I'm having a splitting headache and I'm still managing a post. I should get a medal for this.

I watched Oprah this morning and it struck a chord. I am afraid to be happy because I'm afraid of downfall, that maybe one day my happiness would end.

I am a destination addict. It's been true with weight loss, everything that I want in life. Because I'm so afraid to be happy, I settle for 'good but not enough, and then complain.' No wonder Kelvin said I complain so much. No wonder nothing is ever good enough. No wonder I find myself inadequate. Maybe a few years ago I wished I had someone really special, and after that when I was on the verge of hardcore emotional death, I said it's alright because if you are happy then I will be happy. But then we got a step higher and I am not happy. Seeing you happy doesn't make me happy because I'm not happy. The things people do for me doesn't make me happy because it was never enough. I refused to be happy because I'm afraid that the day I put on a genuine smile I would lose everything.

I always feel like I do so much for other people but they did anything for me. I feel like the only one who's running around, pleasing everybody. Did I feel happy? To a certain extent but I feel so uncared for. But what I didn't see was that I am significant to someone's life and that should be the thing I should be happy about. So what the hell am I complaining about?

List 10 things that you are happy about.

1) I am a bloody good writer. My articles are top 2 and 3, and the lousy ones are at the top 15% at least
2) I take very good pictures.
3) If you're smart enough, I'm the least boring person you'll ever meet.
4) I am significant.
5) I am happy that I have a complete family that never had to face a bitter divorce. Plus my parents are really rich because they crap out loads and loads of money and I get cool gadgets from them every year for my birthday.
6) I can draw PEOPLE!
7) I'm not hopeless. I dont stare at someone's picture 24/7 when I'm in love with them while drooling all over the keyboard.
8) I am actually pretty smart.
9) I am kind and caring. (That's why I get to sleep with lots and lots of people every week.)
10) I have the bestest person to share my life with.

There's no need to pursue happiness. Because it gets further and further away. We'll never be happy. I've been waiting my whole life to be happy. Inside ourselves there actually resides a happy place. This is the place where when everything else in life fails, we can always run back to. And this is something no one can take away from us. When you're happy, you'll attract happy things in life. No wonder some people are never happy. They can't find the happiness within.

So I need to meditate and do some weird self-help stuff because I'm ready to admit that I am actually, happy.

It's the seventh day and I'm actually chipper! I can't wait to see/speak to cheesing again.

all I want for christmas is youuuuuuu

Labels: happy talk, pondering, positive thinking