What is happiness to you?

It was rainbow throughout the rainy days. It was the glint of sunlight, after a death. Happiness is shortlived. During the sad parts, I've just got to ride it out and think about the happier times, hold onto them like they're everything I'll ever have. I'm back home, my thoughts are just sinking in, my sense of loss and despair is consuming me. To think that just a few hours ago I was happy. Going to school with a smile on my face, feeling like everything is going to be better. Watching kelvin eating curry mee, kelvin murmuring to me about jim jones while I was trying to study stats. Watching The Dark Knight again. This time with a huge tub of popcorn in my arms. With someone to share it. I turn my head and I see my bestest friend there.

That is happiness to me.

Thank you so much chee sing. (:

Labels: friends, losing, loveee, sad

Just an empty space, a blank wall, a white canvas.

Gone.

Empty. Empty coffin.

Labels: i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, losing, nothing makes sense anymore, sad

emooooo music is my life.

Secondhand Serenade is my new loveeee.

I need a lip piercing. Ah wait till mum goes to australia.

Labels: music

I am so scared I think I'm going to cry.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

I've never felt so alone in the world. Like everywhere you turn, there's no one, just strangers, staring back at you, shadows hiding behind the curtains, whispering. No blanket to shield you from the cold, no big fat arm to cuddle, nothing, nothing in sight. I feel like my world has turned upside down and I don't know how it'll ever be right side up again. Everything is all wrong now, nothing is falling into place, everything is falling apart, disintegrating, floating in the air beyond my reach. I don't know how to fix this. I can't fix this. I want all of it to be right again, I want to go back to when everything was new and exciting, so I'd know how to do it right. So I can watch the series of good events happening in front of my eyes, feel the emotions running through me and feel the same happiness, the same butterflies in the stomach feeling, and the tingling feeling deep inside my soul where no one knows.

You know sometimes, it doesn't matter if you're standing beside someone and talking to them. You feel like they're drifting further and further away from you, they're turning into this person you don't know, and you're scared. Scared one day they might be gone from your life and leave you here to cope with being absolutely alone. It's like this vision, these memories of all the time you spent together laughing, giggling, talking- dissipating, dying, gone. It was like a dream, all of it.

I'm spending a lot of my time at school alone nowadays. I am going insane. I have no one to talk to, no one to eat with, no one to go places with. PSP isn't enough to get me away from my sadness. Oh the agony of being completely alone. And I just starve the whole day and sit at t15 like some loon waiting for classes. Today I was very moody so I skipped lecture and just went to jurong point and ate there alone. Who cares I was so fucked up already. I'm going to be fucked up for the rest of my semester. No my life isn't going to change, it's just one big blow after another. Soon when I'll have enough I'll jump down and die.

Labels: depressing, nothing makes sense anymore, sad, school, sinking

Boring people shouldn't even have blogs. They're narrating their day to day life to show the world how much they have to do, when actually they're just hollow like coconut husks, so shallow, like in their brains they think about nothing just probably some shit about class, lessons and maybe their compulsive training routines. I actually thought people could think. I was disappointed to find out that people, do not ponder. It's unsettling to see everyone like robots, like everyone in school behaving and talking in a certain way as if they were programmed to do so. Sigh, it's really hard to talk to people these few days. No one gets me. I talk about something and no one understands where I'm coming from. Sigh I miss cheesing. He was the only one who understood me and wanted to talk to me about those things we pondered about.

Anyway, for my birthday my parents gave me a PSP! I was exhilirated and intiated a hug! WOW. My sister gave me pocahontas, my other sis a keychain (which broke today =[ ), my little sister this uber cool pen that has 10 different ink colours.
They bought dinner which was whoah oh so awesome and this cheesecake from secret recipe. Whoah whoah. Best birthday, like ever.

Thank you armadas teammates for the famous amos! It's really pretty and I'm very touched and really happy. :)

cheesing is a manwhore. I miss talking to you, damn it! HAHA.

Labels: birthday, i'm sorry i can't be fucked

So, you know, shit happens, things don't fall into place sometimes, sometimes truth can hurt, but at the end of the day I've just got to stand back up and put on that smile, even if I don't mean it. Sometimes truth isn't always the right thing, cause see what it did to me, though there were good and bad times, I've become more selfish and self-centred by telling the truth. Smile like you mean it. I'm going to smile because I deserve to.

I was a bit scared of meeting my friends on thursday night. Swollen eyes, watery nose, blah blah. It got better anyway, when I found out they were going to treat me for dinner! Thank you, Tiara, Syaza, Mai and Ash, my rich working friends for spending a bomb in there just so I could fill my stomach with a lot of food. It got a lot better when seoul garden played all the boyband songs and I was singing along like no one's business, dropped potato on the floor and what not. I love you people, I was really happy that night! We snapped a lot of pictures so here's just a few of them cause I haven't received any from the others! Haha.





Last night, the eve of my birthday was spent with nettie nettie. We watched the Dark Knight, drooled over my gorgeous christian bale and future husband, Batman. I was pondering a lot during the movie, well 1/4 of the screen was blocked my someone's big head sigh, and pondering a lot, and after the movie still pondered a lot, got a bit depressed, and went home. But nonetheless thank you nettie nettie! I'm watching it again but it was so dark and disturbing. Sigh batman wherefore art thou.

When I got home I started vomitting out blood and it splattered all over the bathroom walls and I got a bit lightheaded after that. Sigh I'm supposed to see a doctor today.

Anyway TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY and I'm a bit sick and decomposing at home. I don't feel special at all and I have to do housework. I wanted to spend my birthday with my BFF but you know, things cock up at the wrong time, and the world is falling apart at the wrong time, so I'm all aloneeeee on my birthday. It's just very sad. If I had been a good girl and it was itp I bet I'd be having the happiest birthday ever.

Anyway, THANK YOU for the birthday messages and bombardment on msn. My sister smsed me happy birthday today and I felt happy I don't even know why. I hope some miracle happens and I get a pleasant suprise, somehow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME.

Labels: batman, birthday, blah, friends

People stop asking if you're alright or not because you're always at this depressive mood. The truth is we need you to care because we can't even stand up by ourselves. But people don't care. They've accepted that you're hopeless and you're probably going to die in all your filth and pathetic tears. They're not going to take that razor away from you. Instead they give up and say 'Here, take it, go ahead and take it, go kill yourself.'

It hurts like fuck now. I think I'm going to die from it.

Labels: depressing, nothing makes sense anymore

If someone tells you they regret laying feelings on you, how would you feel?

Would you question yourself, why did they say that? What is wrong with you that they feel that way? Are you such a bad person? Are you really a useless waste of space? It just kind of dawns upon you that you're probably the reason why someone is screwed up. And all you could ask is, 'What did I do? All I ever did was fall in love.' You ruined someone, you're like a disease, a plague, a useless waste of space. Maybe you deserve to die.

You're HURT. Confused and hurt. The wound is gaped open now and there's no way for it to heal.


For my birthday I want a really nice sour cream donut, a pretzel from aunt anne's, and the nicest cinammon roll you've ever tasted and penyet chicken rice. I'm ovulating now so I'm really concerned about spawning lots and lots of big eyed babies and eating compulsively.

I don't need material stuff just lots and lots of food to keep me happy and gain 10kilos.

My mum better make me a cheesecake for my birthday and cook crab for dinner or I'll be very very cranky!

Thursday, eat with cedar-rilek-one-corner-in-cikgu-noorhani's-class-and-make-fun-of-her-voice-and-gossip-about-mk people.

Friday, force nettie to eat with me and watch batman.

Saturday, BIRTHDAY FEAST!

YAY. I have plans to EAT. OMG FOOOOOD. OMG STARVING. OMG BIG FAT ASS.

Labels: birthday, food

I am so having pms. I think. Sigh. I feel sad for no reason. Actually, I do have a reason. I feel sad for waking up at 12.30am all alone. I feel so lonely oh god! What's this with being volatile and unstable? I want, uhm macdonalds and midnight binging. God, so unhealthy.

Labels: depressing

There's a reason I don't post about floorball whatsoever. It's because I feel fairly incompetent and very clumsy in court. And I love floorball, though I don't say it out loud because people may snigger alot because I try hard at it, and still suck.

What I'm saying is, for the first time ever in my blog, I would rather be hitting balls (however clumsy I may look) and do drills over and over again, and play and run and keep on running than be here in this room tonight. I am pretty much disturbed and bothered that I've gone this long (a whole day in fact) not receiving or writing any smses to anyone. I just want to run and do some stuff and sweat, a lot.

Tomorrow I shall be thick skinned and run before business classes, all by myself. Or if anyone is crazy enough to socialise and run with me tomorrow, is welcomed to do so. I guess if you wait for people, things never happen, so it's best to get my ass moving so I can do my napfa without dying halfway. I'm going to keep my mind focused on losing weight and running everyday instead of this trivial stuff we call being depressed and clingy. Of course this is also a personal invitation to Tiara, kalau tak sebok train saya yer, makcik.

YAY BIRTHDAY SATURDAY, 19TH. hahah. I'm going to make full use of my last 5 days being 18.

Labels: floorball, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, operation seth

I am a sucker for orange juice. I am obsessed with orange juice. Orange juice is amazing. It's the best thing on earth. It's the nicest thing to drink during flights and in between lectures. It's the only thing to drink as you curl up on your bed to die. Ah, what would I do without orange juice.

I am overdosing on Nettie. It says on my prescription to take Nettie once a week, for 2 hours. But I somehow got a bit addicted to my medication and took Nettie two times this week for countless hours. Also Nettie is a bit costly to me. Because of my Nettie OD-ing and addiction I've got no money left for the week! AHHH.

I think, this week despite many setbacks, emotional turmoils and a lot of shit to tahan, it's been good. I meant it was only good when I met Nettie, slumped myself in the most comfy Starbucks while slurping a Java Chip (finally!) and just talking for hours, like literally exhausted ourselves catching up with each other, talking about boys and first kisses and things that made us feel warm insideeeeeee. And wow, Siam Kitchen and some shitty chicken thingy and ramen and donuts sure made me feel lovedddd if not fat, but otherwise lovedddd by nettienettienettie. We were up there, just a few hours ago at Vivo, around us were couples in love, and we were walking there eating donuts not caring whether we'd get fat or we had boys in our lives (well Nettie has a boy but it's okay Rafhana is still her number one lover.)

Ahh and then I was in the bus alone for over an hour just staring into the world outside, staring into the sequence of events that has happened and how messed up my life is, how no more 'good morning, how are you?' messages that came anymore to brighten up my day and how my wants have become so simple, like a smile from someone could complete my day. I think when life is that sad, you try to pick up anything, however small it is, like catching a whiff of someone's smell or see them smiling genuinely could mean something to your life, even if it makes you happy for a few hours. Sometimes it's important for us to realise how important we are in other people's life. I'm a sucker for emo posts too.

Labels: addiction, food, friends, happy talk, i swear i'm trying to get better, pondering

I am so over narrating my day to day activities. Primarily because my days revolve around nothing and I need to get a life but I really don't have the time.

I want to turn my room into starbucks. And oh I'm out of money for the rest of this month.

While waiting for my vagina to start bleeding profusely and waiting for someone to start gnawing at the walls of my uterus, I shall read all the books that I've bought but never read, and sleep like nobody's business.

Depressing. Someone needs to teach me how to be not clingy.

Labels: blah, depressing, nothing makes sense anymore

Once in a house on a hill
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart

For a day and a night
I stayed beside him
Until I had no hope

So I came down the hill
Of course I was hurt
But then I started to think

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself


It's funny isn't it, how love actually makes you want to die. Like all you want to do now is get so fucking drunk and walk aimlessly to the middle of the road and hope some truck hits you and you'd die like an instantaneous death, thus ending your pain, filling up your emptiness with crushed brain and broken bones. We have all been blind. Blinded by the lie that someday something might exist.

I'm letting go. This is hurting me, being in love. This was my burden to bear.
It was a gift for you that someone loved you that much. This person also loved you so much that it became a curse cause everything is messed up now. I'm sick of falling apart and having to put myself back together again. I'm chasing a rainbow to no end. I'm dangling my heart on a piece of string and no fish eats it up.

Thank you, thank you, for everything. You have no idea how happy you've made me. Just your friendship and kindness alone was enough to stop me from spiraling into self-destruction.

I stopped asking god for things. I am a bad person. I don't believe god hears me. I don't believe god gives a damn anymore, or has ever given a damn. Sometimes I ask if he puts us here to die. With no guide or light, or hope that motivates us to survive. I've lost hope that god hears me because every goddamn thing is falling apart now.

With no god I feel so fucking screwed up. I need god back in my life. I feel nothing, nothing at all. Like I'm screaming standing on a boat in the vast ocean but no one hears me. I'm all alone, in the dark, standing naked and shivering, because god is absent from my life. I feel nothing. I am empty. How did it ever amount to this? Why?

WHY WHY WHY.



I thought of the boy
No one could ever forget

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

Labels: cruel, depressing, i feel like i'm slipping away kthxbye, letting go, loveee, nothing makes sense anymore, sad

Oh dear god spending time browsing through friends' pictures over friendster and facebook despite having a big big test tomorrow, makes me see how much I'm lagging behind. My friends are gorgeous. My old classmates, those people I used to go home with and the first ones to rush into bus 155.. those people I used to talk crap to.. oh wow oh wow. It was kind of depressing knowing that I'm stuck in a rut. I don't have new clothes, I don't wear enough make up, I don't change. Sometimes change can be a good thing. Saying 'Ana is still the same, she's still craps blah blah' sometimes isn't that comforting you know? Okay well, I don't change, I know that. But oh my god seeing all my friends moving on makes me feel like I want to be in their shoes.

Maybe I need new clothes. And learn how to wear eyemakeup properly. But first and foremost, I've gotta lose weight.

Come on Ana, I need to lose weight before my birthday. No more zinger meals and boy food. I have a boy's appetite and it's not doing me any good.

Oh well, back to studying!

Labels: friends, operation seth