Today was filled with ikea's food, tears, laughter, fights and arguments. When I reached home I felt like shit, thinking, I probably screwed up my goddamn life and the only way to get out of this rut (or to survive, at this moment) is to get drunk and wasted and OD on aspirin. Then I remembered, hey, faye is online, so I went to talk to her. Reasons why I love Faye is because whenever I'm at my lowest I'll just type all my shit and nonsense and let her do her magic. I'm led to believe she had put a spell on me because just minutes after moping about my sad life, I was up and about again, chipper and perky. I mean, I can control my life. I can be happy. I don't want fishboy to feel bad all the time for me crying in public. So now I'm thinking, hey why don't I text fishboy and apologise and tell him that I've got a whole new outlook on life? But nah, I'll give him some room to breathe for now. No one needs rafhana breathing down their throats all the time. Sometimes when you're at your lowest, you look around for girlfriends to help you get through this, but they've sort of apparated into thin air. I've been friends with Faye for like 4 years now (holy shit, thats bloody long) and I've never had dinner with her. So toodles for now, I'm going to finish my 30-page report! 10 pages to goooo!

Labels: boys, friends, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee

I'm like in a mellow, ready to destroy my life kind of phase. Religion and racial differences are a pain in the ass. I wish I could live in the mint cookie box.

=(

Labels: boys, depressing, love bashing, unrequited

My PMS is really getting out of control. I go from perky and funny to angsty and bitchy, to bursting into a fit of tears. What's worse is that kelveen has to bear the brunt of it. And as though that didn't make him hate me more, he still wants to see me everyday. I screamed at him yesterday for finishing like half of my gummies lol. Don't ever consult me during the PMS phase, because I will seriously bite your fingers off.

I just cannot wait for all these things to end, so we could stop fighting. bleh.

Labels: boys, pms

Cheesing, please please shave your mustache laaaaaa. Everytime I see you (which has been everyday,) I feel like pulling it off strand by strand with my tweezers. HAHAHAHA.

I'm so broke. I have 10 bucks in my bank and I don't know how to get it out. It's my first time being poor because usually when I'm out of money, fishboy has money, and when he's got no money, I have money. It's like a whole money dependency thing. Now we both don't have money, cus yesterday I just treated him to ramen. Can't wait for hari raya because i really really need money.

Dear menses, please come soon. I don't want to fast on saturday's match, and I also don't want to push myself through the crowd in the mosque on hari raya. Call me an ass, but lazy is my middle name.

My god I'm so moody.

My parents have been so busy. My mum is stuck with her uni work and classes, and my dad does overtime a lot these days. Somedays I'm so caught up that I spend most of my time in my room. I barely see my parents for more than an hour. A few minutes at suhoor, and if they're early, then break fast. I feel sorry for my little sister. Someone has to help her with her homework, and at least be at home to break fast with her. This is something no one understands. My parents rely on me to be there to set the table and buy food. My mum wants me to help my little sister with her homework. If there's no fyp, then I spend my afternoon with kelvin, and then we buy food, and he helps me carry the stuff home. Sometimes if it weren't for his fondness of walking me home, I don't think I can manage buying 7 packets of food and dragging it home.

I want to be a responsible adult. Eventhough I get annoyed with my mum sometimes, family to me is more important. I am willing to let go of everything else for family. Pathetic isnt it? My family doesn't appreciate my efforts, but at least they appreciate me more that how any team would appreciate me.

Labels: family, money, random talk

I'm a compulsive blogger, oh god. So curious about the whole hoo-ha about Henderson Waves, I decided to go there today. Oh the walk was so freaking tiring and I wore really thin slippers!

Kelvin is so not a camwhore. Why the mustache mister! Teehee.





(:

LOL cheesing is so ah beng!

Labels: happy talk, loveee

Ew, I don't mean to be rude or racist towards my own people, but, stupid mats annoy the hell out of me. Well, maybe not just mats, but immature, uncivilised, unsophisticated melayu guys in general. Why bother me? I have rights as a citizen, so just screw off, I can do whatever I like, so shut your trap. Ugh, burn in hell.

Then I started to browse through my really sleepy love life. I've never had relations with any melayu (oh god, melayu guys are so scary okay,) with the exception of my childhood sweetheart who I've known since primary two, and even so, he was half chinese (very cute boy, shorter than me. He had mr goh's surname lolololol!) And then I got involved and naively fell for an ex-victorian indian guy, and then a very very handsome chinese boy haha. I've told Nadya countless of times that I'm terrified of boys of my own race, unless they can speak english and are able to behave maturely and they're from some smart school like RI or something.

(Actually for this PSC camp there was this RI malay guy who went to AJ then to SP and he talked to me a lot a lot but I was too dumb to realise he was hitting on me. wth. brilliant guy though, I love our short intellectual conversations. actually while i was asleep he crept up to me and stared down to say good morning, which left me almost dead from the shock. haha wth why am i talking about this.)

Oops pardon the disgression. But why why why do I find myself like a misfit among the malay community? And why am I afraid of my own people?! I need some malay therapy. My bahasa melayu is terrible, honestly. And if I'm sitting in a public transport and I hear people conversing in bahasa, I assume they're like so gangsta hahaha. And I have no idea how to ask for forgiveness this hari raya. I can't convey myself in bahasa! I'd be like, 'Mama, maafkan ah-na. bye bye selamat hari rayer.' Then I'd proceed to opening the hong bao and grinning to myself.

Why are people from my community so notorious. Sometimes I just want to hide my face and wish I could change colour when I hear them blaring freaking techno throughout the whole bus. I'd like to end this post with what I've heard a group of melayu boys from my school say, 'eh go hisap your bird-bird!'

ROFL.

Labels: annoying, bitching

I hate not being in control. When I'm just a member, I don't care about the group. I don't care about getting my work done. Eff why pee is a fucking chore. So here's the catch: nanti pukul 10 nak kene meet si dier tu, and I'm awake at 5 tapi belom start on anything pon. Pfft. And kalau kau tu leader, you kena cope dengan sub-standard shit. Jangan complain asshole. Aku dah susah-susah (chey) buat kerja kau macam babi. kau nak complain eh? Nahbeh. Dah lah for the first few(and lots of months) kiter start project tu, kau punye 'section' sebok buat kerja yang tak munahsabah, like ridiculous ideas. Pfft. Who slogged? Aku jugak. Siaper kene pergi enteeyou jauh jauh kat freaking boonlay untuk tido dalam 3 jam lecture? aku jugak. boleh tak aku harap kau mati kena langgar lori?

go fuck yourself, sial. aku tak percaya nanti aku kena tengok muker kau yang burok tu.

I took so long to write in malay. Yay me.

Labels: bitching

Ignore my thunder thighs! LOL.

Labels: happy talk, sisters

The only reason I've been behaving like a selfish prick these days is because I'm hopelessly in love with you. My mood swings are horrible and you're amazing because you're the only person who can cope with that. I demand a lot, I know. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best to be as close to that for you. Hey, I'll smile, I'll behave, I'll put my bouts of moodiness aside. I will be Barbie for you. It was appalling when you told me today that I'm not sensitive enough because I am a controller. I've said this many times: just go out with whoever you want to. The most I can do is give you a weak smile. Love her, choose her, if that makes you happy. I know ages ago I said I wanted you to be happy, even if I'm not in the picture at the end of the day. It's still true now. I know I sulk and mope around a lot, but deep inside all I want is for you to be happy.

Of course after tearing up at Vivo, I felt like a huge disappointment. Like you buy something and then it doesn't perform up to your standard. I was nice at first, but when you opened me up raw, I'm actually rotten inside. I'm sorry you had to see me like this. I'm sorry I'm probably the most revolting person you have ever met. I completely understand why you fell out of love with me.

You're my star, you're the big hand that grabs my shoulder when I'm going the wrong way, and you make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. You're my soulmate.

Sigh.

Labels: depressing, letting go, loveee, sad

My feet are hard and sore. Two whole days I've been out with Kelvin, walking, and walking and walking. Now I can't even stand for more than a minute. The weather is scorching hot and I'm darker already. I can't wait for my period, then we can go to ikea and eat scrumptious meatballs, soup and fake meat. Then I can eat and eat whenever I want to. I know people like fasting month so much, but sometimes it feels sad when I have to sit somewhere only to watch kelvin eat and smell his food. I can't wait for ikea, breeks, and many other places we're going to pig out at! Yay!

FYP undone, and my head is going to get severed.

I got a B for finance! YAY.

Labels: food, loveee

Hats off to Rafhana for doing it again. Yes, attaining a remarkably low GPA yet again, that has alas pulled down her overall GPA, which makes her incapable of getting her ass into uni. Rafhana's prediction tells her that she will be stuck in an 8-5 job for the rest of her life. She's stuck in the lot of underacheivers, who's going to stand by the side of the road and watch their friends graduate university and get great jobs.

I'm stuck here, with a meagre GPA and with no face to tell my parents. I am ashamed of my incapabilities. My sister got into NJ for godsakes and my other sister is in cedar and they're both excelling, probably. I'm just this fucking old toad who's got no value in her parents eyes. My whole life I could only dream of doing well. Four freaking D+? Are you fucking kidding me? Ana, ana, maybe he was right all along, you should go fuck yourself.

Labels: depressing, school

I watched Oprah in the morning and it was about the laws of attraction. What you think is what you get. We constantly send messages to the universe. Pessimism will be rewarded with a suckier life, and optimism- the rest of your life will fall into place. It was quite enlightening. I was hot and bothered in the morning, until I imagined cheesing giving me a call at 6.

True enough, cheesing called me at 6.45 and he made this sing-song exclamation, 'I'M BACKKKK!' I've never been more relieved. After the nights dreaming about cheesing being mauled by tigers or molested by giant baboons off the streets of malaysia, he's back. His private parts are still intact, I hope. LOL. So now Ana is a happy happy girl. Yay, I can start doing FYP now.

I was examining how I've subconsiously applied the laws of attraction. I had a vision of me carrying one of the polar bears at kiddy palace, and guess what, not long after that we were at the arcade and we won a polar bear! I've repelled malay boys somehow (by the power of my thinking, voila!) Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sarong party girl, nor do i gnaw on the fingers of chinese men. I am attracted to anyone with enough level of sophistication. Anyway, I had a thought that I was going to be kissed when I'm 18, and it came true.

So on the show these life coaches were saying that we should not obssess over the thought. Instead we just think about it, and then we surrender, and the universe will take over. Most of the cases, my thoughts that had come true were never in my mind obssessively. It was something that was good for me, but I didn't need it. I am content with my life in every way possible though I am aware that I ramble about the suckiness of it a lot, yes. The thing is, if you think life sucks, it will SUCK.

Everyday I need to look at myself in the mirror and exclaim, 'I love you, Rafhana! I love life and life loves me!' We wouldn't believe it at first, we're probably just saying it for the sake of saying it. But in order to grow a tree, we need to plant a seed, and these affirmations are our seed, and from that we water it, care for it, and it will grow into our tree. I'm pumped to grow into a better person. I'm motivated to improve the quality of my life. I'm happy with all the friends I have, I'm happy because I've got cheesing, I'm happy that my standard of living is acceptable (and luxurious on good days.) We can't have the best of everything, but I am grateful for the things I already have.

So cheers to that, I'm to start doing my fyp now before someone rips off my head.

Labels: happy talk, loveee, pondering, positive thinking

Stupid I'm freaking out right now. I'm having these images in my head like a bus being robbed by some mob or hijacked by some hairy gorilla and then throwing that boy into the drain and then taking his phone away that's why no one is answering my messagessss oh god oh god oh god i'm so fucking worriedddddd!!! I'm probably just paranoid, but its already freaking tuesday and you're not back?!!! wthwthwth this is so worrying. i'm pissing in my pants already. ahyoh come back come back will you. this is so unfair that you're making ana so stressed and worried. omg what if you found some superficial hot malaysian girl and decide to stay there forever and marry her? OMG! OKAY PARANOIA.

I need to bathe in cold water and calm down and hope this paranoia erodes.


I AM SO FUCKING WORRIED.

Labels: depressing

Polar bear! Rheeeeeeeeeeeeee. ❤

I got a call from Kelvin Loh today! He called from freaking ipoh and he doesn't really care about my crooked thumb. Kanina. Mesej 50 sen pon tak nak reply. Nanti awak balik, I takot takot kan awak baru tahu!

So yesterday, uhm Armadas won! Woot. Yay I have a crooked thumb now. My right thumb was crooked because I slammed it against the car door (and my dad drove off, which left my thumb almost severed and it had to be stitched back, ow.) Now my left thumb is crooked because some dumbass (oops) hit it (or something, cause I don't know what exactly happened because I was blur blur in court. And I also didn't know I scored. HAHA wth.)

I want bangs yo.

I hate stupid freaking geylang and the people who walk like the world's never going to end.

Ana's trying to cope, ana's trying not to be clingy, ana's wondering when she's going to do fyp, due date is 2 weeks ago, ana is fucking screwed. And I'm so retarded refering to myself as a third person.

I'm trying my best to get rid of my malay accent. It's annoying and kelvin keeps laughing at me.

EDIT:
Pardon me for being completely self obssessed, but this is the nicest picture of me ever! LOL.

Labels: floorball, loveee

I predict that in the course of these few days, I'm going to have numerous blog posts and have blogging dihorrea. When I'm by myself I tend to drift into my thoughts and compulsively write them down because well, raf can't really shut her trap even for a moment.

Yesterday dinner without my secondsister was tense. There was no conversation, my mum was in a foul mood as usual, my little sister was moping by herself and conversations that I initiated went ignored. So I gave up and decided to stare at my food and shut up, fully aware that my mum was watching me. Then I sat in the living room to drink my coke and my dad came along and he started to talk about how much he ate. I know his intentions were good, but most of the time I don't know what to say to him. As we get older I find that it's harder to talk to my parents. When I want to talk to them they wouldn't talk to me, but when they want to talk to me, I completely shut them off. Sometimes it feels so fake, this facade we put up for each other. 19 years I've lived in this family, and I know absolutely nothing about my parents. I only know my mum as cold and pms-y, and I stay away from her as much as I can; I know my dad is a scary sleeping volcano and he doesn't argue with my mum that much. It's a lot worse when we're in the same elevator because the silence is awkward. It appals me that we live like strangers in the same house.

If you've wondered why I don't talk alot around people I'm not close to, it is because I never have any idea about what to say. So most of the time I'm sucked into my own daydreams and thoughts and think about what to write when I get home. Even around my own friends I drift into the world inside my shell, and when I talk it's like my heart is never there. When I met fishboy he was the person I've always wanted to meet. With him I feel like we're one entity. He pulled me out of my shell and with him I felt so real. Like my existence was justified, I was there, and I wasn't dreaming. Instead he was the one drifting into his thoughts and I loved to sit in front of him watching the little boy running deep into the fortress I could only dream of entering. On thursday that image of the little boy turned into a man and I adored this man, perfect or not. Now he's the one caught in the moment, and I am not. He catches me dreaming, my mind is not there and I reply him like a blank space. What he doesn't know is that I'm trapped in my own shell and I want him to pull me back out. I'm constantly waiting for fishboy to put all his anxiety away, until he's ready to accomodate my sorrow. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And why the hell am I writing this here? This belongs to my livejournal, oh god.

Labels: blah, dreams, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, sad

Chee sing will be going to malaysia for a few days. *sobs*
I'm such a fucking sod. He lent me dvds to watch to occupy myself. I think I would have to switch my phone off. Haha so I wouldn't be anxious and start pulling my hair off. Take good care of your ass Kelvin.

(please remind me to delete this post when chee sing comes back.)

Yesterday I had a very enlightening experience and I saw hewhomustnotbenamed in a new light and fell in love with him all over again. It was the part of him that I never understood, the spritual side, the kinder side. When he turned to tell me he wasn't a good person, I could scarcely believe it because he was the most beautiful person I had ever known and the person sitting beside me was hardly a bad person at all. I feel remorseful for pushing him to commit sins because I never understood his connection to god. To me everyone is just as hopeless in their beliefs and I just wish I had that kind of devotion. I run from conversations about religion because it makes me uneasy. But I learned (but not practice) that we should not blame god for things that has happened to us, or be angry because he left us to suffer and shake our lives by taking someone dear to us away. Rather, we suffer because of the consequences of our decision and that god believes that we can take that kind of suffering a long way, and come out of it as a better person. Also, do not stray away from god eventhough we are tainted with sin and our past acts. For god is forgiving. I used to think for some reason god refuses to forgive me. He does not love me, he does not remember me. I could only hope to grope in the dark and find my way back. Though, inside my heart is vacant, only filled with grief and loss. I find no end to the darkness. Maybe I will never be a good person.

Amen. Haha I tend to digress in my writing. Pardon me.

Something unrelated- I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I miss Hong Kong. Whenever I see that HSBC building on the tv I wish I could go back and experience that place in a different way. Going with my family wasn't fun. I was never a family person. Nettieeee go with me one day lah. I will eat non halal food for you haha.

Sigh I need to finish FYP but I'm in no mood.




benbenbenbenbenbenbenbenben



Edit:
I don't care, but I'm going to get a golden retriever puppy once I move out of my mum's house. Oh yeah I'll get a cat and 2 bunny rabbits too.

Labels: ben, god, letting go, pondering, puppy, travelling

I can no longer say that I am an independent woman. I've become so clingy that I think I'm going to die not having someone to call me or sms during the weekends. Kanina. Ana ana, what the fuck happened to you?

I dont think I would ever survive graduation.

Stupid clingy girl.

Labels: annoying

I had a lovely day yesterday. Completely abandoned my fyp, (I'm never going to hear theend of it) spent the whole day in town until my feet were all sore and cracked. Got my phone fixed, watched clone wars with kelvin, went to borders, walked and walked and walked, watched kelvin eat ben and jerry's ice cream, etc etc. Actually I was surprised I spent the whole day with cheesing. He's so fond of home that usually after two hours after we meet he'll go 'I want to go home,' and that makes me throw my usual moody tantrums and sometimes go completely silent that it bothers him and he'll go 'tsk women are so hard to understand.' Yadayadayadayada. It meant alot to me that you accompanied me all the way till dinner and that you won me a huge huge huge furry cheesing smelling polar bear the other day. (I came an hour late.) I'll so get you coffee next time and I'm waiting for the numerous ice cream treats that you had promised!

So after what seemed like ages (well since my birthday actually) I had dinner with cedar friends. Well I was a bit snappy, considering I didn't sleep the night before ( was up watching korean drama.) It was good to see them again and a tad sad cause it was the last time we're going to see our tiararararara who's flying her sexy ass to UK. And I'm not going to see her for over a year. Oh man tiara, I wish we had more time because I'm so dying to tell you loads of stuff. Haha enjoy sexy englishmen and sexy immigrants in the UK! Oh if there are hot scruffy scotsmen around can you please tell them your friend rafhana has a fetish and complete adoration for them?

Haha we took neoprints! Been agessss!




Oh god, why did I resort to narrating my day?

Labels: cedar, friends, happy talk, loveee

You know, people read this blog, but never my entries. Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Oh pardon the Oh-i'm-so-angsty-and-i-don't-give-a-flying-fuck-whether-you're-sinking-in-deep-mud,-surrounded-by-a-gazillion-famished-crocodiles-and-desert-lions mood. Do you even know what I'm talking about? Am I using too bombastic words? (I don't and you must have a vocabulary of an ogre.) I hate that you still have the cheek to ask about something that I've already mentioned, and my friends don't even know about my photography/art/writing, oh dear god. I'm sick of you taking everyone for granted. You expect raf to be there when some snotty bitch princess decides to be cold to you for no reason, or some fiesty slut can't get her hands off your boy. Well, I don't care.
I don't care because obviously you're sinking deep in oblivion, thinking, raf probably doesn't need girlfriends, raf doesn't need me, I'm better of talking to my snotty hunky mr sexy boyfriend. ohhhh ohhhh ahhh my fucking boyfriend, i love him so goddamn fucking muchhh i love him forever and ever and everrr. OH GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP! You know what, there you go, this is raf for you. If that makes me less of a person, that I am cold and unforgiving, then that is your fucking problem. Get your nose out of my ass, I'm done making all the effort trying to talk to you, wanting to spend some bloody time with you. I'm barricading everyone out of my bloody life and i'm miss i'm-sorry-i-can't-be-fucked-anymore. I happen to like this rod stuck up my ass, thank you very much.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

Whatever. I've been sick these past few days and really, i'm too depressed to care about anything else. bye. i don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked