I feel so weird giving praise or receiving it. Deviantart has been a great ride, slowly giving publicity and a channel where I can tell the world what I can do. There are brilliant artistic people there who are just normal people who make art without asking for anything in return. I've met great people there, people like Jack and James. My dear James, who I adore and love, and I have missed. James is my special friend because he is just as old as me, and we treat each other as equals, and we both are hungry for recognition. We both have gone beyond what we had imagined, which is such a good feeling. We're not angsty children, we are recovered people.


Rusydiah by ~silenceana on deviantART
The portrait of my little sister which I finished yesterday.

Ah, anyway, my sister is moving out of our room, so I would have to sleep and dwell alone. Change is probably a step I need to take for closure. I want to look forward and let go of things that I have so desperately hung on to. My room is a good example. At the moment it is a soft blue, which is calm and serene, and so much things have gone in there. That room, that colour, bears my life. I have a tendency to hold on to things that sometimes just carry no sentimental value. As much as I hate that room, that colour, that life, I still love it, I still want it, I want to keep it. But I know I can't live like that forever. I need to move on, I have to have closure, and finally say, 'I'm just not that person anymore. I have grown, I am growing, I am improving.' This is the point of no return. I am here, I can't go back to square one. Not that place, not that cold and dingy place. Days have passed and I just lie on my bed of bad memories (lol) and contemplate. It's not just a new bucket of paint. It's a change. It's moving on and not returning. I will miss it, I will bear the pain of change. But I've got to. I've got to conjure of the guts that's there to take that step. Of course I'm not ready. We will never be ready till we step up for the challenge. Just dip that brush in the can of red, Ana. Just fucking do it, Ana. We have to take that step someday in our lives. Why not now, Ana?

Once I take that step, I can't go back. I can't paint it back to the soft blue. It's not the same. The marks on the walls would be gone. The spirit of the room would be gone. Then let it be gone. It's just the part and parcel of letting go.

Labels: deviantart, letting go