So many things in my head right now. I can't begin to look at them. They've just flooded my head and sucked out my soul. Now I'm abandoned and hollow, I cannot understand anything.

I began to question my self-worthiness and my ability to do things. It's always been the same thing, the same thing robbing me of my interest and passion to live. Honestly, can I do it? Will I be good? Like I feel I shouldn't buy paper because I'll never be good at drawing, like I feel I shouldn't get a better camera because I'll never be good at photography. Right now I feel as though I should just curl up into a ball and do nothing.

Do nothing.

Like the fate my mother destined for me. 'Useless.'

I hate her. I hate fasting month because she gets really bitchy, hostile, pious and biased. I hate fasting month because I need to destroy myself but I can't. She seems to love my third sister so much. She threw a spoon which I was doing a dishes today, because we're oh so 'unfilial'. Honestly, I'm sick of her moodswings. I wish she would give my second sister and me a break. So what, my third sister got 270something for prelims, that means she's fucking QUEEN now? Total fucking bullshit. So my other sister got 260, I got 240, we're not your daughters now?
This is disgusting, I hate living inside this house. Do you know she's never received a sincere mother's day card from me, or simple words like 'I love you.' Because I don't. I don't feel it. I see how my friends have that kind of mothers but I don't. It's like the little things she does, and we're indebted to her. No free pass, nothing is done without a motif. And she's so used to having a maid around, that she screams at my sister and me like we're maids. My third sister doesn't get any of that. Oh cause her bmi is like 30, and she's so clever, so it's okay. PFFT.
If I had money and a choice I would run away. I hate weekends because she's at home. I hate going on holidays where she's there. I hate her teaching us to be good people when she's evil. I know I'm supposed to be a bigger person and ignore it. I can't. I just fucking cannot. I will not understand why she does this to me. I will not understand why life has to be this horrible. I will not understand why she uses me as a tool to impress other people. Sorry, I got into poly, remember?

All I want is to curl up into a ball and do nothing.

Do nothing.

Labels: cruel, depressing, i'm sorry i can't be fucked, sad, sickly talk