I read an email regarding forgiving and forgetting. Easy said that done, I'd say. No matter how many analogies, convincing proses or poems used to support the fact that 'forgiving and forgetting is so much better than living with hate, resentment and bitterness,' it just fail to make me believe that it is so. Yes, I agree. Forgiving is easier than having to carry that weight of grudge around. But if I forgive, do they even care? Do they even care how much hurt they had inflicted? All I want to do is like, hurt them back, let them feel my pain and make them see that they are sorry.

Okay, I don't really get my point, but my point is, yes, I would forgive, when someone says that it's better. But, there's always the 'but then's. But then, but then, but then. Excuses to live with resentment in my heart. My mentality is that if I forgive people without letting them know how much pain they had caused me, they're going to keep doing and doing and hurt me again and again. And I keep forgiving and forgiving, until I get tired and say, 'fuck it, you're just not worth my forgiveness.' And then just become bitter with hate.

I'm guilty of bearing grudges. I'm guilty of being a pushover too. When people hurt me, I don't strike back. I don't speak out, I let the resentment and hate eat me up until I'm nothing. I'm trying to grow out of that and start speaking up. Oops, not try, I am growing out of it.

Not much though. A friend started being a bitch towards me and we stopped talking for a really long time. She came back one day and said she was sorry blah blah blah. My reply, 'I didn't even remember why we fought. It was a long time ago.'
The truth was I do remember. It had hurt me, and for nights I couldn't sleep. And I still haven't forgiven her eventhough I still talk to her.

Fucked up, isn't it. Apologies are just words if you fail to convince me that it means a whole lot to you. Simple. Show me that you're sorry, than that is another thing. I'm sorry, but being a bitch than a pushover is the key to survival. Fortunately, I'm not a bitch, yet.

It takes a whole lot of guts to forgive someone.

I forgive you for making my graduation fucked up that I went home in tears.

I forgive you for not being there.

I forgive you for asking me to die.

I forgive you for blah blah blah.

...

You CAN forgive, but it's not easy to forget. It's not easy to heal. The hurt will always be there, the wound would always be gaped open. Forgetting people's mistakes has to compliment forgiveness. If you can't forget, then you haven't forgiven. If you can't see your pain diminishing, the scars disappearing, then you didn't actually believe yourself when you said, 'I forgive you.' To remember one's mistakes indicate grudge. When will we be truly forgiving and just blow it off like a dead leaf?

So how do we go around this? Stop making mistakes. Stop hurting others. Stop being self-centred. When there are no mistakes, there's nothing to forgive. How do you start forgiving? I have no answer to that.

One day at a time, start voicing out your unhappiness. If you have something to say, say it. No point really, keeping it all inside. They won't know their own mistakes, until you tell them 'you have hurt me.' They are going to keep doing it over and over again until you speak up. People are flawed after all. They only care about themselves, most of the time.

So why waste your time bearing grudges? Start sewing the wounds, forget, and let go.

God is so forgiving. You keep making mistakes, and yet he still forgives you. (sorry for the digression haha.)


(I'm starting to sound like the catholic hypnosis guy. lol.)

Labels: growing up, letting go, random talk