It sickens me that people start liking Johnny Depp after his successful role as Jack Sparrow. It’s annoying really, people going ‘WHOO AHHH EHHHH JOHNNY-WHAT’S-HIS-NAME? John Sparrow?’ You fucking annoy me do you know that? I will proudly declare myself a Johnny Depp fan since I was 6. I watched Edward Scissorhands at that age, and I am very much in love with him. I tried getting rid of him from my mind for a while, secretly wishing I was married to him. Truth is out now. I’m a pervy horny girl and I fantasise about Mr Depp, who is indeed old enough to be my father’s older brother.

I am very much outraged and angered by the appalling accusation thrown at *us* on Friday. As you might have guessed, my weekend was hell, with unhealthy food shoved at my face, and that accusation playing over and over in my mind. I am suggesting an e-mail because I don’t have guts to talk face to face. Yes cruel humankind, throw rocks at me as you wish, for my guts are like rotten fish. I was depressed during the weekend, as I’ve expected, and being an SI-er for close to 11 years, I did what SI-ers do. So much for 10 months of SI-free eh, I blew it.

So much for being a saint. My halo has broken into pieces. My purity snatched away by God. I wonder if this is a chance for me to stand up again. Or is it just a cruel damnation. All my life I believed that I was damned for eternity, and my days black and lifeless. I suppose the second option seems convincing enough. Maybe the light isn’t for me. Lo! All the lies I sang to myself. There is no such thing as ‘the light’, and ‘happiness’ is just a manmade word. I could go on living like this, and I find it perfectly fine that I am hurting myself while others know nothing of it. I don’t want them to care anyway. They would never understand.

There should be more to life, or not. I am turning seventeen in 2 days, but it is as though I have lived for 700 years without friend or companion. It is a sad life, I will not deny that. My life is filled with constant crash diets, compulsive exercising, my lord internet and the lady of knitting. You see, here is the pathetic piece to it- nothing. There is nothing exciting about it. It’s always depression being my faithful master, and the absolute boredom of routine. There were times I thought about making a new life for myself, becoming a brand new pure person. Hah, a lie I fed so desperately to myself. I know I can never be someone new. I’m always this sinner, marked by scars and my rotten personality, set for eternal damnation. Why do fools fly? Fools fly because they cannot run away from their lives. They fly to their death because they are fools to believe they could fly.

I am a fool to believe I could be a butterfly, evolving into something better and prettier. But no, I’m just a spider, spinning my intricate web of lies.