So, I've decided that I'm going to write and write incoherently on this blog as long as it makes me happy. Uh huh I'm like vomiting out words. The problem is I'm a very lonely person and I need to constantly talk to someone and ramble and wail and kick and throw tantrums and I'm sorry to say that my sister has to bear the brunt of it because PEOPLE DON'T CARE. Therefore thanks a lot Tiara, talking to you sure has made me feel better. I love you loads. You totally get me and I'm really really grateful.

I've decided to be a good girl and JOG tomorrow. My right knee isn't doing well and my dad has decided to donate his kneeguards to me.

Ah fuck. fffffffuckkkkkkk!

List of things to do:

1) Lose 15kg
2) Get my capoeira guy
3) Save money
4) Stop feeling
5) stop feeling, stop being silly, stop being human, stop feeling
6) Make this shit go away.
7) Get my fucking life back
8) Study everyday
9) EH photography stuff.
10) Write godfuckingdamnit

I'm just in a horrible place right now. You can just see that my room is in a state of despair. I don't care about anything, I just throw things around in my room, just mess everything up. I can't even begin to feel good about myself. Forget the events that has happened in the last few days, my own fucking life is calling for help. oh god i am depressed. I've been depressed since sec 2 so can you imagine. Can you fucking imagine what this is doing to my life. AHH I can feel the extent of this pain. I CAN FEEL IT oh goddamnit. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK.

This happens when you're trying to recover and stop doing what you did to numb that pain and then you start feeling everything and it's really hard to get through the day. Yes, it's true, talking to people HELPS. I can't fathom what I'm feeling so how could I even tell you.

I can't do this on my own. I'm going to kill myself trying.

I need to jump in the sea or something. I need a hug. I need to fucking stop this shit. I hate feeling like shit all the time. Why does it fucking seem like everything ends up like its my fault and why does it seem like i'm always bearing the brunt of the pain why why! I feel like I'm at the bottom of the foodchain. Oh no, I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom. Like garbage, a pile of crap, then I'm underneath in all.

I need to do something. But I don't want to. It's not like I want to feel sad. I just can't be fucked to dig myself out of this hole. I'm afraid when I get out I'll never feel those things again. I have no interest but this. I'm consumed. I'm channeling all I have towards this. I can't free myself. SHIT. shittt. ahhhhhh fuck!

Yeah apparently my swearing vocab is limited to 'fuck' only.

Labels: annoying, blah, depressing, i swear i'm trying to get better, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, mental disorders