So Kelvin (from now on he shall be called 'K') is going NS right? No problemo. Or so I thought. It shouldn't be so bad that I can see K on weekends right? Sigh.

It never occured to me that while he's in ns, I can't speak to him all the time, and whenever I would need him, he can't be there for me. Now when I'm sad or gloomy I can count on K to make me laugh and smile. You know I don't rely alot on any of my friends emotionally. Probably they're always busy with their significant others or their important lives, or maybe I'm not comfortable with having such openess with them that I bare all my feelings and emotions. I have alot of issues with my mother and K has always been there to make me feel better. Sigh now I'm losing my soulmate because he is a Singaporean boy.

And what's more stupid is that he got his enlistment date less than two months before the day itself. 3 weeks of K being in tekong should be fine because I will try to get myself really busy so that time will fly past really fast. I mean everything is just so depressing. They're taking him away from me so fast :( And with my week long job gig it's going to be faster till june 10th. why can't they wait for my birthday then chuck him in?

I'm gloooomy. I'll get a fast paced job. And work like mad so that 2 years will fly past fast. that's going to be when i'm 22?

hbefrbrjtl5l6nglntnl. If you know of any support groups pls tell me if I'm too uncool to join.

-


puppy, thanks for the lil' gift the other day. It was really nice that you got that for me. I felt so moved because you probably got that because you cared for me. I bet you've never given any of your mambo50 something like that! Lol. So I don't mind you calling me bitch and momok when we're in the gym and I'm asking you to do more reps!

Labels: ns, sad

Kelvin is enlisting in 10th June 2009.

Noooooooooooo! It's too sudden and too fast! Army come on look how skinny he is. =(
*sulks*

Labels: sad

Being the usual insecure, really fat, really ugly (now i must emphasise that if I wasn't fat, I wouldnt be ugly, because I was hot when I was thin a couple of years ago) self, my seeming uncontrollable jealousy makes me unproductive. Unproductive meaning moping about, browsing through many pictures of deceased she-male ex-es, then feel shitty about self that you completely forget about the homework and stupid meaningless report you have to do that night. It's worse when the object of affection seems caught up by pictures of the object of my envy. Because I feel more and more desolate and uncherished, until I'm left to rot in the cabbage patch and turn into food for the crows.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'm not that all lovable.
But when you poke on my fats I feel all happy again. I need a fat poker. Poke me poke me poke me!

Today I watched Body Of Lies with kelvin. It was beyond scary that I used my scarf to cover my face for most of the scenes. I think it breeds islamophobia, somehow. Watching that wasnt so comfortable with imbeciles sitting in front repeating phrases 'insyallah' as a joke then laughing at it. Seriously, that's not funny you moron. It also shows how ignorant america is towards human lives, using innocent people as bait. Shows how cruel jihadists are, and all the politics. But as kelvin said, the movie was shining the spotlight on america about how they cannot be trusted, how they use people for their own advantage and all that. It wasn't a complete waste, but I do not like the movie.

Fyp is such an idiot.

Labels: movie, sad, stupid obsessions

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way


Both sides now, Joni Mitchell.


There's someone who wants to talk to me tonight. Despite how lonely I feel, I do not feel like responding. Because I feel so despondent. The more I try to run away from the truth, the more it wants to be seen, how it dances right in front of my eyes. We're world's apart. I could never ever be a part of his world because I'm different.

I push good things away. I make people not want to live with me. I hold them then I throw them in the sea. I don't deserve you.


-

Pity if this wasn't posted.

Labels: depressing, nothing makes sense anymore, sad

I think I'm getting too obssessed for my own good. DON'T LEAVE ME FOR TWO WEEKS, is all I'm screaming about. I'd have no idea what to do with 2 weeks not seeing or talking to someone. If I did save enough money, I'd have 4 days with siaza at a quiet beach suntanning in our new bikinis, my sister would be in india for OBS and I would be completely alone and lonely, and i bet everyone else would be so busy with fyp and stuff. This is no good. My lifeline is going to deplete, and then, BOOM! My head starts to pop and I'm going to run to the airport and watch the planes fly and be retarded for the rest of my life. Ugh talk about clinginess. So now I think I'm going to watch celebrity apprentice and after that for the rest of my life before menopause, I'm going to soak my brains in economics and politics. Yeah baby, screw the 3.9999999999999 gpa.

Labels: boys, random talk, sad

The only reason I've been behaving like a selfish prick these days is because I'm hopelessly in love with you. My mood swings are horrible and you're amazing because you're the only person who can cope with that. I demand a lot, I know. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best to be as close to that for you. Hey, I'll smile, I'll behave, I'll put my bouts of moodiness aside. I will be Barbie for you. It was appalling when you told me today that I'm not sensitive enough because I am a controller. I've said this many times: just go out with whoever you want to. The most I can do is give you a weak smile. Love her, choose her, if that makes you happy. I know ages ago I said I wanted you to be happy, even if I'm not in the picture at the end of the day. It's still true now. I know I sulk and mope around a lot, but deep inside all I want is for you to be happy.

Of course after tearing up at Vivo, I felt like a huge disappointment. Like you buy something and then it doesn't perform up to your standard. I was nice at first, but when you opened me up raw, I'm actually rotten inside. I'm sorry you had to see me like this. I'm sorry I'm probably the most revolting person you have ever met. I completely understand why you fell out of love with me.

You're my star, you're the big hand that grabs my shoulder when I'm going the wrong way, and you make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. You're my soulmate.

Sigh.

Labels: depressing, letting go, loveee, sad

I predict that in the course of these few days, I'm going to have numerous blog posts and have blogging dihorrea. When I'm by myself I tend to drift into my thoughts and compulsively write them down because well, raf can't really shut her trap even for a moment.

Yesterday dinner without my secondsister was tense. There was no conversation, my mum was in a foul mood as usual, my little sister was moping by herself and conversations that I initiated went ignored. So I gave up and decided to stare at my food and shut up, fully aware that my mum was watching me. Then I sat in the living room to drink my coke and my dad came along and he started to talk about how much he ate. I know his intentions were good, but most of the time I don't know what to say to him. As we get older I find that it's harder to talk to my parents. When I want to talk to them they wouldn't talk to me, but when they want to talk to me, I completely shut them off. Sometimes it feels so fake, this facade we put up for each other. 19 years I've lived in this family, and I know absolutely nothing about my parents. I only know my mum as cold and pms-y, and I stay away from her as much as I can; I know my dad is a scary sleeping volcano and he doesn't argue with my mum that much. It's a lot worse when we're in the same elevator because the silence is awkward. It appals me that we live like strangers in the same house.

If you've wondered why I don't talk alot around people I'm not close to, it is because I never have any idea about what to say. So most of the time I'm sucked into my own daydreams and thoughts and think about what to write when I get home. Even around my own friends I drift into the world inside my shell, and when I talk it's like my heart is never there. When I met fishboy he was the person I've always wanted to meet. With him I feel like we're one entity. He pulled me out of my shell and with him I felt so real. Like my existence was justified, I was there, and I wasn't dreaming. Instead he was the one drifting into his thoughts and I loved to sit in front of him watching the little boy running deep into the fortress I could only dream of entering. On thursday that image of the little boy turned into a man and I adored this man, perfect or not. Now he's the one caught in the moment, and I am not. He catches me dreaming, my mind is not there and I reply him like a blank space. What he doesn't know is that I'm trapped in my own shell and I want him to pull me back out. I'm constantly waiting for fishboy to put all his anxiety away, until he's ready to accomodate my sorrow. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And why the hell am I writing this here? This belongs to my livejournal, oh god.

Labels: blah, dreams, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, sad

What is happiness to you?

It was rainbow throughout the rainy days. It was the glint of sunlight, after a death. Happiness is shortlived. During the sad parts, I've just got to ride it out and think about the happier times, hold onto them like they're everything I'll ever have. I'm back home, my thoughts are just sinking in, my sense of loss and despair is consuming me. To think that just a few hours ago I was happy. Going to school with a smile on my face, feeling like everything is going to be better. Watching kelvin eating curry mee, kelvin murmuring to me about jim jones while I was trying to study stats. Watching The Dark Knight again. This time with a huge tub of popcorn in my arms. With someone to share it. I turn my head and I see my bestest friend there.

That is happiness to me.

Thank you so much chee sing. (:

Labels: friends, losing, loveee, sad

Just an empty space, a blank wall, a white canvas.

Gone.

Empty. Empty coffin.

Labels: i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, losing, nothing makes sense anymore, sad

I've never felt so alone in the world. Like everywhere you turn, there's no one, just strangers, staring back at you, shadows hiding behind the curtains, whispering. No blanket to shield you from the cold, no big fat arm to cuddle, nothing, nothing in sight. I feel like my world has turned upside down and I don't know how it'll ever be right side up again. Everything is all wrong now, nothing is falling into place, everything is falling apart, disintegrating, floating in the air beyond my reach. I don't know how to fix this. I can't fix this. I want all of it to be right again, I want to go back to when everything was new and exciting, so I'd know how to do it right. So I can watch the series of good events happening in front of my eyes, feel the emotions running through me and feel the same happiness, the same butterflies in the stomach feeling, and the tingling feeling deep inside my soul where no one knows.

You know sometimes, it doesn't matter if you're standing beside someone and talking to them. You feel like they're drifting further and further away from you, they're turning into this person you don't know, and you're scared. Scared one day they might be gone from your life and leave you here to cope with being absolutely alone. It's like this vision, these memories of all the time you spent together laughing, giggling, talking- dissipating, dying, gone. It was like a dream, all of it.

I'm spending a lot of my time at school alone nowadays. I am going insane. I have no one to talk to, no one to eat with, no one to go places with. PSP isn't enough to get me away from my sadness. Oh the agony of being completely alone. And I just starve the whole day and sit at t15 like some loon waiting for classes. Today I was very moody so I skipped lecture and just went to jurong point and ate there alone. Who cares I was so fucked up already. I'm going to be fucked up for the rest of my semester. No my life isn't going to change, it's just one big blow after another. Soon when I'll have enough I'll jump down and die.

Labels: depressing, nothing makes sense anymore, sad, school, sinking

Once in a house on a hill
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart

For a day and a night
I stayed beside him
Until I had no hope

So I came down the hill
Of course I was hurt
But then I started to think

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself


It's funny isn't it, how love actually makes you want to die. Like all you want to do now is get so fucking drunk and walk aimlessly to the middle of the road and hope some truck hits you and you'd die like an instantaneous death, thus ending your pain, filling up your emptiness with crushed brain and broken bones. We have all been blind. Blinded by the lie that someday something might exist.

I'm letting go. This is hurting me, being in love. This was my burden to bear.
It was a gift for you that someone loved you that much. This person also loved you so much that it became a curse cause everything is messed up now. I'm sick of falling apart and having to put myself back together again. I'm chasing a rainbow to no end. I'm dangling my heart on a piece of string and no fish eats it up.

Thank you, thank you, for everything. You have no idea how happy you've made me. Just your friendship and kindness alone was enough to stop me from spiraling into self-destruction.

I stopped asking god for things. I am a bad person. I don't believe god hears me. I don't believe god gives a damn anymore, or has ever given a damn. Sometimes I ask if he puts us here to die. With no guide or light, or hope that motivates us to survive. I've lost hope that god hears me because every goddamn thing is falling apart now.

With no god I feel so fucking screwed up. I need god back in my life. I feel nothing, nothing at all. Like I'm screaming standing on a boat in the vast ocean but no one hears me. I'm all alone, in the dark, standing naked and shivering, because god is absent from my life. I feel nothing. I am empty. How did it ever amount to this? Why?

WHY WHY WHY.



I thought of the boy
No one could ever forget

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

Labels: cruel, depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, letting go, loveee, nothing makes sense anymore, sad

I wish I was demure.

I wish I was someone special.

I wish someone actually cared about me getting better.

Labels: i swear i'm trying to get better, sad

Ultimately at the end of the day I have to realise that I alone can make myself happy and not other people. All this time I thought I was running away from myself by doing things to distract me. So I felt guilty and stopped doing the things that I liked, and sat down to face myself. I realised I couldn't control my emotions and I was crying every night. Then Faye told me that I wasn't running away from myself. I was just making myself happy. Oh how stupid. I shouldn't have stopped. Now it's very hard to snap out of this manic depressive state.

I don't even know why I'm feeling depressed. It used to be a lot worse because I was very very lonely. It's not so bad now because I have Kelvin Loh who constantly bombards me with smses that actually make my day. It's fascinating to have someone that actually cares about you okay. No one used to care about Ana actually. When she cries no one even bothers. So I guess I have Chee Sing to thank. I mean really. I'm unbearable to live with. And thing is sometimes you do things that you don't really think much about, but it means the world to another person. Yes Kelvin, this is one way you have touched my heart. Good morning messages followed by 'How are you feeling.'

And you're the first person I'm going to miss when I go to Hong Kong!

Alright people I'm flying off to chinesedisneyland bye!

Labels: friends, pondering, sad

"You don't always get the dream house, but you get awfully close."


I don't know why I'm always at the suffering end. It seems like life hasn't turned for the better. All I get is turmoils and one big blow after another. Maybe god doesn't care, that's why. Why my happiness lasts only for a day and the other days are just bleak and filled with despair. There is no end to this tunnel, there is no end to this rainbow. Maybe there really is no end. Maybe happiness doesn't exist. Maybe I'm meant to give and not to take. Maybe I deserve nothing.

Maybe I am nothing.

So lifeless. This life is a fucking lie and it's so tiring to live it anymore. I'm just tettering on the edge of a building, waiting, waiting, grabbing hold on whatever that passes by. Why do I keep tettering? Why not jump? What am I waiting for?


I really want you to really want me but I really don't know if you can do that.
I know you want to know what's right but I know it's so hard for you to do that.
And time's running out as often it does and often dictates that you can't do that.
But fate can't break this feeling inside that's burning up through my veins.
I really want you.
I really want you.
I really want you - now.
No matter what I say or do, the message isn't getting through,
And you're listening to the sound of my breaking heart.
I love this song now.



I really want this puppy because I'm feeling very sad nowwwww. :'(

Labels: blah, depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, sad, unrequited

I feel cold and alone. Maybe the world is really made up of lies. Maybe no one really cares. Maybe there's no one that actually wants to make you happy. Maybe no one loves you.

And all I can do now is to stare down at my hands and ask, 'what have I done? how did it ever amount to this?'

What if there is really no end to the rainbow? What if we're chasing something that is not even there? What if the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't exist? What if the white rabbit is just an imagination?

How do you stop yourself? How do you stop chasing the rainbow, how do you stop walking through the tunnel? I don't know what is at the end, but I've got to try. I've got to see if there is really a pot of gold, a ray of light, paradise or love. How could you stop halfway then sit where you're at and give up? What if I'm really chasing for something that I know in my heart exists? I've got to try, I've got to see, I've got to feel it, touch it, kiss it.

Of course sometimes what you had hoped to be there turned out to be something else, like a man eating monster, a pool of acid, or a heartbreaker. It'll gobble up your insides and hurt you, but at least now you can smile to yourself and say 'at least I've tried.'

I just don't want to leave everything hanging and never know the end. I don't want to stand here and regret that I've missed out on something beautiful because I'm scared.

No one lives with regrets for things they have done. You just learn from your mistakes, you live with experience, and you can walk through the rest of your life as a bigger person. Regrets only come when you realise that you've left things behind or didn't give somethings a chance.

How could giving things a chance hurt you? It can't. At least now you know.

Labels: dreams, loveee, pondering, sad

Cinta tegarkan hatiku
Tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku berkata
Tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta hati
Bagai raga tak bernyawa

And honestly, i don't understand malay language that much.

Labels: dreams, loveee, sad

It's getting harder and harder faking a smile in school. I feel like my face has stiffened and it's now some ugly porcelain piece waiting to crack. It's like I'm really trying to put myself back together and gluing the pieces. But then inside its like this pressure, this force, these waves of emotions trying to break out, trying to shatter the outer surface and expose the core beneath.

I admit I have not been mentally there. People talk to me and I'm not really paying attention. All I'm doing is actually trying to stop myself from bursting out in tears or bouts of anger. I'm having a really hard time keeping it all together.

Pardon me if I'm not being understanding or whatever. I'm having a very hard time coping with being ugly, being not good enough, being unworthy, being useless, being a screwup, being a horrible friend, etc. It hurts like fucking hell inside. And everyone is just throwing all these stuff onto me, like piling and piling, making me feel more and more worthless, ugly, and incompetent. For a moment, just stop and try to understand why it isn't that easy to pretend that everything is okay.

I just want a hug. It feels like shit now.

Labels: depressing, fat, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, listless, sad

Why does it always have to hurt?

Labels: sad

Labels: music, sad

You are walking down the street one day and your foot get stuck in a hole. You can't pull your foot out. You're stuck there, under the rain, the blazing hot sun, and the cold wind. Everyone is moving around you, everyone is moving. Someone presses the fast forward button on the remote, and they move around you like blurry shadows caught in the momentum of life. And you're stuck, unmoving. The universe doesn't wait for you. The universe doesn't care. Everyone is living, everyone is moving on, everyone is drifting further and further away from you. Sometimes, just sometimes, you feel like you should be out of the hole after a while but then you're fine with being caught up in your own world. You're watching, quietly, at the corner of your eye. You fall in love with a passing stranger, you watch the people around you chase their dreams and fall in love with other people, you watch your own hands turn pale and dry. You hope for someone to notice you and help you out. But then you're stuck. Everyone is moving so fast now, they can't see you anymore. They're running, running, running... away.

Now you're here all alone and everyone has moved on. How do you go on from here? How do you catch up? A part of you wants to be stuck forever. You want to be living in the moment, stuck. A part of you is trying to drag you along with everyone else but you're kicking and screaming on the floor in protest. Who needs more, when this is ideal? What happens in the future, what if things never stay the same, what if you'll never feel this way again?

You're looking for the remote, but there's no remote. Where's the stop button?




.



I'm so emotionally stretchedddddd. And I ran 3.5km today and walked 1.5! yay yay yay will last longer next time.

Labels: blah, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, listless, sad