Chee sing will be going to malaysia for a few days. *sobs*
I'm such a fucking sod. He lent me dvds to watch to occupy myself. I think I would have to switch my phone off. Haha so I wouldn't be anxious and start pulling my hair off. Take good care of your ass Kelvin.

(please remind me to delete this post when chee sing comes back.)

Yesterday I had a very enlightening experience and I saw hewhomustnotbenamed in a new light and fell in love with him all over again. It was the part of him that I never understood, the spritual side, the kinder side. When he turned to tell me he wasn't a good person, I could scarcely believe it because he was the most beautiful person I had ever known and the person sitting beside me was hardly a bad person at all. I feel remorseful for pushing him to commit sins because I never understood his connection to god. To me everyone is just as hopeless in their beliefs and I just wish I had that kind of devotion. I run from conversations about religion because it makes me uneasy. But I learned (but not practice) that we should not blame god for things that has happened to us, or be angry because he left us to suffer and shake our lives by taking someone dear to us away. Rather, we suffer because of the consequences of our decision and that god believes that we can take that kind of suffering a long way, and come out of it as a better person. Also, do not stray away from god eventhough we are tainted with sin and our past acts. For god is forgiving. I used to think for some reason god refuses to forgive me. He does not love me, he does not remember me. I could only hope to grope in the dark and find my way back. Though, inside my heart is vacant, only filled with grief and loss. I find no end to the darkness. Maybe I will never be a good person.

Amen. Haha I tend to digress in my writing. Pardon me.

Something unrelated- I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I miss Hong Kong. Whenever I see that HSBC building on the tv I wish I could go back and experience that place in a different way. Going with my family wasn't fun. I was never a family person. Nettieeee go with me one day lah. I will eat non halal food for you haha.

Sigh I need to finish FYP but I'm in no mood.




benbenbenbenbenbenbenbenben



Edit:
I don't care, but I'm going to get a golden retriever puppy once I move out of my mum's house. Oh yeah I'll get a cat and 2 bunny rabbits too.

Labels: ben, god, letting go, pondering, puppy, travelling