The days that I have been spending in despair and bleakness have affected all the optimism, the hope, the life I had built with my bare hands over the course of a year. I had thought, wished, begged that 2008 would be brilliant for me. New beginnings, new life, a new and whole person. Was I a fool? Did happiness, did love deceive me then? Was I just a fool who believed things have finally taken a turn for the better, was I a fool who believed that she was free, was I a fool who believed that no matter where she turned there would always be a smiling face, a friendly kiss, a warm hug?

Did it occur to me that one day I might crack, fall deep into the vicious depths of the unknown, wishing I were dead? Where are the hot chocolate moments, why can I not recall the memories, where did I touch you?

I hate this. I'm sick of this life.

I want OUT. Please, please I'm begging, anyone, anyone. Please shake me, please grab my shoulders and shake me out of this black hole. Tell me it's not worth it. Tell me that I'm going to be okay. Please give me a reason to believe why I should LIVE. Tell me what I can be, tell me why, tell me why this is worth it.

Tell me why life isn't just about surviving. Tell me how to LIVE.
Teach me how to live.

Because I can't.
I can't anymore.

I don't know how to wake up and be thankful for everything. I don't know how to love the sunlight, I dont know how to open the windows, I don't know how to feel alive.

Make me cry. Make me love you like I am going to die. Make me care.
Because I want to feel again.
I don't want to kill myself.
Not because I still want to live.
Because it is wrong. And I would burn in hell forever.

The pain.
Too much,
I can't take it.
I want to plunge the dagger into my heart.

Where are the hopes and dreams?

Why the lies and screams? Why the nightmares, why the blood, why so much pain?

Why am I alone?

Why does it hurt? Where does it hurt?

Why am I here?

Labels: depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad