Disappear.
Disappear.
Higher
Higher
Into the air
Slowly disappear
No, no, longer here.

Thinner
Thinner
Into the air.

I need more depressing songs to fill this void.

I wish I was like 'Zaki's nyer kawan punye ex' and just lay out my feelings bare here. You can choose your actions but not the consequences. I don't know what will happen if I be completely honest and raw. I want YOU to know. I hate keeping secrets, I HATE smiling pretending I'm okay and am fine with it. I'm not. I'm just a fucking whiny girl after all. Yes, I'm not strong enough to see how this information is going to benefit you. After all, ignorance is bliss right?

Then I guess, you'll never know. And I have to accept the fact that I'm going to keep wasting my time pursuing the unattainable. I'll never stop because I'm not going to stand there later on thinking I should've done something about it. Missed chances. Opportunities that fly past you. I'm wasting my time, so what? It's worth it. I'd do anything to salvage what I can. It's the small things that you chuck away, and I pick them up and keep them in a box.

Being in pain is better than sitting here crying everynight like an ugly fuck. I want to be cold again. Cold and bitter. I don't want to feel anymore. Because it fucking hurts more than being here, now. It hurts more than living the moment. There are times where I want to go back being screwed and broken, if it means I don't get to deal with 24 hours of emotional turmoil. But do you know why I don't do that anymore? I need to feel what it's like to be happy and to love someone as if my fucking life depended on it. That it's time for me to fucking move on and grow up and deal with my feelings. I can't run away from myself forever.

Guess what, I've accepted the fact that 'kiter takde harapan'. How perfect do I have to be 'untuk awak bukak mata besar besar dan tengok aper yang ader di depan mata kamu?' The truth HURTS. It doesn't change anything, it doesn't make anything better. I would rather lie and make everyone happy. So I'm zipping up, and you will never know, or understand, even if you pry my mouth open.


Yes, then maybe that's that. It's not going to change.

Labels: blah, boys, sad