I spent last night talking my mum not to go Johore so that I could go Saturday's training, and then guess what? ARGH, I twisted my leg. This morning I did something like I don't know what, then my right leg went into this awkward position then OW! I was limping the whole morning. Up till now, I can't walk properly without being in pain. This feeling really sucks.




More bracelets @
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Please help support and spread the word that I make awesome chunky charm bracelets. Am clearing out the old stock, so prices have been slashed like crazy.

Labels: shop stuff

Last night I was feeling suicidal, and decided to kill myself by eating 3 slices of ham. Obviously, that didn't work, and the sideeffects included mild weight gain and intense craving for raw meat.

Labels: sickly talk

I'm having school woes. Oh, oh the first week of school sucks like hell. I've been having such a hard time trying to pry my eyelids open. I was staring down on my IA notes during lecture today and the words started dancing. This is not right, I tell you. Then I realised I was asleep.

No, no, no, new semester, new plans, new resolutions! This cannot happen. I must love my modules. I must listen to lectures. I must stay vigilant! I'm all falling apart. You should see the state of my hair. I can hear my brain just screaming, 'I must sleep! I must, I must!' I haven't had a dreamless sleep in years. They're just constant nightmares and swirly stuff and horrible scenarios. And then there's this other thing that I am very depressed about, which I cannot tell you, then the parents thing, then the sibling rivalry thing, then the housework, and then there's like PRO-E, and lonely GEMS class. Just, ARGHH! I AM SO GOD DAMN TIRED I NEED TO LIKE SLEEP FOR 24 HOURS AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. WHEN I OPEN MY EYES MY DEPRESSING THING WILL GO AWAY, MY PARENTS WILL GO TO AUSTRALIA, I WILL BE THIN, I WILL BE SMART, AND MY GPA WOULD BE LIKE 3.9999999999!

I swear it's just me going through a mental disorder. I've never done like 2 sentences in CAPS. This is not right, I tell you.

I think I need to sleep.

Labels: annoying, school, sickly talk

Eeee I brushed my teeth (an hour) after break-fast and everything I ate came out really violently. Then I tasted and noticed a lot more blood than usual. I'm puking out blood. I swear the phelgm is going to rupture my throat very soon. And there is a sharp pain in my stomach, like that's going to make everything better.

I miss Nettie. I'm fasting mate, can't go Starbucking. =(
3 more weeks till Starbucks, and my favourite masala thosai at foodcourt 3. Hahah, better beg your lecturer, Nettie!

Labels: sickly talk

Two weeks have passed, and I have not tried talking to my father about my 'request'. I imagine it would come off as wrong and he would scream at me for bothering him about it. I'm getting restless. I'm getting moody. I am fucking desperate.

What if he refuses to get me one? I don't want to starve for like a whole year before I can explore my other creative interests. My IXUS is my love, but I want to love something more now. I can do so much better. I wish I could tell him that it is a tool I need to unleash whatever that needs to be free. It's like if I don't have a pencil and a paper I would die of overloading. It's the same now. I need it, or I cannot cope. I would sulk all day and hope he gets the message.

But time is running out. If he doesn't want to give me a loan, I would have to find other means of affording it. If he didn't mean what he said, he shouldn't have gotten my hopes up so high. I hope he meant what he said; about how much better it would be if I had it. My father never praised me for anything before, except photography. They hated my interest in drawing, and how much it took up my time.

I bet they don't understand how someone can be so deep and withdrawn, and that art could be the only way of keeping sane.

Dear god, please help me. I've been patient and everything. Why won't he say yes?

Labels: annoying, sad

I'm all droopy and woozy. And so fat and physically inactive, and unattractive, and blah blah blah. I'm sick of running myself down, as you are. I can't work with balls! They hate me! Balls hate me! (Don't make it sound so dirty!)

See, this is the part where I'm going to say I'm fit to roll in the mud. I love mud, and it loves me. Haha, I'm still keeping my muddy Batam socks (which has hardened really disgustingly), and my bag which sank along with me is still unwashed. I also like to be dirty and disgusting and my motto is, 'If you're dirty, why not get dirtier?' I love oily faces and greasy hair, muddy shoes and smelly socks. I like the so called, 'extreme' drive thingy where you have these cars that drive through mud and hills and holes. Ah, how lovely. (And no, being a pig is not my lifelong ambition.)

I seriously need to jog tomorrow. And do Taebo. I suck at leg stuff. And since when did I start documenting my life?

Blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I miss James. Although he can be a tad religionist and a pain in the arse.

Labels: blah

I had to make a difficult decision today. To fund a dslr and some lenses, I need to sell off my untouched yarn stash. That includes my skinny scarves and everything. I suck at selling stuff. I revamped and took better pictures of my chunky charm bracelets and I still haven't done any advertising of the site. I just haven't got the energy and interest to do it.

Looks like I won't be knitting for quite some time. I'm lacking funds for my basic needs of survival. Heh.

I made this whole financial revolution. Next time I go to Starbucks, I'm going to order the most cheapest and smallest drink.

Ah, the life of a starving artist. I might need to sell my drawings too. Or take commissions. Anyone?

P.s. Look through my DEVIANTART, you might see a collection of my drawings there. The best is Gerard Butler. But I'm so poor now, I think I might take commissions. Err is $30 a portrait too expensive? I use high quality paper, and request a picture (I work best with softcopy.) Email me at rafhanabanana@gmail.com for more details.

Labels: deviantart, money

So many things in my head right now. I can't begin to look at them. They've just flooded my head and sucked out my soul. Now I'm abandoned and hollow, I cannot understand anything.

I began to question my self-worthiness and my ability to do things. It's always been the same thing, the same thing robbing me of my interest and passion to live. Honestly, can I do it? Will I be good? Like I feel I shouldn't buy paper because I'll never be good at drawing, like I feel I shouldn't get a better camera because I'll never be good at photography. Right now I feel as though I should just curl up into a ball and do nothing.

Do nothing.

Like the fate my mother destined for me. 'Useless.'

I hate her. I hate fasting month because she gets really bitchy, hostile, pious and biased. I hate fasting month because I need to destroy myself but I can't. She seems to love my third sister so much. She threw a spoon which I was doing a dishes today, because we're oh so 'unfilial'. Honestly, I'm sick of her moodswings. I wish she would give my second sister and me a break. So what, my third sister got 270something for prelims, that means she's fucking QUEEN now? Total fucking bullshit. So my other sister got 260, I got 240, we're not your daughters now?
This is disgusting, I hate living inside this house. Do you know she's never received a sincere mother's day card from me, or simple words like 'I love you.' Because I don't. I don't feel it. I see how my friends have that kind of mothers but I don't. It's like the little things she does, and we're indebted to her. No free pass, nothing is done without a motif. And she's so used to having a maid around, that she screams at my sister and me like we're maids. My third sister doesn't get any of that. Oh cause her bmi is like 30, and she's so clever, so it's okay. PFFT.
If I had money and a choice I would run away. I hate weekends because she's at home. I hate going on holidays where she's there. I hate her teaching us to be good people when she's evil. I know I'm supposed to be a bigger person and ignore it. I can't. I just fucking cannot. I will not understand why she does this to me. I will not understand why life has to be this horrible. I will not understand why she uses me as a tool to impress other people. Sorry, I got into poly, remember?

All I want is to curl up into a ball and do nothing.

Do nothing.

Labels: cruel, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, sickly talk

My desktop is teh seckz.
*giggles*


I too, have an unrequited love interest, and it makes me sad.



Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Labels: explosm

Ooh I actually went out in the evening today, which is like rare. Cause my parents are so inexperienced with parenting they're scared I might like drink and smoke and go out with guys. Hahaha. Two consequtive days drinking Starbucks coffee, man. I love whipped cream.

So now Zakiyyah knows who I like. Hem hem.

Went out with the GYLs to watch this movie, 1408. I thought it'd be scary lol. Okay well, that's big coming from me. Cause I was peering beyond my glasses throughout, so all I could see were blurry figures. Also, I kept looking at the seat in front of me and at my whipped cream. Some parts were hilarious though. Super lame, man. Especially the part he screamed at the contents of the fridge.

By the way, I don't think I will blog about GYL trip soon. The more I talk about it, the more I feel that I'm going to lose it. But the more I keep it to myself, the more I feel that I'm going to forget it.

Falling into the mud was awesome though.

But then maybe they'll see me as a weak, witless fool to climb Mt Kinabalu. Which would suck.

My god, tomorrow is going to be so boring. And for the rest of the week and next. This sucks.

Labels: fasting, gyl, sad

A friend and I were on the subject of dreams. What is my dream?

I do not have a dream. I had a dream, once before. Somehow it got lost along the way. I don't remember what it was.

For a person to not have a dream is like a compass without an arrow. I feel as though I am barely alive, and yet, I am still here. Where am I going? Do I have a plan? What do you dream of? I don't know. I feel so hollow, like a tree without its core; so abandoned, like a seed someone has forgotten to water.

It is like this life has no meaning. I'm afraid to be old and realise a dream but then it is too late.

I had a dream once.

Well I don't, anymore.

Labels: dreams

http://silenceana.deviantart.com/
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/
http://silenceana.deviantart.com/

Don't be lazy to look through my gallery. I've put up some shots from the gyl trip.

Labels: deviantart

Oh it's been hard. I turned into this emotional git and everything. I have anger problems. What do people do when they're angry?

Anyway, I visited Cedar on teacher's day. Would've stayed for the concert if it wasn't for the need to buy children stuffs for my trip to Batam. It was rather, dreamy, I suppose. I feel like everyone has changed, and I'm just here, stuck. I'm not going to lie that it didn't hurt, that place. How people were talking about A2s and A1s, and all I ever got was a goddamn fucking B3 for english. If I could change the past, I would never jog outside and get bitten by an infected mosquito. Maybe I would've turned out okay. Maybe if i wasn't so complacent and slept during english, I would've turned out okay. Maybe if I was bright enough, I would've been okay. Where the hell did my dreams venture to? I had dreams, you know, like wanting to be in NJ and everything, and all I got was like not even close to Innova. I feel goddamn stupid. I know my mother was devastated, and so was I. The shame I had to face, the cruel relatives. And my sister who has surpassed all my acheivements, getting all the glory and the goddamn gloating about RJC makes me want to disappear. I wish I was bright enough. I wish I wasn't this person who completely threw away her physics after her favourite teacher didn't teach her anymore. God knows how I felt going back to Cedar that day. I couldn't really look at the teachers in the eye. I resent myself. Secretly I was saying, ' I'm sorry. For all the extra lessons and time you wasted on me, and all I got was a fucking C.' There's no hope for me. I feel that my mother doesn't care anymore. I'm in this place, this really hopeless, failed experiment. I'm terrified to tell her that I cannot go to a university, simply because I'm never going to be smart enough. The day I would have to tell her that, would be the day I have to kill myself.

That won't be long though. Results will be released when I come back from GYL.
Just,
oh my god.

I just want someone to tell me I'm smart enough to live. Because right now, I don't feel I deserve any of this.

Labels: cedar, depressing, sad, school