'I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back to when things were normal. When I wasn't "Poor Izzie" laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her- her dead fiance. But I am. So I can't. And I'm- I'm just stuck. And there is all this pressure cause everyone is hovering around me waiting for me to do something. Or say something, or flip out, or yell and cry some more and I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't- I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't- I don't know who this person is. How did this happen? How did we end up here? Why am I alone? ' -Izzie Stevens.

Labels: sad

I ATE BEEF! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I FEEL SO DEPRESSED! My mother didn't tell me that she had put beef into the potato. I was feeling ravenous, so I took it and ate it. And I ate 2 potato thingies! And my sister suddenly said, 'do you know there is beef inside?' OMG I freaked out! It's disgusting. I can't believe I ate beef. Oh my god, the cows must be angry at me. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. I'M DISGUSTED AT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. AND I SAW MY MOTHER MAKING MORE OF THE POTATO THINGIES, AND I FELT SICK. I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP. OH MY GOD, I ATE FUCKING BEEF. I'm just really upset right now. I just, can't convey it. I just thought you know, it's just a non-beef life I'm living, but I didn't really know it would affect me so much. I'm really sad. Sad and angry. My parents don't want to understand why I don't eat beef. Ugh. I'm a horrible person.

I'm so sorry cow who died. I didn't mean to make you die for me.

Labels: beef, depressing, food, sad

I think people flaunting their self-inflicted hate(in pictures) is disgusting. I don't know why they like to show their dirty laundry in public.

As you know, I'm still brooding over my accounting paper. I don't feel like touching my Ematerials. I just want to give up all together. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking of the pathetic paper being marked.

Ah, someone give me a tight slap.

And a tornado just attacked my room.

Labels: blah, business class, depressing

I think I tried too hard to be a superwoman. It's like my lecturer said, 'You are intelligent, but you're also very lazy.' Procrastination is killing me, man. It's not like I learn from mistakes, ever. Alas, my Accounting paper today has left me in a state of dire worthlessness, humiliation, stupidity and disdain. I knew I could have done it better if I studied the day before, not like 4 hours before the paper! I feel like I could beat myself up, kick my big fucking ass, mutilate my skin.

You know, the shame I would have to endure when the lecturer (who I have taken fancy to) marks my paper. He would think I'm hopeless. I can't believe how I could go from 50, to 77, to the vicious depths of the unknown.

Of course, it always pays to be optimistic. (Please please God, let me get an A or something as nice as that!)

I'm bored to death, I have knitted 1/10 of a sweater and I am bored. I feel sad.

Labels: business class, depressing, sad

Tell me again why I should never ever read all 7 Harry Potter books during the exam period. Of course, I'm the sort of person who always put Harry above other things, and I'm insane to be studying lesser than what I've been reading.

I think I've read Deathly Hallows for 3 times in like a month already.
And I actually cried a lot this time.
And cried a lot in HBP and a little less in Ootp.

Oh why does it have to end? Why did Lupin and Fred have to go, just like Sirius did? And oh, Snape... Snape, what a tragedy.

This is why books pose a threat to me. I can't handle finishing a book that well.

Labels: harry potter

I'm going to destroy myself now. It's not like I promised God I wouldn't do it. My parents made me hate them so much, so yeah I think I'm going to kill myself, slowly. Hey, it's not my fault if they're shitty parents who never asked about my personal struggles. I'm going to drag them into hell with me.

Bye.


This is going to be a bitchy post about 'dirt' again.

It's the issue of being treated like fucking dirt. There is this certain someone I particularly feel like strangling. First, he isn't as big sized as me to begin with. Yes, he is a boy, and a gay one at that. I hate him! I really do! It makes my blood boil seeing him! I wish he would fail the extra modules I'm taking so he would not be able to be in the same extra classes as me. Fucking idiot.

He is really rude, he looks like he has a pole stuck up his ass. Oh yeah, I know you're a rich boy, but that doesn't mean you get to throw your fucking horrible eyes at me, loser! He thinks he's like all that, when everyone else fucking hates him and talks behind his back. I've never actually found anyone from poly as revolting as him! (Not even the smelly boy Nadya hates!)

The other day he got into the lift, and I decided to be nice and say 'hi'. What I received was this ruddy behaviour of his- nose up high, ignoring me. Fuck you sissy! I don't even know why I bother being nice at all. He does that to me all the time! (He even called my father a company slave! Just because my dad isn't like a CEO or something.)

He treats me like dirt, and when his boy friends run away from him, he follows me, and says 'oi!' like a stalker. I don't need people who treat me like shit following me around! I don't need people treating me like dirt making use of me because he's alone, fucking alone! UGHHHHH.

And again I ask myself the same thing, why am I still nice to him?

So you know, unfortunately, I had to be in the same group as him for my extra module. He's shitty in that subject, managed to earn a fail in it, and I wanted an A so badly for the project. So I stupidly asked him to help out, and he gives me this whole chunk of information he nicked from his group mate, totally irrelevant to the question, so I had to do the whole fucking thing again! HONESTLY, HOW COULD ANYONE BE THAT STUPID? Recommending growth strategies for a company doesn't mean stating what the company has already done, stupid.

So he texted me, like so rudely, whether it was okay. I felt bad deleting everything, so I wrote this really long kind reply, like, 'oh it was okay, we had to add in stuff you know. you got the points right though. can you give me the links you found the information?' And this is NICE to me. His reply, ' so it is okay or not?' really really pompously. Fuck you man. Of course it isn't okay. Of course you screwed up, you imbecile! Now I have to spend like 2 more hours repairing your shit. If I fail my ED test, I'm going to put a hex on you.

It's like he doesn't have any friends, is it? Why does he send me text messages, making use of my informative nature? Oh he asks me a lot of things, I regret that someone ever gave him my number. And it's like, I cant ask him a question, only he does! He doesn't reply to my urgent messages, and he expects me to reply him ASAP. Just fuck off! Why not ask his fucking boy friends? Oh my god, I'm getting crazy entertaining this insolent boy! He's a horrible horrible skinny man. Even I have more arm hair than he. His such a fucking sissy and a loser.

I'm sick of that virgin. Oh he asked me this really urgent question today, and I've decided to be so mean and not reply at all. (Then he can't do his report. So I'd go 'ha! ha! ha!' I hate people who don't listen in class.) If you want someone to be kind, you should ask nicely and courteously. He made a big mistake by giving me that condescending tone, like he bought me to answer his demands. He can just fuck off and fail every module. I don't give a shit anymore.

I don't take people treating me like dirt.

Labels: annoying, dirt

In the last 24 hours I have experienced violent moodswings. I don't know how I got to swearing and loathing someone so excessively, to floaty and light with hearts around my head, then to a severe state of depression.

I almost told someone to 'fuck off' today, because they pissed me off by shoving and stuff.

I should really stop listening to sad songs.

Lo! I am forlorn and my heart is throbbing with madness. Alas, I know that it is a dream that I crave. The ugly girl has no favours from the lord. The ugly girl has been cursed to dwell alone in the forbidden mountains.

I think I would need a dusty vulture hat to make that vision complete.

Oh, so alone. Oh, so unbearable to be undesired. I would need to sing a lamentation for myself.

Labels: sad, sickly talk, song

I am officially the report writing queen! (I'm done!)

It's the marketing report that is taking a toll on me. It's a curse I have to bear for being so *coughs* proficient *coughs* in english. And holy shit, I have not even touched my Engineering Design yet, and my test is on Wednesday.

I don't know why I'm complaining a lot. Being in Cedar for like 4 years should have prepared me for like, assignments and tests rammed into like a short period of time. But I never did homework in Cedar or studied for tests, anyway. I have 'DEAD' marked on my forehead. How could I be filthy rich in the future if I'm so lousy academically?

No, must not think that way. My name is 'Rafhana', and in some language it means 'filthy rich'. So somehow I would be rich eventually. Lucky I never changed my name to 'Aisling' which means 'a vision' (though that could be good too because I want to be desirable and get married to a scotsman).






And to those who watch Ugly Betty:
Oh my god, Santos died! I almost cried at the end, it's so tragic.

Labels: school