A lot of things are not working in my life right now. Like my phone's keypad is dead so I can't sms, and I refuse to use my old phone cus it's very fat. And my laptop's adapter is like a crazy bitch so it's not working on me, which makes it very lazy for me to spend much time on the internet. And I'm not strong financial wise, I'm left with 30 cents for the rest of this month, so stop asking me out bitches, unless you plan to treat me. lol.

This morning I woke up from the most terrible dream I've ever had in my life. Oh god, it was so vivid. And I kept crying and crying and begging in my dream. Oh horrible. Oh god, I hope that's not the future. I would die if that happens. I would kill myself, no kidding. Life without some stuff is not worth living, so yeah.

On a random note, porn is scary. How it destroys people and put ideas into their heads. Oh how vile and cruel. Porn industry is making millions of bucks and they're probably like bathing in money and cum, while the receiver, the viewer of porn is probably struggling to control their life and not sex take control over him. Sometimes I guess, we're oblivious about how sex takes control of us. How the media portrays sex as something everyone needs to have. Sex is a good thing, but there are better things in life than sex, isn't it? I mean virgins probably are hyped up about sex and blowjobs, make jokes and laugh about it. I know people in my school are mostly loser virgins (oops!), not because they want abstinence, but because they cannot find anyone who wants to have sex with them. It's a bit sad actually.

I think most of the time we just have this void in our lives. Some people fill it with memories, some people use art, others use alcohol, some people use porn and masturbation, some use sex to cope, etc etc. And most of the time, our whole lives we never find out what is missing, and we go on to filling this void with unhealthy behaviour, thinking, for a moment there, we might feel good. So what happens after that? The hangover, the ending of orgasmic pleasure, the busride home? We go back to feeling the same damn thing over and over again. The void will never be filled. In fact it gapes open, the indulgence is acidic, slowly eating up the very core of our being.

We'll start losing our personality or creating new personalities for ourselves, the one that is insatiable, abusive and cruel. Then we'll start asking, 'what happened to us?' How could something so small grow this big, one small debt turns into an ocean of debts, how a little drink turns into this drunken life, how a little sex couldn't hurt. Oh how we lie to ourselves everytime that it couldn't hurt to have more. and more. and more. and more, more, more, more, MORE, MORE, MORE! The next thing we know, we're lying on the floor, broken.

Searching and groping in the dark for a way out. We're broken and this void becomes bigger and bigger until it washes us away, until we lose ourselves.

No one said it was this easy.

Labels: nothing makes sense anymore, pondering