I had a lovely day yesterday. Completely abandoned my fyp, (I'm never going to hear theend of it) spent the whole day in town until my feet were all sore and cracked. Got my phone fixed, watched clone wars with kelvin, went to borders, walked and walked and walked, watched kelvin eat ben and jerry's ice cream, etc etc. Actually I was surprised I spent the whole day with cheesing. He's so fond of home that usually after two hours after we meet he'll go 'I want to go home,' and that makes me throw my usual moody tantrums and sometimes go completely silent that it bothers him and he'll go 'tsk women are so hard to understand.' Yadayadayadayada. It meant alot to me that you accompanied me all the way till dinner and that you won me a huge huge huge furry cheesing smelling polar bear the other day. (I came an hour late.) I'll so get you coffee next time and I'm waiting for the numerous ice cream treats that you had promised!

So after what seemed like ages (well since my birthday actually) I had dinner with cedar friends. Well I was a bit snappy, considering I didn't sleep the night before ( was up watching korean drama.) It was good to see them again and a tad sad cause it was the last time we're going to see our tiararararara who's flying her sexy ass to UK. And I'm not going to see her for over a year. Oh man tiara, I wish we had more time because I'm so dying to tell you loads of stuff. Haha enjoy sexy englishmen and sexy immigrants in the UK! Oh if there are hot scruffy scotsmen around can you please tell them your friend rafhana has a fetish and complete adoration for them?

Haha we took neoprints! Been agessss!




Oh god, why did I resort to narrating my day?

Labels: cedar, friends, happy talk, loveee

Okay I am bored, so I guess I'll spend the time uploading pictures and describing the movie marathon I had at my house with some girlfriends.

This was on the day of APAC Australia A vs somecountrythatican'treallyremember. Sebok ah these girls. lol! I was sick so I skipped training. Anyway, my parents and two of my sisters when to Kuantan, Malaysia for 4 days, so me and syiqah pretty much had the house to ourselves. It was fun and I went home late almost everyday, trying to enjoy every wee bit of time without parents. It was a good life that lasted for less than a week, eating things out of the fridge, lots and lots of chicken, and getting the house really dirty like it's our place. Anyway, after the swensens appointment with the secondary school girls, me and syaza felt it wasn't enough. So you know, being a really kind soul *coughs* I sacrificed my house so that they could come over!

I really liked that only a handful of us came cause it makes my house a little cleaner! LOL! Felt so syfc and Izzah! haha. good old times! So the rules were simple: bring your own food! It's so budget la. But really awesome all the same. Those children went to banquet and didn't get me anything! haha possibly punishing me for fetching them late.

I was so glad to show the people that I love, my house and my room! Now they can imagine the state I'm living in, where I surf the net, where I lie paralysed with marshmellows in my mouth...


when they arrived, look at how happy Syaza and mai were!

Anyway, they treated my house as if it was a museum! Lol, snapping pictures and stuff. I didn't clean my room at all, so I like had to hide stuff here and there. Syaza stepped on some shower foam on my floor. eeee, sorry man!
chose cds and stuff. I totally went for 40 year old virgin.
to benefit those who have not seen my room:





hehe look at all the books that I actually OWN! and the cds and dvds. heheh.


This was what I meant my the museum thingy. Haha oh man, my guitar that I hardly use.


And you know they got so sebok and looked through my drawings, and took more pictures,

(I think I'm promoting my room too much here! hahahah sorry sorry!)


So we like watched P.S and 40yearoldvirgin. Both m18 stuff. P.S more like showed people having sex (but not much), and 40yearoldvirgin was more tits and my kind of stuff lololol. Welcome to my world people. HAHAH. Well it sucked when they had to go home. I was so bored and lonely and kind of got stoned by all the marshmellows. I wish my parents and sisters would like go on a holiday again so I could invite my girlfriends over!


All together.

Much loveeeeee. please come back again. I want to eat more marshmellows and wedges and watch horny movies.

Labels: cedar, friends, happy talk

I usually find it easier to shut up and not talk.

People who don't like me with justifiable reasons should burn in hell. Like, what the hell did I do? Have you even tried talking to me?
Bloody bastards.

I am so tired. Yet I refuse to sleep. Oooh, panda eyes.

You know I'm thinking of getting a haircut. I LOOOOVE my hair now. It's so long and pretty and girly. But but I've always wanted a spiky boy haircut since my cedar days. Haha, should I do that? People keep saying that it doesn't matter anyway because I wear a tudung. But hell it sure does matter. It's for personal reasons I shall not elaborate. Oooh, maybe I should get haircut like Halle Berry in Catwoman. Oh so sexy. so so so should I?

rahhhhhhh.

Zaki has plans on torturing me today. We're going on a 5km run. While the prospects of it is quite exciting because I expect some endorphins to be released, I can also say that it scares the shit out of me a little bit. I love running, but I haven't ran in a longggg time since my cedar days. Yes, occasionally I jog, but I can't last for more than 15 minutes. I am so dead meat.
This is where I say I wish Tiara could run with me. Haha that woman runs like whoahhhh you know.
I NEED TO LOSE SOME FUCKING BAGGAGE. I am so fat so fat so fat. My schedule last time was like 1 day P.E, two days intense TAF and even stayed back for the afternoon TAF after school, 1 day gym. That is like 4 freaking days of working out. That's enough to make me lose 7kilos in a month! Argh I hate leaving cedar. ahaha loserrrr. everyone's like hating leaving their JCs and I'm still attached to my old school. whatdoyouexpect, poly no P.E okay!
Ineedsomeonetokickmyfuckingassbecauseineedtoworkout. bleh. and the bandana, and long pants is like getting in the way. I seriously love my FBT Vshorts okay! grahhhhh.
okay okay rafhana getting a little too cranky already.

I need cereal.

I going to be tak tahu malu sikit and say that my FBT shorts are going to make a comeback.

in an all women's gym.
hahah.

Labels: annoying, cedar, fat, operation seth

Oh it's been hard. I turned into this emotional git and everything. I have anger problems. What do people do when they're angry?

Anyway, I visited Cedar on teacher's day. Would've stayed for the concert if it wasn't for the need to buy children stuffs for my trip to Batam. It was rather, dreamy, I suppose. I feel like everyone has changed, and I'm just here, stuck. I'm not going to lie that it didn't hurt, that place. How people were talking about A2s and A1s, and all I ever got was a goddamn fucking B3 for english. If I could change the past, I would never jog outside and get bitten by an infected mosquito. Maybe I would've turned out okay. Maybe if i wasn't so complacent and slept during english, I would've turned out okay. Maybe if I was bright enough, I would've been okay. Where the hell did my dreams venture to? I had dreams, you know, like wanting to be in NJ and everything, and all I got was like not even close to Innova. I feel goddamn stupid. I know my mother was devastated, and so was I. The shame I had to face, the cruel relatives. And my sister who has surpassed all my acheivements, getting all the glory and the goddamn gloating about RJC makes me want to disappear. I wish I was bright enough. I wish I wasn't this person who completely threw away her physics after her favourite teacher didn't teach her anymore. God knows how I felt going back to Cedar that day. I couldn't really look at the teachers in the eye. I resent myself. Secretly I was saying, ' I'm sorry. For all the extra lessons and time you wasted on me, and all I got was a fucking C.' There's no hope for me. I feel that my mother doesn't care anymore. I'm in this place, this really hopeless, failed experiment. I'm terrified to tell her that I cannot go to a university, simply because I'm never going to be smart enough. The day I would have to tell her that, would be the day I have to kill myself.

That won't be long though. Results will be released when I come back from GYL.
Just,
oh my god.

I just want someone to tell me I'm smart enough to live. Because right now, I don't feel I deserve any of this.

Labels: cedar, depressing, sad, school

I felt so nostalgic so I decided to look through the Cedar yearbooks. I felt sick after that. Sick with longing, sick with love. Alas, I realised that I've grown up. I wish I was there. As relived as I felt to have graduate, I wish I could go back. I wish I could see my favourite Physics teacher, I wish I could have the scent of the school office and the dusty conrol room, I wish I still wore my uniform.

When I feel terribly attached to something and the sense of hopelessness creeps in, I get sick. My breath becomes heavy, I'm close to having a panic attack. And then I would have to calm myself down, try to breathe, try to grow up.

And god damn it, I WAS FUCKING PRETTY IN SEC 4.

My sec 2 life was the best, having the best friend, and dancing in NDP, seeing Peter Gn. Secondary 3 was spectacular - I was very good in Physics, and I found new friends. Secondary 4 was .. meh. But I was fucking pretty in May, so I don't care. It's my motivation now- to look that good.

I really want to visit Cedar since it'll be the LAST year it'll look the same since I graduated. But I don't have many friends there, and they're all so busy with school and stuff. I don't think I could ever go back aloneee. I really really really want to go back to Cedarrrrr! *coughs* READ THIS TIARA *coughs*

I'm going to scan my pictures hahahahaha. Just to prove to you I was pretty. LOL.

I actually regretted hating my Cedar years so violently. But I was too depressed at that time, I wasn't thinking properly. I wish I actually dressed up better for Prom Night, kept to my weight, never cut my hair the day before graduation day. Damn you fucking mental illness. I would've been as happy as my friends back then.

Most of all, I fucking miss SYFC!

Labels: cedar, depressing, school