I was watching the footbal match Australia against Japan with my father last night. Father was rooting for Japan while I was busy pitying both sides. My father was really animated about it praising and cursing the goalkeeper. I went like HA. He went to talk about on how Cahill was evil and stuff. It was funny watching him. I thought the match was rather boring in the first half. And then I realised how much I've missed watching football. You know, being in a girls' school you just get really girly and silly and annoying. I kind of missed out in the stuff I used to do with my father for the past year. I guess I was all fucked up and caring about no one but myself and on the other hand supporting whiny people.

Last time I used to watch football with my father and we'd curse Liverpool and father would just switch off the telly when he got pissed. Hahaha. And then one day he was watching F1, and I just came, 'Hey dad, what're you watching?' and he explained the whole F1 thing to me and he said he supported Michael Shumacher and that I should support Kimi Raikkonen because he is so young and handsome. I guess it's the thing about fathers eh, they think their little daughters like football and racing just because the guys are hot and absolutely spiffing.

Anyway, I'm a Raikkonen fan because he is a great driver and he car likes to break down. Woot he got a place on the podium on last Sunday's race anyway. Go Kimi!

It's kind of sad really. Father having 4 daughters and have absolutely no idea how to connect with them. My father does. He makes his daughters into motorsports addict. =p Hah. And not to forget the fashion disasters he got us into. His taste is rather insane and out of this world really. Everyone outside the family would go 'Aww, you poor shits no sons.' Fuck off. Sons are no better than daughters. They are just extra because they have dicks. Pfft.

While watching the match I was thinking about the Japanese and my mind lingered and hovered over the memory of my grandfather. He got bombed by the Japanese, and as a result, Father says he had this scar, or more of a hole on his back. 'Really. Go and ask him,' Father said. I said I would, one day. He asked me to ask Grandfather about it quite a number of time while he lived. And I said I would.

I never did.

I didn't even see his body when his spirit flew away. I was studying my damn chemistry while they were mourning for his death. I don't know where he was buried.

Cameron Duncan said 'you start remembering life more than you actually live it.'

We didn't have the telly, the radio, the internet for more than a month. We were mourning. Our house was a dark den. It was like everyone died along with it.

My father's spirit died. I don't talk to him about grandfather anymore. He doesn't want to.

You know, everyone has to die. We were born to do great things and die in the end. The loss is great at first, because we have to deal with the fact that someone you know is gone. It is a strange ordeal to go through. But then you start living your lives normally as that pain is being pushed to the back of your mind. You just get used to it.

You can't delay mourning, that's what I've learnt. When he died I mourned as I should.

My greatgrndfather died few years ago and I loved him. And I delayed mourning. Few years later I find myself lost and the pain is still there. It emerges as dreams and it would come running for you. Something like, 'Wake up Ana, and deal with it. You cannot run away forever.' I was being a rock and just didn't let myself break for years. I found myself weeping years later.

And it is still hard to deal with it.

I guess I have to make space for my much needed time alone. I grew up too fast. I need to sit down on a cliff and close my eyes while the cold wind blow on me like wind blowing on a lonely mountain. I need time and space.