Okay so, I confessed to mother that my headaches and migraines are becoming more and more unbearable. It's more than a headache, aye. I feel like falling down and blacking out at any moment, but that's not it that bothers me. Well, I get this feeling that I'm not alive. I told my mother that and she was bewildered. She doesn't believe in such things and told me to read a prayer. So I explained further- I feel as though I am not alive, I'm not here, I don't exist. It feels so strange. This happens during class and in the train and sometimes when I am walking and in the night especially. It's like, fucking superman on drugs. I become so confused and my head is throbing and everything is literally spinning. I don't get what is happening around me, I cannot see properly- it's like the world on the verge of collapsing on me. It's terrible. And it has been happening to me more often lately.

I also told her that when I wake up sometimes, I get this 'short amnesia', like my brain is totally blank and I don't know where I am, or my name, or that boy at school I like so much. I would have to sit down and think for long time until everything get back to me and I start remembering again. Nothing is more scary than not remembering your own name.

Upon hearing that, she told me to consult a doctor. I think the losing memory part scared her. Indeed, this memory thing is bugging me much. I can't tell what is a dream and what is not. Everything is such a blur shadowy thing to me right now. I think I am truly dying. Mentally dying.

Oh my god.

My eyes are becoming darker and darker. I'm not a light sleeper, but a heavy one. I get dreams about random things that tires the shit out of me. I wake up in the morning feeling as though I've come back from a long distance run or something. Sometimes it gets so scary (the dreams, I mean) that my heart starts beating like crazy. It's getting really tiring. I haven't had a dream-less sleep in ages and right now, it seems impossible to sleep dreamlessly.

I think I need a doctor. I need to know what is happening to me. Perhaps it's anxiety or something, maybe some shit, I wouldn't know.

But what if the doctor thinks I'm crazy?

I think I'm insane. Well, I must be.