I have this strong urge to apologise profusely to someone I used to care about. But I am so mad at her for blocking me off bebo and possibly off her msn. I am so sick of not having someone who actually came from the hell hole I came from, to talk to.


I don't know what I'm sorry for. I'm sorry I made you care about me, I'm sorry I cared about you. I don't know how you are, I don't know how screwed you are now. I hope you're not fucking wasted. I hope you don't drink, but I know sure as hell you're still on your meds. In other ways, I'm sure I'm stronger than you. I don't need meds. I don't fucking go to parties and mix with shallow people. I'm sorry I didn't try to understand. Your brother died, and being deaf, I'm sure it was hard for you, for all the shit that was thrown at you. You were always the tough cookie. You kick mean people's asses and I respect you for that. In some ways, I wish I was just like you. In some ways you were the person I never was. I would go home and bash myself up if someone were mean to me. You on the other hand, you would bash that person up till you're satisfied. I would come to you, and you'd tell me how I should've handled it. It was really hard on me when you were drinking a lot, it was hard on me when you decided to be a bitch and said your goodbye. Didn't you think of that? Well, no of course, you were always the tough cookie. You expected me to fight back. I didn't. And you wrote me a poem, and I didn't say anything. Pride is a funny thing eh? I'm turning eighteen soon. I'm ashamed that I don't even remember your birthday. I want to tell you about this boy I really like, I want to tell you that I am happier now, I want to tell you that I am not wasted, and I want to tell you how I love Johnny Depp and how he's great and how I'll fight you for him. Gaia, I really miss you. I think about you all the time. I wish you would talk to me again. I was angry at you for turning into the shallow pretty people. Life isn't supposed to be about people and how big their boobs are. Life is about waking up and getting saved. Don't you want to be saved, Gaia?

Labels: friends, secrets