When I said I felt like killing myself, did you really think I was kidding?

I am not. I do not joke about such matters because I've been there, done that, washed clean and returned to the world.

I just want to survive. It is so hard? Is it so wrong to beg for life? Is it so wrong to want to do well enough so I don't end up like everyone else?

I have screwed my 3.999999 dream. My life is fucked in front of me. The dream is gone, the vision is lost. How will I tell my parents? My whole life was about excelling and proving my worthiness to them. What do I do? There is nothing to prove! Everytime I keep telling myself I will MAKE myself worthy. I will show them why I deserve to be their child, why I should be loved just as my sisters are. Why can I not have that one day, in which they would say, 'WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU.'
tell me why god, why do I not have that day? Am I so undeserving of it? Isn't it enough that I am ugly beyond imagination, why can I not have this, why can I not be blessed with virtue, with education, with smartness? Am I just stupid, am I just so undeserving of a good life? must I struggle all the time, must my day always end in tears, why does it seem like there is NO light at the end of the tunnel?

Maybe I deserve to unhappiness. Maybe this is my life. Maybe i'm a failed experiment. maybe I am the unluckiest human being.

I feel like lying down here, wait for the world to pass, let no one touch me, let me stop living.

I don't know what else to do.

Tonight I am a threat to myself.

you can't tell me that I am good in art that is why I can't do this.

'we are so proud of you.'

fuck. i don't know what else to do. i can't just move on, can't do better because my spirit is gone. I don't want to do this anymore. how will I do this?

help

Labels: depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, school, sickly talk