I am supposed to do an assignment, but I'm here now probably frustrated at the state of everything. I am sick and tired of lecturers saying that poly people cannot write, they cannot present, they cannot lead, they are meant to be fucking engineers for the rest of their pathetic lives. I am sick and tired learning about thermo, mechanics, and things that I dont even give a flying fuck about. Why don't they nurture our dreams?

I don't want to be a bloody worker! Don't ask me why I chose this course. What was I supposed to do? I was 16, I thought I was going to a bloody jc, then the world decided to collapse on me... how was I supposed to have a fucking clue what I should have chosen? I've never wanted to be an engineer and looking at my assignment now is so depressing because I'm trying to be someone I'm not.

My heart was never in this field; I wake up everyday dreaming of being someone I was supposed to be. Being confined in this school full of hopeless boys with an emotional capacity of a teaspoon and verbal skills of a primary 1 boy has changed me alot. I no longer write, and I feel so distant from the things I was very passionate about. I feel so detached from the people around me, like all I carried around with me was a sack of emotions, of little stories I made up in my head, my love for arguments and writing. Most of the time I feel like a ballerina trapped in a musical box. I can never connect with the people here, not like it was any different in secondary school, but I feel so alienated from the minds of the typical classmates.

I am very worried that no door will ever open for me or what if no school wants to accept me. I ruined this chance; I need another one, to save me from being those people I've never wanted to be. I don't want to do this anymore.

1 semester to go. Already I'm crying in my bed because I cannot take it any longer. God save me.

:(

PS: I need chocolate and support from everyone. I need someone to tell me I can make it.

Labels: depressing, dreams, nothing makes sense anymore, school