When the shit crashes in, I forget everything. For example, since last night's entry I mentioned that I haven't eaten since breakfast. Well you know what, I completely forgot about eating, or made myself forget, despite the angry growls of my stomach and the feeling of warm acid pressing along my stomach walls. I haven't eaten since yesterday's breakfast to till today 6pm. At 5pm I realised it has been more than 24 hours since I ate anything, and rejoiced at the thought of it. Willpower! It wasn't on purpose. I was too occupied, too sad, too despondent. Ah well, I've put a stop to it. I won't go on for another 24 hours because I won't let my metabolism fuck up, again. I drank peach tea, ate an apple and popped some skittles into my mouth. I know it's not enough, because I can't see my blood vessels and I still feel cold. I'm really sleepy and tired right now, and my hands are cold. Not my fault for the hunger strike. I didn't have anyone to go to lunch with, today. Hah.

Funny I should type it here.

I feel so retarded and sick to the bones(FAT, rather.) I feel hopelessly sad. My heart is crumbling, my thoughts scattered. I'm so worried about my studies. I'm so worried and terrified of failing.

Thermofluids test today was okay. Thank you, Jasmine for the thoughtful advice. Really saved my ass, I think. From now till I get my paper back, I shall dread about Mechanics. It's been bugging me. And Electronics, Engineering maths, and OC presentation. I don't even know a shit about Electronics, and never got anything right in maths since secondary school when I took Amaths. Ahhh.

Oh by the way, I'm pleased with my Electronics lab test results. When the tutor called my name, I went, 'Oh no! He's not going to scream out my marks cause I did badly.' But he went, 'Rafhana! 80!' YAY. A burst of happiness, finally. I could've gotten more, if I wasn't so careless. I have my class rep and some classmates to thank. I wouldn't have known what to do if I wasn't thick skinned enough to bug them with questions.

My GEMS class today was depressing. These few days have been terrible. I'm undergoing retardation; I forget this, forget that, my painting looks like shit, and everything I do seems like shit to me. It's not good enough. I'm not good enough. After this I'm going to tear my finished painting and do another one from scratch. It's hideous.

I so badly want a break from life. I want to lay in my deep slumber, and wake up thin, clever, beautiful. I wish God would grant me that. One night I sleep as Raf, and wake up as a vision.

See, I'm probably typing rubbish now. I don't understand myself. I'm just so SAD, and that is it. I'm just so awfully and terribly sad. I don't even know how to fix this.

I think I should go and study, now.

Please tag my board and send me condolences on my pathetic dimwitted life. And send me roses too. I'm momentarily dead. R.I.P RAFHANA.

EDIT: mum is buying macdonalds. NOOOOOO.
that's like, 300++ calories into my daily intake.
I ate an apple, 200 calories, skittles don't know how much, and tea.
I estimate about 500 calories already.
Plus that horrible burger it's going to be 800 or more.
I'm so going to get fatter.
=[
i won't eat it. I will secretly donate to someone who needs it more than I do.