The days that I have been spending in despair and bleakness have affected all the optimism, the hope, the life I had built with my bare hands over the course of a year. I had thought, wished, begged that 2008 would be brilliant for me. New beginnings, new life, a new and whole person. Was I a fool? Did happiness, did love deceive me then? Was I just a fool who believed things have finally taken a turn for the better, was I a fool who believed that she was free, was I a fool who believed that no matter where she turned there would always be a smiling face, a friendly kiss, a warm hug?

Did it occur to me that one day I might crack, fall deep into the vicious depths of the unknown, wishing I were dead? Where are the hot chocolate moments, why can I not recall the memories, where did I touch you?

I hate this. I'm sick of this life.

I want OUT. Please, please I'm begging, anyone, anyone. Please shake me, please grab my shoulders and shake me out of this black hole. Tell me it's not worth it. Tell me that I'm going to be okay. Please give me a reason to believe why I should LIVE. Tell me what I can be, tell me why, tell me why this is worth it.

Tell me why life isn't just about surviving. Tell me how to LIVE.
Teach me how to live.

Because I can't.
I can't anymore.

I don't know how to wake up and be thankful for everything. I don't know how to love the sunlight, I dont know how to open the windows, I don't know how to feel alive.

Make me cry. Make me love you like I am going to die. Make me care.
Because I want to feel again.
I don't want to kill myself.
Not because I still want to live.
Because it is wrong. And I would burn in hell forever.

The pain.
Too much,
I can't take it.
I want to plunge the dagger into my heart.

Where are the hopes and dreams?

Why the lies and screams? Why the nightmares, why the blood, why so much pain?

Why am I alone?

Why does it hurt? Where does it hurt?

Why am I here?

Labels: depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad

"I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
-Notting Hill



-

I watched ScreenActorsGuildAward and then they showed the 'in memoriam' thingy where they were honouring actors who have passed on. Then a picture of Heath Ledger appears at the end and I actually had tears in my eyes.

Labels: boys, sad

I have not touched my notes since last Thursday. Reason?
You can't stop inspiration, you can't refuse the desire to create.

Behold, my first painting in two years. Haha.

CLICK HERE TO SEE MY PAINTING

Copy&Pasted rather loser-ishly from my 'Artist Comment' box:
'I have never used acrylic before, or even had the guts to paint anything in what seems to be two years. Reason being I suck at it.
However, recently I had come to know a remarkable person who turned out to be an amazing artist and a friend. Somehow, he inspired me to pick up a brush and just do it. Yesterday I went a little crazy and decided to paint. Was I wrong to listen to him? I do not know.
All I know is that I WAS happy with the result but the scanner ruined everything! I swear the colours are less subdued than that. It’s vibrant! Vibrant I tell you.
Well, it’s Kelv’s Secret Box of Magic Garlic. That’s why it’s green. Is this psychedelic? '

3 days left. 3 days until I can paint again.

Labels: art, deviantart

"Now Is Mine" by k's choice

My past, my future, my disease
Perhaps collapse to make me seize
A moment just a breeze
Greatful, humble I allow
These words to be the past somehow
I wonder
Am I here now
Am I here now
I feel, hear, see and it confuses me
I am wrong
I am here now
Is mine
I'll take it all around the world
Take my future past, it's fine
But now is mine

My precious present, will you bloom
To make this fourth dimension womb
Stop asking. Stop asking why
All I know is all I am
Will never fully understand my breathing
I try, how I try to feel, hear, see and it confuses me
I am wrong
I am here now
Is mine
I'll take it all around the world
Take my future past, it's fine
But now is mine

Labels: lyrics

I wrote this song in my head while on the train home.
PLEASE CLICK HERE TO SEE MY SONG
Enjoy. I kind of laughed at myself in the train.


Do you know the feeling of always having to wait in line? It's like for most part of your life you have been standing in line, waiting, waiting until the queue starts to move. And you see the other queues moving fast beside you, and you try to jump, but then it slows down again and you get stuck there? And you see you're friends have got the things they need, they're moving so fast, they've started to have lives, and you're still waiting? After what seems to be a lifetime, finally you get your turn and there's nothing left for you?

Labels: depressing

I am shaken by Heath Ledger's death. I wasn't a fan, but I was hoping to be when The Dark Knight comes. It's terrible, to lose life at such a young age. He was only 28.

Rest In Peace
Heath.


If I lay here,

if I just lay here

would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Labels: depressing

I can't fit in. I can't fit in. I can't fit in.

I feel sick to the core.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

I'm purposely making myself sick with all the compulsive eating. From eating almost nothing from friday to monday, today's lunch is considered a feast. Frozen food from freaking ntuc.

I am in a foul mood today. I stayed up all the day to 2am, studying, and tossed and turned all over the bed, and all over the floor and ceiling for over an hour. I had about 3 hours worth of sleep. When I woke up to go to school, my eyes actually HURT. It was something new of course. So exhausted. And I sat there listening to 'Disenchanted' over and over again. Till it was time to go to school.

To make the day even worse, the train took ages to come. I was just in time for my paper. When I reached, I was perspiring like no one cared. And the feeling I had while doing the paper was incredible actually. For a maths paper I'd usually start getting sweaty palms and start being all 'kan-chiong'. This time I just sat back and did it as if it were english. Haha, it felt awesome. SO FUCKING AWESOME WHEN YOU KNOW YOU STUDIED THE WHOLE FREAKING WEEKEND WITH NO BREAK OR SLEEP AND ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE STUFF. I swear I've never felt so happy doing a maths paper.

Well, of course, the answers are another thing. I'm praying so hard for a good pass. I worked so hard for this, please at least give me something to smile about. Dear god, please don't give me the olevel evils!

And on top of that my shirt really reeked of dampness. Ugh I hate it when they're not properly dried. So I was cursing throughout the paper, before the paper and a little after the paper.

I feel so shitty right now. Shitty and empty. Some things just don't happen I guess. I should stop putting my hopes up high for things. I'm about to be all manic depressive again and I don't think I should let anyone know about it because I don't want to be so needy.

But the truth is I am very needy. It's pathetic. Once I get someone I try to hold onto them like a leech. Maybe I don't show it, but deep inside I'm screaming for them to come back. Like now. It's so fucking sad but I think I'll live with it.
This is so expected of me. I used to be okay with being alone, with having no shoulder to cry on, or a ear I could deafen with my constant whining. Once someone offers me that, the kindness, the warmth, the good cup of loveeee, I start holding onto them. Because it's like, someone actually gives a shit whether you live or die. And when this person comes, you hold on to him or her, and never let go, because it could be all you have now. In the future, no one might care. So I'd like to hold onto this tiny scrap of hope in my life, so so fucking dearly.

Someone please get me away from My Chemical Romance. It's too emo for me. I want to die. =\

Labels: depressing, friends, sad

It's 2 minutes to midnight (LOL sounds familiar) now, and I'm taking a break from all the maths and mechanics. I have no idea which break is this exactly because I've been taking an amazingly number of timeouts today. From lying down on my self-made couch in my room, staring listlessly at the ceiling, watching the fan blades go round as if it was interesting, to listening to whatever depressing songs I can get my ears to endure.

Still, I feel nothing.

Yesterday I studied the WHOLE freaking day. And today it seems I cannot remember anything. I wish I had more time. Now I am sorely tempted to bang my head against the wall repeatedly until I suffer a concussion and probably lose a lot of blood, and then proceed to fall into unconsciousness for a few days at least, so they will not let me take the exams and still hope to pass, amazingly.

I can no longer take any more information or numbers into my head.

So how am I doing?

No progress. If progress include spiralling into the black hole, well yeah maybe. Everyone is so busy studying. Everyone is so busy fucking his or her own lives. And I could use a hug or two, a conversation to distract me from myself.

I need you like I need fucking air.

‘You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to ya’

i can't believe I'm listening to my chemical romance.
this just shows how sad I am.

Labels: depressing, sad

I tried not to think about someone. Then I realised there was nothing else. I am so fucking empty. I had no dreams, no purpose- suddenly I turned into this person who did not have anything to say, or to do, or thoughts that threaded in my mind. I was just someone thinking about someone else.

What is this cruel obsession, what are the deceiving dreams that seek to manipulate me with false signs and hope? This has changed me. The poet and artist is now gone. I have turned ordinary.

Fucking ordinary.

So I lie down on my bed and found myself thinking about nothing, nothing at all. No music, no screams, only the deafening silence. It was unsettling; it was different. I am no longer human. I did not feel anything, except emptiness. That my heart was hollow and carved out. It felt as if someone had eaten my heart and I could not feel again. And my mind was gone. I was incapable of thinking. It was just, empty.

I played some music and felt real again. But I was alive in the big black hole. Back into the big black hole that I detest. It was horrible. The sickening visions, the forsaken memories, started to drown me. I tried to weep but I could not. I could not feel anything, and my mind was empty still. The person had gone away, and now I am all alone.

Labels: depressing

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO SEE MY DRAWING
Yes, I shamelessly want more pageviews on my deviantart, hence I didn't put the preview thingy because people are just so lazy to see the full thing. It's is a drawing of Sweeney Todd, mind you. 8 hours, pencils.

and still, all i want to do now is draw.

stop me if you can.

Labels: deviantart, drawing, johnny depp

I really should not be allowed a pencil. Someone, quick, bind my hands or something! I just spent the last 5 hours drawing! And when it is less than a week left to exams. I've been listening to Phantom of the Opera again and again in the last 5 hours. Let's say I'm working on something, but I will not tell you what. But oh, that was the first time I'm drawing on the 'expensive' paper. It's sooooo good. I can actually see the difference. The graphite actually sticks onto the paper.

Why am I drawing instead of preparing for the exams? I'm just bothered by a couple of things. To get my mind of it is to draw. To draw is to run. I just needed to run. My mind is heavy right now to sort things out. It was just on impulse. I didn't really think about it and just drew the first thing I saw.

What's really freaking me out is that I have an IA test tomorrow and I know goddamn freaking nothing! Missing 2 practicals and never failing to be at least 30 minutes late for every lab is seriously smothering me now.

You know, I've never actually felt this way since like OLevels. I can't believe I am worried about exams one week before the thing itself. Why shouldn't I, when I'm trying to live the 3.999999999 dream?

Labels: blah, drawing

I feel vulnerable, I'm scared
I hang on every word like there's a hidden meaning
It caught me unprepared
Now I'm climbing up the wall that stands between us

I keep hoping it's my imagination
Playing tricks with my heart on this occasion
I've just got this sinking feeling

So who's gonna drown now the dam's about to break
Tell me if it's me
I gotta know
I'm strong enough to tell you that it's more than I can take
I'm just hanging by a thread, gotta feeling I'm in over my head
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know tonight

I feel naked, in your eyes
I'm so out of control it feels like I'm free-wheeling
Are we running out of time
I gotta find a way to stop this feeling

I keep hoping it's my imagination
Playing tricks with my heart on this occasion
But I've just got this sinking feeling

So who's gonna drown now the dam's about to break
Tell me if it's me
I gotta know
I'm strong enough to tell you that it's more than I can take
I'm just hanging by a thread, got a feeling I'm in over my head
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know tonight

Cos when you pull back the covers
It's one way or the other, oh yeah
It's getting closer to midnight
I gotta go
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know

So who's gonna drown now the dam's about to break
Tell me if it's me
I gotta know
I'm strong enough to tell you that it's more than I can take
Cos I'm just hanging by a thread, got a feeling I'm in over my head
Can't wait until tomorrow
Can't wait until tomorrow
Can't wait until tomorrow
Gotta know tonight

Labels: listless

When everything is falling into place, making this world so perfect, a man from my past returned. It makes me so confused, so scared, and yet I am so happy.
I pray to god that people change. I hope he did.

Labels: blah, depressing, sad

The main purpose of having a blog is to attract lots of unwanted attention isn't it? How come do I feel shy about what I write? Haha I know. My posts lack maturity, wittiness and a decent range of vocab for godsakes.

This is scary. The visitor counter has been increasing and I've always assumed it was Christine or Nettie just refreshing the page (LOLOLOL.)

Yes, Henry Ian Cusick is oh so sexy. Everytime axn plays repeats of LOST I just feel like licking the teevee screen and turn up the volume to the point of no return. I love scruffy people with scottish accents. (Haha I read the henry ian cusick forum post don't you know, since I have a super awesome stalking device!)

I should think before I blog.

Okay back to doing last minute reports and lying to my group members that I've finished. I feel so evil and irresponsible, as always.

Labels: blah, hot stuff

I AM SO LESBIAN RIGHT NOW.

Labels: random talk

Word is that my parents might bring me to the Middle East in June 2008. Insya’allah. (Lol I have used a muslim word!) Well I struck a deal with them long ago and I have been waiting for it. But…

I do not know if I am worthy for it. Or even prepared for such holy beginnings (haha!) Or staying for possibly 2 weeks, 24/7 with my parents.

I wish I could say I was grateful because venturing beyond South East Asia could be the best thing that will happen to my life. Haha but things are uncertain, money and all. I am half-heartedly hoping that it would happen.


Pardon the digression, but I am and very addicted to V For Vendetta than ever before.
And how come there is nothing good on teevee? Eversince arts central stopped showing Brainiacs, my life has been dull and I am unable to be geeky about crazy science.

Labels: travelling

I’m hopelessly optimistic that good things are going to happen to me in 2008.

I'm going to start the new year with a 300 calendar hung on my wall.

Tehehehe. Yes, I bought it. Even Dilios owns a month!

Okay time to start losing weight, people.

Labels: 300, happy talk, operation seth