My brain is lacking insightful ponderings. It is now filled with slime and cobwebs. I miss doing absolutely nothing, like spend a Saturday morning reading a book, walking around spotlight and watching movies on my own. I used to be so independent. I used not to care whether people thought I was a lonely freak or a moron who likes to do things on her own. Now, everything has changed. When something so amazing happened to my life, the monotonous routine of spending quality time with me stopped. I stopped going to the library by myself, I stopped drawing and writing, the world that I knew, was at a stand still. The taste of something sweet makes me want more. It is how clinginess is developed. You spend so much time with someone that you want more.

Me? I am emotionally untrimmed. The whole bag of emotions residing inside of me is like an abandoned garden; imagine weeds, overgrown grass, dead flowers and wild growth. It needs to be gardened because my emotions are ravaging. I feel sorry for Kelvin who has to manage me. I am high maintenance. I will cry when someone does not want to talk to me. It makes me look like an ugly garden, infested with snakes and monsters, just like how the teaspoon-sized brain that I have is filled with unwanted thoughts. I am emotionally needy. It makes me sick to the stomach and I completely understand when you tell me I am sickening. It gets to a point where I become very selfish and think that the world revolves around me. I think that your activities revolve around my life, and your social life needs to be stopped because I want to be the only one you talk to. It is so fucking disgusting that writing this down makes me feel horrible about myself. In fact, I think that right now I should throw myself into a lion's den and let my body be devoured.

I have a lot to learn and these baby steps that I am taking are not enough to make you stand me. I am insecure and I constantly need somebody to tell me that I am definitely better than the rest of them. Flawed in everyway, deep inside I always feel shitty for being the person that I am, that I am probably your concrete wall from the rest of the world, your friends, your dreams. I am trying hard to change- to break the bones of my hand that is wrapped around your neck. It was not my intent to put you on a leash, to put you on a puppet show to please me all the time. It was not my intent to act like a sick person who constantly needs undying attention.

I need to snap out of this. My emotions are taking over my life and my brain. I cannot think like a logical person. I do things based purely on my emotions, with no regard for the needs of others. I need to be fixed.

I had a very good day today. Too bad, they put mutton in the noodles because I have sworn off beef and other animals alike. So every time I accidentally took a bite into a mutton chunk, I’ll scream ‘oops I ate the little goat!’

I wish people would talk to me at night because I am really lonely at home because my sisters don’t want to talk to me. I miss movie nights. =(

Labels: boys, listless, loveee, pondering