I was so excited for the first day of school because it dawned upon me that I have 7 weeks left before, well before school ends for me, *whispers* forever. In spite of shitty things that happened, which I choose not to elaborate and complain about (because life is amazing, it doesn't have to be shitty and depressing and I don't want more shittiness and go back to feeling shitty again, so I will spend the few hours that I have left before Monday ends, to be creepy and positive,) I almost exploded from the cuteness of monday.

(wow, that was a very long sentence, sry.)

We went to holland V to see puppies! Omg there was a samoyed, a welsh corgi and my absolute favourite, the english cocker spaniel ;) She was so shy and so cuteeeee. Just 2 months old, and her coat is beautiful. She had big puppy eyes and she was gazing at us really really cutely. She was trying to bite her toy but her mouth was too small. I could've just died there from all the cuteness! iloveheriloveheriloveher i want to bring her homeeee.

Well I'm supposed to study my cursed thermodynamics notes which refuses to write in itself. And my pme project which has taken a toll on me.

I'm going to make it a point to jog 5 times a week as a new year's resolution. And oh, eat healthily. Drink milk of course, to build up my bones (they are really really fragile.) Also, drink 2 litres of water a day. And save money! Once I get everything sorted out, i'll formulate a 2009 new year's resolution. I also think I will start learning how to make soap.

I dont know what I'm gibbering about, but but but, I will not let anything dampen my creepy positive happy cheery spirits tonight. A toast to having a really bad phelgm!


luvluvluvluv.

Labels: animals, positive thinking, puppy, resolutions

I love today. I spent more than 5 hours with the person I wanted to see for Christmas. He got me lots of stuff from Japan and I'm so happy that he is back hehe. It's just so amazing how 5 hours feel like 30 minutes.



Look how happy he is with the present I gave him.

Merry Christmas.

Labels: happy talk, loveee, miss you

I'm having a splitting headache and I'm still managing a post. I should get a medal for this.

I watched Oprah this morning and it struck a chord. I am afraid to be happy because I'm afraid of downfall, that maybe one day my happiness would end.

I am a destination addict. It's been true with weight loss, everything that I want in life. Because I'm so afraid to be happy, I settle for 'good but not enough, and then complain.' No wonder Kelvin said I complain so much. No wonder nothing is ever good enough. No wonder I find myself inadequate. Maybe a few years ago I wished I had someone really special, and after that when I was on the verge of hardcore emotional death, I said it's alright because if you are happy then I will be happy. But then we got a step higher and I am not happy. Seeing you happy doesn't make me happy because I'm not happy. The things people do for me doesn't make me happy because it was never enough. I refused to be happy because I'm afraid that the day I put on a genuine smile I would lose everything.

I always feel like I do so much for other people but they did anything for me. I feel like the only one who's running around, pleasing everybody. Did I feel happy? To a certain extent but I feel so uncared for. But what I didn't see was that I am significant to someone's life and that should be the thing I should be happy about. So what the hell am I complaining about?

List 10 things that you are happy about.

1) I am a bloody good writer. My articles are top 2 and 3, and the lousy ones are at the top 15% at least
2) I take very good pictures.
3) If you're smart enough, I'm the least boring person you'll ever meet.
4) I am significant.
5) I am happy that I have a complete family that never had to face a bitter divorce. Plus my parents are really rich because they crap out loads and loads of money and I get cool gadgets from them every year for my birthday.
6) I can draw PEOPLE!
7) I'm not hopeless. I dont stare at someone's picture 24/7 when I'm in love with them while drooling all over the keyboard.
8) I am actually pretty smart.
9) I am kind and caring. (That's why I get to sleep with lots and lots of people every week.)
10) I have the bestest person to share my life with.

There's no need to pursue happiness. Because it gets further and further away. We'll never be happy. I've been waiting my whole life to be happy. Inside ourselves there actually resides a happy place. This is the place where when everything else in life fails, we can always run back to. And this is something no one can take away from us. When you're happy, you'll attract happy things in life. No wonder some people are never happy. They can't find the happiness within.

So I need to meditate and do some weird self-help stuff because I'm ready to admit that I am actually, happy.

It's the seventh day and I'm actually chipper! I can't wait to see/speak to cheesing again.

all I want for christmas is youuuuuuu

Labels: happy talk, pondering, positive thinking

I finally moved my humungous butt to get cheesing's christmas present today. Oh it is so cute, I spent time grooming it and now it looks so cuddly...I even got a tag for it. Now I want to keep it! I got Net's present ages ago, and all the christmas cards have been sent out. I didn't manage to get everyone's address because they're cheesing's friends and they refuse to be online, so I have got 8 cards left. I have no idea who to give them to. Half of my 'friends' hate me and the other half don't do christmassy stuff, so most of them get sent overseas. Meh, boring. But yay we do presents this year and dinner!

My bones are aching really bad. I forced myself to eat a little dinner today because the pain on my chest was too much. I don't know what's wrong.

=(

I hope I'll still be alive for cheesing to see me when he comes back.

Labels: miss you, sickly talk

The weather today is lovely. It's such a waste to be at home. I was imagining being in the double decker bus and moving under rows and rows of trees with tiny yellow flowers... 2 days to christmas!!! woot time pasts awfully fast doesn't it. You know if I were 20 dollars richer I probably wouldn't be home right now. But oh well I have 12 dvds to watch a projects to do, plus my ribs are sticking out really ugly-ly, I just hope I don't lose any of my boobs. I'm supposed to be out looking for cheesing's christmas present today but I feel so lazy...and I have no idea what I'm droning on about... i'm pretty restless, i dont feel like eating. I didnt eat any meals yesterday and ate like a few pieces of bread on saturday, my appetite is gone and food is just revolting to me. I'm thinking of all types of food and I'm pretty much going to throw up thinking about them. The smell of fish and eggs are horrible to me and ugh everything is horrible. I just find that since wednesday I'm just eating for the sake of surviving so I just eat and it tastes like ugh. Anyway I feel like a really obese cow because this period is making me all bloated and disgusting. I'm so ashamed to let anyone see me. Maybe I should just stay at home and come out of the house next year.

Time to start planning for 2009's new year's resolution. And I need a new diary.

Labels: listless, sickly talk

I havent been eating well. The smell of food makes me want to puke. Yet I'm not hungry. I just feel very sick and tired.


CALM DOWN ANA, CALM DOWN.

Labels: mental disorders, miss you

I woke up this morning, shoot, I forgot all about 18th december.

A year ago I went to school to do my CAD homework during the holidays because I couldn't do the trajectory thing. Then my classmate, Kelvin, who recently started talking to me offered to help me with my hairdryer and he was pretty brilliant, doing his whole CAD magic, like a tech savvy fairy. It was pretty late after we were done and we went out for dinner, at siam kitchen, where i ordered this dish I'm still very fond of now, and kelvin ordered a green curry. I got the lemon grass tea because I didnt know what lemon grass was and regretted not knowing because it sucked. The green curry made kelvin sick and he swore off siam kitchen for the rest of his dining life. After that we took the lrt to bukitpanjangplaza, where he showed me the cool lrt windows. Then we had our first starbucks. He got me a large caramel mocchiato and he had some tea. A year later, I still have the dinner receipt pinned onto my board, and the most interesting conversation I've ever had with anyone in my entire life replaying in my head. Little did I know, that night was the beginning of a very special friendship, a deep connection and closeness anyone could ever feel with another human being, and a whole load of emotions and suprises that came along with it.

And I pretty much sound crazy here, but here is my tribute, to my companion.

I still feel very sleepy. And I'm so poor. I regret spending 20 bucks on scrap book items yesterday.

Labels: bored, friends, loveee, miss you, pondering

I feel like my brain is about to implode.

I am so goddamn tired I think I can sleep for a month and not wake up.
Goodnight.




This boy is probably sitting in his plane to Japan right now, ready for take off. I was happy for him but I'm getting a little depressed now. I have to get used to not having him to talk to everyday and not hearing the puppy noises. My msn and my phone are going to be empty. We thought it'd be our first christmas but... he'll be back on christmas. In the meantime I've booked Nettie on the eve. It's going to be fun writing christmas cards for his friends and my friends. If i had more money I probably would go out everyday so that 7 days will fly past really fast. It's not helping that I have an appointment with orthopedics to get to, projects and studying for tests.

I'm going to miss you pumpkin. I'm getting you a dog this christmas.

(:



(Btw, caught the flu again, am falling sick, have no been eating well and puking alot, I swear I'm a lot thinner now, can't sit painlessly with the spine, I think i'm having a slip disc... sleep is okay, but moving is a bitch. It hurts so bad. And I miss floorball. I want to go training =[ )

Labels: depressing, loveee, miss you

One more post before my life decays. My back is bad. I think there's something seriously wrong with it. It's been a week. I'm going to the doctor tmr, promise. I had diarrhea and vomitting today.

kthxbye.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

Am I ever going to have a normal life? Never. From being depressed and morbid then suicidal, to happy cheery and optimistic. It’s never going to end is it? I’m back to square one.

There is nothing I would live for.

Pardon the moroseness of this whole post, there isn’t going to be more happy-being-in-love posts, no gratefulness for the pace of the universe, no pictures. So swiftly the things that made us smile to the blank wall, when we wake up in the morning is taken away from us. The momentary pleasure, the orgasm of life, the quick death. What happened to being content with the way everything is, unmoving, things that are just there when you need it?

Who are they to judge us? Who are they to call us selfish? If you knew what it is like to live on the verge of extinction, waking up feeling like everyday is an obstacle, feeling like you’re the most insignificant little fuck there is to anyone’s life… are we so selfish? It is our right to die. Would you cry? No one would. We’re the forgotten, abandoned by god, crawling in a tunnel with no end. The euphoria of life only lasts a while. After the feeling is gone, the pain perpetuates how foolish you were, thinking there is actually light at the end, a lighthouse in the vast sea. When actually hope is bleak, because nothing is ever going to change.

Though after saying all this, an inch deep inside of me wants to survive. Just to see if things could change, if one day I could be genuinely happy. But the shit endures. The long lasting shit that smears all over your face till you can’t see or smell anything other than the feces. One day you’ll just snap and pull the fucking trigger. How tiring it is to wake up all hollowed, your eyeballs sinking into the prevailing tears residing in the socket.

I would give anything to live like a normal person. I wish I didn’t stare at weird spaces thinking of stories I would write when I get home. I wish I didn’t have such a low pain threshold. I wish my soul wasn’t beyond repair.

Me? I’m not smart, I don’t make witty comments, I can’t write as well as you and I’m a bad artist. Sometimes I’m just saying this so that people would say, ‘Oh no, you’re great.’ But sometimes I just curl up in bed crying because I know I am inadequate.

I am inadequate.

I’m simply not good enough that is why everyone leaves at the end.

Love dies, beauty fades, friends leave. And you will always be alone.

Labels: cruel, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, writing

If you dont know what to write about, attempt suicide. Failure means you have something to write, success means all your problems are over.


I have injured my back and I can't sit even for a minute and i have to keep my back really straight. I am bedridden! Plus I am pissed off that no one seems to care and I dont seem to get why I care so much. I like my efforts and the fact that I care go unwasted and responded. This is unfair. I think I wasted my time.

I think I wasted almost a year.

Fuck.

Labels: blah, cruel, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, love bashing, nothing makes sense anymore, pain

I am infuriated.

I am angry because there is nobody like me. I am angry that you don’t get ticked off my religious people. I am angry that you’re nice to your mother who made your childhood a living hell. I am angry that you maintain a good relationship with your parents. I am angry that you don’t care about people as much as I care for them. I am angry that you are not angry at people who obviously despise you. I am angry that you are forgiving. I am angry that you have a social life. I am angry that you can let go of your past. I am angry that you have esteem. I am angry that you don’t do the things I wish you would do. I am angry because you’re not a robot. I am angry that you don’t bother making me cookies to make me happy. I am angry that you’ll never do these nice things that I do to you. I am angry that you don’t seem to care. I am angry that you are not clingy. I am angry that you are not perfect. I am angry because I’m not in control. I am angry because I have nothing else in life. I am angry that you’re peaceful. I am angry that you can say ‘fuck you’ to me and I can’t say it back. I’m angry that I can say ‘I love you’ to you and you can’t say it back. I’m angry because no one is as angry as me.

I am angry because I am hateful. I am angry because I cling like a wet shirt on your body. I am angry because I am insecure. I am angry because I am me.

Labels: blah, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked

I find babbling incessantly about *giggles* very gratifying. I am ashamed of myself for being such a girl, but ahhh I'm so happy. 'Love is a mutual self-giving that ends in self-recovery.' I suppose I am a bit hateful inside, but it's slowly ceasing because kelvin loh is the greatest, kindest person I've ever known, and he makes me grow, teaches me to be a better person, patient (with a few screams and hateful tears now and then) with me. I was screwed up. I was broken and suicidal. You have no idea how much better I am now. Adam would be so proud of me.

Look out for a man with the water sign, he will make you happy. Look out for a dark-haired sagittarius, and a fair-haired fire sign, and they will make you feel good once again. There is happiness in your future.

I've found the man with the water sign. I know the fair-haired lady. Who shall be the dark-haired sagittarius? Let's see if this holds true. I am truly happy with pisces man :)

I love going to ikea and yesterday I ate the fish and chips and it was the best fish and chips I've ever had. We usually go there for the Daim cake, which is gorgeous and yummy, and also the free flow of coke lol. I'm sending christmas cards to people, so drop me with your address if you want one (:

It's the second day since my sister flew to new delhi. The other side of the house is empty- I'm all alone. Kelvin might not be here for christmas, I'm starting to hear the crickets already.






EDIT:

FUCK BOYS AND THEIR STUPID VIDEO GAMES! Death to crisis core/fallout/red alert/warcraft/and what have you. This is so annoying! annoying! annoying!!!! fuck, i;m having a bitchfit and i have no one to talk to! ass!

Labels: friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, loveee, pondering, smitten