Pardon me I'm half conscious and falling into a state of surreal daydream.

I think all of us should be grateful for what we have. When will we ever stop complaining about how rotten our lives are? Why do we always have to be disatisfied with everything?

I know I haven't been such a happy camper because I grumble a lot about things are going on in my life. Sometimes I just can't help but take a step back and notice the small things I should be grateful for.

I wish I had parents who talk to me, not ignore me as if I'm not there. I wish my friends would hug me and tell me that I'm going to be okay. I'm not okay, I'm recovering and falling, recovering and failing, recovering and falling back into the vicious depths of the unknown. Sometimes I think that I'm suffering on my own. When I sleep at night it's my eyes that water, it's my insides that hurt.

Talking to my girl friend about it was really hard. People read from my journal or my blog and sense a hint of disappointment and uncertainty I have about myself. It's harder to tell someone, face to face, I'm hurt, I'm broken, I'm waiting to be fixed.
But it was a relief that she didn't react badly or judge me. I'm really trying to make myself better. It dawned upon me that no one is ever going to fix me and I can't wait much longer. The longer I wait, I would kill myself eventually.


The trip back home was occupied with thoughts, being half conscious and pondering whether I had done was wrong. Sometimes all I have to do to make myself better was to step back and start being grateful.

I am grateful that I have the most supporting friends in the world. They're always saying, 'you can make it, just don't quit.' I am so grateful that whenever I am down I can just tell someone about it. I am grateful that there are those who care about me. Doesn't matter my parents are not concerned, at least, now, I know people do care.

I am grateful that I am artistically inclined.

I am grateful that I am kind, and compassionate.

I am grateful for the days my father talks to me and takes us out for a drive. I am grateful ten years ago I was a child in a car, looking up at the rows of trees in awe, as the tunes of beatles resounded from the radio. I am grateful there were days in my life I was innocent and free.

I am grateful for the smses.

I am grateful that I have the chance to take up a new sport. Though I really suck at floorball, I'm grateful that I still get rushes of adrenaline.

I am grateful that I gave up item 18. (You know what, kelvin. haha)

I am grateful that my blog gets a lot of traffic.

I am always grateful for the days I am genuinely happy.

I am grateful for my hot personality (lol.)

I am grateful...

for being in places with no light. I'm grateful that I've climbed out of there alive and say, "I'm going to be fixed, one day."

That's it for today. Half conscious and I'm going to collapse.

Labels: happy talk