I feel so weird giving praise or receiving it. Deviantart has been a great ride, slowly giving publicity and a channel where I can tell the world what I can do. There are brilliant artistic people there who are just normal people who make art without asking for anything in return. I've met great people there, people like Jack and James. My dear James, who I adore and love, and I have missed. James is my special friend because he is just as old as me, and we treat each other as equals, and we both are hungry for recognition. We both have gone beyond what we had imagined, which is such a good feeling. We're not angsty children, we are recovered people.


Rusydiah by ~silenceana on deviantART
The portrait of my little sister which I finished yesterday.

Ah, anyway, my sister is moving out of our room, so I would have to sleep and dwell alone. Change is probably a step I need to take for closure. I want to look forward and let go of things that I have so desperately hung on to. My room is a good example. At the moment it is a soft blue, which is calm and serene, and so much things have gone in there. That room, that colour, bears my life. I have a tendency to hold on to things that sometimes just carry no sentimental value. As much as I hate that room, that colour, that life, I still love it, I still want it, I want to keep it. But I know I can't live like that forever. I need to move on, I have to have closure, and finally say, 'I'm just not that person anymore. I have grown, I am growing, I am improving.' This is the point of no return. I am here, I can't go back to square one. Not that place, not that cold and dingy place. Days have passed and I just lie on my bed of bad memories (lol) and contemplate. It's not just a new bucket of paint. It's a change. It's moving on and not returning. I will miss it, I will bear the pain of change. But I've got to. I've got to conjure of the guts that's there to take that step. Of course I'm not ready. We will never be ready till we step up for the challenge. Just dip that brush in the can of red, Ana. Just fucking do it, Ana. We have to take that step someday in our lives. Why not now, Ana?

Once I take that step, I can't go back. I can't paint it back to the soft blue. It's not the same. The marks on the walls would be gone. The spirit of the room would be gone. Then let it be gone. It's just the part and parcel of letting go.

Labels: deviantart, letting go

I am just very good at accents. Not speaking them, but understanding the people with strong accents. Not blowing my trumpet or anything, it's just something I realised I can do. I watch a lot of tv and read a lot of articles, and it contributes to my 'ability'. I love strong Scottish and Irish accent. My Adam usually goes, 'Nah, you wouldn't be able to understand me, I have such strong accent!' He's always wrong because I totally get him. And I have a classmate who has his own strong myammar accent, and when he presents the class just doesn't understand him (and the spiteful glances are so fucking rude.) and the pitiful girls just don't get him during practicals, so I just sorta have to repeat what he was saying to them. I don't understand why people just don't try to understand.

One of my favourite movies is Billy Elliot, and I have the vcd, without subtitles. They were Irish, and sexy (Jamie Bell was, at least.) The 'Fuck' were more outstanding to my ears at that time, but now I'm just okay. It's nuttin'.

Aha, you should hear Kimi Raikonnen's accent. My dad can't get him at all.

Accents are just lovely, and sexy. It turns me on. (From the words of Vincent, Project Runaway 3.) Oh yeah, I'll definately try to marry someone with an (Scottish) accent. Scotland is a beautiful place. It's filled with ancient marks and history, and culture. I have been obsessed with Scotland since I was introduced to Juliet Marillier years ago. And Lucias Tears from my DA takes such beautiful pictures of Scotland, it's just surreal. It's magical. I could just see from the pictures without the subtitle that it's Scotland. There's just something there that just draws you into it, into the mountains and rocks and the lakes, the castles.

Labels: accents, juliet marillier, scotland

I have been Butlerized. Okay well, I have been doing absolutely nothing, but playing stocks the whole day, while watching Gerry's interviews and news, and being on the messageboard. Haha, my new obssession is hsx. My net worth has gone down by the thousands, and I bought 25000 shares of Batman Dark Knight, loss a lot of money, invested in Gerard lost, but gained a lot more. I bought loads of 300, and it's currently the most I've earned from something. And it's unfair, because I introduced my sister to this whole hsx thing, and she's worth more than me. I don't know how it goes about actually. I buy shares in moderation, buy in thousands, and what have you. It's exciting seeing the money grow. Of course it's not real money, or I'd be a millionaire right now. It's Hollywood money. A T-shirt costs 8Million. We have to be THAT good just to get dressed.

I've also been reading Robert Burns writings. He has such passion and love. I've been reading them aloud in my 'improving' scottish accent. Not like I get all of the scottish oldspeak. But still, I get the chills reading some of his stuff and feel all sorts of things. And Butler is playing Burns! I bet it's going to be all sexy and lusty. He was born to play Burns. It's a great thing that this movie is going to be made. They're telling the story of this poet who wasn't born in a wealthy family, and he's a scots man. I don't have words for such a movie as this. I just thought it would be great that it would be released on Robert Burns' 250th anniversary, retelling the story of an extraordinary man so that he can be remembered. There is no one better to play Burns than someone who is so passionate about the man himself.

Right, and my mum would be flying off to Taipei tommorow for work. I'd have to cook and send my sister to bed. I am so happy that we no longer have a maid, and would never have any again. Though we have to do more things around at home and be more responsible, the freedom and privacy is worth all that. It's not that bad actually, once you get the rhythm going. I mentioned to my sister that our family is so 'Brady Bunch'. We are so traditional, that we find everyone else's families so weird. Like when you don't have dinner together, or you hardly talk to your siblings, or talk back to your parents. We don't do that around here. We're all about singing and 80s and moral values. Haha. My dad even has curly hair, and my sister wears an apron.

Labels: burns, gerard butler, movie

I've been listening to 300 soundtrack from the moment I got back, till now. I love Azam Ali's voice, I wish I could find the lyrics and knew what it meant. 'Goodbye my love' , 'message for the queen' and 'remember us' makes me what to rip my skin off. I just want to watch it again, be in that moment, cry for the queen, rejoice for Dilios at the end.

Queen Gorgo is like Leonidas' soulmate. She is a strong, hardy woman, who doesn't fight behind her husband, but beside him. She doesn't shed a tear, she takes care of herself, and does anything that might give Spartan's hope. The scene where they made love was so vital in portraying that they were husband and wife, not just king and queen. It was just so sad for her to succumb to Theron.

Haha, Gerard Butler is currently number 1 on IMDB, with David Wenham 5th. I am so happy for them, especially for David! It was so dissapointing that he (David) only went to the LA premiere. That stupid Xerxes, Rodrigo. He didn't act as much as I expected, yet he travels here and there, and give this interviews and stuff. David is so much shadowed. =[

Anyway, I'm still so estatic (and sad) about 300, that I've been bickering about it all night long. (Oh god, I've been jabbering about Gerry for weeks now, my sisters must be so sick!) I must watch it another time, or else, I might fall ill. (The other time, I said I must watch 300 or I will die. But I feel my life fulfilled after today, but I still got to watch it another time, without the having to pee part. I know I will be seriously ill if I don't watch it another time.) Damn, they have the replica of the Spartan sword and the shield online, but doesn't ship outside us. I would give anything for one of those.

I'm still not getting over the 'he once was creedy.' He's risen so much. Before 300, not many people knew him! My Creedy is King now. *sniffs*

Labels: 300, david wenham, gerard butler, movie

I am so pumped right now. I got in. I watched 300. Like a true Spartan, Spartan's never retreat, Spatan's never surrender. (Laughs) I couldn't even describe how anxious I was, 'What if they don't let me in? I wouldn't know what to say!'

I have been left speechless really. It's beyond my vocabulary to describe it. It was hard to concentrate at the beginning, when I heard David Wenham narrate. Because I love my David, I wanted to squeak. So I told myself, I've been waiting for this all year, don't let my love for Wenham blur my vision. Lo! Wenham was truly sexy beyond words. Two of my favourite actors in one movie that I've been waiting for. (So you know how disappointed I was when I found out it was m-18) Gerry was sexy, he had the most amazing body. I read about all the work he did, and his co-stars thought him insane. (Just too bad, he won't keep that shape anymore.) When I saw Gerry's ass, I wanted to shout, 'Oh my god, Gerry has an beautiful well toned ass.' But I've seen Wenham's before, and it was sexier and had dimples on them. (HEHE FUCKKKK.)

I got used to it immediately. I read a lot of reviews, saying that it looked more of a video game and you had to get used to it. But oh, the pauses in action sequences, the cgi skies, the flying heads- I loved it. I fucking loved it. It wasn't only the battle scenes that I craved for. The love of King Leodinas and the Queen was so real and emotional, that you could actually feel it. The King goes into battle with his queen on his mind. When he said, 'my queen, my wife, my love,' Ah, just got me right there. The Queen would do anything for her king, and it was so sad (when the blah blah blah... watch it you doofus.) I would have loved it even if it wasn't Gerry or David in it. They just made it better. Oh, fuck, I want to watch it again. I want to be a Spartan man.

But 45 minutes into the movie, I had to pee. I waited until the scene of Dilios (Wenham) and the King (Gerry) to end before I ran like the wind to the washroom. What a spoiler!

300 was intense, exciting, gripping. Every scene was memorable. A true masterpiece. The CGI, OST, and actors were brilliant. And I found the right words to say about this film.

IT IS FUCKING BRILLIANT.

And what I've learned from this, was about honor, pride, and that Spartan women has tiny tits but Persian women has huge ones.

I bought the soundtrack, because I just needed to relive the moments. And now I have a clearer idea about what I want to write to Gerry when I get on my fan letter. Haha, so long and farewell.

Labels: 300, david wenham, gerard butler, movie

I came online with an intention to write about chimpanzees, but I visited GB.net first so all the raw emotion is gone. I am just going to do the boring old stuff. Yes, about Gerry.

I think it's weird when you see an actor go so far. It's like yesterday he played Creedy in Reign of Fire, and suddenly he is King Leonidas. Haha, I don't like girls who like a certain actor after something really big happens to him. Like Johnny Depp. A lot of girls went crazy over him when they saw Pirates of the Carribean. It's the same with Gerard Butler. I think I could just go, 'I loved him since CREEDY, and you only loved him when he played Phantom.' Lol. The more fame gets to someone, they have lesser and lesser time with their fans, because they've got to go here and there, do projects and all the stuff that actors do. Which is sad. But it's a good thing they're being busy. Because then we'd see more of them on screen!

I don't think I've ever mentioned this before - I liked this band called Natural. Boyband stuff I was crazy about when I was 14. I actually won an autograph picture of the band and some posters. (Which was so amazing because it's the only thing that I've won in my entire life, and I didn't think I was going to get it, since I lied that I was American. Haha, so they had to ship it all the way over to Singapore.) And my best friend at that time, Steffo got Patrick King to wish me happy birthday when they were on tour in Germany. Man, best days on my life. The guys would sometimes drop by the message board. There was once I went there and no one was online except me with one of the guys, Josh, I think. So cool. And then Sarah Connor married Mark who was lead vocalist, and everyone called her yoko, cause Mark was going to leave the band. Then the band sort of broke into pieces, and Lou Pearlman wanted to make a new band with totally different people, and only Patrick (my favourite.) would be the original one. And their name would remain Natural. WTF. A lot of us were angry. And that time Patrick hung around the message bord often, to explain the situation. I kinda said something disrespectful to him, about being 'original' blah blah. (Irony, because I owned the only Patrick King fanlisting, which has just been removed because I wasn't keen to look after it, since my interest in Patrick King was lost.) I was so fucking scared to return. But then I did, few days later to see what he had replied. I was banned. Lol. So I set up a new account, went to the BenBledsoe message board (another guy originally from the band) and hung around there a lot. Ben is a nice guy. He is so free to chat with his fans and stuff. I haven't returned. I hope he is doing good now. And 'Natural' the remake of the old band, never took off. They sucked really. So now they're no longer signed. Poor Patrick. Never trust Lou. Didn't they learn from Nsync and BSB? Oh well. Josh got married after that, and Micheal is dating this actress whose name can be found on imdb.

I really want to blog about the chimps. Haha, next time.

Labels: gerard butler

Reasons why I am a happy shit.

1) I have bought the Phantom of The Opera DVD, watched it again last night, and am completely obsessed with Phantom & Gerard Butler. I watched the special features and I feel that my life has been fulfilled. (Gerry is amazing and sensational and hot and I love his teeth.)

2) I bought Shantaram.

3) I am going to wrap Shantaram.

4) I am going to finish a portrait of my sister today.

5) Someone new has added me on their watchlist.

6) Gerry Butler is a scots man, and I love Scottish men.

7) I think I am going to make a list of hot men.
(Johnny Depp, Barry Pepper, Christian Bale, Gerard Butler, David Wenham, Joseph Sitora, and etc.)

8) I think I will try to drill a hole in my bedroom wall so I can hang up my LOTR framed poster.

9) I have memorised most of the script of LoTR, mostly in TTT and ROTK. But the point is, I am going to watch PoTO a million more times and memorise the script. Haha okay, I am a freak.

10) I love Gerry's teeth, Barry's nose, Johnny's jaws, Wenham's nose, Bale's lips.

Now the bad news.

1) Cousins are here, so I can't sing for 2 weeks, no privacy, stupid noisy kids, smelly toilet, stupid boys.

2) I am fat. Haha, oh wait, I don't think I've said that before.

3) I love Gerry and far away men. Which means, I don't like nearby boys. Which means I don't care about how I look. Which means, acne is taking over my life.

I could go on and write a book about my plight. So I guess I will stop now.

Labels: barry pepper, gerard butler, phantom of the opera, stupid obsessions

Gerard Butler is LOVE. Okay, I am going to call him Gerry now. I went Gerry crazy after watching Reign of Fire, and I've just watch Phantom of the Opera, and I love him more.

Phantom of the Opera is depressing and it makes me want to cry for months and kill myself. Alone, for the rest of his life. It's like he was fated to be so alone because of his deformity. And the song 'learn to be lonely' is just so heartwrenching, I think I could die.

Okay well, I love Gerard Butler.

Gerard Butler is LOVE.
He is the SEXGOD.
The nice man.
Shit, I want to marry him.

Labels: gerard butler, phantom of the opera

Hello, it's mr suckadoodle! Grah, my life sucks, if you haven't heard. I am not ready for the new year of school and computer mad labs and drilling stuff. I'm just not into it. Well, I'm still 17, I haven't made any money, or have a job, or have a body that is not fat. Maybe I'm not a selling person sort. Maybe I can't knit. Maybe I am just a waste of space and time. I don't want this. I don't know where the hell to put myself. Maybe a shelf, or someplace dark? No, I don't want to do anything that is beneficial right now. All I've been doing these past few days is watch documentaries and caring about little kittens or dogs on Animal Planet.

Why can't I be a normal stupid kid who has nothing on her mind?


I am so psyched. Like hawhaw happy. I finished my Barry Pepper drawing. Don't be lazy, just see it in full size. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/50970805/

Hurrah, I can throw a party now!

Labels: barry pepper, drawing

I AM ADDICTED TO 'FRIENDS'. I meant Friends in Manhattan, Chandler blah blah blah. I have been doing absolutely nothing but watch 'friends' back to back. (What do you think an idiot I was, why would I be even addicted to my friends? Haha.) Okay well, I have to wait until I get my allowance for another month before I buy season 3 and 4. I can actually do it, since I have around hundred bucks saved last month, but I have this Nikon to think about.

I feel lower than rock bottom. As Rachel Green puts it, 'Rock bottom, a pile of crap, and then me.' You know what, maybe 300 would be a bad idea. I'm not perky, I can't be fucked to ask my parents if I could go out in the evening, and you're right, I still have to grieve over the yucky results I got. (GPA half of what I had for Semester One) It's like, school just adds to my value loss. Knowlegge learnt - minus infinity. Hey look at what Olevels did to me. I hate school, I hate Mechanical Engineering, I hate godfuckingmalechauvanistwhomakesmefeel*this*big.

I see Adam and he is having such a great time, just living, just being Adam. I want that. I want to be fun, be Ana. I don't want to be Rafhana. She's no fun. Ana is funny, Ana is fun, Ana does whatever she wants. I want Ana. (It's Ann-na, not Ah-na. I'm not trying to be so picky about it, but An-na just kinda stuck.) I don't even think I should even be here. I want roommates, I want awesome friends who speaks english and are witty. I don't want to be stuck in a dingy ole flat with my ma. This place that I'm at doesn't let me explore or be Ana. I miss good ole Ana who hung out and ate too much lauks and too little rice at the canteen. I miss good ole Ana who thought she was vegetarian. I miss the good ole Ana who joked about Brazilian wax and penises and it wouldn't be an offense to anyone. I miss my secondary school friends. =[ We were so smart and so witty and we loved bouncing breasts but hated Avril's big boobies. (*coughs*BudakCanadaTu*coughs*) (And I made up the bouncing breasts, haha) I miss the good ole Ana who liked to run and go to the gym. Now it's like, I can't make sex or racist jokes because they don't take it well. Everything is too gross. Fuck, I like gross. I like grinding dicks with a cheese shredders and make dick sushi.

Okay, well we're here now. I'm here. I was forced to grow up and I am not taking it too well.

By the way, I love you Chandler Bing. He has totally got that Johnny Depp nose going on.

Labels: friends

When April comes and school opens, I'm going to be a potato sack, with a very burnt pizza face with all the little pepperoni and crinkly salami. I happen to have nice feet, thank you very much. I love my feet because they have this slipper tan line. And I love my feet since ever, so say no more. If you dare disagree, I'll kill you!

I just spent 120 dollars on 2 season of 'Friends'. When will I get a nikon d40? Like, next next year?

Labels: feet fetish

I know I'm violating the whole 'isolation' thing, but this is really really urgent.

I WANT TO WATCH 300 SO BADLY OR I'LL DIE, SO I BEG YOU 18 YEAR OLD KIDS CHAPERONE ME IN. HAHAHAHA. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?


I have come to a decision that -

I need time out. I need to go to the chill room and get some ice. By the time I come back I hope I'm okay. Right. It's hard with all these people bustling around me and looking so happy and right. Yes damn it, I wish I was happier than anyone else.

So goodbye, goodnight, goodluck. I think 2 weeks is long enough. No internet except checking the email for important stuff, and I will turn off my phone. Yes, I need isolation. Alone. Alone. I need to negotiate with the angry devil inside, and wish to redeem myself. Because I'm afraid if I see another happy kid I might bash his guts out.

So long.

Labels: chill