My viewership has decreased tremendously. Perhaps it's the ghastly blog skin or my reluctance to update regularly. Since I've been boy-crazy lately, what's new.
Sigh what a boring life I lead.

I would like to say THANK GOD EXAMS ARE OVER but I'm really scratching out my skin staying at home all week. It has been really boring. I have absolutely nothing to do. I'm going insane!

Sigh I'm kinda bumming around waiting for cutie boy to get tired of playing dota. Lol it's every right of an insane controlling creepy gf to start chewing on the computer wires and smash my head into his computer.

This new dota obssession thing would mean that I'll be left unentertained unless some big crisis comes up, like I'm getting fat or something. I bet if I was taken hostage at gun point he'll go 'I'm sorry dear, let me play dota for one more hour.'

Boys...let them play, they say. Boys will be boys yadayadaydada. Can't they be manly like cut wood or something? After they're done with dota, they go straight to porn. WHATTHEFUCK! Hey that's not fair! What kind of sex can you get from the computer screen?!!!

See, this is where I Bale Out. FFFFFFFFKNNCB!!!

If there was anything I could destroy it would the gaming and porn industry. And maybe just men, in general. Just thinking about men makes my blood boil. I am so aggravated.

You know, I care and I always put other's needs before mine and I've been really nice and stuff, I dont say what's on my mind because I dont want to piss you off, and most of the time I keep my bloody mouth shut to make people happy. And when THIS happens and suddenly you start taking me for granted it makes me want to kill myself just to spite you. If only I was interested enough to play dota so that I could get hooked onto it for months and not care about anyone else so that when you come to me begging for attention i'll be able to say 'I'm sorry dear, I'm playing and I'll get back to you when I get sick and tired of this.'

Laugh all you want, boys.

Labels: bitching, boys, stupid obsessions

Being the usual insecure, really fat, really ugly (now i must emphasise that if I wasn't fat, I wouldnt be ugly, because I was hot when I was thin a couple of years ago) self, my seeming uncontrollable jealousy makes me unproductive. Unproductive meaning moping about, browsing through many pictures of deceased she-male ex-es, then feel shitty about self that you completely forget about the homework and stupid meaningless report you have to do that night. It's worse when the object of affection seems caught up by pictures of the object of my envy. Because I feel more and more desolate and uncherished, until I'm left to rot in the cabbage patch and turn into food for the crows.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'm not that all lovable.
But when you poke on my fats I feel all happy again. I need a fat poker. Poke me poke me poke me!

Today I watched Body Of Lies with kelvin. It was beyond scary that I used my scarf to cover my face for most of the scenes. I think it breeds islamophobia, somehow. Watching that wasnt so comfortable with imbeciles sitting in front repeating phrases 'insyallah' as a joke then laughing at it. Seriously, that's not funny you moron. It also shows how ignorant america is towards human lives, using innocent people as bait. Shows how cruel jihadists are, and all the politics. But as kelvin said, the movie was shining the spotlight on america about how they cannot be trusted, how they use people for their own advantage and all that. It wasn't a complete waste, but I do not like the movie.

Fyp is such an idiot.

Labels: movie, sad, stupid obsessions

I am feeling very bored so I am going to do the usual narration of my pathetic excuse for a life.

I woke up, with a diarhhea for the first time in my life. I was supposed to meet loh at 9am but then I was defecating in the toilet until 10am, hence we missed macdonalds breakfast and headed to british council. After British Council and Tanglin Mall I got very moody so we walked into Botanical Gardens and used my sony alpha to take pictures (which didn't quite work out.) Oh god, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself again because the diarhhea just didn't feel like it was going to leave me. So I was exhausted, dehydrated and hungry, and loh was pretty much tired from luging around half of the class' thermodynamics notes, school notes which he forgot to take out, a thick advanced grammar book, 2004 and 2005 cedar yearbooks, and a couple of IELTS booklets. The exit seemed to be nowhere. So we cut through some bushes, passed a construction place, and freedom! To our disappointment we still had to walk a long way to the busstop, and yes, again my bowels acted up so we had to go to a mall for me to do my business. Oh gross.

We took 961 to Al Ameen and finally I had some food and water. The tom yum beehoon was made to perfection; it has been forever since I tasted good tom yum and finished everything, except for the vegetables of course. Loh ate the usual fried maggi and he said nice things to me which made me very happy lol. So point is, we've decided to study overseas when we graduate! Well that is if any local uni is not going to accept us or going to SIM seem like a big fat no no.

Anyway I'm going to look for places with great tom yum and halal food. They seem to be so sparse around Singapore and we keep going back to the same old place and keep making that same hole into our pockets. Times when I drool watching loh eating laksa at holland v, I wish I could just forget rules for once and sink my teeth in that delicious looking taupok. Likewise when we're in Ikea and loh waves that pork and beef meatball in front of me while seducing me with, 'forget rules for once and taste this, it's sooooooo goooooood.' LOL. Too bad. I've turned into a food addict. I've got this horrible confession but I love char siew chicken, lol. I have no idea if it tastes the same as pork but oh god it's delicious. If it helps, I have absolutely no money for the rest of this month because I've spent it all on fooooood. I'm loh's mamasan. tsk tsk.

And I have no idea what is the point of this post. I finally got my birthday present from someone. Hehe.

Labels: food, loveee, stupid obsessions

I remember when I was a lot younger, I had such an obssession with tragedy and despair. I loved doing compositions, and I would write about horror and random things that would come about in the story, sometimes I would write about a man that ends up dying in the end, or a character that kills herself in the end. My stories usually doesn't have an ending. I loved cliff hangers. A man would be trapped in a place which he cannot escape as the monsters drew towards him, or a girl who has a shitty mother ended up just as she was.

I also recall how my teacher humiliated me in front of the class. She had poured a bucket of water on my burning fire. She said I was rubbish, and that my randomness made everything so ghastly. This horrible teacher trampled all over my self-esteem. She had no respect for me, obviously she preferred my friends over me. To her, I assumed, I was just this common girl who got lucky and ended up in the best class. I looked at her with spite, and I still hate her. She was like an exact replica of my parents.

Of course if I took her seriously, I wouldn't still be writing now. I would have succumbed to bad typing and speaking bad english. I like being a free man. That is why I like to write.

I guess you could say that I'm some kind of an 'artist', which I am not. I look at myself as an art enthusiast, and all I concentrate on is drawing people and faces. What I do is not creative. The truth is, art to me is just 'pretty'. I love art. I love colours. I also love control. My kind of 'art' is controlled. To draw a face is just to draw. As you do more, you get better in getting the right tones and controlled shading. How do you convey an expression? Through the subject's eyes. And I cannot do that. Somehow to me, everything ends up looking 'sad' or mysterious. I cannot convey happiness and love. It's just not something I do. My art is not creative. My art is control, concentration, dedication, black and white.

Writing is different. Writing lets me explore the depths of my soul. It's so cheesy, but it's not like I care. I dream of living by the sea, or in a forest, with moss or sand beneath my feet, and I would be a free man. I dream of answering to no one, and write as much and as passionately as I could possibly imagine. There were instances in my life, where I wanted to write something of great length, that it could be called a 'book'; but suddenly self-doubt came and engulfed me with questions about myself. 'Am I up for it? Do I have what it takes? Am I good enough?' That had put a stop to my dream completely.

I am shit at argumentative essays. I am always subjective, and I write with such ego that it's impossible for me to be wrong. I am not objective, which contributes to the reason why I have such a pessimistic nature. Which is also why I always turn to narrative writing. It allows me to be pessimistic and depressed; it allows me to discover what I can do; it allows me to be creative. Writing can be colourful and energetic - it needs no control of strokes or concentration.

I wish to be a free man.


But what a dream! What rubbish is emanating from my mouth! Oh, how could a fool speak of such insanity.

Labels: drawing, dreams, stupid obsessions, writing

I am happy. Do you know why? I am happy because I am in love. Do you know with who? With my new awesome BRAS. I am so happy. I have new bras now. Haha, love love bra. I love bra. I love my new bras. I always wear sport bras and the quantity of real womanly lacy bras are sparse. But I had a spree yesterday and I bought BRAS. And you know what's best? THEY ARE LACY AND PRETTY AND WOMANLY AND THEY MAKE ME HAPPY.
And do you know what else? I MOVED FROM A DOUBLE 'A' TO A 'B'! I am a B!!!! I am so happy. I can skip and die now. Falalalalalalala! I am a B! Finally.

I grew! I grew! I don't care about being 155cm. I grew! I have bigger boobs now!

I think I will buy some more. Haha I am the best.

I love PHYSICS and BRAS. My life revolves around cups and barometers. I am a happy happy girl.

Labels: happy talk, smitten, stupid obsessions

I hate it when people use their BARE HANDS TO CONTAMINATE MY FUCKING FOOD. I hate gluttony. I think people who are gluttonous should die. I hate it when people say they want to save money, so they get the cheapest KFC meal and then eat my cheesy fries without asking. I hate it when people eat my fries and touch my cheese. IT'S FUCKING DIRTY I TELL YOU! IT'S LIKE MAD PORN!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. I HATE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY FOOD. It's disgusting and vile, and makes you look like a fucking asshole. Hey, I paid 2.15 for that! I don't get 300 bucks a month! I don't come from a rich family, I am not the only child.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EAT MY FRIES?!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not fair I tell you! I don't like to share with people who poo in school. Because they touch their buttocks and poo smells disgusting. And they don't wash their hands clean enough and they touch my fries, and then I would have to eat their poo. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I'm just so fucking pissed off man. I'm so fucking pissed off. That actually ruined my fucking mood for the fucking entire month. And all this because this shameless girl eats my fries without permission. And she ate, and she ate, and she ate! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. TAK TAU MALU, BUDAK GILA MAKAN PORK AKU TAK TAHAN DIA TAK TAU MALU I THINK I FEEL LIKE CEKIK-ING DIER. DIE! DIE! DIE!

And it's like FUUCCCKKK, COME ON, AT LEAST TAKE ONE. DON'T TAKE THE WHOLE THING. DISGUSTING MAN. AND SHE LIKE TAKE THE FRIES AND RUB IT ALL OVER THE CHEESE AND SHE TOOK MY MAYO AND IT WAS DISGUSTING. IT'S SO INFURIATING TO EVEN TALK ABOUT IT. WAHLAO KURANG ASAM. AND SHE GOES, 'I LOVE FRIES!' PFFTTTTTTTTTTT.

BUY A DAMN FUCKING FRIES MAN. IF SHE ASKED, I WOULD'VE BEEN OKAY. BUT SHE LIKE DIDN'T, AND SHE PRACTICALLY ATE THE WHOLE THING, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED MY FRIES. DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.
DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.
DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.
DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.
DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.
DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.DISGUSTING.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

My god, i need to fucking chill. i'm going to steal her fries when she buys them. fucking asshole. dah lah gemuk macam nak mampos.

Labels: annoying, cruel, depressing, dirt, fat, sickly talk, stupid obsessions

I wrote down a pretty random thing. I wrote a song. I don't write songs, but today I guess I did. It's just random words filling in. I love how I'm always selfish in my writing, and how stupid things can be. It's funny, I kind of like it.


'King of Thermodynamics'

I really like your height
Your stupid hands
I like your shirt
I hate your study plans

The rest of the 'song' lies here.

Labels: song, stupid obsessions

Reasons why I am a happy shit.

1) I have bought the Phantom of The Opera DVD, watched it again last night, and am completely obsessed with Phantom & Gerard Butler. I watched the special features and I feel that my life has been fulfilled. (Gerry is amazing and sensational and hot and I love his teeth.)

2) I bought Shantaram.

3) I am going to wrap Shantaram.

4) I am going to finish a portrait of my sister today.

5) Someone new has added me on their watchlist.

6) Gerry Butler is a scots man, and I love Scottish men.

7) I think I am going to make a list of hot men.
(Johnny Depp, Barry Pepper, Christian Bale, Gerard Butler, David Wenham, Joseph Sitora, and etc.)

8) I think I will try to drill a hole in my bedroom wall so I can hang up my LOTR framed poster.

9) I have memorised most of the script of LoTR, mostly in TTT and ROTK. But the point is, I am going to watch PoTO a million more times and memorise the script. Haha okay, I am a freak.

10) I love Gerry's teeth, Barry's nose, Johnny's jaws, Wenham's nose, Bale's lips.

Now the bad news.

1) Cousins are here, so I can't sing for 2 weeks, no privacy, stupid noisy kids, smelly toilet, stupid boys.

2) I am fat. Haha, oh wait, I don't think I've said that before.

3) I love Gerry and far away men. Which means, I don't like nearby boys. Which means I don't care about how I look. Which means, acne is taking over my life.

I could go on and write a book about my plight. So I guess I will stop now.

Labels: barry pepper, gerard butler, phantom of the opera, stupid obsessions