After work ended I went to town alone. I suppose it's easier to say that I am a loner and I needed some alone time, than saying my friends don't give a fuck about me anymore. Oh well I went there to get some art supplies, nothing much. I'm just so detached from the world right now. I don't belong anywhere, I'm just a person on the outside looking in; trying to find slots to stick myself in but then it's like this repelling force pushes me right out.

I realised that after I started being happy, I caused myself a lot of damage so I wouldn't have those feelings anymore. The hug changed everything. But now it's gone, and I'm back down there again. It's okay I guess. I'm going to kick and struggle with this all by myself, no help this time. I realised that when I get help I depend on people too much and when they go away I feel like it's the worst thing in the world. Oh fucking help. What's help anyway. No one will help me fix this. You don't understand.

I tried to paint, then I realised I wasn't in a van gogh moment so I stopped. I feel horrible, rotten, horrible, damaged beyond repair. I feel like I'm broken into pieces and trampled all over. I feel like nothing. Empty. Fucking empty. Tired. Empty. Nothing.

Maybe I really don't love you anymore.

Labels: depressing, irony, sad