'Be happy.'

'Be confident.'

'Be sociable.'

Easy for you.

I wish you would stop saying that. I have this feeling that I'm going to be screwed, forever.


I hate promoting my loser-ishness, but here it is.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

my religion has been insulted by geert wilders.
read the newspapers. i'm appalled that many muslims in singapore don't know about this.

Labels: islam

I AM SICKKKKKK.

WTH SICK ON WEEKENDS WTHWTHWTH FUCKER. CANNOT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY IS ITTTTT?

Despite having a fever I went to work today (because sooo lazy to get an mc), after work I went to cityhall with Kelvin to find a dry box for my dslr, yo. It was too expensive so we were looking(quite depressingly) for some silica gel and a bloody airtight container. I was sick and coughing, and in a daze, like sick people always are, and my friend was being all sleepy and manly bitchy. LOL.

And why am I documenting my seemingly interesting day? Haha. Oh no I've turned into the average boring blogger.

The good thing about ITP is that I've started to read the newspaper everyday (to kill time) and I find myself smarter. I can go out and like say, 'did you read this article about...'
And if my friend says no, I smartly go on like, 'Oh it was about this median child...'
And I proceed to giving statistics like, 'The average student can only score a maximum of 70% and the other 30% of the marks are meant for the 'above average' '

If you can't say that's smart, then what is. Teeheheheee.

OKAY, regarding that article about the 'median student', it's so true. What the writer says about what actually is stressing people like me are the 'gifted students'. The writer then proceeds telling us about how hard it is for a median student to keep her head above water, and everyone's competing and it's so unfair (okay I had to put that in) that a median student has to perform with the above average student and no matter how hard we try, how hard we study and do our best, IT'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

YES, the plight of a median student. Even in poly, I'm trying to keep my head over water. My nose has submerged and now I have to breathe through my eyes. Okay the writer also says that parents of a median child should just support their children and encourage them to be better.

At this point I almost screamed, 'LOOK AT THIS MUM!'

Being a median child SUCKS. My cousins and sisters have all set the bar. I used to think that one day I might just be like my cousins, and my younger sisters would like look at me in awe and talk proudly about how her sister's in this bloody good jc. When I was 16 I was supposed to set the bar. But NO, fuck, rafhana the median child has to like kick herself into someplace with no future. MEDIAN I TELL YOU, MEDIAN! You have no idea being in this place seems to be like a plague to the family. So a median student can be exceptional if she studies hard and does her best right? No it's not good enough. I wish I could say that yes probably there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me, and I wouldn't feel like I'm splashing in this lake of uncertainty not knowing what failing to obtain a degree would do to my life. Being here feels like my whole future has been robbed from me. I feel inferior.
Like I'd never be good enough to get a degree. Like probably I should just stay here and rot in a 9-5 job.

I want to be a journalist. HAHA, laugh now. I don't even know how I'm going to do it. I feel like I've screwed all my chances of being someone, anyone. Why did I even take mechanical engineering. Why did I screw up my english and not land myself in some mass comm. This is depressing.

On the brightside, I've met the most beautiful people landing myself in a place with no certainty. Kelvin's probably right. 'If you didn't take this then you probably wouldn't have met me.'

And that, I have to agree with whole heartedly.

Labels: depressing, friends, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, school, sickly talk

Ana is a happy happy girl. The past few days have been AMAZING, despite work pulling her spirit down. I love my friends. Every small thing makes me happy and tingle inside. My friends mean the world to me.
I love you all.

Ana also has a new gadget as of today.



SONY A100!

YES! Finally! I have waited so long for this! Ana is happy. Really happy.
:)

Fuck work and it's environmental unfriendly ways. Big fuckers. 2 weeks and 2 days left in that fucking hole.
ARGH god help me.

(If no one has figured out, I'm Ana. I know people call me raf but I'm Ana. Not AH-NA. But EA-NA. My secondary school girls, Adam, and lovely people call me that. )

Labels: camera, friends, loveee

Halo! Hari ini saya gembira. Tahu kenapa? Kerana saya dapat pangilan telefon di kerja. Dari siapa? Dari teman lelaki saya yang platonic. Saya sayang dia banyak banyak, tetapi sebagai kawan sahaja. Tapi tak apalah, saya memang sudah jatuh cinta! Haha, saya tidak tahu kenapa jika bertutur tentang kawan wanita saya, saya dibenarkan berkata, 'I love you christine!' tetapi tidak wajar untuk digunakan pada teman lelaki. Kenapa? Apa itu weird? Tetapi apa saja lah, saya sayang kawan saya! Terima kasih kerana saya sedang mengada hari shitty, so it made me smileeeeee! (at this point I gave up writing in malay) Haha thank you. I love surprise phonecalls.
:)
loves!
saya sayang awak lah. nasib baik awak tak tahu cakap malay.

Labels: happy talk, loveee

I was going to write about how I swore at my mum under my breath in the morning and bummed my ass all over to work and created a hole in my eraser, rolled my eyes secretly at my boss, went to the toilet every minute, tried to poison myself with dried lemons and how no one bothered to text me the whole day :(

But that's about my life every single day, being angry at everyone, at myself, whining about everything. HAHA on a lighter note, on the occasion that MONDAY is over and that I would have to go through only 2 more monday blues in Kranji, I will post something I wrote in my head during the depressing bus trip home.

I wondered how my personal ad would sound like.

" Hi, I'm Ana. I am eighteen so it allows me to post my nude pictures online! I'm looking for no one in particular, because I'm trying to discover my sexual preferences. I like men because they're so big and harddd, but I'm also sexually attracted to women. When they're not looking I look at their arses and tits, imagining ourselves in the shower and how they would react if I asked them if I could grab their boob. Favourite ways to spend my time is to watch porn, phone sex (I am very creative with words and I really want to hear you wank,) watch more porn with older women in it, oh, painting and telling lies. I will take no more blowjob requests because I believe it is very un-feminist and degrading towards women."


HAHA. If you believed that you're an idiot. But the bit about phone sex is tehehehehehe.

Labels: blah, happy talk

I went to a $69 buffet brunch with my family at Carousel 3 hours ago. YUM. It was awesome! It was easter sunday so there were a lot of food and they were all so great. I skipped all the meat and carbo. Went for good old salads (I took a lot of salad mind you. I tried all 10!) Then got the sushi and sashimi, the raw seafood like clams, scallops, spanish oysters and lobster! OH MY GOD so fulfilling. I actually didn't like the scallops or the oysters or the lobster, but the clams were awesomeeee. HAHA after that I dived my fat face into the selection of fine cakes. I took a LOT of cake. Oh the creme brule! Too bad I didn't have space for the meat! What a waste!
My dad spent 500 bucks on that lunch oh I feel so bad.

YESTERDAY MY FATHER BOUGHT ME A NEW PHONE DAMN IT. Hahaha want to see? Well ask me out then!

My sister joined an easter egg hunt during the buffet so she has a lot of eggs and I'm jealous.

What funny is that I don't feel full now. Love the clam love the clam. i want the clam and the awesome sauce and lemons!

HAHA I was so greedy just now. There was this chocolate fountain and I took so many sticks of marshmellows and strawberries and grapes and lots and lots of chocolate. cannot tahan lah, $69 must be used very wisely and greedily.

Right I went out with Syaza yesterday and I've got my eye on certain things and will get them when my much awaited pay from a very stingy company arrives! New school semester new look. Being in the school of MM should be no excuse for my bad dressing sense. Will get more flats and a really nice bag.

Oh in the meantime, I need to loseweight! 3 more weeks wtf! 3 more weeks till ITP ends man. I am soooooooo awesome for surviving 6 weeks. Ugh 3 weeks pass fast. I will have to deal with it and have 3 more monday blues and 3 more whining saturdays. 3 more! Next next week is up for grabs, so anyone! haha call meeee. (syaza i reserve saturday for you already. must go shopping with me lol.) 5th april i'm going out with my kawan to watch a NJ malay play! haha! my sister emcee oi! and my friend is chinese, so. HAAHA i hope it'll be funnnn.

I will get a sony alpha 100 insyaallah. I want to save money so I can't a new set. It's the photographer and lenses, not the camera. Haha oh well. I'm excited for thursday. Insyaallah akan datang dan orang it tidak pangseh me.

Till then, fare thee well!

Labels: food, happy talk

Oh wow I had a hard time dealing with myself today. I know it's a weird thing that no one understands, but sometimes I just feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. It feels horrible having to hate yourself like that. It's either you sleep, wishing that when you wake up it would go away, or read a book hopefully to distract yourself. I chose the latter. Continued reading 'Hamlet'. I love Shakespeare, though I have no reason why.

I sort of fell in love with Act 1 Scene 5 where Hamlet meets his ghost father. 'Adieu. Adieu. Adieu. Remember me.'

Polonius is a pain in the ass, IMO.

Before that I was all running around looking for things to do to fill up the chaos and emptiness. Sewing machine didn't work, so scraped the idea of making my own bag for the new semester. Tried watching Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind to maybe shed some light over my worries that 'love still exist in this totally fucked up place', got a little tired and gave up. Read a chapter of The Bell Jar but gave up too because I felt hopeless and reading a book written my an author who killed herself doesn't seem like such a good idea. So anyway I realised today was so wasted. I feel no sense of accomplishment whatsoever. I just want to go out. Forget the fact that I am fat or I'm screwed all over or that when I go home I'm going to belch out all my inside because I was upset over something that probably didn't happen.

I think you're scared of me. I write too much. I reveal too much about myself. But like Christine posted on her blog, fuck off, fuck off now if you have a problem with me whining about the issues I have with myself, or that my worst enemy is me and no one else. I'm the only obstacle between me and my non-existant dreams because (1) I think too lowly about myself (2) I lost my confidence along the way (3) I want myself to believe that I am seriously fucked up.

The things I post have no link to one another, whatsoever. My attention is so easily diverted. I'm here and there, walking in circles, busy being sad and having nothing to say. I am an immensely boring individual. I think dying my hair blue would snap me out of this boring phase.

I'm going to keep posting this fucking link to my new painting until i get 100 views damn it.

Labels: blah, books, i'm sorry i can't be fucked

Well if anyone cares, I uploaded a new painting 4 days ago. It's called 'Euphoria' and don't ask me why because I don't know. I guess I was just tired and went fuckletsjustnameitsomethingfancierthanhappy. Please view it here: PAINTING, "EUPHORIA"

Also if anyone cares I've been painting like mad lately. I have all these ideas and visions that I needed to let out. But it turned into something else entirely when I touched my canvas and I just threw down my brushes and dirtied my floor and started hating myself. My easel looks like it's a bit old, judging from the amount of paint on it. And oh yeah my room looks like a really messy studio. I have like paintings everywhere, paint tubes, brushes, and paper strewn all over the floor. I can be found like in the middle of the night sitting on a baby chair bitting worn out brushes and staring into my disaster. ARGH. Do you know how it feels like. Art makes me hate myself sometimes. It makes me see how ordinary I am. Makes me see how I have no idea, no creativity. I question myself whether I'm stupid to listen to people who thought I was artistic.

I'm sorry, I'm just in a bad place right now. I feel obese. Fat. Ugly. Hideous. Ordinary. FUCKING ORDINARY! FUCKING ORDINARY! FUCKING ORDINARY!

I don't know. Maybe it's because Nettie isn't here, or my friends aren't here. I need to tell someone EVERYTHING. I hate talking to my livejournal like its an empty wall, waiting for no one to reply, waiting until another disaster to strike until I start to feel again. It appears that I have only 2 emotions. Periods of euphoria, and days where I feel there's no end to my despair. Why can't I just be normal. Normal and artistic. Why do I always have to rely on emotions to be artistic? I want
a caramel
frappucino
NOW.
And I want to tell someone all my secrets and be done with hiding. Oh I almost forgot. They're all too busy. Oh you poor little bastard, Ana. Always hiding, always smiling, always holding on to the pain. I'm sorry I never got better.

'When will you stop?'
'Stop what?'
'This. Faking your laugh.'
'I'm not faking. This is who I am.'
'When will you change Ana?'
'I don't know.'

I don't know why I told you I am a lot better now. I'm still who I was 4 years ago. The same old shit who loved you 4 years ago.

Art. art art. I need to get better.

Labels: annoying, art, boys, depressing

I am going to blog religiously. I will have blog post diahorrea like Christine does. New Rafhana resolution is to write more so I can perfect my english. Of course it will never be, and I don't even know if my grammar is correct. I'm obsessed about grammar, but what's really ironic is that I have no idea when to use 'can' or 'could' or 'will' or 'would'. Please could/can someone help me. I didn't really pay attention in english class in primary school. Haha, I should have. Then I would be accentlesssss.

If anyone was wondering, I sucked at english back at school. I mean seriously, my grammar sucked, I had a vocabulary equivalent to a teaspoon and I knew idioms for godsakes. My tenses were HORRIBLE. My teachers had temporary blindness reading my essays. But you know, I got better because I loved writing, and I read more when I got into a lit class. I haven't always been the nerdy girl with a book on her lap almost everywhere she goes. I got better because I wanted to. I am so in love with english and writing. You know how everyone in the class would grumble and whine when our english teacher made us write essays? I was the only one who went, 'Yes!' Lol.

I bet no one knew this, but I wrote articles on helium and they're sitting in the top 5 at least. I can't believe myself actually. I think bitchy-ness helped. Okay too much self-promotion. Have a look at my deviantart, though the good stuff is still hidden in my laptop haha. I actually was working on a novel but stopped because of the lack of motivation. Maybe if you sleep with me and give me mighty orgasms I would begin to write again. *coughs* Faye *coughs* HAHA. I cannot write when I am happy. But Plan New Rafhana requires me to be happy, so I can't write anymore, can I?

I have sad things to blog about, but I'm quite tired because I just had sex.

HAHA WTF LAH RAFHANA. HORNY ALREADY.

My head hurts because I have been staring at the computer since 8.30 in the morning. MY EYES OH MY GOD SPARE ME!

I could fucking eat you. RAWR. I want to be a lesbian girl with a hot lesbian girlfriend with hot ass.

Labels: random talk

This morning I woke up from the most wonderful dream I've had in years. You know how in dreams your significant other always have a blank face and you wake up not quite knowing who he was? Well I KNOW. I don't know him, but at least I KNOW how he looks like. He is a hybrid of Paul Rudd and Mike Ruffalo, wavy hair down to half of his neck, broad shoulders, scruffy, tallll. Oh my god, you know how people ask me what's my dream guy like and I usually give that mediocre stupid personalities. I know now! tehehehehehe. I have a dream guy!!!! ZOMGXXXSSDNLWBB. My dream guy appreciates my quirky-ness, I get to punch his chest and squeeze his nipples and at the end I get to kiss him while pinning him to the ground.

Anything can happen. I will hold onto that for now.

SOOOOOOOOOOO.

I have decided that I will dissolve my hate, resentment and pessimism from TODAY onwards. I am a STRONG, CONFIDENT WOMANNNNNNNNN! In that dream I wasn't so screwed up. I was happy. I want that to happen to me. Anything can happen. What I want above all is for me to love myself and love others. Forgive them, forgive their unforgiveness. I am outspoken when I want to be, but that doesn't happen always. It doesn't happen because I hate myself and feel inferior so I resent my own voice and opinions. I am going to lose weight! I am going to wear nicer underwear and clothes! I will wear high heels! I AM A STRONG CONFIDENT WOMAN WHO DOES NOT NEED TO ____.

shit sorry I'm drunk.

can't take my eyes off youuuuuuu.

Labels: dreams

HEHEHEHEHEHE.
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!
tehehehehehehehehe!

(just so you know the next paragraph is NOT related to the top..)

At this point of time, I am REALLY worried. I want to go to UNI. I am far from 3.5 or the 3.9999999 dream. I don't want a crap job, I don't want to end up like those people I see in my office everyday. Reading the article in Straits Times scared me. You need GOOD GRADES, VOLUNTEER WORK, COMPETITIVE SPORTS, LEADERSHIP POSITIONS.
So far, I have none of those. Okay, I have leadership positions in secondary school, I have certificates for my services to the school. But in poly I am pretty much a nobody. Besides having attended GYL twice, and making it to commitee in my 2nd year, I have absolutely no leadership positions. Talk about regrets. I SHOULD'VE stuck to the clubs I joined and fought for the leadership positions. Where am I now? In floorball with no absolute future. What will I do now? AHH why did I not think about this in Year One? My ass is fired.
WORK HARDER. I need a new technique. I must learn how to balance. Allocate hours. If trainings, whatever whatever eats into my timetable then fuck it. The goal is more important. My ass is more important. This is about fighting for my place. Since young I had this vision in mind, I MUST get it. I WANT it as badly as other people.

I have to try both. It's right what he said. I've always thought I would have to be born to do something, and no one can have both. I have my art, then this. I want both. If one thing doesnt work out then I have the other. I just don't want to live with the regret that I gave up one because I thought I'm too stupid to do it. I'm going to listen to my lecturers. One of them told me, 'You are intelligent, but lazy.' I will stop being lazy. I will concentrate, I will pay attention. It's not about living the moment and deciding things on a whim. The future is so much BIGGER.

To get my dream, I have to work hard for it. Shit. I am so scared.


Dear world.
Today my friend turned 19. HAHA YES HE IS OLDER THAN ME, HOW DARE PEOPLE THINK HE'S 13 AND I'M 30. He got an MC today, because he's a cheater. (I know he will kill me if he sees this.) I declare that we are BFF because we didn't realise that we were text messaging each other since morning. This has never happened in my life.
so uhm, for the fifth time, HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEWHOCOULDBENAMEDBUTIDON'TWANTTONAMEYOU! I hope you like the card and get fatter than me the next time I see you. I hope my present will humour you.
(I promise it isn't a gay vibrator.)

And something for Zakiyyah:
DO YOU KNOW THAT KRANJI HAS A LOT OF AFRICANS? And they always come to the office, you know! They're so talll and broad, and they have like an accent! 'I DO NOD AVE DE APITIDE TO ID ANYMUR' (I do not have the appetite to eat anymore.)
And like so cool la, the guy's phone rings and he picks it up, and speaks in NIGERIAN! Or african, or something haha like whooooooooahhhhhhhhhh cooooool. And you know its like, they come every 2 days, and it's different african guy everytime! haha zaki you would love to work at my place lahhhh.

To Nettie:
I WANT MY EMAIL, WHY HAVENT I GOTTEN MY EMAILLLLLLLL.

Labels: friends, happy talk

Okay so, will I survive another 5 weeks? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Is there any way I could stay unconsious and numb, and unaware about work? This sucks. Oh you have no idea. I am trapped body and soul for 9 freaking hours. TRAPPED. CONFINED. CAGED.

Oh my god today I literally had NOTHING to do. For 9 freaking hours I had to pretend to do stuff. I have no friends because there's no one my age, even if there were he's so cheena and would rather have lunch with the workers than me. OKAY I DON'T FREAKING CARE I JUST HATE THIS PLACE I PRAY EVERY MORNING THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY HATES THE PLACE MORE THAN I DO AND BURN IT DOWNNNNNN.

Oh my god it is depressing! My life has been robbed from me. For that 9 hours I actually hate being consious. UGH. UGH. 5 weeks! 5 freaking weeks! 5 more mondays. 5 more fridays and saturdays. 5 more weeks in that prison. 5 more weeks of smelling like menses blood because he who must not be named stinks up the whole place! 5 more weeks of being in 925 with people who smell sour and who doesn't brush their teeth! EW. It's just so unfair that I have to last more than half of what I've had to endure. OH MY GOD. It's like 5 weeks! oh my godddddddddddddd. shitty fuck.

okay shitttt I'm pressurised to meet my friends so I can get work off my mind! this week kelvin, next week is good friday so it's with jesus i guess, next next week maybe dinner with secondary school friends, next next next week should be like OMG SYAZA WHERE ARE YOU GO OUT WITH MEEEEE, next next next next week is up for grabs so SHIT ASK ME OUT WILL YOU. So that's 5 weeks spent with friends okay shit i'm all calm and feeling happier now. Don't ask me why I'm a dork that I choose one friend every week. I have to spread out my meetings so I can get through the weeks you see. I shall meet them every saturday so the days will pass faster and i'd be happier and everything. UGH UGH UGH.

and i will poison myself on the second last week so I can get an MC. (I got an MC last wednesday because I sort of failed to poison myself which was supposed to give me a fever like it usually does, but instead I got giddy and weird, and therefore an mc yay!) Or maybe i should break my toes. OOOH or maybe i should contract malaria.

Labels: annoying, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sickly talk

It's official. I am an artist. BECAUSE I JUST SPENT MY SAVINGS ON AN EASEL!!!!!
I'm sort of lazy to type about it, so just read Christine's post HERE.
It's so bloody cool. I actually have a made in italy easel. It's not wood though. Like super stable metal. I got it on discount at a whooping 69 bucks. that's actually cheap.

Here's a picture of it!




Tehehehehehehe. Ignore the painting on it. It's work in progress.

I think it's appalling how some people think so highly of themselves that the world rots with their filth. It's disgusting. I actually had the chance to trample over one and stomp all over their dignity and ego today! TODAY RAFHANA IS BITCHY. Yes, I like myself this way.

By the way, I don't want to be sad anymore. I will fight my way to happiness. I know deep inside I have to believe that I deserve to be happy.

I am falling back in love with you.
Ouch.
I think it feels good.

Labels: art, bitching, dirt, loveee

When I come into work every morning, I see this Indian/Bangladeshi/Pakistani man pushing this trolley loaded with a bucket. Every morning he sees me, he smiles and wishes me, 'Assalamualaikum, sister.' (which means 'Peace to be upon you.') Oh, you have no idea how this affects me. How every morning this man I only know by face wishes me peace and gives me this widest smile which actually brightens up my day. And I thought to myself, why am I always so unhappy? Is it not enough that a stranger wishes me well, and actually acknowledges my existence while everyone else doesn't?

I think sometimes we all are too happy or too sad to realise the small things around us that could be significant. Either we indulge in our own misery and let it eat us up, or be too happy and forget the people around us who matter. Also sometimes the small things we do that we think nothing of, could mean the world to another person. Maybe he thought of it as a courteous greeting to a fellow muslim, but he has no idea what he does is actually the highlight of my every day at work. When I return his salam I meant it, I really wished him peace and I hope he is happy.

I hope all of you are busy being happy too. I am not. So please ask me out and force me to socialise. Thank you.

Uploaded a new picture : I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE

Labels: happy talk