I know what it's like to want to die.
How it hurts to smile.
How you try to fit in but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside
to kill the thing on the inside.
-Susanna. Girl, Interrupted.

You know, when you think deeply all the time, everything becomes so shallow. For example, this quote, if I were 14, I would have loved it, and used it every single fucking day.

Of course I fucking know what it's like to die. Not the kind of 'I've got so much homework, and oh god srsly, I feel like dying!' Homework makes you want to kill yourself? Get over it. But do you know, what it's like to want to die?

I know I'm not alone. I'm not the only one thinking about ending it every single fucking day. I'm not the only one thinking how fucked up it is to die when you haven't done enough. I'm not the only one who knows how it hurts so much.

How much it hurts to pretend. How much it hurts not having anyone to talk to. How much it hurts when no one understands.

I know.

So kids, I don't know when I would update this blog again, in case anyone cares. I have been falling into the pit, yet again, and I don't think I'll get better. Maybe someday, when I'm insane enough to enter a mental institution. Anything else, I have a livejournal which is obviously not useful to you.

I just don't want to tell you anything anymore. To your eyes, I am always happy because of this fucking mask I put on. I am a fucking clown, and I will always be happy. Forget this entry ever existed. If I want to be sad, I'll do it in my livejournal.

Till then, when I get better. I don't want you to know me. Because I shouldn't expect anything good from the fucking world of normal people.