Wow oh wow. Back then I could update my journal 2-3 times a day, and now I can't. I feel like I am not living anymore. Life goes on around me and it's as though I am standing on the sideline watching one big movie, a life I was never meant to be in. This is someone else's world, not mine. In my life, I would have roses every single fucking day.

But hey, life goes on, and no one would give a shit to help me catch up. No one gives a shit if I didn't have roses. I have to go on and crawl in the mud if I have to, because the world doesn't revolve around me. There are things that needs to be done, but I'm always lying down on my side, watching the dark clouds rolling by, smelling the rain and fearing everything in sight.

If there is one day, and one day I could cherish wishing I could be alive forever, I would do anything just to have that one day. One day at all, and I don't care if I die after that. I would like one day that I would have roses and feel happiness, knowing that I deserve to be happy, knowing that I deserve to be standing up, breathing. If there is one day I could be unafraid, I would've conquered everything.

Everything now is so routine that I have nothing at all to update about. It's like I have been reduced to a dry pulp and I have nothing left to say. I have nothing good that happens in one day. It feels like shit at the moment watching things pass by and you wish you could be part of it. But you can't. There are walls everywhere, and bars that keep you from making the step outside, to walk into the sun again. Just when I thought I found freedom, I find myself imprisoned.

It's like that phrase in Hotel California, 'You can check-out everytime you like, but you can never leave'. It's just this thing, that binds itself to you. Just grows on you, and loves you and doesn't leave you. Everywhere you try to escape it hovers over you, clutching on to your sleeves, always, reminding you that it is always there. You try to push it away, and it blows out all the torches until you cannot see the exit anymore. Then it laughs. And then you realise you might not escape this place, because this is the only place where you would be accepted.