeah yeah I know I'm unwanted.

I went swimming ALONE today while waiting for time to pass. Cool there was no one there and I did 14 laps (haha shut up my fitness sucks okay, ) and oh, a very fat white woman flashed at me in the toilet. Yesh I need to take a break from life, seriously. I'm so fucking sick of thinking about stuff. Sometimes I feel like I want to put my head in the water and suck it all in so I don't have to go through any of this anymore. What doesn't break you makes you stronger, they say. But how can it make sense when this is the worst thing I've ever felt and I don't think there's going to be anything more painful than this? Somehow you try to fix it, make it more bearable, but then it shoots you back right in the face like a big fat meanie and you don't think it could get any worse than that. It sucks being here okay. I'm having a really really hard time. It doesn't help that my friends are avoiding me and want to spend lesser and lesser time with me. This is not called being needy. This is called 'I'm only human and I can't deal with this alone'.

So I'm trying to end it all by trying to kill myself with my exercise routine, and cut my food intake to 900 calories a day.

Monday: Swimming / Gym
Tuesday: Gym
Wednesday: Muay Thai
Thursday: Off.
Friday: Gym, Intense Training with Tiararararaaa
Saturday: Floorball
Sunday: Floorball

In two months I can become her:



Or HER.



Or I could die of overworking so my sister will call you all to attend my funeral okay. Thanks.

I can't be bothered to pull myself together.

Labels: blah, depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, sickly talk

Sleep is useless. I never feel better whenever I wake up. I felt so listless and like ugh, just another day I’m going have to force myself to be happy. I SWEAR THIS IS PMS AND IT WILL NOT ENDURE. Listen to Faramir, ‘I do not believe this darkness will endure.’

(You know I should go back to being a geek watching Lord Of The Rings over and over again and memorizing the script, and believe that Lord Faramir will forever be the one for me.)

So I forced myself out of bed, went to Syiqah’s room, and started wailing. Like a mad dog. Apparently, everyone is too busy for me that I have to go and scream at my sister. Then I went out and started practicing my floorball passes rather angrily and I think the wall has some indentations and some paint off it. My mum’s going to freak but I don’t care. I was pretending the ball was my head and I was hitting it against the wall like PAK PAK PAK (wth, why pak?). Imagining self-harm oh god how retarded is that. My head’s in pretty nice shape and I don’t feel like I’m ready to disfigure it by hitting it against the wall. Then my sister kind of got fed up at me cause I was wailing so much so she would rather spend time with her angmoh friend more than me and then she wore her retarded clothes and left the house. Then I was alone in the house and started making an omelet for myself. Then I watched Debbie Travis and then I got a bit queasy because I was bored so I went to steal my estranged sister’s westlife cd from her room and played it on the retarded radio in the sitting room and blasted it as loud as I thought appropriate.

OH MY GOD, I have verbal diarrhea and god it feels so much better. And listening to Westlife makes me feel so much better. AHAHHA oh dear god, so primary school. And no one’s at home so I can sing like so fucking loudly and emo-ly.

‘I’ve been keeping it inside, feeling I could die. If you turn away, baby that’s okay, you can’t lose what you never hadddd. Ooooooooh…’

AHHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAA WA WA WA EEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOW WAAAA.


Let's be boring and do this questionaire.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

I have no goal in life so I don't know. If I can even find someone who wants to marry me then I'd be really lucky. Otherwise I'll just get married to myself or Faye cause she's lesbian and she's in love with me.

2. What I want the most now?

Time travel. So I could go back and warn myself not to do stupid things.

3. Do you believe of love at first sight?

No, I believe that that love at first sight is equivalent to infatuation and that'll be the shallowest degree of love you'll ever feel for a person.

4. Do you think u have enough confidence?

HAHA what do you think.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?

That I'm going to be happy at the end of the day where ever god takes me. Things happen for a reason and I hope, hope, I'm going to be happy at the end of it all.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

Now? No. Maybe. I don't know.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?

Losing the present. I'm afraid I'll never experience any of that again.

8. Do you believe in eternity love?

Yes. And you've got to fight for it.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

yeah. Next question please.

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your the other half?

I don't know. I'll accept him wholly. If you set requirements you'll never meet your other half because people aren't perfect.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?

Bimbotic bitchy women.

12. Do you cherish every single of your friendship?

Yes. They're so precious. I can't imagine waking up without them.

13. Do you believe in God?

Yeah.

14. What do you see in your future?

Running away, a train that never ends, a love that never exist... okay okay, truthfully, I'll be a damn good photographer.

15. Do you find it a need for you to have a boyfriend /girlfriend?

No. I'm happy with small things.

16. At this point of time, would you rather stay in your comfort zone or try something new?

try something new. break the momentum.

17. What kind of friend you hope to be in your friends eyes?

someone you can trust and tell everything to.

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?

my clinginess to people. bad bad.

19. What's your weak point ?

heart. *tears* I'm a girl what do you expect.

20. What do you look forward to now?

Everything going back to normal.

Labels: annoying, blah, boys, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, listless, pms, sickly talk

get myself busy. busy busy busy. get my mind of things.
escape.
live.
die.

forget about it. escape. read. write. study.

gym. run. swim.

escape.

occupy.

this emptiness.

i'm sorry.

busy. escape. empty.

empty.

escape.

Labels: sickly talk

Maybe.

Just, maybe.



On other things, I fell sick at work today. My temperature is 39 degrees. Does anyone care? No.
No one at home cares, they pretend I'm not there. I'm covered up in a thick blanket to protect myself from the cold. Does anyone care I'm freezing in my soul?
Best of all was my sister, 'Go to your own room, why are you here? You're sick, go back and sit in your own room!'

Shit, all I asked was someone to talk to. I'm sick, I'm needy, can't you see? I want all of you to care about me. Maybe I'll die from this disease, maybe I'll survive, maybe I will leave.
This place forever, where everyone will care.
People will enquire when I'm not there.
'Take your medicine, my lovely child'
But hell, not a word, not even an eye
My life is blocked by a concrete wall
Am I too ugly, for you to care at all?
Am I not Ana, a vision, a prodigy
And if I die, will you care about me?
Does it matter if I were pinned to the ground
Losing to a malady, screaming, but there's no sound
Do I have to crawl, grab the heels of your feet
I'm sick, I'm needy, a rotting piece of meat
Please care about me, or do I have to die
Maybe then you will cry, 'I should have cared! Oh shouldn't I!'


ooops got carried away and wrote a shitty poem.
bleh blah blue, my heart hurts now, literally, if anyone cares.

Labels: blah, sad, sickly talk

I AM SICKKKKKK.

WTH SICK ON WEEKENDS WTHWTHWTH FUCKER. CANNOT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY IS ITTTTT?

Despite having a fever I went to work today (because sooo lazy to get an mc), after work I went to cityhall with Kelvin to find a dry box for my dslr, yo. It was too expensive so we were looking(quite depressingly) for some silica gel and a bloody airtight container. I was sick and coughing, and in a daze, like sick people always are, and my friend was being all sleepy and manly bitchy. LOL.

And why am I documenting my seemingly interesting day? Haha. Oh no I've turned into the average boring blogger.

The good thing about ITP is that I've started to read the newspaper everyday (to kill time) and I find myself smarter. I can go out and like say, 'did you read this article about...'
And if my friend says no, I smartly go on like, 'Oh it was about this median child...'
And I proceed to giving statistics like, 'The average student can only score a maximum of 70% and the other 30% of the marks are meant for the 'above average' '

If you can't say that's smart, then what is. Teeheheheee.

OKAY, regarding that article about the 'median student', it's so true. What the writer says about what actually is stressing people like me are the 'gifted students'. The writer then proceeds telling us about how hard it is for a median student to keep her head above water, and everyone's competing and it's so unfair (okay I had to put that in) that a median student has to perform with the above average student and no matter how hard we try, how hard we study and do our best, IT'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

YES, the plight of a median student. Even in poly, I'm trying to keep my head over water. My nose has submerged and now I have to breathe through my eyes. Okay the writer also says that parents of a median child should just support their children and encourage them to be better.

At this point I almost screamed, 'LOOK AT THIS MUM!'

Being a median child SUCKS. My cousins and sisters have all set the bar. I used to think that one day I might just be like my cousins, and my younger sisters would like look at me in awe and talk proudly about how her sister's in this bloody good jc. When I was 16 I was supposed to set the bar. But NO, fuck, rafhana the median child has to like kick herself into someplace with no future. MEDIAN I TELL YOU, MEDIAN! You have no idea being in this place seems to be like a plague to the family. So a median student can be exceptional if she studies hard and does her best right? No it's not good enough. I wish I could say that yes probably there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me, and I wouldn't feel like I'm splashing in this lake of uncertainty not knowing what failing to obtain a degree would do to my life. Being here feels like my whole future has been robbed from me. I feel inferior.
Like I'd never be good enough to get a degree. Like probably I should just stay here and rot in a 9-5 job.

I want to be a journalist. HAHA, laugh now. I don't even know how I'm going to do it. I feel like I've screwed all my chances of being someone, anyone. Why did I even take mechanical engineering. Why did I screw up my english and not land myself in some mass comm. This is depressing.

On the brightside, I've met the most beautiful people landing myself in a place with no certainty. Kelvin's probably right. 'If you didn't take this then you probably wouldn't have met me.'

And that, I have to agree with whole heartedly.

Labels: depressing, friends, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, school, sickly talk

Okay so, will I survive another 5 weeks? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Is there any way I could stay unconsious and numb, and unaware about work? This sucks. Oh you have no idea. I am trapped body and soul for 9 freaking hours. TRAPPED. CONFINED. CAGED.

Oh my god today I literally had NOTHING to do. For 9 freaking hours I had to pretend to do stuff. I have no friends because there's no one my age, even if there were he's so cheena and would rather have lunch with the workers than me. OKAY I DON'T FREAKING CARE I JUST HATE THIS PLACE I PRAY EVERY MORNING THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY HATES THE PLACE MORE THAN I DO AND BURN IT DOWNNNNNN.

Oh my god it is depressing! My life has been robbed from me. For that 9 hours I actually hate being consious. UGH. UGH. 5 weeks! 5 freaking weeks! 5 more mondays. 5 more fridays and saturdays. 5 more weeks in that prison. 5 more weeks of smelling like menses blood because he who must not be named stinks up the whole place! 5 more weeks of being in 925 with people who smell sour and who doesn't brush their teeth! EW. It's just so unfair that I have to last more than half of what I've had to endure. OH MY GOD. It's like 5 weeks! oh my godddddddddddddd. shitty fuck.

okay shitttt I'm pressurised to meet my friends so I can get work off my mind! this week kelvin, next week is good friday so it's with jesus i guess, next next week maybe dinner with secondary school friends, next next next week should be like OMG SYAZA WHERE ARE YOU GO OUT WITH MEEEEE, next next next next week is up for grabs so SHIT ASK ME OUT WILL YOU. So that's 5 weeks spent with friends okay shit i'm all calm and feeling happier now. Don't ask me why I'm a dork that I choose one friend every week. I have to spread out my meetings so I can get through the weeks you see. I shall meet them every saturday so the days will pass faster and i'd be happier and everything. UGH UGH UGH.

and i will poison myself on the second last week so I can get an MC. (I got an MC last wednesday because I sort of failed to poison myself which was supposed to give me a fever like it usually does, but instead I got giddy and weird, and therefore an mc yay!) Or maybe i should break my toes. OOOH or maybe i should contract malaria.

Labels: annoying, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

When I said I felt like killing myself, did you really think I was kidding?

I am not. I do not joke about such matters because I've been there, done that, washed clean and returned to the world.

I just want to survive. It is so hard? Is it so wrong to beg for life? Is it so wrong to want to do well enough so I don't end up like everyone else?

I have screwed my 3.999999 dream. My life is fucked in front of me. The dream is gone, the vision is lost. How will I tell my parents? My whole life was about excelling and proving my worthiness to them. What do I do? There is nothing to prove! Everytime I keep telling myself I will MAKE myself worthy. I will show them why I deserve to be their child, why I should be loved just as my sisters are. Why can I not have that one day, in which they would say, 'WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU.'
tell me why god, why do I not have that day? Am I so undeserving of it? Isn't it enough that I am ugly beyond imagination, why can I not have this, why can I not be blessed with virtue, with education, with smartness? Am I just stupid, am I just so undeserving of a good life? must I struggle all the time, must my day always end in tears, why does it seem like there is NO light at the end of the tunnel?

Maybe I deserve to unhappiness. Maybe this is my life. Maybe i'm a failed experiment. maybe I am the unluckiest human being.

I feel like lying down here, wait for the world to pass, let no one touch me, let me stop living.

I don't know what else to do.

Tonight I am a threat to myself.

you can't tell me that I am good in art that is why I can't do this.

'we are so proud of you.'

fuck. i don't know what else to do. i can't just move on, can't do better because my spirit is gone. I don't want to do this anymore. how will I do this?

help

Labels: depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, school, sickly talk

What do I have to do to get a bit of attention? Do I really have to fucking scream, 'I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY, NO IT WILL NOT BE ALRIGHT! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR A MOMENT AND JUST FUCKING SAVE ME.'

Again, I'm all alone. It's so cold, the world is so fucking cold. Everyone's busy being happy, and you're busy being in love.

Make this shit stop. It's not work. It's not the fact that I don't know where the fuck I am going. It's not the bloody results that are coming. I'm just so fucked up inside I just want this shit to stop. Make it stop. Please someone make it fucking stop.

I feel like vomiting. fuck.

make it stop.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

I should stop reading happy thoughts, seeing happy people, watching happy things. Let's face it, I'm not exactly a bundle a joy. If you think it's so easy to get better, maybe you could explain to me why I've been fucked up for 6 years.

I think my previous post caused quite a stir. 20 plus hits in one night? Holy shit. Did it actually shocked you how depressed I actually am? fucking shit.

Anyway.

Plan Recovery started yesterday. I'm trying my best. I really am.

So,

I probably did not mention this, but I have been sick. So what's the diagnosis? Unknown. I've been having frequent nosebleeds, and on tuesday before my thermofluids paper I vomitted out a lot of blood. Then I got so dizzy and couldn't stand still. And I still had a paper to sit for. Last night I was the last straw. I got scared shit so I went to see the doctor today.

No medication to help me, so they gave me a referral. Yeah, I have an appointment like in a month to get a wormy microscope stuck inside my nostrills. But, in the period from today to the appointment date, should I ever get another violent nosebleed, I need to get to the hospital asap.

Does that sound scary to you?

Because it does it me. Fever, migrain, nosebleed, puking and coughing out blood, headache...

Haha there's no reason to be happy. or positive.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

I have returned, feeling incredibly poorer even though the trip was a hundred percent subsidised by the commanding power, namely my kind parents. I am so glad to be sniffing and making sweet love to my bed again because the blood stained carpet and sheets at the hotel didn’t actually satisfy my oh so high standard of living. Amazingly, I managed to survive the trip with a few insect bites and a heavily infected face (pimples!), and oh yes, evil suffering and life changing experiences.

Of course by now you would have figured out that I am merely exaggerating (though I did feel much poorer and the room had blood everywhere! everywhere! It was as if someone had been murdered in our room!)
Malacca was immensely boring as I have been there like a million times in my lifetime (my mother’s whole tree line originated from Malacca, how I could not know the roots of my people.) I went because I wanted to experience the place as a ‘backpacker’ (oh how so!) and without easy means of transportation or parents.
Now I appreciate how hard it is to find halal food, even in Malacca. I did not predict going into a shop and asking whether the food was halal, in an Islamic country. What was sad is that I had to survive on crappy fast food. (Okay it was not crappy, but I wanted to express my unhappiness here.) Zingdo, instant noodles, Pizza Hut and finally some fish and sotong and belacan veggies. Okay, it was crappy.

I reached home last night with an ingestion, which I had to sleep through and severe diarrhea today. And I feel so terrible for having to skip floorball training!

Oh today was so dull. Apart from having to run to the toilet every now and then, I watched the last two episodes of Lost, and it left me in mortal peril because I can kill myself waiting for the new season.

Josh Holloway is so hot!

Henry Ian Cusick is disturbing sexy. I want to marry himm!!!

Labels: sickly talk, travelling

I hate my face. I hate my face. I hate my face.
I wish I could just rip it off and place a new one. a fucking pretty face.
I wish I wasn't fat.
I wish I was hot,
I wish I was perfect.
I wish I was everything else but me.
At the end of the day, personality isn't just everything.
The fact is that the whole world is shallow and you've got to suck it up and go along with the flow.

I'd give anything to live in a place where everyone has spotty skin, and people know how to enjoy life and grow fat.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

I don't exactly have a word to describe how I am feeling like now. It's just one of the days I hyperventilate or get panic attacks. It's getting harder and harder to breathe. I ate lots of dark chocolate to calm myself.

It is just those days where you get excited turning on the computer and realise there's actually nothing for you to do, but to keep refreshing pages over and over again. No one actually wants to talk to you on msn, everyone is too busy leading their own lives, not caring a fuck whether you're okay. That's just life I suppose. It doesn't wait for you. The universe certainly doesn't care.

I feel so pumped to run or do something exciting. Unfortunately it's been raining like nobody's business.

It's NOT like I have NOTHING to write about. I sure have stuffs to say about my reunion with some friends and the movie marathon with girlfriends. But the mood sure isn't there to be all perky and happy when you're so emotionally drained. All I want to do is to fall into a deep slumber and not wake up. I've been sucking everyone else's energy today. I really feel like a big black hole. It sure sucks like fucking hell that I'm feeling everyone else's emotions at the end of the day. Oh all the negative energy around me. I wasn't even like sad to begin with. I was all perky all day long. Sigh.

Talking about the no mood part, yes I do owe Adam a detailed email. I love that boy so much and it sucks that I can't even bring myself to write a simple letter or send a card. Just thought it's been a while since we had a proper conversation on msn.

Meh.

Labels: depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, sickly talk, whatever

I am finally sick. I'm having this really stupid cough and also running a fever! I think getting about 3-4 hours of sleep everyday (including weekends) for the past two weeks has contributed to my sickness. Sigh. My plan is to sleep for the whole of Sunday! Did I tell you that I ate FASTFOOD everyday? (I'm so fat!)

And why is this post completely dull!

They should probably call next week MST2. IA lab test, thermofluidsII theory, and maths. Sighhh. This means I have to study. Better start early. I'm aiming for a 3.99999999 gpa this year. But seeing my IA, CAM, thermo's test marks, I can confidently say that the 3.9999999 dream might be over.

I don't mean to sound like a prick, but I got 86 for mechanics! I'm so happy can.
Oh the good life. My parents don't care about the good marks I bring home. WELL TOO BAD. My sister might have 256 for the PSLE and everyone's all hoohaaa about it, but I'm going to work my arse off to bring home better results. Just wait and see. I'm going to screw their stereotyping. 'Ana's no good, she doesn't study, she brings home OK marks, and it's not good enough.'

I should log out before I get too angsty.

Nadya don't pangsei me okay. Must go gymmmm must must must! Look at me fats and flabbs.

Labels: fat, school, sickly talk

Last night I was feeling suicidal, and decided to kill myself by eating 3 slices of ham. Obviously, that didn't work, and the sideeffects included mild weight gain and intense craving for raw meat.

Labels: sickly talk

I'm having school woes. Oh, oh the first week of school sucks like hell. I've been having such a hard time trying to pry my eyelids open. I was staring down on my IA notes during lecture today and the words started dancing. This is not right, I tell you. Then I realised I was asleep.

No, no, no, new semester, new plans, new resolutions! This cannot happen. I must love my modules. I must listen to lectures. I must stay vigilant! I'm all falling apart. You should see the state of my hair. I can hear my brain just screaming, 'I must sleep! I must, I must!' I haven't had a dreamless sleep in years. They're just constant nightmares and swirly stuff and horrible scenarios. And then there's this other thing that I am very depressed about, which I cannot tell you, then the parents thing, then the sibling rivalry thing, then the housework, and then there's like PRO-E, and lonely GEMS class. Just, ARGHH! I AM SO GOD DAMN TIRED I NEED TO LIKE SLEEP FOR 24 HOURS AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. WHEN I OPEN MY EYES MY DEPRESSING THING WILL GO AWAY, MY PARENTS WILL GO TO AUSTRALIA, I WILL BE THIN, I WILL BE SMART, AND MY GPA WOULD BE LIKE 3.9999999999!

I swear it's just me going through a mental disorder. I've never done like 2 sentences in CAPS. This is not right, I tell you.

I think I need to sleep.

Labels: annoying, school, sickly talk