I've been eating like a boy. I am so going to be fat.

I need to workout! I need my size 24 back!

I am so inspired to run at macritchie. hahah.

NETTIE BDAY FRIDAY (30TH NOV) according to Zaki's msn nick. Oh I swear I'm going to make Nettie so fat. (I supposedly told her I was going to get her a whole carton of ricola. who wouldn't get fat eating all that?)

New years resolution:
Wear contacts and white musk.

This semester happened so fast. I'm looking forward to holidays but I don't want it to end either. Things has started to pick up. Who knows what lies ahead could be worse and miserable? Oh man, I hope god loves me enough to give me something BETTER. I've always realised that I've always been in places where I cannot fit in and be truly happy. When will the dark days end? It's Lord of the Rings all over again.
But let us have faith in the words of Lord Faramir, 'I do not believe this darkness will endure.'

Hahah, I am such a geek.

Speaking of lotr, I must remind myself to pick up a copy of Simillarion. I've never actually finished it.

Labels: fat, food, lord of the rings, operation seth, school

Yay! I finished drawing my johnny depp.
It looks awesome to me. right now i'm too tired and happy to even care whether anyone likes it or not.

Drawing makes me sane. It makes me not think about things. It's just me, my paper, my pencil, and music.


Johnny Depp by ~silenceana on deviantART

Labels: deviantart, johnny depp

This song from leejihun or some group S thingy is making me cry! If only I knew what it meant. It does sound like something really horrible has happened though.

I am just really really sad right now. I feel so fucking alone.
whyarentyoudoinganythingwhyarentyoudoinganything

My rate of sending sms-es out has contributed to my alarming mobile phone bill. So sorry if you don't hear from me that often. I don't even know my phone plan. Cause my dad doesn't tell me anything.

Refreshing facebook and friendster every now and then. I'm such a loserr.
I don't have a bloody life besides this laptop. It's pathetic.

And I don't know why I have to sound so pessimistic all the time. I sort of know why people don't read my blog. It's because it's whiny and I say fuck a lot. I don't know why I'd like people to read it anyway- what, to show people that I actually exist and that I have thoughts and feelings not just a dum dum? oh yeah and people would know what a screw up I am and feel so disgusted by it. hmm, so what should i fucking write then.
oh yes, about my bloody day with my oh so fake tone. I mean, that's everyone right?
pfft.

i'm sorry, but i feel too depressed to even try.

I'm sad, but I can't tell you why. I can't tell anyone because it's all too embarassing. i can say that looking at your face makes me want to die (in a good way.)

This is the part where I wish I possessed exceptional beauty so this wouldn't be all too hard.

Labels: boys, i'm sorry i can't be fucked

Rafhana is sad.

Labels: boys, sad

Okay I know, I cannot keep it a secret any longer!
I think my dad has touched it more than me. I don't think he's going to sponsor it though. Anyway, I was surprised by his shots. Apparently he played goalie in hockey when he was in school. Wth, all along I thought he was a librarian.

Sigh. On other matters, I'm all tingly and confused. Sigh. I feel stupid to tell anyone. Sighhhhh. I feel like contaminating myself with caffiene and not sleep at all tonight. I just don't
feel
like
I
deserve
anything
until
it
does
happen.

Going swimming with Zaki after school tomorrow. It's losing weight time.


Hehe, sorry Jas, found this in my camera. Somehow I was too lazy to upload it!

Labels: floorball, sad

I JUST BOUGHT A STICK!
Yay! I love it like I love Johnny Depp. Haha

Thank you Nadya and Jaja, for teman-ing me.

Okay I'm so tired I can barely type a good entry.


I know I'm not supposed to voice out my weight concerns over this oh so public blog, but it's getting so unbearable...

I AM SO HUNGRY. imsohungryimsohungryimsohungry!!!

I managed to stay 45 minutes at the gym today, and measured my weight and got really depressed. Ugh, stupid hari raya. stupid home weighing scale.

so i decided not to eat after 5, because that is how fat people lose weight. and i'm going to crack already. i like ate french fries for lunch, how fat was that?!

ohmygod.

Labels: food

Canberra, Morton Park, Wollonggong, blah blah blah
Australia is going to be the death of me man. It's like, I've been forcing myself awake just to finish this thing! And for like hours I'm still frantically flipping through the guidebook and browsing internet sites! I'm really not doing anything productive here. I was like on facebook taking the FRIENDS trivia hahahah. Oh my god.

I'm so totally on a diet. I'm sick of reminiscing my thinner days. And I'm so going to get Spartan abs for my birthday.

Labels: random talk

Sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if I've never thrown you completely out of my life. What would've it been like if I said yes the first time?


Thank god, finally I can like whine!
Of course I still need Xtine whining session.
But yeah, I said a couple of things that has been bugging me all week.
Thanks Nettie.
Hell yeah, freedom. I almost cried talking about the o-levels thing. I'm still shaken after 2 years. Haha, imagine me actually tearing in front of people. It'll be so weird.
Anyway,
I love notebooks. I bought two at pageone. Wanted more.
But,
I really want to go to Nepal.
So I guess
two notebooks couldn't be that bad after all.
I love caramel frappuccino.
I wish I had ordered the Christmas specials.
I wanted a tumbler too.
I wish Santa was real
because then every year I would get presents
because I've been a good girl.
Minus all the back biting and bitchy moments
not to mention an angsty post
written in CAPS
but still
I was good.
I'm going to send you christmas cards.
but you won't get any if you don't tag my lonely tagboard
yes, that means you too Nettie.

Labels: random talk

I fell in love with a greek boy on DeviantArt. Of course he doesn't know me. Lol.

I miss my Adam, I miss my James. I guess we all have to accept the fact that all this won't last long when you've all got lives to live. All the more I should start saving up for my trip to London. I had it all planned out with James. He's going to take me on dates and bring me to the haunts there. I think we're going to sleep in a leaky room. Well as long as he isn't seeing someone else.

Haha, I don't know how much he tries to reassure me that he will go out with me when I get there. That sticky little toad, he hasn't called! I suppose he has been busy taking up photo assignments and all those cool job stuff.

I know I can ramble on and on about him because he can't read this!

I miss James dearly. But I miss Adam more. I could just cry thinking about him.
*makes a million sad faces*

all i have are naughty girlfriends who likes chocolate. hem hem.

Labels: deviantart

I am tired, disappointed, and whathaveyou. I just want to sleep and not study mechanics. I suppose today has been relatively shitty. I've been in the 'low power mode' all day long.

Okay there's a lot of things going on in my head right now and it's getting really hard trying to cast them aside until this week ends. I don't have time for self-improvement. I'm dark and twisted inside.

I wish I had someone to whine to. I just cry listening to backstreetboys because everything is just so hard.

right, bye.

the pills are really tempting. i'm contemplating doing some damage.

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

OH YEAH RIGHT. RIGHTTT JUST BECAUSE I WAS FROM FUCKING CEDAR, I SHOULD GET As FOR EVERYTHING.

ENGINEERING ISN'T MY FORTE, IT WASN'T MY FUCKING INTEREST. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENGINEER.

YOU DON'T GET IT, MUM AND DAD.
I'M NOT SMART, I'M NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD IN MATHS, MY LIFE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND STUDYING. I HATE STUDYING. I HATE SCHOOL. I HATE YOU FOR EXPECTING SO MUCH OF ME. I AM JUST GODDAMN USELESS, I'LL NEVER BE GOOD AT ANYTHING, AND IF I'VE ACCEPTED IT, WHY CAN YOU NOT?

YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR OR SOME HOTSHOT ENGINEER! I'M JUST LIKE YOU! I'M AVERAGE, I'M ORDINARY, I'M A GODDAMN ORDINARY FUCKING Bs AND Cs! DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE SOME GENIUS WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE NOT! I CAN'T DO THIS! I CAN'T!

WHY CAN'T YOU BE HAPPY? WHY CAN'T YOU CONSOLE ME? I FEEL BAD FOR GETTING SUCH A GPA! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE IT WORSE? 'OH, WHY Bs AND Cs? WHERE ARE ALL THE As?!!!' YOU KNOW WHAT, I'VE BEEN ASKING THE SAME THING. I THOUGHT I COULD GET AN A, BUT I DIDN'T! WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE OTHER PARENTS? WHY CAN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE, 'TRY HARDER NEXT TIME,'? I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE IT SO HARD BECAUSE I ALREADY BEAT MYSELF EVERYTIME ABOUT EVERYTHING! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NEGATIVE? YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S OKAY, SAVE THE FUCKING NAGGING, BECAUSE I LOOK DOWN UPON MYSELF ALREADY. LIKE THAT ISN'T ENOUGH.

SO WHAT, JUST BECAUSE THIS IS POLY I CAN BE THE BIGGER FISH IN THE SMALL POND? SO I MUST REDEEM MYSELF WITH As BECAUSE I COULDN'T GET INTO A JC, AND HENCE DESTROYED THE FAMILY NAME? YOU DON'T GET IT DO YOU? I WAS THE LAST IN CEDAR BACK THEN, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE BECAUSE THEY'VE ALL BETTER L1R5 THAN ME! I'M ORDINARY! I'M AVERAGE!
AND I CAN'T DO THIS!
I CAN'T!

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked, school

3.9999999999
3.9999999999

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING FARRRR.

I NEED MY 3.999999999999999999!
i totally screwed my thermofluids today (in a non-dirty way.)

Labels: i'm sorry i can't be fucked

I am clearly not feeling the spirit of hari raya. I want to go visiting, especially see my sister's favourite aunt from my dad's side, but my dad, being him, simply refuses to get out of that oh so dreadful massage chair. I missed her hilarious antics when she visited yesterday because I was out raya-ing with the spfb people (yay!)

I think this year we as a family went to my grandparents house, the oldest aunty, mak chek's place, Ateh's house(I still can't believe we still call him ah-teh since we were pelat kids,) Cik Itah's parent's house, Pak Chek's mum's, and half of the family went to mak lang lijah's. That's like all, lorh. My duit raya is like so little.

And on a bloody Sunday, you can catch me eating the kerepek ubi in the living room, thinking how pathetic this year's hari raya is, and how lethargic my parents are this year, how unenthusiastic my sister is due to exams, and how the only chippy happy ones are me and Rusy (I prefer to refer to her as 'rusy' than 'my 6-year-old little sister.) And then I go to madrasah where ustaz khindir didn't come. it was damn sad cause he's growing onto me. hahah. Bloody Sunday.
*makes loads of sad faces*


btw, rusy won 3rd place for her halloween costume.

Labels: depressing