Is it time for me to stop believing that everything is going to work out, it's going to fall into place, i'm going to be okay, we'll live happily ever after?

I'm just clinging onto this dream.

Don't tell me it's not going to work.


...



Muay Thai was very demanding and I'm really really scared of doing more push ups.

Uploaded a new picture of zakiyyah up on deviantart. full view please. haha.
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Dragonboat-Lady-84241616

Labels: deviantart, dreams, loveee, muay thai, unrequited

She's just someone who's short, fat, ugly.
No one would ever look at her.
Hot boys are unattainable.
No one will ever say, 'Oh she? She's gorgeous, I love her.'
She's going to be cast aside
To make way for other girls
who are hot, pretty, dumb
fucking stupid.
You'll never be anything
Creativity? What is it? It's nothing.
Pictures? So? Useless piece of junk.
At the end of the day
This girl who's ugly and being pushed away
just wants to be
a carbon copy of the whores you see on the podium
while men howl like fucking dogs and kiss her feet
'She's hot, she's gorgeous. she's pretty, i love her eyes.'
You tell this ugly broken girl it's going to be okay
it's not.
she's intelligent, but she'll always be ugly.
no one's going to look at her.
she's filth. filth. filth.
no one's going to love her.
she's looking at the whore on the podium
I want to be you, you, you.

Labels: depressing, dirt

Ten things to do before starting muay thai:

1) Build up stamina and endurance (I don't know how, but I have 2 days.)
2) Get the dashing guy with curly hair from capoeira/chanbara to go out with me. (Put a star to this, VERY VERY IMPORTANT!)
3) Do weights.
4) Shave legs. (It's a forest! with bunnies!)
5) Decrease breast size. (I don't want to have any obstacles while sparring with Zaki.)
6) Do regular sit ups, push ups, and what have you.
7) Get a pedicure.
8) Get the dashing guy with curly hair wearing a green shirt tending to the capoeira/chanbara booth to go out with me (STARRED. VERY VERY IMPORTANT!)
9) Get the dashing guy with extremely curly hair and sharp nose and dark skin wearing a green shirt and a brown pants and nice calves, tending to the capoeira/chanbara booth to go out with me. (VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT!)
10) Get the dashing guy with extremely curly hair and sharp nose and dark skin wearing a green shirt and a pair of brown pants and nice calves, who made eye contact with me and noticed me staring wide eyed and fascinated at him, who was tending to the capoeiro/chanbara booth to go out with me. (EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.)



I feel severely bimbotic today. I need to read the dictionary.

Labels: blah, boys

I suddenly feel like my camera has turned into a useless piece of junk. I have a dslr on my lap and I don't know what to do. I wish I had the guts to like sling the camera over my neck, get lost, and start shooting.

AHHH.

I feel so frustrated.

And, I still haven't sunk into the momentum of school life. I feel exhausted. I wish I didn't have to take business and fucking personal financial planning. I HATE HATE HATE HATE having my time occupied by things which I think is a waste of time. I need to spend like an hour or so drawing up a timetable. MUST MUST MUST!

Okay will go offline now and please please look at my
DEVIANTART gallery and look at my pictures. I will go out soon and shoot somemore.

Labels: depressing, deviantart, photography

Woke up and found myself staring at the ceiling.

Smiling to myself.

Happy.

(:




(btw still circling places in the map.)

Anyway here's the product from today's photoshoot with my sexiest model. You can show it to mr blob. hahahaha.
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Zaki-83941589
Did post processing. You should see the before and after man. I really really like this potrait! All because of zakiyyah's ambiguous smile!


:) happy happy happy.

Labels: deviantart, happy talk

Dear diary,

I feel happy today.

I've never had a totally happy day so this is something.

Ah, I can't ask for anything more. (: (: (: Fridays are officially awesome!




its not what we want but who we are
kelvin loh, 1989-2083


HAHA QUOTE FROM YOU.

Labels: happy talk

I uploaded some pictures into my gallery. Check them out!

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Nettie-83836267

and

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/I-ll-live-there-someday-83819765

thanks for looking.


argh back to my research that is going nowhere.

Labels: deviantart

I want to go swimming like every friday morning. Eh swimming buddies anyone? I love being the water (as long as it isn't 1.8M and deeper!) Like total bliss, floating there, head in the water, hair under the sky, like I could sleep there and drown.

Friday morning, mum barging in the room, asking, 'Don't you have school today?'

I whisper 'fuck.' My dream vanishes. I'm diving into the pillows trying to bring it back. I'm exhausted. I have dreams which are so surreal but I prefer them to life, I don't know why. I fall back into the subconsious.

I'm in a circus. I'm in a train that leads to nowhere. I'm beside a loved one. I turn around and he is gone. I'm looking for treasure. I'm swimming in a lake.

9am. I wake up. Turn on the teevee and start watching mtv. Friday morning. Bliss. The sun outside, peeking through the window panes. I'm on the sofa, hugging my knees, in darkness, light shining on my face. Nothing. Geri Haliwell video is playing. I wish I could take pictures like that.

Friday morning. And I think I'm happy.

Labels: random talk

i feel like a two faced fucking bitch.

Labels: bitching

i

will stop

being

such

a pain

in the

ass to

everyone.

so

I'm going to

fuck off now.

bye.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

get myself busy. busy busy busy. get my mind of things.
escape.
live.
die.

forget about it. escape. read. write. study.

gym. run. swim.

escape.

occupy.

this emptiness.

i'm sorry.

busy. escape. empty.

empty.

escape.

Labels: sickly talk

What if we stay here forever?

What if I'll be the only one who's stuck?

What if I never stop

..

you?

Labels: sad

I have a feeling my life will start to revolve around my final year project and nothing else. Our project is a huge huge thing and we didn't actually realise it until we sat inside the meeting room in NTU with the professors. Ahhh. Technically it's my fault because I suggested this project but I'm zipping my mouth and pointing my finger to the next most outspoken person. In two weeks, we have to come up with a design. Oh my god, it's like we have to design everything from scratch! Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

Okay relax, raf. We can do it. As group leader I can motivate my members and set unrealistic deadlines and push everyone to complete their tasks! I can smell like an A just seeing the scope of this project. Okay stop panicking and start researching!

So I have FYP, personal studying time, muay thai, floorball, religious activities, and I'm broke so I want to tutor primary school kids and force them to speak good english. Ah, so packed. Aiyo.

It can be a good thing because I'm keeping myself busy. So I don't have to concentrate on being miserable and alone. So I don't have to be jealous about some love interest. So I don't have to ponder about achieving my dreams. Yeah, busy busy busy. This is good.

Right?

.

I realised that I am happy with small things. I don't need big gestures from anyone to make me happy. Like spending a mere 1 hour, or an internet msn conversation, perks me up. Going nowhere and living in the moment is not that bad, after all. I just want to be stuck, forever. No need to move forwards or backwards. We're here, we're living the moment.

Virtual hugs make me happy. Real hugs sew my wounds. A simple good morning or goodnight text message makes me smile, a lot. A random phonecall makes my week.

I am happy with small things. My future boyfriend would be the luckiest person lol.

Labels: happy talk, loveee, school

On my way home I was thinking to myself, have I grown up? In my mind I am still a child, who answers to the name of Ana, a child whose cries would ring out through the night, resonating within the walls of my prison. A child who still rattles the bars of her cages crying for someone to unpick the lock. A child who's being forced to put on a dress and perform for her parents.

I feel like I've been kicking and screaming that I just want to be stuck there being young forever but somehow I've been dragged and forced to grow up. Suddenly 12 years later I'm here, begging not to grow any older. Has anything changed? Hardly. I still perform in a play, I still cry for someone to unpick the lock.

Eighteen, eighteen, I can hardly believe it. Everything is happening so fast. The world is revolving, life is being thrown at me, and I'm being forced to take responsibilities, forced to live, forced to fend for myself. It's just so sad because I feel that I have too much in my arms right now and I don't know how to go on from here. It's like highschool and you've just discovered boys. It's like being abandoned in a desolate place and given a map for you to find a way home. It shouldn't be difficult considering I have been living most parts of my life by myself. But being an adult is like, asking a caveman to live in new york! I just want to be young forever. I just want to sit here and not grow old, I wish I could just sit here and roll down a meadow field and swim naked in the sea.

Anyway, I've decided that from this day on, I will live for my own dreams.

That should be the first step to growing up, isn't it?

Labels: growing up, letting go

I love my dslr.
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Kelvin-II-83184809 Check out my handsome friend. lol.


.


I think I'm a very lucky person. My mood shifts are awesome. I'm able to go from happy to sad, sad to happy, happy to estatic, estatic to orgasmic, euphoric to disdain, here and there, here and there. Why do I consider myself lucky? People can make me happy. I'm able to go from depressed to stoked easily (not by myself of course. I need influence of people to do this.) I never linger on one insipid mood all the time. I shift here and there, which can be turbulent and unpredictable, but most of the time I'm either really really sad or very very happy. Right now if you'd ask me I'd say I'm estatic. 2 hours ago I felt like killing myself. So hows that for a seriously erratic depressed female?
I would like to thank this certain happy spirited individual for making my night seriously better. I know I'm very here and there and everywhere, but I'm happy now. Maybe this is just normal behaviour. Or maybe I'm having mini bipolar episodes. Okay I need sleep I'm talking nonsense.

Hehe.

Labels: friends, happy talk

I read an email regarding forgiving and forgetting. Easy said that done, I'd say. No matter how many analogies, convincing proses or poems used to support the fact that 'forgiving and forgetting is so much better than living with hate, resentment and bitterness,' it just fail to make me believe that it is so. Yes, I agree. Forgiving is easier than having to carry that weight of grudge around. But if I forgive, do they even care? Do they even care how much hurt they had inflicted? All I want to do is like, hurt them back, let them feel my pain and make them see that they are sorry.

Okay, I don't really get my point, but my point is, yes, I would forgive, when someone says that it's better. But, there's always the 'but then's. But then, but then, but then. Excuses to live with resentment in my heart. My mentality is that if I forgive people without letting them know how much pain they had caused me, they're going to keep doing and doing and hurt me again and again. And I keep forgiving and forgiving, until I get tired and say, 'fuck it, you're just not worth my forgiveness.' And then just become bitter with hate.

I'm guilty of bearing grudges. I'm guilty of being a pushover too. When people hurt me, I don't strike back. I don't speak out, I let the resentment and hate eat me up until I'm nothing. I'm trying to grow out of that and start speaking up. Oops, not try, I am growing out of it.

Not much though. A friend started being a bitch towards me and we stopped talking for a really long time. She came back one day and said she was sorry blah blah blah. My reply, 'I didn't even remember why we fought. It was a long time ago.'
The truth was I do remember. It had hurt me, and for nights I couldn't sleep. And I still haven't forgiven her eventhough I still talk to her.

Fucked up, isn't it. Apologies are just words if you fail to convince me that it means a whole lot to you. Simple. Show me that you're sorry, than that is another thing. I'm sorry, but being a bitch than a pushover is the key to survival. Fortunately, I'm not a bitch, yet.

It takes a whole lot of guts to forgive someone.

I forgive you for making my graduation fucked up that I went home in tears.

I forgive you for not being there.

I forgive you for asking me to die.

I forgive you for blah blah blah.

...

You CAN forgive, but it's not easy to forget. It's not easy to heal. The hurt will always be there, the wound would always be gaped open. Forgetting people's mistakes has to compliment forgiveness. If you can't forget, then you haven't forgiven. If you can't see your pain diminishing, the scars disappearing, then you didn't actually believe yourself when you said, 'I forgive you.' To remember one's mistakes indicate grudge. When will we be truly forgiving and just blow it off like a dead leaf?

So how do we go around this? Stop making mistakes. Stop hurting others. Stop being self-centred. When there are no mistakes, there's nothing to forgive. How do you start forgiving? I have no answer to that.

One day at a time, start voicing out your unhappiness. If you have something to say, say it. No point really, keeping it all inside. They won't know their own mistakes, until you tell them 'you have hurt me.' They are going to keep doing it over and over again until you speak up. People are flawed after all. They only care about themselves, most of the time.

So why waste your time bearing grudges? Start sewing the wounds, forget, and let go.

God is so forgiving. You keep making mistakes, and yet he still forgives you. (sorry for the digression haha.)


(I'm starting to sound like the catholic hypnosis guy. lol.)

Labels: growing up, letting go, random talk

HAPPY SIOL. I ate macs today and this protestor totally came up to me and went like, 'DON'T EAT MACS ITS SO UNHEALTHY!'

HAHAHAHA no wonder I'm still not thin!

Ironically this same person went back to macs to get a sundae, an apple pie and a double cheesburger after eating his healthy mee. LOL!

I'm really trying to stay away from the internet but I can't! Being devoid of the internet feels like I'm being trapped within my state of emotional daydream. Like I've said so many times, I find it very hard to cope with myself without any distractions. I really need things to keep me away from myself. I need to be busy with something. It's really not healthy for me to be alone.

It suddenly occured to me that I'm going to be in the same year as Christine if we go to uni. HAHA!

Otherwise, tonight I'm just fucking random.

Labels: random talk

It feels like a week has passed. Apparently it's only Tuesday. Don't get me wrong, school is way way better than ITP. It just feels right to be back in school. Tiring, though. And I'm feeling so pressurised by the presence of many girls in the MM area. I'm in year 3, I'm not going to get prettier or hotter, so I guess I should accept the fact that I'll be brushed aside and left to crumble under the weight of all the dust that's been collecting on me.

On dealing with people, I'm still okay with smiling and pretending I'm okay with everything, but I think my dear friend is going to snap and start karate-ing people. I'm still so fucking moody about the hot girls though.

So far, lectures have been quite COOL. I mean, seriously. I'm starting to look forward to cleanroom technology classes! HAHAHA. Kelvin's father is officially my favourite lecturer yo. Second is still PAWA, the sexy drop dead gorgeous sexbomb. Third is mr statistics, who apparently looks like Richard Gere. Hahahha! Oh damn I have female lecturers though, which is quite a bummer. I can be quite MCP in having female lecturers, lol.

I was so uplifted after my fave lecturer number one (talking about this is so weird when you know who's going to end up reading this. hahaha.) talked to me. 'Must do well for cleanroom!' So Mr Teng. So motivatingggg mannn.

Listening to emo music and chewing on vicks sweets is a sure way to pass time. Ugh. I'm just so bored and this week isn't meant for studying. I got a new pair of specs and I look so artsy. And I don't get it. I am an artist, I chew on dirty paint brushes, I scribble on any paper I touch, and I can't dress like an artist. I look so plain. PLAIN ORDINARY. AHHH FUCK. I've got to go and get myself some artsy clothes. And artists shouldn't even bother about what people think right, BECAUSE WE'RE ARTISTS AND THEREFORE COOL (stolen from xtine.) I just want to be out there and like, wrap a pink scarf around my wrists and wear lots and lots of bracelets to school and not care. I'm quirky, so I musn't care. I must parade my quirkiness tehehehee. Okay tommorow I will force Kelvin to join me in the artist's dress up. WE'RE ARTISTS AND THEREFORE COOL. I will make him wear a cashmere sweater and tie a flowly silky pink scarf around his neck.

Okay since I'm miserable right now and bored I might as well dig through my room to find cool stuff to wear.

Labels: art, random talk, school

I am trying, TRYING, TRYINGGGGG to be optimistic that it's just the first day of school blues and soon everyone will warm up to each other, (stop being arrogant, stop being immature, stop being irritating, stop pestering other people if there's more slots in the fyp group, etc etc,) and I wouldn't be shy about opening up.

Sometimes it seems that everything is just my fault. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I can't socialise! ARGH ARGH AND WITH THIS YOU WANT TO BE A JOURNALIST??????!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAA.

HOW WILL YOU WRITE STORIES, HOW WILL YOU BE STRONG, DYNAMIC AND CONFIDENT????? HOW WILL YOU SUCCEED IF YOU CAN'T EVEN OPEN YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH. how how how howwww. I need to go a school where they teach people to be extrovert. HA.

HA. HA. HA.

I need to be happy, maybe.

Labels: annoying, school

sry. I barely had any sleep on Friday night and by saturday I was severely pms-ing.
I'm happy now.

Kelvin, you owe me 4 dollars.

Labels: random talk

I have to say this real bad. I hate looking at pictures of hot people. Just because it makes me feel disgusted about myself and feel more insecure about my 'imperfections'. Yeah, what happened to the 'i'm grateful' post? Sorry, just can't last all the time, okay? So just the fuck leave me alone and let me stay in this shitty place so I could feel bad about myself.

Sure, do you think I don't want to do anything about it? Lose weight, put on make up, be fucking fake so everyone would LOVE me. I'm so fucking sick of being undesirable and OBESE and fucking grotesque. So what I say, "I'm going to go to the gym everyday and I'll start being skinny and I'll be hot". FUCK FUCK FUCK! Everyone laughs. Hot people are people who are born with it.

How the fuck do you think it makes me feel spending 2 years around guys who whistle and swoon over hot girls. They talk to you, this and that, they get so fucking excited over OTHER PEOPLE, sure you like the company, you like the extra business classes spent talking about some hot chick. You like it, it makes you important. But then they're just your friends. Hell in the 2 years, NO ONE WOULD EVER GIVE A SHIT ASS FUCKING MINUTE TO EVEN LOOK AT YOU YOU PIECE OF UGLY SHIT. You're just this girl people make friends with but never actually LIKE. Like the role of my freaking life has drifted to being the sick understanding friend instead of the leading lady.

I've always fucking wished I was the fucking leading lady for a change. I wish I was hot, I wish people would swoon and fall at my feet. FUCK. I wish I wasn't everyone's ugly friend who didnt deserve a shit bit of attention. I FUCKING HATE THIS I FUCKING HATE THIS I FUCKING HATE THIS. THIS WORLD IS SHALLOW, personality can't survive. We're all people consumed in looks and fucking boobs.

Please wait while I cut off my face.

Labels: bitching, shallow shits

During my Cedar graduation we were made to write a letter to our parents.

I wrote:

"I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you."


Never knew if they read it or not.

Labels: random talk

Pardon me I'm half conscious and falling into a state of surreal daydream.

I think all of us should be grateful for what we have. When will we ever stop complaining about how rotten our lives are? Why do we always have to be disatisfied with everything?

I know I haven't been such a happy camper because I grumble a lot about things are going on in my life. Sometimes I just can't help but take a step back and notice the small things I should be grateful for.

I wish I had parents who talk to me, not ignore me as if I'm not there. I wish my friends would hug me and tell me that I'm going to be okay. I'm not okay, I'm recovering and falling, recovering and failing, recovering and falling back into the vicious depths of the unknown. Sometimes I think that I'm suffering on my own. When I sleep at night it's my eyes that water, it's my insides that hurt.

Talking to my girl friend about it was really hard. People read from my journal or my blog and sense a hint of disappointment and uncertainty I have about myself. It's harder to tell someone, face to face, I'm hurt, I'm broken, I'm waiting to be fixed.
But it was a relief that she didn't react badly or judge me. I'm really trying to make myself better. It dawned upon me that no one is ever going to fix me and I can't wait much longer. The longer I wait, I would kill myself eventually.


The trip back home was occupied with thoughts, being half conscious and pondering whether I had done was wrong. Sometimes all I have to do to make myself better was to step back and start being grateful.

I am grateful that I have the most supporting friends in the world. They're always saying, 'you can make it, just don't quit.' I am so grateful that whenever I am down I can just tell someone about it. I am grateful that there are those who care about me. Doesn't matter my parents are not concerned, at least, now, I know people do care.

I am grateful that I am artistically inclined.

I am grateful that I am kind, and compassionate.

I am grateful for the days my father talks to me and takes us out for a drive. I am grateful ten years ago I was a child in a car, looking up at the rows of trees in awe, as the tunes of beatles resounded from the radio. I am grateful there were days in my life I was innocent and free.

I am grateful for the smses.

I am grateful that I have the chance to take up a new sport. Though I really suck at floorball, I'm grateful that I still get rushes of adrenaline.

I am grateful that I gave up item 18. (You know what, kelvin. haha)

I am grateful that my blog gets a lot of traffic.

I am always grateful for the days I am genuinely happy.

I am grateful for my hot personality (lol.)

I am grateful...

for being in places with no light. I'm grateful that I've climbed out of there alive and say, "I'm going to be fixed, one day."

That's it for today. Half conscious and I'm going to collapse.

Labels: happy talk

Maybe.

Just, maybe.



On other things, I fell sick at work today. My temperature is 39 degrees. Does anyone care? No.
No one at home cares, they pretend I'm not there. I'm covered up in a thick blanket to protect myself from the cold. Does anyone care I'm freezing in my soul?
Best of all was my sister, 'Go to your own room, why are you here? You're sick, go back and sit in your own room!'

Shit, all I asked was someone to talk to. I'm sick, I'm needy, can't you see? I want all of you to care about me. Maybe I'll die from this disease, maybe I'll survive, maybe I will leave.
This place forever, where everyone will care.
People will enquire when I'm not there.
'Take your medicine, my lovely child'
But hell, not a word, not even an eye
My life is blocked by a concrete wall
Am I too ugly, for you to care at all?
Am I not Ana, a vision, a prodigy
And if I die, will you care about me?
Does it matter if I were pinned to the ground
Losing to a malady, screaming, but there's no sound
Do I have to crawl, grab the heels of your feet
I'm sick, I'm needy, a rotting piece of meat
Please care about me, or do I have to die
Maybe then you will cry, 'I should have cared! Oh shouldn't I!'


ooops got carried away and wrote a shitty poem.
bleh blah blue, my heart hurts now, literally, if anyone cares.

Labels: blah, sad, sickly talk

Enough now.
Enough.

This is going to cause me further pain and heartbreaks. I want to be fucking happy. I don't want to always fall in love alone. I don't want to always feel like I have things to hide. I don't want to always be angry at people.

I want to be fucking happy. I am going to be so fucking happy without the need for other people. Fucking happy, shiny and brand new.

Time to let go.

Enough now. I don't love you anymore.

Labels: loveee, sad

body aching. back muscles killing. ah, screaming in pain. damn it. I am so unfit.

anyway, i just discussed my fitness plan and study plan with zaki. hahahahah. i'm in for shitttttt. and she got me a pair of sunglasses! haha yay thankssssss! its so pretty kay. i'm going to camwhore now, bye.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

one voice says, 'you're no one, you're useless, you're never going to be good enough. you're no one. no one is going to love you, or fuck you.'

Labels: depressing

Why are my parents so poor? I want to be money minded. I want to play dirty to get money. I'm prepared to screw over so many people to get gpa 3.99999999999 so that I can get into like an awesome university and get a good job and be rich. be rich. I WANT TO BE RICH.

So i don't have to get worried about being broke.

why are my parents so pooooooooor.

that aside. I went for armadas training today. my first time playing floorball in like TWO MONTHS OMGZZXX. My heart was like so ready to burst out of my chest. EXHAUSTED.

I'm thinking about taking up muay thai or brazilian ju jiutsu. Haha, like everything isn't enough. Of course it isn't. I want a way to vent anger. I have too much emotions inside of me. I want it out. out out out.

Labels: dreams, floorball, money, shallow shits

It's awesome having like a really sporting friend who's so into everything.
Went to the NJ play. Ugh malay play. What a waste of timeeeeee. I actually thought the synopsis was pretty good in misleading people. Relied heavily on subtitles and Kelvin pretty much had trouble understanding it. Haha, you poor thing.

My stomach almost exploded eating at newton. we had like a dicussion over religion which was pretty lovely. people usually shut out their religion from other people thinking that it would be 'sensitive' to talk about it. I like hot discussions. makes us smart people, anyway.

And then I got mad at my mum, again. she screamed at me over the phone. wth.

1 WEEK. 1 FREAKING WEEK LEFT.

Labels: friends, i'm sorry i can't be fucked

sometimes the truth is the only thing that can set you free.

even if it hurts or burns.

sometimes you don't like what you hear. sometimes you think with the truth you could change someone. the truth can't, anyway.

so i'll be here sitting with you
until you decide to leave me.

Labels: dirt, friends, sad

Sometimes all I ask for is a little parental love. To just appreciate the fact that I tried so hard to please the both of you. That I didn't just sit down and wait for you to pick up the pieces. I've shed a lot of blood for you. Taken a lot of blows, bruises, marks- some that have gone too deep and feasted upon my soul. Sometimes it's easier to say, 'I hate you,' and really mean it. Because I can't love you. I don't know how. It's the same as you not knowing what love is, what joy it brings to have a child that tries so hard to make you happy. It's the same as every word you utter, so full of pride and hate. How I can imagine you sneer, 'You're not good enough.'

I could just plead, sit in the rain and ask you,
'Why won't you love me?'

I wish I was human in your eyes. I am not some trophy to bring you fame and glory. I'm not some tool you use to cover your imperfections. I am kind. I am noble. I am a good friend.

I am not just Ana. I am not one of your daughters. I am not one of your children you don't even know the age of. I am not someone you could brainwash to live your dreams for you.

Is it so hard? It is easier to screw up my life like that, was it easier to stomp all over my self-esteem and self-worth as if it meant nothing to you? I have blamed myself for everything, ask myself why, how did it amount to this. Was it you? The words, the shoe thrown at me, the abuse. Was it you?

'Why won't you love me?'

Labels: depressing, listless, mental disorders

I have no idea what to do today by the way.

This usually happens when your life has started to become like a repetition of mundane chores like pasting cut out names on six thousand postcards, typing aircon brands, and photocopying paper that you wish you could wipe your ass on after which you would give to your boss. Oh I haven't told you. I'm have an MC for two freaking days! Yay! Downside is I have six medications of take three times a day, so I'd probably be sleeping because there's a lot of drowsiness going on in there. Also my MC expires tommorow and yesterday I pretty much spent the whole day sleeping, doing things halfway and watching mtv.

So basically I'll list the things I feel like doing today. I need to pick one, well because I need to take my meds and go back to sleep and I'd like to think my day has been productive.

1) Paint.
This could pose a problem. I have an idea, a message. But, my skills might not be able to convey the idea.

2) Go ikea.
Go ikea and get some storage solutions. My craft stuff is overflowing and has invaded my bedroom which makes it hard for me to live probably. My room has turned into a hostile warmongering fiesty man turn off, of some sort. I need this $29 drawer thingy so that my room would be more organised and it would be easier to sweep the floor. But wth, who goes to ikea aloneeee?

3) Clean my room.
To do this I need to do #2. Is it safe to throw away all my old notes if I don't plan on doing engineering in the future?

4) Go online and wait for people to talk to me.
Oh wait I'm doing that now.

5) Sew a bag for new semester.
Good idea, will do that but it shouldn't take the wholeee day.

6) Read the Sony Alpha100 manual.
Sigh. Boring. No longer excited. Boo.

7) Watch movies and knit scarves.

8) Read and fall asleep.
I am sick of sleeping. Such a waste of time.

I reaallly want to do #1 and #3. Who wants to go ikea with me? Anyone?

Bugger I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Uploaded a new piece of art: HULLABALLOON. Sorry for the image quality. Damn you IXUS 70, you have failed me! It's cool I guess. 9 views and already 2 favourites. Hehe, my least favourite painting.

Labels: annoying, art, blah, deviantart, random talk