I know, I'm such a wuss, writing about it in my blog instead of my Livejournal because I know you will never come across this here. See, I'm in a tight spot. I've grown out of you. I don't like you as much now, as I see your boisterous and know-it-all personality unfolding. Maybe it is my fault. My perception of a 'friend' is to be nice to me all the time, give all the best that you can for me, be perfect, like a friend should be. I think it's all on television eh? It is so hard to keep a friendship when it's such a strange and new thing to you. I mean, my whole life I have never regarded anyone as a 'friend' until they have proven to me that they wanted me in their life. And most of the time, they don't last as long as I've wanted to. Friendship- I really don't know what it is. Call me a fucking dog, whatever, I did not have time to discover friendship for what it truly is, because most of it ended too early.

Are you my friend, seriously? I keep getting mixed messages. When you asked me to go away was it supposed to mark the end of all this? I think I may have move on too easily. I get over you too easily.

Well, maybe not. Everytime I go online, I see your name and wait. What if your name flashes, what are you going to say to me, are we just going to drift apart and sink, not making any efforts to stay afloat? If we start talking again, I really don't know what to say to you. I really don't. It's like I've been squeezed into a pulp, you know? You know so much about me and we lived in dark days, black holes, and even if you're like eight years older than me, we do understand each other alot. And there is nothing MORE to discover. I have nothing more to give. I have exhausted myself. I can give you good company, but I don't like gossip. And you know with you, if there is no gossip, the silence is deafening.

I really thought it was the end for you. I've thought about it all the time. I didn't want to admit to myself that you could wound me like that because I wanted to be strong. I didn't want to come crawling back to you to apologise because I never did anything wrong. You misunderstood my situation, you acted irrationally. Am I going to wait? Should I just move on, and later perhaps meet you in a distant future and gaze upon the years apart, and find nothing in common anymore?

And then today I read that poem you just wrote for me, describing me as a snow queen and that no one could be me- I was dumbfounded. I thought you would have bitched about my lacking personality and how I never stood up to our friendship. Not this. Not that poem. I thought it was the best piece of poetry that you have ever written yet. And you used the colours from the butterfly I drew, into your poem. It was brilliant. I hate to burst my bubble now. I would really love to type something and press the 'comment' button. But when I get to it, I can't do it.

How can you know and remember so much about me when I can't remember anything about you. I only remember I met you off RYL, and typed like a lunatic. And we stayed on, you watched me mature and turn into a lady for the past 3 years; and we look back, not recognising the old husk, the cacoon empty, and the next thing you know butterflies and moths are everywhere. Only thing I remembered about you was that incident that you were drunk, and it has been stuck in my mind ever since. I didn't want you to get drunk. When you struggled with alcoholism, I stayed on. When you wanted to kill yourself, I stayed on. I told you, 'Look at me. Look at me now. You helped me up all the way here, you can't quit now.' And when it was time I fell apart and wanted to die, all those terrible times, you said, 'It's such a shame, because you could've become someone far greater if you lived.' And your shameless boyfriend, and how I told you so many times to cancel his insurance so he would have to pay if he gets into another accident... Haha, those were funny times. Guess what, we triumphed, we're done with all that, we're here, living each moment and learning the outside world like we've never seen before. It just that it's such a shame we had to drift apart while we were discovering who we are.

Honestly, without you, I felt so great. There wasn't this force weighing me down. We're funny, like that. Never balanced. When I am up, you are down, vice versa. We could not be truly happy with each other. You spoiled my day, I wrecked your happiness, and when you bragged and drone on and on about the day you had, I would feel so bad because my day turned out like shit. And for that moment we weren't talking, I was free. I felt no obligation to go back to you, I didn't have the responsibility as a friend because we're not that 'word' anymore.

And I must be the complete idiot ever to expect you to be visionary. Humans are not like that. Humans cannot be complete angels. We can't live by other's expectations. I think I have learnt a little about friendship through this rocky piece of crap we built for 3 years. You have to be tolerant and understanding. And no matter what, you stick together. Most importantly, you have to accept this person whole-heartedly, her flaws and imperfections, for she will love you unconditionally no matter what. I have to learn that you can't change the distasteful part of yourself, and you have to understand why I run around so much.

I just don't know how to go on about this. I loved that poem, I wish I could share with anyone reading my blog the beauty you have brought to life. You do dislike me because I don't believe in myself and I don't believe in my abilities. You were indeed the best of times and the worst of times. I would love to be your mate again. Maybe someday we'd meet each other on the street and not even know each other, seeing we've grown so different. This funny thing about friendship- I don't think I would really know what it is.

Love,
Ana.