Oh it's been hard. I turned into this emotional git and everything. I have anger problems. What do people do when they're angry?

Anyway, I visited Cedar on teacher's day. Would've stayed for the concert if it wasn't for the need to buy children stuffs for my trip to Batam. It was rather, dreamy, I suppose. I feel like everyone has changed, and I'm just here, stuck. I'm not going to lie that it didn't hurt, that place. How people were talking about A2s and A1s, and all I ever got was a goddamn fucking B3 for english. If I could change the past, I would never jog outside and get bitten by an infected mosquito. Maybe I would've turned out okay. Maybe if i wasn't so complacent and slept during english, I would've turned out okay. Maybe if I was bright enough, I would've been okay. Where the hell did my dreams venture to? I had dreams, you know, like wanting to be in NJ and everything, and all I got was like not even close to Innova. I feel goddamn stupid. I know my mother was devastated, and so was I. The shame I had to face, the cruel relatives. And my sister who has surpassed all my acheivements, getting all the glory and the goddamn gloating about RJC makes me want to disappear. I wish I was bright enough. I wish I wasn't this person who completely threw away her physics after her favourite teacher didn't teach her anymore. God knows how I felt going back to Cedar that day. I couldn't really look at the teachers in the eye. I resent myself. Secretly I was saying, ' I'm sorry. For all the extra lessons and time you wasted on me, and all I got was a fucking C.' There's no hope for me. I feel that my mother doesn't care anymore. I'm in this place, this really hopeless, failed experiment. I'm terrified to tell her that I cannot go to a university, simply because I'm never going to be smart enough. The day I would have to tell her that, would be the day I have to kill myself.

That won't be long though. Results will be released when I come back from GYL.
Just,
oh my god.

I just want someone to tell me I'm smart enough to live. Because right now, I don't feel I deserve any of this.

Labels: cedar, depressing, sad, school