I am afraid to recover because I'm scared you'll leave me then I'll have no one anymore. I'm happier now. I swear I am. I have bad days but I have good ones too. Why can't you see the good days?

Labels: i swear i'm trying to get better

sometimes i wish my phone rang more and on the other line someone asks how i am feeling. because this feels like shit now and i'm really going to cry.


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
AHHH WTF ALL THESE TESTS AND PROJECTS WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THEM?
I WANT TO TELL MY MUM I WANT TO GET MARRIED TOMORROW SO SHE'LL FIND ME A SUITABLE HUSBAND AND I'LL DEDICATE THE REST OF MY LIFE TO HAVING KIDS AND DOING HOUSEWORK.
I FUCKING HATE THIS. I WISH I HAD A STUDY BUDDY.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked, school

Ana thinks chee sing should smile more because he's very cute when he smiles and she goes home feeling very very happy. And Ana thinks he looks really cute when he writes in his notebook. HAHAHAHA

Being away from the computer feels liberating. I'm not consumed and I have a lot more time to read and do my own things. Like, I'm halfway through Nettie's book (yay!), watched a bit of teevee, having time to doodle, and I can fight the temptation and study! I got good marks for my Statistics test and I'm exhilirated. Chee Sing Kelvin was jealous because he taught me stats and skipped his maths class to teach me. I feel very smart now and I want to study and get good grades for the rest of my subjects.

Rib hurts and has spread to right side of body. Bad, no? I think I'll wait until it becomes totally unbearable. Totally believe in self-medication. lol. fight the doctors and medicine!

I miss Java Chip. I wish I could just slump myself in a cafe and watch the world outside while reading a book. Unfortunately, I don't have the guts to sit in starbucks all by myself. I would so love to drag someone to be stuck in slow motion with me. And you know what I want to eat? Brownies. I was so jealous when my sister got them for her birthday.

Last night I jumped into bed at 9 and slept on till 8 this morning. I am so freaking tired.

Oh well, my birthday is coming soon. I'm looking forward to that! hehe. Okay not to be a pain in the ass, but I'm more into practical things. Like things I can use. I really don't have space for ornaments cause I'll just chuck them somewhere and they never get to see the daylight again. I've warned my parents about it. Lol. Of course, every year I get electronics from them. I hope they don't start giving me jewellery or watches. Hmm petty, petty.

god, I love the weepies.

Labels: dreams, happy talk, loveee

Right I'm having a splitting headache and I haven't really slept since Monday and I have to study. I don't know how to study. Never knew how.

In the meantime I uploaded more pictures into my deviantart. Please be nice and see them!

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Smiley-smiley-89533812
My sister.

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Rolling-89297374
Kowloon.

I really want to take my photography to another level but I really hate my lens! I need a 50mm. Someone help! I need money money money. I need filters, blah blah blah.

26 days till I turn 19. I hope my parents give me something good!

Sigh. Kind of feels like I'm standing there at the side of the road watching my heart being rolled over and squashed again and again.

After all these shitty tests finishes I need to get a job and do up my room. I need to go UK by Christmas. Lol, hopefully!

Labels: deviantart, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, school

Warning, depressed suicidal morbid oldish looking chemical imbalance in the brain thingy woman is about to poke herself in the eye and dedicate the rest of her life playing the saxophone for gay bars.



OH THE HORROR! Yes, rafhana, procrastinate somemore laaaa. See where it leads you to. Days of agonising mental torture and no sleep and lots of coffee. Plus this study room is so full of crap and junk and I really need my sleep or else you'll see a panda in tudung tomorrow (thanks nadya! LOL.) My rib isn't doing any better, and I think it has swelled up a bit. Maybe that's just how it has been, but i don't know. Mum says go see a doctor since I can't take deep breaths or lift my right arm without peace. And I'm having a cough fit so can you imagine the miserableness? I kept waking up in the middle of the night cause I was sleeping on the 'bad' side and owwwwww, fuck la, pain. Dad says it's just some muscle strain so don't complain about it. Mum's a nurse though, and she's doing a degree. Dad's a college dropout who used to play lots and lots of soccer and was a sexy librarian and spent most of his time running away from girls. Kelvin says gooooo doctor plssssss, in that mak nenek tone. LOLOLOL. So I don't really know who to listen to. My conscience tells me I'm not hurt and I should just suck it in and pretend it doesn't hurt until it starts to bleed internally and my lungs start to collapse. My brain tells me that I should be stupid and safe, then sorry. Conscience versus reasoning, which one makes a better moral judgement? Mr Kelvin Loh wrote this awesome article during the holidays about conscience and he owes me a burger : http://www.helium.com/items/1082915-is-conscience-righteous. So therefore, conscience wins and I'm gonna have to suck it in do I not?

Anyway, I'm stuck doing my last minute QEM elearning. What the fuck man. I hate homework. Homework is tortureeeee! I'm really having absolute zero fucking progress and I'm contemplating squeezing my brain juices and not sleeping until wednesday night. Possible? Yeah I'm SUPERWOMAN. I'd need like a guide though cause I might hallucinate by then and attempt to jump down the train tracks. So someone's going to stop me and slap me hard in the face.

It was my sister's birthday last Friday and dinner was the shit. I gave her a very cute notebook with animal cartoons on it, and the spine is blue so it's so not girly, but very childlike. My sister and I are weird that way. I like childish girly, whereas she's not crazy about girly, more of those tough cookie on the outside and really soft inside. HAHAHAHA, nak bunuh orang nampak. Her congee gave her skittles la, that's why I'm using his quotes.


YAY. SAKIT MAK OI.

Labels: annoying, happy talk, hot stuff, operation seth, school, sickly talk

My brain juices has been sucked out. And oh yes my rib hurts! Someone jabbed his stick into it and it hurts when I stretch or carry heavy things, or touch it. But oh well, I'm a woman of steel. So I'm indestructable so that makes me accident proof. lololol.

Anyway, I've decided to be horrible and not be there for people who pretty much is pushing me down the list of 'things to care about.' Just so you know, it doesn't make a difference if you apologise, just run back to some kuku friends when you have issues okay? Rafhana is not going to play nice anymore or be that fucking lampost so yeah. Whatever la.

Reading time traveller's wife is making me insane. Maybe I should stop reading it. Knew I couldn't trust american writers.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Fishboy deleted his facebook account and now I've got nothing to stare at! And school starts tomorrow AHHHHHH.

Labels: blah, happy talk

I woke up from a terrible dream. When I woke up I got disoriented and didn't know where I was, or the date, or the time. And the sense of hopelessness and despair just sank in. Like rock in quick sand.

I love standing in the rain. God is in the rain. I feel so detached from the world. When I'm walking in the rain it's so cold, like the weight of the world washing away from me, from my fingers, the tip of my nose, and my heart becoming emptier and devoid of feelings or emotions, or memory. When I'm standing in the rain, I'm free. So cold and alone; detached. No one could touch me or know what it's like inside of me. Waves of euphoria, waves of despondency, flowing into the drain and I'm completely free. If I could, I would stand there forever, wearing as little clothes as possible, and hope that I could die from the cold.

I've always wondered what it would feel like, being kissed in the rain.

Labels: dreams, pondering

I wish I was demure.

I wish I was someone special.

I wish someone actually cared about me getting better.

Labels: i swear i'm trying to get better, sad

I'm going to be like happy bitchy today. Bitchy because I heard a rude comment from arrogant fucking bastards. So what if I'm new to this sport huh. EVERYONE HAS TO START FROM FUCKING LOUSY. No one touches a fucking stick and be like oh so fucking good at it man. I bet you were lousy when you started so why don't you sit on some pedestal and let god kiss your fucking godly like ass and skill you fucking SOB. Now don't you cough in sarcasm. I am trying my best and if you're so fucking pro at it you don't have to look down on people just because they're not using a 10 dollar stick because they're so fucking lousy okay. UGH. Gossip is HARMFUL! Why do people gossip why why! And why can't you tell it infront of my face, ass. I hate fucking arrogant boys. EW. Ew pro bastards.

Yes I am fucking bitchy don't you dare defend them on my fucking tagboard because I would so spit it back at your fat face. I have the right to bitch about this because I am so bloody hurt and see my tiny self esteem is fucking bleeding now.

*smiles and turns into a gracious pretty girl*


I know I have not blogged about Hong Kong and I did get to grope Brad Pitt's ass at Madame Tussauds.


THIS IS THE ONLY UNBLURRY PICTURE MY SISTER TOOK AND I LOOK SO SLUTTY IN THIS.


Mel Gibson




HEHE TITS.


Look at how completely different our moods are. Actually I was so miserable.


At chinesedisneyland.







BYE POWHATTAN!

Oh disneyland is so magical.




HAHAHA my last time waking up with an ugly old shirt in the clean clean clean hotel.



Okay so random. But when we got home we were so happy with all the pashmere stuff we bought.

Okay bye I'm so ugly. Lol abrupt ending and sorry for being so mean.




Okay I found this in my computer! HAHAHA. Hot lahhhh.

I miss people a lot. I really have got to clean my room, bake cookies, cook something nice, go shopping, adopt a puppy (and keep it in kelvin's room), go out and fucking run now that my foot is better, eat bak kwa, drink java chip, study, draw, and what not. And eat more bak kwa. Bak kwa bak kwa bak kwa. I want to eat pork I don't care.

My god why is it so boringgggg.


Some pictures from Hong Kong:

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/II-88527185

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Hong-Kong-88526000

Labels: blah, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, photography

Ned: You're the only one for me.

Charlotte: I know you feel that way now, but there are things you want... there are things we both want.

Ned: Oh, everyone wants stuff. We wake up, everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

Charlotte: What do you need to be happy?

Ned: You.


You know the feeling when you've been away for a while and you come back not knowing what to feel? Delighted because you'll get to smell your bed again or dread because things might have changed? Stupid questions like did anyone miss you or maybe you should have died being run over by a bus in hong kong?

I'm relieved to be home. It was terrible over there, with my family yelling at each other, pissed off and angry almost all the time. I realised how lonely I felt, how tragic it felt like, to be absolutely alone, in my soul where no one could touch me or see how much it hurts to be me.

What I really enjoyed about the trip was sleeping and taking really hot baths. Sleep because I had strange dreams, and some good ones which quickly vanished as soon as it came up. And I woke up feeling horrible because it wasn't real.

People kept on saying, 'take a break, enjoy hong kong.' Did you ever for a second think that I could ever escape from the things that are constantly running in my mind? Every second, it's filled with stuff that sometimes I wish I could rip my brains out and stop being so ponder-y for a change. Sometimes I wish I could wish myself numb so I can't feel all these weird stuff I don't even know about.

And all I can do now is just sigh. I want to wake up tommorow feeling like everything has fallen into place and I'm happy.

Labels: depressing, listless, nothing makes sense anymore, pondering, travelling

Ultimately at the end of the day I have to realise that I alone can make myself happy and not other people. All this time I thought I was running away from myself by doing things to distract me. So I felt guilty and stopped doing the things that I liked, and sat down to face myself. I realised I couldn't control my emotions and I was crying every night. Then Faye told me that I wasn't running away from myself. I was just making myself happy. Oh how stupid. I shouldn't have stopped. Now it's very hard to snap out of this manic depressive state.

I don't even know why I'm feeling depressed. It used to be a lot worse because I was very very lonely. It's not so bad now because I have Kelvin Loh who constantly bombards me with smses that actually make my day. It's fascinating to have someone that actually cares about you okay. No one used to care about Ana actually. When she cries no one even bothers. So I guess I have Chee Sing to thank. I mean really. I'm unbearable to live with. And thing is sometimes you do things that you don't really think much about, but it means the world to another person. Yes Kelvin, this is one way you have touched my heart. Good morning messages followed by 'How are you feeling.'

And you're the first person I'm going to miss when I go to Hong Kong!

Alright people I'm flying off to chinesedisneyland bye!

Labels: friends, pondering, sad

The pain is too real.

I don't know but I think I'm going to hit rock bottom.

Labels: depressing

I want to drown myself.


http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Kindness-is-87853374

Labels: nothing makes sense anymore

"You don't always get the dream house, but you get awfully close."


I don't know why I'm always at the suffering end. It seems like life hasn't turned for the better. All I get is turmoils and one big blow after another. Maybe god doesn't care, that's why. Why my happiness lasts only for a day and the other days are just bleak and filled with despair. There is no end to this tunnel, there is no end to this rainbow. Maybe there really is no end. Maybe happiness doesn't exist. Maybe I'm meant to give and not to take. Maybe I deserve nothing.

Maybe I am nothing.

So lifeless. This life is a fucking lie and it's so tiring to live it anymore. I'm just tettering on the edge of a building, waiting, waiting, grabbing hold on whatever that passes by. Why do I keep tettering? Why not jump? What am I waiting for?


I really want you to really want me but I really don't know if you can do that.
I know you want to know what's right but I know it's so hard for you to do that.
And time's running out as often it does and often dictates that you can't do that.
But fate can't break this feeling inside that's burning up through my veins.
I really want you.
I really want you.
I really want you - now.
No matter what I say or do, the message isn't getting through,
And you're listening to the sound of my breaking heart.
I love this song now.



I really want this puppy because I'm feeling very sad nowwwww. :'(

Labels: blah, depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, sad, unrequited

I know there is nothing I can say to turn the tables around. I just know that I treasure every single memory you have given me. Though there were times where I've cried because you didn't love me, I've never been happier in my life. You have touched my heart in a way no one ever could and you were the sun on my rainy days. Who ever thought the retarded boy in class could ever turn out to be my soulmate? I still can't believe it. I have to keep pinching myself to see if it's true. I think we find gems in the most unexpected places.

I'm telling you that I'm going to be okay. I am not angry. I am happy and grateful for everything that's ever happened. I know there might never be those moments again, so I'm going to keep it very close to my heart where no one can take it away. Thank you for those moments. Thank you for everything. You have bewitched me body and soul and I'm happy to be living my days laughing with you.

It takes two hands to clap, they say. If your heart isn't there, there's nothing I can do. You can't force someone to love you. I don't want to live in a web of deceit anymore.

I don't know if I have enough guts in me to let you go. I don't even know how it's possible for me to stop loving you.

I just can't seem to touch your heart.

I'm sorry I'm just not good enough. I'm sorry I didn't do or say enough things to make you love me. I'm sorry for falling in love with you. I'm sorry for everything, soulmate.

Labels: depressing, letting go, listless, loveee, unrequited

I feel cold and alone. Maybe the world is really made up of lies. Maybe no one really cares. Maybe there's no one that actually wants to make you happy. Maybe no one loves you.

And all I can do now is to stare down at my hands and ask, 'what have I done? how did it ever amount to this?'

What if there is really no end to the rainbow? What if we're chasing something that is not even there? What if the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't exist? What if the white rabbit is just an imagination?

How do you stop yourself? How do you stop chasing the rainbow, how do you stop walking through the tunnel? I don't know what is at the end, but I've got to try. I've got to see if there is really a pot of gold, a ray of light, paradise or love. How could you stop halfway then sit where you're at and give up? What if I'm really chasing for something that I know in my heart exists? I've got to try, I've got to see, I've got to feel it, touch it, kiss it.

Of course sometimes what you had hoped to be there turned out to be something else, like a man eating monster, a pool of acid, or a heartbreaker. It'll gobble up your insides and hurt you, but at least now you can smile to yourself and say 'at least I've tried.'

I just don't want to leave everything hanging and never know the end. I don't want to stand here and regret that I've missed out on something beautiful because I'm scared.

No one lives with regrets for things they have done. You just learn from your mistakes, you live with experience, and you can walk through the rest of your life as a bigger person. Regrets only come when you realise that you've left things behind or didn't give somethings a chance.

How could giving things a chance hurt you? It can't. At least now you know.

Labels: dreams, loveee, pondering, sad

It just amazes me how so many things could happen in the course of a day, or how your emotions could fluctuate so violently that it is the complete opposite of what you had felt a few hours before. Oh, the joy of unpredictability.

I hope it gets better in time. I'm going to practise being Don Juan now.

Labels: happy talk, loveee