I'm lucky I'm in love with my bestfriend.
I'm lucky to have been where I have been.

I had the most random conversation with cheesing over the phone last night.
RAF: Why is my butt so dry?
CS: I don't know.
RAF: Is your butt always dry?
CS: yeah?
RAF: It's so dry. It feels like cloth. Does your butt feel like cloth?
CS: I don't know.
RAF: GO TOUCH IT! Touch your butt!
CS: no
RAF: Touch your buttt!!
CS: No its not dry.
RAF: oh my god my butt is peeling!!!!

Well not suprising, someone has such a beautiful baby butt.

Anyway, fasting month is here. I'm not supposed to go out at night actually. My mum is very busy with her uni (Yes, my mum is doing a degree,) so there's no one to prepare the things for my dad and little sister. And I'm supposed to do religious things, like go for terawih and stuff. Sigh. I do value religious activities. I do feel like putting religion before fyp, or other commitments. Because you know, worldly stuff isn't everything. I know people say things like they're so busy but they can make it for this and that. Unfortunately, I'm not like that. I have fucking responsibilies and I'm this close to failing fyp. I'm not kidding. We got a freaking warning and its very likely that we're going to fail. And I'm not going to get my sorry ass back in SP for another year just because I don't know how to prioritise. Let's face it, my ass is on the line. I'm constructing a lawnmower for godsakes. One that runs on a water hydraulic system. Think it's a piece of cake? hell no. I'm telling you mechanical engineering is the shit. I don't get why you're bickering about some stupid paperwork project.

So basically throughout the next week I'll be so bollocking busy with fyp. Frankly, I just don't care about anything else right now. You know how it would feel like if I told my parents I screwed up my diploma just because I failed fyp? Oh god, that would be so fucking smart. I think he was probably right. Everyone should just quit their freaking cca so we can be more productive. bleargh.

Okay rant over. I just don't give a damn about anything anymore. I need a break so I know what it's like to be human again. I have too many mental and personality issues that need to be sorted out. Life is bollocks. GRAH.

Labels: annoying, bitching, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, school

I know, I'm a sucker for romance, so I've got this small love quotes thingy on the side of my journal. Today's is, 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.'

The most touching one I've ever read. The emotion Joni Mitchell songs can never spark in me. It's so poignant, and so true.

Talk is cheap. We can say things about setting someone free but the act of doing it is so arduous. I mean of course, deep inside we always want to know whether they're meant for us, instilling that lie that only 'time would tell', and grabbing their throats, always asking 'do you love me?! do you love me?! you must love me!' I think most of the time we're afraid to let go, just in case they might start loving us, just in case we cannot live without them.

I think love is the best thing one could ever have. It makes us stupid and the reasons behind the things we do for love, is unexplainable. And truly, as pathetic as I can get, 'All you need is loveeee.'

Oh the things we do for love, like setting them free. Even if it does not benefit us, but seeing them happy makes us happy. And that's all that matters.

There's still a little bit of your taste, in my mouth.

I can't wait for exams to be over. Then I can start on my ritual harry potter book marathon, read all the books that are flooding my bedroom, clean my room and redecorate, and help kelvin design his room! 2 papers to go!

Labels: boys, letting go, loveee, pondering

Exam week? I heard I failed my RAC. SIGH. I FAILED RAC! I studied so freaking hard for it. When I opened the paper it felt like I didn't study anything. I couldn't do it. I actually only finished one question. Oh dear god please dont let me repeat that pain in the ass module!

Okay too much fondling around, I really got to study. Sigh.

Anyway, this past week, I've been having so much fun with keeeeelelelevinnnn. I enjoy using up his money. Teheheheeee.

Someone needs to confiscate my psp.

Labels: happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, school

A lot of things are not working in my life right now. Like my phone's keypad is dead so I can't sms, and I refuse to use my old phone cus it's very fat. And my laptop's adapter is like a crazy bitch so it's not working on me, which makes it very lazy for me to spend much time on the internet. And I'm not strong financial wise, I'm left with 30 cents for the rest of this month, so stop asking me out bitches, unless you plan to treat me. lol.

This morning I woke up from the most terrible dream I've ever had in my life. Oh god, it was so vivid. And I kept crying and crying and begging in my dream. Oh horrible. Oh god, I hope that's not the future. I would die if that happens. I would kill myself, no kidding. Life without some stuff is not worth living, so yeah.

On a random note, porn is scary. How it destroys people and put ideas into their heads. Oh how vile and cruel. Porn industry is making millions of bucks and they're probably like bathing in money and cum, while the receiver, the viewer of porn is probably struggling to control their life and not sex take control over him. Sometimes I guess, we're oblivious about how sex takes control of us. How the media portrays sex as something everyone needs to have. Sex is a good thing, but there are better things in life than sex, isn't it? I mean virgins probably are hyped up about sex and blowjobs, make jokes and laugh about it. I know people in my school are mostly loser virgins (oops!), not because they want abstinence, but because they cannot find anyone who wants to have sex with them. It's a bit sad actually.

I think most of the time we just have this void in our lives. Some people fill it with memories, some people use art, others use alcohol, some people use porn and masturbation, some use sex to cope, etc etc. And most of the time, our whole lives we never find out what is missing, and we go on to filling this void with unhealthy behaviour, thinking, for a moment there, we might feel good. So what happens after that? The hangover, the ending of orgasmic pleasure, the busride home? We go back to feeling the same damn thing over and over again. The void will never be filled. In fact it gapes open, the indulgence is acidic, slowly eating up the very core of our being.

We'll start losing our personality or creating new personalities for ourselves, the one that is insatiable, abusive and cruel. Then we'll start asking, 'what happened to us?' How could something so small grow this big, one small debt turns into an ocean of debts, how a little drink turns into this drunken life, how a little sex couldn't hurt. Oh how we lie to ourselves everytime that it couldn't hurt to have more. and more. and more. and more, more, more, more, MORE, MORE, MORE! The next thing we know, we're lying on the floor, broken.

Searching and groping in the dark for a way out. We're broken and this void becomes bigger and bigger until it washes us away, until we lose ourselves.

No one said it was this easy.

Labels: nothing makes sense anymore, pondering

I have a foul mouth, oh god, the f-word is so overused. When I'm pissed off all the other vulgarities completely disappear from my vocabulary. Bollocks.

I can;t study! Paper on monday! HOW NOW BROWN COW!


I WENT TO THE ZOOOOOOOOO TODAY!

Chee sing so moooooooody. hahahahha. oh well oh so tired I eat so much these past few days i gained like lots and lots of kgs. oh there goes my career as a strip dancer.



-

On other note, I FUCKING DESPISE FYP. OH can we uh, drop the whole fucking module itself? AHHHH like what the fuck, how am I supposed to know what to do? It's beyond our knowledge, its uni and beyondddd level, i mean fluid mechanics, what the fuck is that? Oh god the profs are a pain in the ass. FUCKING pain in the ass. FYP is a fucking pain in the asssssssssssssssssss! Like I don;t have a lot of shit forced up in my ass already. AHHHHH. I need to fucking study for exams! Not do fucking calculations. What fucking calculations? AHHHH fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP I HATE FYP!!!!!!! BURN IN HELL FYP! Oh whats so great is that I have no directions, I don't know what to contribute, my maths fucking suck christian bale's ass, SO WHAT THE FUCK? UGH. UGH FUCK FUCK FUCK. FYP go fuck yourself. I don't care if I get a fucking D!

Labels: bitching, happy talk

Kindness is 'I want you to be happy.'

The unrequited dream, the song that no one sings, the unattainable.

But sigh you know, if it makes everything better, and it makes you happier if i'm not there, i'm fine with it. Now nothing matters anymore.

Cause I love you damn fucker.

Labels: letting go, loveee, unrequited

Some people think I'm infatuated with love. Love is the very core of my being. Love moves me, spurs me. I have loved and lost, because god wanted him more than I did. Lost my beacon of light, lost a companion, a friend, a lover, a father, a grandparent, a ray of hope. My love is motivated by loss. I can truly love someone that it makes me happy just to make them smile even if I just keep giving my entire life. It makes me content. It completes me.

Anyway I forgot what I wanted to write about so we'll leave my awkward ending to that.

Kelvin told me that people don't really like good people. People like bad people who think that they are good. And my greatgrandfather was a good man and I loved him so much, but he didn't get the respect that he deserved. And if you knew someone very well then you would know whether they're really good or not.

Anyway I don't get my point cause I've lost my blogging spirit.


ben's small hand curled around my finger. ben running in circles.


I finished a new portrait drawing. After so many months of not drawing.

See it here:
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Fishboy-93566929
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Fishboy-93566929
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Fishboy-93566929
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Fishboy-93566929
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/art/Fishboy-93566929

For Kelvin and little Ben.

Labels: art, ben, deviantart, drawing

Benedict.

❤

Labels: ben, losing