Okay, so I haven't really sat down for 2 hours straight being online. Guess what, I don't care about it too much. I've been shitty, I ate proper meals and you don't know how I despise myself for that. Apple diet, tommorow. Willpower, strength, vision.

Focus, Ana, focus!

Let's put that aside and talk about the brighter things in life. Ah yes, my sister bought Goong, or namely Princess Hours. I never thought I'd like it, but guess what? I've been cooped up in my room watching it! YAY go me. It made me happier, I forget about the shit around. If my parents yelled at me, I'd be fine watching it.

But now I guess Monday is coming, shit is starting again. I fucking hate my parents and no, I won't fucking take that back. You don't know how obnoxious and rude they are, that it's impossible to not hate them. I don't know, I despise them for being some kind of a hypocrite. Hey look guys, totally perfect family, 4 girls, young parents, a reasonably large house, a car, a maid... blah blah blah, all the girls cover their heads and stuff, they attend this, that... BLAH. My parents strive to be oh so holy saints with halo and feathers and stuff when the state of this house is like shit. I saved my sister from my mum so that her down-there won't get burned when she was a kid, I defensively objected to my mum's cruel suggestion that my sister should eat shit for getting band 2 in her subjects, okay fuckkk I hate it. I hate defending people and my opinions. They are so fucking narrowminded, if you made a suggestion, they would blow you up. Like, BOOM. Oh yeah, like it's a big deal. Why the fuck do I get most of the blame. Hell yeah like their sarcastic remarks never affected my life. Okay fine, I'm lazy, and I can't stand being pushed around like a fucking cow with no brain that is why I've started to retaliate. I'm so sick of them not caring or giving a shit. It's always give, give, give. FUCK. I hate it. I hate this fucking mask they make me wear, I hate the values they fucking taught me, I hate living up to expectations. Yes mum and dad, I live for you. I don't do what I love because I know you hate it. I'm doing subjects that I hate because you want me to be sucessful. I was in Cedar because you wanted to. Well you see, your charm didn't work when I failed to get good results for Os isn't it? Must've put great shame to your name.

GRAHHHHHH. I must not live in the past. I must not. But I can't help it.

I fucking hate it when you throw things on the floor and expect us to pick it up. I hate being your fucking trash. You don't remember anything, but I do.
I remember every single fucking slap, kick, bruise.
And I can't fucking move on.
I can't.

I said I'll never love you like other people love their parents. I will never give you a genuine hug.

Everytime they come near me or mum come close to hugging me, I try to avoid it. Tears start welling up and I feel like shit. Everything sinks inside of me and I desperately want to die. It has always been like that.

I hate myself because I know you do too.

Now I don't know anymore. I just want to fucking scream. I wish you understood me better. I wish you could open up. I wish I could've told you how afraid I am of you.

BLAH.

Stop. I need to stop. It's just the way life is, and I just have to deal with it. Deal and live with it till I get a career and move out.

I don't know why, but I feel shit whenever I get out of the house. I hate being ugly.
God, I'm so ugly, people must hate me for that.