BLAHHHHHHH.

2010-04-14T00:24:00.003+08:00

to those who still read this, just wanted to say thank you for being such great readers. it's time for a change, a new start. as much as I love this blog url, i have to let go most of my posts that are oh so full of anger and depressing stuff. if you're ever interested to read my blog posts, head on to http://anadollies.tumblr.com - i know you might think it's a promo thing, but no i'm just too busy to keep many blog accounts so I will blog alongside posting my new products as well.

see you there:) don't forget this place too. i love reading my old posts.

you know as time passes by you know who are your real friends and who aren't. i've had the unfortunate luck in making friends with people who doesn't know what it's like to be a friend.

okok.

2010-03-11T21:10:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry blog, for abandoning you! Actually I've been abandoning alot of things except for well, facebook. I also have a twitter now, but i have to keep it clean of profanities and insults because it's related to my business and little kids read them.

Let's see... updates hmmm. I had a job at ica (horrible btw. i will not complain about it here, i think the world has heard enough,) I quit after six months. I'm surviving on my savings, and paying for my own driving lessons. It's such a pain in the ass really, because I'm enrolled in driving school and it's EXPENSIVE. Lucky I have a boyfriend (yes yes I'm quite a big head about this, i love him much and will be mushy in public and proclaim my love every now and then, so please, build up some tolerance for this. I am just so happy. Bitter people go away.) who pays for my food sometimes and taxi fare because he is such a taxi whore. what a girl, like a princess always take taxi. tsk.

I know I'm such a bore on facebook so you probably haven't read my status updates. In february i've been working my ass off making dolls to sell at MAAD, and I made money, enough to eat rice this month. Alot of people asked for my card and website so I shan't be selfish and link this sad little website of mine: ANADOLLIES. Big things are happening to me. I'm quite stressed out actually lol.

Here are the pictures of my booth. I will be there every month so yay. I make bags too so please, if you want to get a wholesale purchase from me i will give discount lol.

hellohello!

2010-03-01T13:42:00.001+08:00

I finally figured out my password! lol i bet no one reads this anymore.

2009-08-02T21:36:00.002+08:00

I feel like crap.

I'm lovesick. I miss kelvin loh like hell.

Fuck i hate ns. I didn't get much of him for weeks already. Always book out late and book in early. And this is my last weekend of no work and he's stuck in there. field camp again for 3 days, fuck. i hope i can see him next week. we'll make it work, despite my stupid shifts.

fuck this fuck everything.

please come and find me, my love.

2009-07-27T20:52:00.003+08:00

Birthday and last saturday.

Parents got me my samsung as an early present. (: Puppy hasn't gotten me anything yet because we didn't see each other for two weeks before last saturday. He booked out at 5.30pm on saturday and booked in at 3.45 pm on sunday. Nahbeh.

Today he has field training till Saturday. My phone will not ring for 6 days. Sigh, I have no one to complain to. 6 more weeks to POP. This weekend will be my last weekend till the crazy shifts start. I'm praying to god that Kelkel and I will have the willpower to go through this for 2 years.

I'm so tired of work. Why do I have to work? Money is a hard thing to earn. I have to slog and sacrifice my time and sleep just to get a little income to pay for food, bills, stuff... ugh. Ahhhh I cannot wait for ORD.

I passed my basic firearms! Wheeee.

2009-07-16T21:20:00.002+08:00

I am so fucking pissed off.

Why the fuck is there h1n1. It's fucking donkey's ass.

I just want to vomit because I'm just so fucking sad and angry.

holding hands with you when we're out at night

2009-07-07T20:43:00.006+08:00

While waiting for kel to call, I'll update this forsaken blog.

Work has been tiring. I have no energy or interest to switch on my laptop to see the what's happening to the world, my friends and what not. Wake up, go work, go home, eat, wait for boyfriend to call, then sleep. I've turned into my parents haha. At least my colleagues are funny and I get to laugh alot at work. All the combat training is over, now it's back to boring lectures in the classroom. 4 more weeks at hta. Sigh, boring.

I'll take leave during kel's POP. We'll go bintan and glaze under the hot sun. Eh no luck with not working on hari raya. Which is good because it means I can't go to my grandparents house and can avoid all the questioning from relatives and blabla.

Kel squandered all his pay on me so now I'm bringing bread from home so I'll have money on weekends to pay for his ravenous eating habits. It's scary when I see him spewing bones and ribs onto the table.

Gosh I love my puppy. He said we can get a beagle hehehehe.

2009-06-27T21:59:00.001+08:00

I've had the most AMAZING friday and saturday. (((: hehehe will write about it privately later. butbutbut it's really lovely and exciting seeing Puppy after 15 days. He's grown bigger, more muscles, wider shoulders, biceps and acquired a great tushy. (Not that his tushy was lousy before cus he had the nicest tushy i've ever seen, just that now his tushy is greater and more fun to grope and adore lol. Sigh, if only my tushy can match up to his, but all I've got are lots of junk in my trunk. HAHAHAH.)

Sometimes I feel so lucky to have someone like puppy. Glances from aunties, makciks and many girls are annoying but fun. But most times I'm so grateful that i have him. Life is weird in a way you can live life never having or even tasting something. But once you've got it, you can't live without it. Something like my relationship with sambal belachan. lol.

I watched transformers 2. Hahaha when megan fox and the hot girls popped out I covered kwelvin's eyes with my hands! HAHA he was so annoyed!

Tomorrow is book in day. ):

2009-06-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHH FUCK.

God damn it I hope things dont fucking screw up. Because I want to see my boyfriend so fucking much this weekend. 2 weeks is ENOUGH.

I need a hug.

2009-06-21T21:06:00.000+08:00

last night was just as good as a proposal.

i'm so sleepy. and i miss my puppy.

40.48 (:

2009-06-19T01:05:00.000+08:00

6 days for him, 7 days for me. Next friday I have to work, so I have to endure the whole day and then meet my beloved later for dinner. He can't wait to see me. I can't wait to hug him and smell him.

My two winter whites have started fighting and it's a really hard time for all of us. They were so close, they play and sleep together, now we have to seperate them. We have to put one up for adoption because my room has no space for two cages :( I love both of them so so much. I dont want to give either one away but... sigh. I hate my father for being an animal hater. If not we could keep them somewhere else in the house.

If anyone can give merriweather or nickypoo (my hamsters) a good home, please do contact me. I really want a good home for one of them. They're both so sweet, so lovely and very cuddly.

I cut my hair today and I can't wait for kel to see it. I miss my old long hair though.

Night time is the best part of my day because I get to hear you. I get to know you're okay. I miss you so much, love. I can't wait for tomorrow night, and the next, and the next, and the next... till friday and I will make you a very happy boy.

2009-06-14T22:53:00.000+08:00

i am swooning lol.

seven minutes in heaven

2009-06-12T23:26:00.001+08:00

kel called for 7 minutes (: seven minutes in heaven. I've never been so happy to hear his voice.

gosh NS sucks.

Anyway today I went shopping with my sister! I spent about $139 hahaha. It's so hard to resist anything when you have so many 50 dollar bills stuffed in your wallet. I got 5 tops, 2 cardigans, 2 belts. oooohlala. bye to 'baby shirts' as kel likes to call them. Now my feet are tired and my eyes are droopy, I just want to curl up into a ball like my hamsters and sleep. Shopping is a good way to turn my mind off things. For a moment, I know that I have another life to get to. I have about 9 days to enjoy myself :)
Looking forward to the new job, and also looking forward to the 25th, when Love books out of army (:

I've never held so many shopping bags in my life like today. My sister got herself more things so it was really fun going out. I rarely shop, so I've forgotten how it feels like lol.

I'm on a diet of sandwiches and more sandwiches. need...to...lose...weight....

sad day

2009-06-12T00:48:00.000+08:00

Today kelvin went to NS. He called me and messaged me at the jetty. At 9.50pm he called me again from camp. It was so nice to hear his voice. So glad he's okay so far. Now it's midnight, I bet he is asleep on that new bed in tekong.

This afternoon me and my sister bought a new cage for our hamsters. The cheap one was really worrying us so we got a CritterTrailONE and it's so awesome. They're really enjoying it and there's a petting zoo at the top. Guess what we named them? One is very very naughty and she likes to climb and she also bites! The other is very nice and when she's eating she'll let us stroke her and carry her. The naughty one is called NickyPOO (after nick carter) and the lovely girl is called MerryWeather (after sleeping beauty's blue fairy.) Well they really love the new cage and are playing alot, it's too cute. The cage was bloody expensive btw.

We put nickypoo into the transparent ball to walk around the house and she went completely berserk. lol. but when it was merryweather's turn she was really curious about her surroundings and went to sniff things and walked around the whole house. they are so cute, especially when they sleep.

Monday, tuesday, wednesday was spent with kelvin. It's tough thinking that things will stay this way for 2 bloody years. At night I'll be alone and when I'm sad I have no kelvin to go to. Last night was especially hard. I just kept bursting into tears because I missed him already. Sigh.

Then later that night his aunt and her son and kwelvin drove to woodlands to pick me up for supper. It was so nice of her. Today he called to wake me up and then he went. Whoooosh into tekong and the tekong chalet and into NS and two freaking years of being imprisoned because he's the son of the nation blahblah. He said something really nice last night and i cant stop smiling, however painful reality is. The thing about boys (or maybe just my boy or strong unemotional men) is that they don't exactly tell you how they feel about certain things, so you think they dont care about you or have no feelings, but actually deep inside they do feel and care. It takes a great deal of guts or a crisis to hear them say things that would make you swoon.

In my case it cleared up some things and it made me really happy, cared for and loved (:

This is a super long post but I also would like to add that I START WORK ON THE 22ND JUNE!!! The jobsearch has come to a halt. I dont want to be negative about it because I'm kind of excited lol. The only downside is that it's shift work so on weekends me and kel have got to work something out. other than that, YAY MONEY!

I am also sick of negative pessimistic people. From now on I will surround myself with positivity and happiness. will only talk to positive people from now on, esp people who wont make me sulk or add more worries to my weary brain.

luv you puppy!

god i'm so into myself sometimes.

2009-06-10T20:15:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow kelvin goes to army.

i love you sososo much. ):

2009-06-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

I have collected my hamsters! My sister and I are sharing and they are so naughty! They're really tiny, just 3 weeks old, but oh so mischievious! I was having a headache watching them run around in the cage and going up and down and up and down, and grabbing onto the metal bars with their tiny hands and swinging like it's a monkey bar. One sister was tired so she slept in the house, but the other one kept running around and making so much noise that she woke her sister up. So after ALOT of rustling and the sound of metal cages being chewed on, they are finally asleep! SO CUTE. They're sleeping beside each other in the house, curled up in a ball.

We havent gotten names for them yet, but one is really more naughty than the other! Hopefully they will settle down in their new home soon, so we can start holding them hehe.

Edit after typing all this: They're awake again!!! oh no

what now?

2009-06-02T16:59:00.002+08:00

I find that as your life becomes less pathetic, your blog posts get more boring. I have no unrequited stories to tell you, no complaining about everyday mundane things, like how the kitchen utensils have ganged up against me and how my life is a complete mess. Yay for me!

But I am having a huge writer's block. I haven't written anything good in months. It's awfully tragic, I feel like I cannot do anything.

My mother is annoying. I hate to tell my parents anything. But she knows. I told K and he said OH NO, but ahyah whatever la, as long as my mother is happy. She's so scared no one will marry me and apparently while I was out last night, she was having a discussion about K during dinner. According to my spies (sis and sis) she said 'ah actually I don't mind Kelvin. Nanti dier boleh masuk islam.'

Like wtf MUM! All these stupid islamic talk is seriously bumming me out. He is a really handsome catholic and he loves jesus and st francis. I am not a missionary, I will not convert anyone. Geez. It's incredibly selfish that someone has to convert to get married.

See, now I'm annoyed.

really fucking annoyed. I'm going to sleep this out and let K laugh at this.

2009-05-27T16:07:00.003+08:00

Graduation Day was today. Seating really sucked because I was nowhere near chattable people (besides reeve.) Haha I was surprised to hear a couple of 'wooo' when I walked on stage to receive an empty scroll box from the director. Don't really know why though, only that I was notorious for being 'kelvin loh's malay gf', or perhaps I've had some other acheivements that I know not of.

Ugh I didn't even stay to take pictures because I was so lazy and I wanted to sleep. But my parents were being so annoying they kept asking me to join this and that and buy professional pictures. And asking why kelvin shaved his head and where he went to and stuff like that. But after that dad was nice because he asked if I wanted to go out to celebrate (like hahaha.)

I'm depressed now. I really miss school and being a kid. And K is all pissed off and screaming 'fuck, fuck, fuck' like a spoilt brat, so I'm bored.

And I'm so fucking pissed off that I don't have a job yet. I'm going to be school-less for a year or so, this is really getting to my head. I'm so tempted to not take SATs and just apply for SIM. Oh god, life is so arduous, I don't really know why we live anyway.

14 days till tekong. After 14 days, no more calling whenever I want to, no more skyping all night, no more going out on weekdays... just 3 weeks of nothing- just 5 minute calls (shit damn it, I'm like a mum seeing her son going to army. I'm so worried!)

I shall go back to bed now. Sunday night dinner at carousel. Awesome.

baby just say yes

2009-05-21T15:23:00.002+08:00

Did a little banner to link me soap blog. Hehe. I think I'm going to get a digital scale sometime next week. After that I can make soap/lotions/bodyscrubs like craaaaazy. I'm a bath and body fan, can't you tell? Will not buy bodyshop stuff anymore because they put so much PARABEN and chemicals in there.

Crap, I've been so lazy to update blogspot, not like there's anything to update about and you'll probably get sick of my 'ahhhhh i love K, oooh I miss K, ohhh I had such a good day with K!!!' Because well, I'm getting sick of myself as well.

And being in love can be the best thing and the most terrible thing. Sometimes I think like wtf was I thinking. Where are my johnny depp, christian bale, david wenham, gerard butler days?! I'm drawing johnny depp actually. Hope it works out because I have not drawn for a very very long time.

When I went out with K yesterday I couldnt stop touching his head and when I got upset he'll just go 'NAH, GO PLAY WITH MY HEAD!' lol we saw dre with his gf hehe. (after that dre went online and asked me why i dont hold hands with K.) He has dirty hands omg thats why.

I have money I want to buy clothes and lose weight. And dye my hair and get a digital perm. lol

KELVIN LOH SHAVED HIS HEAD!

2009-05-19T16:03:00.003+08:00

My kelvin shaved his hair off. I was very sad to know because he did not prepare me for this. BUT THEN....

OMG SO HANDSOME CAN. I DIDNT KNOW MY KELVIN LOH WAS THIS HANDSOME. HAHAHAH. Now I'm swooning as if I'm having a crush on him all over again. SOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEE.

bored

2009-05-13T21:12:00.003+08:00

OMG we've got a new trampoline!

Using flash sucks cus now we've got the scary demon red eyes.

woohoo!

jumping in nj uniform. so unglamourous

cus hello kitty lagi glamourous. I was supposed to do the 'storm' look when she flies lol.

I'm looking for a full-time job. Sigh, I dont want to bask in the happiness of people whos going to uni. I will soap for a living if I made 1000 a month to buy soap supplies!

2009-05-03T21:53:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling shitty. And fucked up.

I feel like chloe in samantha who.

I made more soap. more on my soap blog.

ns ns ns sigh

2009-05-01T22:37:00.003+08:00

So Kelvin (from now on he shall be called 'K') is going NS right? No problemo. Or so I thought. It shouldn't be so bad that I can see K on weekends right? Sigh.

It never occured to me that while he's in ns, I can't speak to him all the time, and whenever I would need him, he can't be there for me. Now when I'm sad or gloomy I can count on K to make me laugh and smile. You know I don't rely alot on any of my friends emotionally. Probably they're always busy with their significant others or their important lives, or maybe I'm not comfortable with having such openess with them that I bare all my feelings and emotions. I have alot of issues with my mother and K has always been there to make me feel better. Sigh now I'm losing my soulmate because he is a Singaporean boy.

And what's more stupid is that he got his enlistment date less than two months before the day itself. 3 weeks of K being in tekong should be fine because I will try to get myself really busy so that time will fly past really fast. I mean everything is just so depressing. They're taking him away from me so fast :( And with my week long job gig it's going to be faster till june 10th. why can't they wait for my birthday then chuck him in?

I'm gloooomy. I'll get a fast paced job. And work like mad so that 2 years will fly past fast. that's going to be when i'm 22?

hbefrbrjtl5l6nglntnl. If you know of any support groups pls tell me if I'm too uncool to join.

-

puppy, thanks for the lil' gift the other day. It was really nice that you got that for me. I felt so moved because you probably got that because you cared for me. I bet you've never given any of your mambo50 something like that! Lol. So I don't mind you calling me bitch and momok when we're in the gym and I'm asking you to do more reps!

2009-04-28T23:28:00.001+08:00

My dad has given me the thumbs up to start my own garden! I have so many things in mind - tomatoes, chillies, spring onions, herbs, etc. Maybe I should also start my own cactus pot. This is so exciting!

Yesterday was fun. I had an 'almost dinner party'. I made bread pudding (yum actually, if only it had more milk than bread.) I got the recipe off http://laurarebeccaskitchen.blogspot.com/ Check out her website. The recipes are so lovely and simple to make. For main course it was a simple tuna casserole, which was quite tasty.

I'm a mess in the kitchen so I always go back to easy dishes that I can throw in whatever I like. I'm a cheat. Lol.

It was fun having friends over. My arms are still like jello after playing back to back boxing on wii! Jasmine choked on alovera! LOL. It was such a relief to have other people to talk to, especially all girls.

2009-04-25T21:00:00.001+08:00

Kelvin is enlisting in 10th June 2009.

Noooooooooooo! It's too sudden and too fast! Army come on look how skinny he is. =(
*sulks*

all alone in the moonlight

2009-04-23T23:12:00.004+08:00

Before you supposedly found that 'someone special' in your life, everything was normal. You were okay with being alone, bumming around at home during the holidays, and having no one to call you in the night, there wasn't need to sms goodnight to anybody. It was okay.

It's just strange to me that when you're not alone anymore, every waking moment that you are left by yourself seem to be quieter than usual, and the nights spent all alone in your room seem to be very lonely. Everything seemed to be colder than usual, there's no comfort you used to have with yourself; suddenly this whole other part of your soul is missing.

You know sometimes there are big fights that makes the night harder to go through, that sometimes you wish that he had never knocked on your door and stole your heart away, deep into the night, under the trees where the stars couldn't see you. Sometimes you don't ever want to see them again, because you don't want them to be anywhere near so they couldn't hurt you anymore.

And yet how come you pick up the phone when it rings? Why this desire to go back, to open your heart to forgiveness?

Nowadays I feel like you don't care anymore.

2009-04-21T00:25:00.000+08:00

Oh dear god I'm so tired, my eyes are going to give in soon. Today was great. I went to the gym with puppy and the running was intensive lol. After that I taught kelvin how to do weights and I couldn't stop laughing because he was soooo cute lifting the stuff like a little superhero boy. The squint of delight in his eyes when he did his last rep was priceless. Haha I, on the otherhand did not touch the weight machines at all because I'd rather do cardio. So instead I opted to push him and carry his sweaty stolen holiday villa towel all around the gym.

I don't know why but the day was brilliant. After that we went to IKEA nomnomnom. Calories burnt during gym went to waste because we ate pasta, meatballs(him), curry puffs, green jelly thingy, marzipan tart, ice cream and hotdogs.

Now I'm so tired blearghhh. I've been watching tv since 8pm. I'm a couch potato on monday and tuesday nights.

Soap, soap, soap. when will i make more?

Speaking of which, I have a soap blog : http://soapsandheadaches.blogspot.com

He is so bloody cute.

2009-04-18T00:14:00.002+08:00

he hates taking pictures though.

2009-04-11T19:33:00.002+08:00

YES YES I CAN'T GO UNI WHY CANT YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY NOW.

I AM HAPPY WITH NOT GOING NUS NTU. I REFUSE TO BE COMMON.

blah

2009-04-10T20:58:00.002+08:00

Kwel has gone to Ipoh, again. I really do need my own personal life. You know, sure, I feel like he's a part of me but at the same time, boys are just cherries on top of the dessert. I can't just rely on him to make me feel like I have something to do.

I do want to make more soap but I don't want to spend the money right now.

If I had more space in my room and more money, I would buy a sewing machine and build like a whole craft area just for me.

Ahhhhhh I'm so addicted to Brothers and Sisters! No money yet to buy the series and and I can't find any online that doesn't take hours to load. I seriously need to fill up the void in my life. Food is no longer an option. I'm so fat now.

lol clumsy

2009-04-04T02:47:00.003+08:00

After tonight's meeting, I'm feeling really excited about Mount Stong! Yeah baby yeah! I'm freaking excited. Lol I have to think about what cameras I need to buy/bring, on top of getting a hamster. Actually I'm buying a cage from this pet shop at gombak which have 3 dogs (1 husky, 1 husky crossbreed, 1 mini schnauzer). The uncle was really nice and I want to buy stuff from him just to see the dogs lol. We got better accquainted with them and I'm especially attached to the crossbreed one. He follows me everywhere I go and he likes to sniff my hamster food. Sooooo cuteeee!

I need to train and pray that my spine doesnt cave to prepare for ayam/stong. And I'm the clumsiest person I know- ask nadya or zaki, they'll tell you what happened the last hiking trip i went.

1) I cannot climb that 90degree slope and got plenty of cuts on my hands and kept sliding down till zaki and another guy had to push my butt. LOL.
2) I ran into the mud thinking it was clear water and sank in till my upper thighs. This was in front of stefen chow (everest climber, amazing photographer, I've been following his flickr) and he said 'I've never seen anyone sink that deep into the mud'
Here the most memorable thing was seeing nadya's shocked face as she was trying to pull me out while balancing on the log. Hhahaha damn i am such a bane.
3) My groupmates, who were also my lecture classmates (damn embarassing lah they're fratboys) said by the end of the hike 'waliao eh she damn suay today'
HAHAHA. I still dont believe anyone can be clumsier than me.

Aiyoyo need to start doing steppers already and train stamina and strength. Zaki cannot lift my buttock already man. Lol.

Kookipoo drew me a bernese mountain dog on fb. He is so talented.

Orange Cinnamon Soap

2009-04-01T14:02:00.004+08:00

Here be my soap!

First time making soap and I'm blown away by the result. 100% natural (coconut oil, palm oil, rice bran oil, freshly grated oranges, cinnamon)

Now I'm leaving it to cure for about a week before it can be used! My closet smells tangy now.

I should open up a soap blog soon. Next soap: Lavender

Anyone who wants to try my soap for free please email me your home address so this baby gets delivered to you.

soapy news.

2009-03-31T23:44:00.001+08:00

wooohooo! I MADE SOAP TODAY! It was really scary at first to handle the lye but I was really careful and used so much tissue that I became a threat to the trees. I started at 3, finished at 5... I've really got to invest in a stick blender because stirring with my own hands made them want to fall off. Now the soap is in the oven, and I can say hello to it tomorrow morning. How lovely. I couldnt help but pop my head inside to smell my soap.

It's orange cinnamon! Hehe. I'll make lavender soap next.

I'm really bored that kelvin is busy with dota, but at the same time I dont want to go out because I'd rather laze around and save on transport while having all the time to create new soaps.

Well, it's not like any of you can't come over. I have a massage chair and wii. Just call me lol.

2009-03-30T23:12:00.004+08:00

Kelvin is making me fatter. But he's getting skinnier even with all the oily food he eats.

I'm still trying to make soap. Sodium hydroxide was so hard to find, who thought coconut oil would be my downfall this time. Sigh. Damn it, I have to be positive.

Btw this week I cant go out because my face has started peeling from the sunburn I got from swimming. Long story.

I got to talk to Adam yesterday. I miss him to bits.

EDIT: Kelvin loh is perturbed that my friends add him on facebook. WHYYYYY WHYYYYYY must you add him.

2009-03-22T22:05:00.003+08:00

i was sick of the old layout so i just put this really cute picture of me for a while. HAHA.

my life is boring. i dont go out anymore. i stay at home everyday.

2009-03-20T21:35:00.002+08:00

And she may cry like a baby
And she may drive me Crazy
'Cause I am lately lonely

2009-03-20T20:05:00.002+08:00

Oh my god OBVIOUS grammatical errors are like acid to my eyes.

Please people, please learn english.

2009-03-19T12:23:00.002+08:00

I had a fever since friday. Gosh all the flu and cough and being giddy. My temperature just went down today. Oh god, I haven't seen kelvin for 6 days. I miss him. lol. i'm so hungry also. all week of starving and just drinking milo to survive has to end.

i miss youuuuu

2009-03-15T15:50:00.000+08:00

God is in the rain.

....

2009-03-12T22:22:00.001+08:00

Ana is bored...

lol sry.

she got it too

kelvin makes me a smitten kitten

2009-03-11T22:25:00.004+08:00

I had an incredible time today. Perhaps incredible is an understatement, but oh today was amazingggggg. Today is Kelvin Loh's birthday! He is 20!!! So old, I don't wanna age.

I woke up super early to remake the cupcakes I made for him the night before. It turned out much better and softer. I'm so bad at baking, I screw up every single thing I bake but this one turned out good. So Kwelwvin liked my birthday cupcakes and he made a wish for peace and all those miss universe wishes. lol.

Oh today was just so great, I'm in love with today. I dont want to sleep because I want to relive every moment of it. I can't stop smiling heheheheheee.

Cake, Wii, Breeks, LAN Gaming, (and birthday boy getting lucky hehehe.)
Birthday boy agreed that today was fantastic.

I love you!

He starts work tomorrow and I bet he's going to be great at it.

(:

*smitten*

finally, a post without the f-word. (okay only one.)

2009-03-05T00:20:00.004+08:00

My viewership has decreased tremendously. Perhaps it's the ghastly blog skin or my reluctance to update regularly. Since I've been boy-crazy lately, what's new.
Sigh what a boring life I lead.

I would like to say THANK GOD EXAMS ARE OVER but I'm really scratching out my skin staying at home all week. It has been really boring. I have absolutely nothing to do. I'm going insane!

Sigh I'm kinda bumming around waiting for cutie boy to get tired of playing dota. Lol it's every right of an insane controlling creepy gf to start chewing on the computer wires and smash my head into his computer.

This new dota obssession thing would mean that I'll be left unentertained unless some big crisis comes up, like I'm getting fat or something. I bet if I was taken hostage at gun point he'll go 'I'm sorry dear, let me play dota for one more hour.'

Boys...let them play, they say. Boys will be boys yadayadaydada. Can't they be manly like cut wood or something? After they're done with dota, they go straight to porn. WHATTHEFUCK! Hey that's not fair! What kind of sex can you get from the computer screen?!!!

See, this is where I Bale Out. FFFFFFFFKNNCB!!!

If there was anything I could destroy it would the gaming and porn industry. And maybe just men, in general. Just thinking about men makes my blood boil. I am so aggravated.

You know, I care and I always put other's needs before mine and I've been really nice and stuff, I dont say what's on my mind because I dont want to piss you off, and most of the time I keep my bloody mouth shut to make people happy. And when THIS happens and suddenly you start taking me for granted it makes me want to kill myself just to spite you. If only I was interested enough to play dota so that I could get hooked onto it for months and not care about anyone else so that when you come to me begging for attention i'll be able to say 'I'm sorry dear, I'm playing and I'll get back to you when I get sick and tired of this.'

Laugh all you want, boys.

retarded rafhana

2009-03-01T19:06:00.008+08:00

Exams are over! Phew, time to recuperate. I havent slept in daysss. I didnt sleep yesterday either. On friday after the last paper me and rohh walked out of T1A and I turned to him and said, 'Do you know this is the last time we're going to be classmates?' Aww it was sad. I'm no longer the spoiled bitch in class. Haha.

So my mum went back from Australia after working there for a month, and my teeth are going to rot eating the 3 big bigbig packets of nougats she brought home. She got my lil sis two aussie teddy bears, dressed up like barn people and they're soooo cuddly. They feel like babies so I'm stealing the boy bear from her. I loveee playing with them and pretending they're my babies. HAHA, such is the adult life.

Anyhoo, the rain is bringing up much pretty stuff to look at..

rainbowwwww.

And since mum's absence at home I;ve been doing alot of cooking and kitchen wrecking. Oh boy I cook almost everyday.

weird pastry stuff I invented and it was gooooood.

Tomato soup!

And yesterday I grilled barbeque chicken to go with the tomatoes. I'm on a roll here!

Also since exams are over and kelvin is busy with boy stuff I thought I get started on a little something...

KNITTING! I'm almost done now! I was knitting since 12 am Saturday night till 5am today.

I'm getting very annoying. Being too happy and free isn't good for me.
Anyhoooo I'm going out with kelrvin rohhhhohohoho tomorrow and I'm pretty annoyed with his obsession with DotA.

I'm getting LYE on tuesday and finally I can make soap hohohoh

vjvjctcyrxtrxj

2009-02-26T20:34:00.004+08:00

Before I start, stop rubbing it in my face that your papers ended already lol. I'm on the verge of collapse and I have not slept and I'm so tired from the vigorous studying. Just about when I'm about to hurrah for completing 4 papers already, I'm starting to feel depressed again. 1 paper left, 1 freaking paper that can't fuck itself so I don't have to indoctrinate my brain with ridiculous life saving hydraulics for the next 17 hours. Albeit a torturing day tommorow, it's also very sad that it'll be my last day in school.

I'm going to miss it so much.

School is an excuse for me to see kelrvin rohh everyday without looking clingy. Lol. I'm never going to have those days back. Walking in circles, taking bus rides to places, eating like a litter of hungry piglets, all these after school, was more than I ever wanted. There's something different about getting the fullest attention from your class rep. It makes everyone hate me. The class doesnt talk to me. Lol too bad, I'm actually very nice. It's just that I'm spoiled. So I actually didn't make new friends this semester, apart from being kehpoh in roh's fyp group and feeling utterly pleased that I was the only one with nehnehpok. Spinnovex was fun though. I got to talk to old people, like wayne! I adore him and his mosquito patches!

Sigh, I'll miss school. But now i need to study. Damn it.

toodles.

Ps. Nettie, if you must know, Vincent broke up with me!

2009-02-23T22:47:00.004+08:00

I know, I havent updated. I have 2 more freaking papers people! Today's paper was errr alright I guess, only that I doubt thermal efficiency could be 128%. Method marks would be really nice. I had no time to finish studying because monkey likes to drag me to places without telling me where we're going.

We were 15 minutes lateee for the paper. Thank god my favourite fab materials II lecturer was invigilating. Now that it is over, time to mug hard for PME and Fluid Mechanics! Who thought mechanical engineering was this tough!

Damn my leg muscles are strained. I'm not trained like monkey to walk around for hours.

I saw Izzah today and its nice to see old faces around lol. (:

[v day was spent with monkey at cedar carnival. it was bleargh bloody expensive. after that we walked and walked then we saw kuda kepang and started freaking out that we walked away really fast.]

2009-02-13T00:17:00.002+08:00

BLAHHHHHH.

maybe i should give you a pet name. like uhm cookie poo or boo or uhm kooo or vinnie or vinu. my god this curry is really poisoning me.

2009-02-09T22:00:00.001+08:00

haha this is my 600th post and i would like to say that you're still cute and lovely.

2009-02-09T21:19:00.002+08:00

my spine may never get better. I ran last week only to find that it's been bothering me till now. sigh. so much for wanting to save on medical bills.

i havent been sleeping for a week or so and i started sleeping again on saturday. i'm really zonked out right now.

i hope things hold together till valentines day eh. i hope we can pick of the bloody shards and put it back together.

animal lovin'

2009-02-04T00:16:00.003+08:00

There's nothing more I enjoy than going to holland v to see puppies. Today there were 3 schnauzers and one beagel! They were pretty girls just 2 months old. I love the schnauzers. They were really smart and if you put your hand on the glass they'll wave back! Kelvin really loves the beagel. How come there are never any retriever puppies! We saw a samoyed puppy at the back. I love samoyeds but it's so cruel to keep them in a hot country.

I cannot wait to get a doggggggg!

We saw a scottish fold kitten in another pet shop. So cute! I wish I crapped out money so I could buy one.

2009-02-02T22:14:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOD. Today kelvin and me went shopping for supplies for my new body bath line despite being so sleepy and cranky. We spent 47 bucks on sushi and ramen (tsk tsk told you not to eat the sushi on the black plates!) Anyway, I got home after that (and standing outside my house) I was horrified to hear my little sister from inside the house crying as though she was being tortured. It turned out that my mum was on webcam and my sister cried like a really really poisonous mandrake baby. My mother will be in Australia for a month. I wonder how the heatwave is treating her in melbourne. Since mum is away it's my time to shine in the kitchen (right now I OWN the kitchen yeah!) so I'm going to take this one month as time to make my soap, body scrubs, lotions, etc.

Today after I reached home I made a cinnamon and ginger body scrub! Then I bathed and scooped it onto my body and OH MY GOD IT WAS SO HEAVENLY. The smell of the spices crept up into my nose and it was so relaxing and I could feel all my dead skin withering away. After I got out of the shower I've never felt so clean in my life and oh my skin is as smooth as a baby's butt. Gonna take some to kelvinloh tomorrow and let him try it out.

Had trouble with the oil, will use just half a cup next time. BUT OH SO SPICY SCRUB YUM YUM!

Tomorrow I will make lotion!

2009-02-01T22:43:00.000+08:00

Did you know that many things we use on our body are harmful to us? We are exposed to synthetic chemicals in foods as well as in skin care products. Paraben, commonly found in skincare products as a preservative is causing controversy as some believe that it can cause breast tumor or cancer. Get a load of this- it's in your deodorant, shampoo, lotions, etc. We are subjected to dangerous chemicals since the moment we are concepted, to the time of death. Scary isn't it?

Lucky for you I've been hiding at home working on my new line of bath products. All natural, no preservatives.

They'll smell so yummy, and so delightful for your skin!

all you have to do now is waittttt.

2009-01-29T20:29:00.001+08:00

I aplogise for the very short posts. I'm not well right now. Be back when I'm mentally fit.

2009-01-25T00:20:00.002+08:00

Oh sarang hae yo! Dangsinege banhaet-ssum-nida! Jo-rang gyo-ronae juseyo?

2009-01-24T12:43:00.001+08:00

Fuck you fyp! Viva fucking suck! Well I hope you're happy now!

2009-01-19T01:00:00.001+08:00

I do all the stupid crappy shitty things for you and that stupid fat bugger gets your attention. I hope you are happy now!

2009-01-15T23:17:00.000+08:00

so worried so worried so worried

please come back home soon :(

2009-01-09T22:43:00.000+08:00

3rd day of spinnovex. 1 day to go. I can't walk anymore and I'm getting ill.

there's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth

2009-01-08T10:04:00.005+08:00

Was in the IPC lab for Spinnovex for the whole day yesterday. It was so boring that I hopped to kelvin's booth to watch corny anime and play geochallenge oh facebook. Today is my off day so I get to sleep in, get another blouse for spinnovex, go shop by myself and watch regular television. My back hurts right now and my feet are crushed and blistered from wearing killer heels yesterday. I can't remember having proper sleep since xxx days.

Last night I went to chinatown and it was new to me because I always get lost around there and people like to stare at me. Got the usual stares last night, maybe it's the chinese bringing a malay around thing, so idk. But people were nice to me unlike being in the usual neighbourhood where the old uncle or aunty are just nasty. We went to this dessert shop where I had mango pudding with real mango, it was so strong it sort of numbed your tastebuds to other flavours that you needed to sip the almond soup to neutralise it. We also had coconut cake which was really nice and cold. After that we were fat and full, really contented with ourselves and with eyes half closed, we took the train home.

Was such a lovely day. I recall running from foodcourt 6 to IPC lab barefooted, flinching at the sharpness of the road gravel.

boy i miss your kisses

2009-01-07T00:20:00.004+08:00

I'm pretty much a zombie right now. Before the match I took some painkillers and I've been stoned ever since. I just reached home 30 minutes ago, and I really really abhor tampines and the east side! Anyway, I've been having a great time the past few days. Happy for most days, and lesser fights, more poking flabby tummies.

Chicken tikka and tomyum was gooood. Though I preferred the chicken tikkas I had at hongkong, this was okay. I only had one because kelvin gobbled up the rest.

I'm on the roll. Been watching movies after movies. First Ip Man, then that Saturday we watched Yes Man, which was remarkably good and funny, and then Monday we watched Twilight just to see how stupid it was.

So Twilight, hmmm. I can't stop laughing at the ridiculousness and the immaturity of it all. Vampires glitter under sunlight, WHAT? The whole movie was just so stupid and we kept laughing and laughing. The script was horrible, that bella girl couldnt act, the fight scene was like 5 mins? The part where bella got bitten and was going to die and then edward was sucking the venom out to save her was SO FUNNY. It was somehow the worst movie I've ever watched besides battlefield earth. 'I know what I want, i want to be with you forever,' LOLOLOLOL. This part made me squeal. I've been reciting the horrible bella script to kelvin just to give him the shits. Come on, they're only 17! WTF it's so bloody puppy love, like you know who you want to be with forever when you're 17! The story couldnt even progress properly.

I'm a sucker for vampire stories, I have the whole collection of Anne Rice in my room, I'm a sucker to vampire movies, but this has got to be the stupidest vampire movie I've ever watched. I don't know if the book is any better but every teenager is reading it so I'm just going to grow up and read some kiran desai or sylvia plath.

enough zombie rambling, i'm so drained and i'm getting breakfast with kelkel early morning. I have the most amazing black heels ever. someone chose it for me. (:

cough

2009-01-03T10:27:00.002+08:00

I woke up early to go to training (was so excited about this for a very long time) only to find that my blasted monstrous cough has not subsided, it has in fact, turned all yellow and disgusting and I can't breathe with a blocked nose and throat inflammed with phelgm. Ugh so I have to travel all the way to somewhere to sell my dvd to this johnny depp fan. (I'm selling away all my johnny depp dvds...not that i've lost interest in him, just that i need money to make soap.)

So I'm trying to get kelvin to go out with me today by means of persuasion and hardcore jewish mother using guilt to make people do things for them. LOL. I don't think I can walk much though, the doctor gave me lots of painkillers and cough medicine and it's making me all drowsy.

I think I'm going to open a soap blog soon.

mighty hands, motherland, unite and free

2009-01-01T22:12:00.004+08:00

So here's what I've came up with.

I'm really really sick, what a way to start the new year. lohoho why did you infect meeee. the cough is seriouly putting my spine out of whack again.

Yesterday, new year's eve, me and loh went to watch Ip Man. It was so cool at first, but I hated the mandarin dub. I prefer to watch it in cantonese haha. Then when the war came I was cringing alot because there was alot of blood and unexpected shooting. I was covering my eyes and eating lots of popcorn to distract myself. It was one of the coolest fight scenes I've ever watched but then kelvin showed me another one of donnie yen's mma fight scene, but i prefered the wing chun more because it has more grace then say, jiu jitsu and boxing stuff. kelvin suggested I take jiu jitsu. HAHA what? One lesson of muay thai and I was going to die, jiu jitsu is tough man. With this bad back someone's going to throw me down and make me incapable of walking forever. I don't know what un-loner life turned me into, because i've become the biggest bag of girl crap in the history of girldom. I used to watch war movies ALONE and opened my eyes huge and watched people blow each other brains off, watched Barry Pepper step on a landmine and get blown. (ugh.) I'm such a pansy nowadays. Either that or I'm showing off to lohoho that I'm very pretty and girly. But i'm really really scared!

I spent so much money yesterday because someone just had to get broke by going for a feet massage. I am truly a mamasan. A very kind mamasan too, who doesn't ask to be be paid with steamy sex with 10000000000 sweaty young men. Sigh. As women age, we don't get laid anymore. Sad, really. Talk about lubricating wrinkled vaginas.

I taste blood in my throat. My cough is HORRIBLE.

I thought I was going to have roses in 2008. I did, somehow. Alot of things happened, the events that made us cry, laugh... made us stronger, the whirlwind of emotions, the happiness... my diary that was filled up with smilies and drawings of broken hearts, with 'louvre', 'starbucks' and 'ikea' written all inside it. The year seemed endless when I was happy. When I was sad, it seemed as though 2008 had no roses for me. But when I think about all the things that happened, I'm so grateful for everything. And I'm so happy because I got to experience all this with you. Geez, this may sound cheesy but we don't just walk through life and meet random people. How many times can you walk through life and find your soulmate? How many people know what is going on in your mind, your shifting moods, know you through and through?

My new year's resolution is also to pray for you to be happy.

Happy new year.

gibber gibber gibber

2008-12-29T20:32:00.004+08:00

I was so excited for the first day of school because it dawned upon me that I have 7 weeks left before, well before school ends for me, *whispers* forever. In spite of shitty things that happened, which I choose not to elaborate and complain about (because life is amazing, it doesn't have to be shitty and depressing and I don't want more shittiness and go back to feeling shitty again, so I will spend the few hours that I have left before Monday ends, to be creepy and positive,) I almost exploded from the cuteness of monday.

(wow, that was a very long sentence, sry.)

We went to holland V to see puppies! Omg there was a samoyed, a welsh corgi and my absolute favourite, the english cocker spaniel ;) She was so shy and so cuteeeee. Just 2 months old, and her coat is beautiful. She had big puppy eyes and she was gazing at us really really cutely. She was trying to bite her toy but her mouth was too small. I could've just died there from all the cuteness! iloveheriloveheriloveher i want to bring her homeeee.

Well I'm supposed to study my cursed thermodynamics notes which refuses to write in itself. And my pme project which has taken a toll on me.

I'm going to make it a point to jog 5 times a week as a new year's resolution. And oh, eat healthily. Drink milk of course, to build up my bones (they are really really fragile.) Also, drink 2 litres of water a day. And save money! Once I get everything sorted out, i'll formulate a 2009 new year's resolution. I also think I will start learning how to make soap.

I dont know what I'm gibbering about, but but but, I will not let anything dampen my creepy positive happy cheery spirits tonight. A toast to having a really bad phelgm!

luvluvluvluv.

my god i'm so happy today.

2008-12-25T21:00:00.003+08:00

I love today. I spent more than 5 hours with the person I wanted to see for Christmas. He got me lots of stuff from Japan and I'm so happy that he is back hehe. It's just so amazing how 5 hours feel like 30 minutes.

Look how happy he is with the present I gave him.

Merry Christmas.

all i want for christmas is youuuu.

2008-12-24T17:38:00.003+08:00

I'm having a splitting headache and I'm still managing a post. I should get a medal for this.

I watched Oprah this morning and it struck a chord. I am afraid to be happy because I'm afraid of downfall, that maybe one day my happiness would end.

I am a destination addict. It's been true with weight loss, everything that I want in life. Because I'm so afraid to be happy, I settle for 'good but not enough, and then complain.' No wonder Kelvin said I complain so much. No wonder nothing is ever good enough. No wonder I find myself inadequate. Maybe a few years ago I wished I had someone really special, and after that when I was on the verge of hardcore emotional death, I said it's alright because if you are happy then I will be happy. But then we got a step higher and I am not happy. Seeing you happy doesn't make me happy because I'm not happy. The things people do for me doesn't make me happy because it was never enough. I refused to be happy because I'm afraid that the day I put on a genuine smile I would lose everything.

I always feel like I do so much for other people but they did anything for me. I feel like the only one who's running around, pleasing everybody. Did I feel happy? To a certain extent but I feel so uncared for. But what I didn't see was that I am significant to someone's life and that should be the thing I should be happy about. So what the hell am I complaining about?

List 10 things that you are happy about.

1) I am a bloody good writer. My articles are top 2 and 3, and the lousy ones are at the top 15% at least
2) I take very good pictures.
3) If you're smart enough, I'm the least boring person you'll ever meet.
4) I am significant.
5) I am happy that I have a complete family that never had to face a bitter divorce. Plus my parents are really rich because they crap out loads and loads of money and I get cool gadgets from them every year for my birthday.
6) I can draw PEOPLE!
7) I'm not hopeless. I dont stare at someone's picture 24/7 when I'm in love with them while drooling all over the keyboard.
8) I am actually pretty smart.
9) I am kind and caring. (That's why I get to sleep with lots and lots of people every week.)
10) I have the bestest person to share my life with.

There's no need to pursue happiness. Because it gets further and further away. We'll never be happy. I've been waiting my whole life to be happy. Inside ourselves there actually resides a happy place. This is the place where when everything else in life fails, we can always run back to. And this is something no one can take away from us. When you're happy, you'll attract happy things in life. No wonder some people are never happy. They can't find the happiness within.

So I need to meditate and do some weird self-help stuff because I'm ready to admit that I am actually, happy.

It's the seventh day and I'm actually chipper! I can't wait to see/speak to cheesing again.

all I want for christmas is youuuuuuu

i keep asking why

2008-12-23T20:46:00.000+08:00

I finally moved my humungous butt to get cheesing's christmas present today. Oh it is so cute, I spent time grooming it and now it looks so cuddly...I even got a tag for it. Now I want to keep it! I got Net's present ages ago, and all the christmas cards have been sent out. I didn't manage to get everyone's address because they're cheesing's friends and they refuse to be online, so I have got 8 cards left. I have no idea who to give them to. Half of my 'friends' hate me and the other half don't do christmassy stuff, so most of them get sent overseas. Meh, boring. But yay we do presents this year and dinner!

My bones are aching really bad. I forced myself to eat a little dinner today because the pain on my chest was too much. I don't know what's wrong.

=(

I hope I'll still be alive for cheesing to see me when he comes back.

then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all

2008-12-22T10:30:00.004+08:00

The weather today is lovely. It's such a waste to be at home. I was imagining being in the double decker bus and moving under rows and rows of trees with tiny yellow flowers... 2 days to christmas!!! woot time pasts awfully fast doesn't it. You know if I were 20 dollars richer I probably wouldn't be home right now. But oh well I have 12 dvds to watch a projects to do, plus my ribs are sticking out really ugly-ly, I just hope I don't lose any of my boobs. I'm supposed to be out looking for cheesing's christmas present today but I feel so lazy...and I have no idea what I'm droning on about... i'm pretty restless, i dont feel like eating. I didnt eat any meals yesterday and ate like a few pieces of bread on saturday, my appetite is gone and food is just revolting to me. I'm thinking of all types of food and I'm pretty much going to throw up thinking about them. The smell of fish and eggs are horrible to me and ugh everything is horrible. I just find that since wednesday I'm just eating for the sake of surviving so I just eat and it tastes like ugh. Anyway I feel like a really obese cow because this period is making me all bloated and disgusting. I'm so ashamed to let anyone see me. Maybe I should just stay at home and come out of the house next year.

Time to start planning for 2009's new year's resolution. And I need a new diary.

2008-12-21T19:29:00.002+08:00

I havent been eating well. The smell of food makes me want to puke. Yet I'm not hungry. I just feel very sick and tired.

2008-12-20T20:04:00.003+08:00

CALM DOWN ANA, CALM DOWN.

i'm glad i'm not losing my memory.

2008-12-20T14:59:00.003+08:00

I woke up this morning, shoot, I forgot all about 18th december.

A year ago I went to school to do my CAD homework during the holidays because I couldn't do the trajectory thing. Then my classmate, Kelvin, who recently started talking to me offered to help me with my hairdryer and he was pretty brilliant, doing his whole CAD magic, like a tech savvy fairy. It was pretty late after we were done and we went out for dinner, at siam kitchen, where i ordered this dish I'm still very fond of now, and kelvin ordered a green curry. I got the lemon grass tea because I didnt know what lemon grass was and regretted not knowing because it sucked. The green curry made kelvin sick and he swore off siam kitchen for the rest of his dining life. After that we took the lrt to bukitpanjangplaza, where he showed me the cool lrt windows. Then we had our first starbucks. He got me a large caramel mocchiato and he had some tea. A year later, I still have the dinner receipt pinned onto my board, and the most interesting conversation I've ever had with anyone in my entire life replaying in my head. Little did I know, that night was the beginning of a very special friendship, a deep connection and closeness anyone could ever feel with another human being, and a whole load of emotions and suprises that came along with it.

And I pretty much sound crazy here, but here is my tribute, to my companion.

I still feel very sleepy. And I'm so poor. I regret spending 20 bucks on scrap book items yesterday.

2008-12-19T21:57:00.001+08:00

I feel like my brain is about to implode.

I am so goddamn tired I think I can sleep for a month and not wake up.
Goodnight.

i love your boney hugs.

2008-12-18T22:02:00.002+08:00

This boy is probably sitting in his plane to Japan right now, ready for take off. I was happy for him but I'm getting a little depressed now. I have to get used to not having him to talk to everyday and not hearing the puppy noises. My msn and my phone are going to be empty. We thought it'd be our first christmas but... he'll be back on christmas. In the meantime I've booked Nettie on the eve. It's going to be fun writing christmas cards for his friends and my friends. If i had more money I probably would go out everyday so that 7 days will fly past really fast. It's not helping that I have an appointment with orthopedics to get to, projects and studying for tests.

I'm going to miss you pumpkin. I'm getting you a dog this christmas.

(:

(Btw, caught the flu again, am falling sick, have no been eating well and puking alot, I swear I'm a lot thinner now, can't sit painlessly with the spine, I think i'm having a slip disc... sleep is okay, but moving is a bitch. It hurts so bad. And I miss floorball. I want to go training =[ )

2008-12-16T15:55:00.002+08:00

One more post before my life decays. My back is bad. I think there's something seriously wrong with it. It's been a week. I'm going to the doctor tmr, promise. I had diarrhea and vomitting today.

kthxbye.

a little creative than the usual morbid post.

2008-12-14T21:52:00.000+08:00

Am I ever going to have a normal life? Never. From being depressed and morbid then suicidal, to happy cheery and optimistic. It’s never going to end is it? I’m back to square one.

There is nothing I would live for.

Pardon the moroseness of this whole post, there isn’t going to be more happy-being-in-love posts, no gratefulness for the pace of the universe, no pictures. So swiftly the things that made us smile to the blank wall, when we wake up in the morning is taken away from us. The momentary pleasure, the orgasm of life, the quick death. What happened to being content with the way everything is, unmoving, things that are just there when you need it?

Who are they to judge us? Who are they to call us selfish? If you knew what it is like to live on the verge of extinction, waking up feeling like everyday is an obstacle, feeling like you’re the most insignificant little fuck there is to anyone’s life… are we so selfish? It is our right to die. Would you cry? No one would. We’re the forgotten, abandoned by god, crawling in a tunnel with no end. The euphoria of life only lasts a while. After the feeling is gone, the pain perpetuates how foolish you were, thinking there is actually light at the end, a lighthouse in the vast sea. When actually hope is bleak, because nothing is ever going to change.

Though after saying all this, an inch deep inside of me wants to survive. Just to see if things could change, if one day I could be genuinely happy. But the shit endures. The long lasting shit that smears all over your face till you can’t see or smell anything other than the feces. One day you’ll just snap and pull the fucking trigger. How tiring it is to wake up all hollowed, your eyeballs sinking into the prevailing tears residing in the socket.

I would give anything to live like a normal person. I wish I didn’t stare at weird spaces thinking of stories I would write when I get home. I wish I didn’t have such a low pain threshold. I wish my soul wasn’t beyond repair.

Me? I’m not smart, I don’t make witty comments, I can’t write as well as you and I’m a bad artist. Sometimes I’m just saying this so that people would say, ‘Oh no, you’re great.’ But sometimes I just curl up in bed crying because I know I am inadequate.

I am inadequate.

I’m simply not good enough that is why everyone leaves at the end.

Love dies, beauty fades, friends leave. And you will always be alone.

2008-12-11T22:35:00.001+08:00

If you dont know what to write about, attempt suicide. Failure means you have something to write, success means all your problems are over.

2008-12-11T10:11:00.003+08:00

I have injured my back and I can't sit even for a minute and i have to keep my back really straight. I am bedridden! Plus I am pissed off that no one seems to care and I dont seem to get why I care so much. I like my efforts and the fact that I care go unwasted and responded. This is unfair. I think I wasted my time.

I think I wasted almost a year.

Fuck.

anger, much.

2008-12-08T22:34:00.003+08:00

I am infuriated.

I am angry because there is nobody like me. I am angry that you don’t get ticked off my religious people. I am angry that you’re nice to your mother who made your childhood a living hell. I am angry that you maintain a good relationship with your parents. I am angry that you don’t care about people as much as I care for them. I am angry that you are not angry at people who obviously despise you. I am angry that you are forgiving. I am angry that you have a social life. I am angry that you can let go of your past. I am angry that you have esteem. I am angry that you don’t do the things I wish you would do. I am angry because you’re not a robot. I am angry that you don’t bother making me cookies to make me happy. I am angry that you’ll never do these nice things that I do to you. I am angry that you don’t seem to care. I am angry that you are not clingy. I am angry that you are not perfect. I am angry because I’m not in control. I am angry because I have nothing else in life. I am angry that you’re peaceful. I am angry that you can say ‘fuck you’ to me and I can’t say it back. I’m angry that I can say ‘I love you’ to you and you can’t say it back. I’m angry because no one is as angry as me.

I am angry because I am hateful. I am angry because I cling like a wet shirt on your body. I am angry because I am insecure. I am angry because I am me.

babbling, again.

2008-12-03T19:43:00.005+08:00

I find babbling incessantly about *giggles* very gratifying. I am ashamed of myself for being such a girl, but ahhh I'm so happy. 'Love is a mutual self-giving that ends in self-recovery.' I suppose I am a bit hateful inside, but it's slowly ceasing because kelvin loh is the greatest, kindest person I've ever known, and he makes me grow, teaches me to be a better person, patient (with a few screams and hateful tears now and then) with me. I was screwed up. I was broken and suicidal. You have no idea how much better I am now. Adam would be so proud of me.

Look out for a man with the water sign, he will make you happy. Look out for a dark-haired sagittarius, and a fair-haired fire sign, and they will make you feel good once again. There is happiness in your future.

I've found the man with the water sign. I know the fair-haired lady. Who shall be the dark-haired sagittarius? Let's see if this holds true. I am truly happy with pisces man :)

I love going to ikea and yesterday I ate the fish and chips and it was the best fish and chips I've ever had. We usually go there for the Daim cake, which is gorgeous and yummy, and also the free flow of coke lol. I'm sending christmas cards to people, so drop me with your address if you want one (:

It's the second day since my sister flew to new delhi. The other side of the house is empty- I'm all alone. Kelvin might not be here for christmas, I'm starting to hear the crickets already.

EDIT:

FUCK BOYS AND THEIR STUPID VIDEO GAMES! Death to crisis core/fallout/red alert/warcraft/and what have you. This is so annoying! annoying! annoying!!!! fuck, i;m having a bitchfit and i have no one to talk to! ass!

you are my high.

2008-11-29T23:28:00.003+08:00

The best way to make a girl happy? Tell her she's like a malamute puppy, fat and cute, but more cute than fat. Another good way to make a girl happy is to take the wrong bus to the wrong bus stop and wait for the right bus for over an hour.

Hehe. (:

I finally got my headphones today. I am so freaking happy! It's blackkkkkk.

Okay I have nothing interesting to write about. Probably about the mumbai bombings or the monotonous droning of my ambitions. But I'm too weary for that now. I am desperate for a body massage.

Toodles.

popcorn

2008-11-27T21:28:00.003+08:00

Being the usual insecure, really fat, really ugly (now i must emphasise that if I wasn't fat, I wouldnt be ugly, because I was hot when I was thin a couple of years ago) self, my seeming uncontrollable jealousy makes me unproductive. Unproductive meaning moping about, browsing through many pictures of deceased she-male ex-es, then feel shitty about self that you completely forget about the homework and stupid meaningless report you have to do that night. It's worse when the object of affection seems caught up by pictures of the object of my envy. Because I feel more and more desolate and uncherished, until I'm left to rot in the cabbage patch and turn into food for the crows.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'm not that all lovable.
But when you poke on my fats I feel all happy again. I need a fat poker. Poke me poke me poke me!

Today I watched Body Of Lies with kelvin. It was beyond scary that I used my scarf to cover my face for most of the scenes. I think it breeds islamophobia, somehow. Watching that wasnt so comfortable with imbeciles sitting in front repeating phrases 'insyallah' as a joke then laughing at it. Seriously, that's not funny you moron. It also shows how ignorant america is towards human lives, using innocent people as bait. Shows how cruel jihadists are, and all the politics. But as kelvin said, the movie was shining the spotlight on america about how they cannot be trusted, how they use people for their own advantage and all that. It wasn't a complete waste, but I do not like the movie.

Fyp is such an idiot.

2008-11-25T22:16:00.000+08:00

❤❤❤

today i love you, alot.

hello world.

2008-11-23T15:50:00.002+08:00

My roooooooom! Finally, finally.

I made my own 'chandelier'.

In front of my bed

Pardon the ugly dress, I just woke up from bed. lol.

I still want to change things like my curtain, maybe sew a red one, and put twinkly lights and a big picture behind my bed.

x-posted to ourbedrooms. Dont know if they moderated it yet.

boring stuff

2008-11-22T18:26:00.004+08:00

i miss you, i miss you, i miss you psp. My psp is in kelvin loh's house. Boys tsk tsk. They ignore you all night when they're playing game. It's so unfair because I really really want to finish playing starwars force unleashed over the weekend.

My back feels like breaking because I spent the whole day cleaning my room, and it was so filthy, that I found 2 dead lizards under my bed! I took out the dressing table and my dad drilled a mirror into the wall. I no longer have a coffee table, but i still have my fake sofa! My room is probably an ikea showroom, because everything is from ikea except the bed and the cupboard. Can't wait for tomorrow because it's the day I'll finally reveal my room to the whole wide world.

I miss going out. I miss having a proper date with kelkel.

of boys and love

2008-11-19T19:48:00.002+08:00

It's so psychotic. My friends ask me if it's official and stuff and I'd go like huh? There's supposed to be like an official ceremony to declare to the world how madly you are in love with each other? It's very tv like, what we have. So, so, drama, so complicated. Why worry about being on shaky grounds eh? Better sit back and watch everyone get boyfriends while we have this weird psychotic 'thing', shoving our tongues in each other's throats, have random dates and pangseh plans. I could possibly be the only one in love. Somedays I abhor you, but other days I find that you're perfect, and my eyes find nothing but you- that's when I'm madly in love with you.

babbling

2008-11-18T20:41:00.003+08:00

Wheel.
Coast.
III
The Last Performance

Photography I've done recently. Haha my skills suck donkey ass. ):

Relationships can be tough, I know, but can't you at least take 10 minutes of your bloody time for me? I'm not caught up with loh. I talk to loh, I talk to other people too. My life is not just loh you know. Because in the end I'll come crying to my girlfriends. It makes my life less sad, having people around, remembering them, and not taking them for granted. My sister shares the same sentiment. I guess both of us have had friends who ditched us after finding boys. Of course I feel hurt, and less interested when they expect us to come back whenever they want. So you know, whatever. It's not my lost exactly. I'm so used to getting ditched. I'll find something new. I always do.

I don't like Starbucks anymore. I get weird drugged drinks all the time. I don't even like coffee. Bubble tea is my new thing now lol.

sunday morning.

2008-11-16T21:35:00.007+08:00

Haha dad got tickets to the Singapore Flyer. Stop being so prissy and scornful, I think it's amazing being up there when it reaches maximum altitude. I had fun actually. Bet it would be prettier at dusk.

-

And then after that to my all time favourite amirah's grill at bussorah street. Try the barbeque chicken chop, the sauce is heaven. I got the chicken kebabs this time. The food is on the pricey side, 17 bucks for a really really small portion and two slices of potato. I'm so glad my daddy is rich. Next time Kelvin complains there are no good halal food around and attempts to lure me into a bak kut teh shop, I shall bring him here and empty the gold in his pockets, ho ho ho.

My kebab. A bit of a disappointment, because it tastes like satay, and the taste is still lingering in my mouth even after I've had dinner. I would really really recommend the barbeque chicken chop or steak.

Ambience and dining experience is great, with the exception of movers moving the furniture excessively upstairs, causing wood chips to fall onto the table and into my food, after which I closed my eyes and pretended it was pepper bits instead of bits of wood.

I'm going christmas shopping tomorrow with my sick guy. *rubs sick guy's tummy*
(:

From win and lose and still somehow

2008-11-15T21:58:00.003+08:00

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Both sides now, Joni Mitchell.

There's someone who wants to talk to me tonight. Despite how lonely I feel, I do not feel like responding. Because I feel so despondent. The more I try to run away from the truth, the more it wants to be seen, how it dances right in front of my eyes. We're world's apart. I could never ever be a part of his world because I'm different.

I push good things away. I make people not want to live with me. I hold them then I throw them in the sea. I don't deserve you.

-

Pity if this wasn't posted.

lalalala.

2008-11-14T23:31:00.004+08:00

Super super bored. I did another one which was super awesome but it's a huge file. Sigh

I met up with syaza today! Go out with me when you have money! Haha it was fun but short tooooooo. ): No super high maintenance, catching up at banquet was good enough. I am so broke for the rest of the month.

kelvin loh is sick today.
get well soon baby, i love you baby vin. xoxo.
(pukes out blood and dies laughing. HAHA)

mr loh, miss rosli, miss rosli

2008-11-12T20:32:00.004+08:00

Today was fun much. My sister, kelvin and I went to seoul garden. He was so fascinated and said it was like watching a tv show seeing my sister and I bickering at each other. Chicken is gooooooood.

Teaching kelvin how to knit with twine and pens. LOL.

Cheeeeese little boy.

My sister's boyfriend.

hahahaha.

my rooooooom

2008-11-09T21:06:00.002+08:00

I have a new study table omggggg! No more curling up on the floor or lying on the bed doing homework! No more backaches! I'm throwing my dressing table away and putting a huge mirror instead and then my room would be completed!

School tomorrow and i miss you!

2008-11-08T23:31:00.001+08:00

This fucking hurts.

look how they shine for you

2008-11-07T19:16:00.003+08:00

My brain is lacking insightful ponderings. It is now filled with slime and cobwebs. I miss doing absolutely nothing, like spend a Saturday morning reading a book, walking around spotlight and watching movies on my own. I used to be so independent. I used not to care whether people thought I was a lonely freak or a moron who likes to do things on her own. Now, everything has changed. When something so amazing happened to my life, the monotonous routine of spending quality time with me stopped. I stopped going to the library by myself, I stopped drawing and writing, the world that I knew, was at a stand still. The taste of something sweet makes me want more. It is how clinginess is developed. You spend so much time with someone that you want more.

Me? I am emotionally untrimmed. The whole bag of emotions residing inside of me is like an abandoned garden; imagine weeds, overgrown grass, dead flowers and wild growth. It needs to be gardened because my emotions are ravaging. I feel sorry for Kelvin who has to manage me. I am high maintenance. I will cry when someone does not want to talk to me. It makes me look like an ugly garden, infested with snakes and monsters, just like how the teaspoon-sized brain that I have is filled with unwanted thoughts. I am emotionally needy. It makes me sick to the stomach and I completely understand when you tell me I am sickening. It gets to a point where I become very selfish and think that the world revolves around me. I think that your activities revolve around my life, and your social life needs to be stopped because I want to be the only one you talk to. It is so fucking disgusting that writing this down makes me feel horrible about myself. In fact, I think that right now I should throw myself into a lion's den and let my body be devoured.

I have a lot to learn and these baby steps that I am taking are not enough to make you stand me. I am insecure and I constantly need somebody to tell me that I am definitely better than the rest of them. Flawed in everyway, deep inside I always feel shitty for being the person that I am, that I am probably your concrete wall from the rest of the world, your friends, your dreams. I am trying hard to change- to break the bones of my hand that is wrapped around your neck. It was not my intent to put you on a leash, to put you on a puppet show to please me all the time. It was not my intent to act like a sick person who constantly needs undying attention.

I need to snap out of this. My emotions are taking over my life and my brain. I cannot think like a logical person. I do things based purely on my emotions, with no regard for the needs of others. I need to be fixed.

I had a very good day today. Too bad, they put mutton in the noodles because I have sworn off beef and other animals alike. So every time I accidentally took a bite into a mutton chunk, I’ll scream ‘oops I ate the little goat!’

I wish people would talk to me at night because I am really lonely at home because my sisters don’t want to talk to me. I miss movie nights. =(

PROM.

2008-11-06T21:07:00.002+08:00

I want to go to prom! Sheesh, I've never actually been to a real one, like a prom not filled with just girls in their skimpy clothing. Plus the last one I went to I was wearing a not-so-fabulous outfit, with no make-up on, and left at 8. I didn't even sit with my class. So I beg you god, oh the divine lord, i pray to thee, please please let there be a prom at the end of poly because I'll be damned if there wasn't and I would label this 3 freaking years as the worst and boring years of my life, and I had already asked the prettiest boy in school to go with me. ):
He's so amazing and I want to dance with him in high heels, wearing the most cleavage revealing hot dress ever with blonde minah hair.

So in the meantime I'm just going to lose weight, train with loh for his ns, and shamelessly drool at the next killer prom dress I find.

Don't nag me! I have bloody lovely hair goddamnit.

the case when you have nothing better to do.

2008-11-05T20:21:00.004+08:00

forgive the spastic face, I took many shots that turned out horrible, but i freaking love my new hair

i miss my friends.

happy days are meant to last

2008-11-03T23:36:00.003+08:00

I'm bloody tired but I'm keeping myself awake so that I could catch Grey's Anatomy at midnight. I am so enjoying eating out but the hole in the pocket kind of burns. Lucky kelkel paid for dinner today. And we stayed at starbucks till ten finishing up pme report! It was so bloody cold.

I'm happy because I'm content. Yay. *loves*

2008-11-02T21:11:00.003+08:00

You make me happy.

Yesterday while at the hairdresser's kelkel asked me, 'If I go Japan, I'll be away for 7 days. Can tahan or not?'

Coop myself up in my room reading harry potter all over again, then okay.

smitten

2008-10-31T21:14:00.003+08:00

I'm watching Gossip Girl *gasps!* Okay I'm really bored and tired that I resulted to poison my eyes with a ridiculously shallow stupid show. Oh god how mind boggling. Pfft.

Me? I'm sad, I'm happy. When I'm happy I'll pester cheesing. When I'm sad, I'll torment cheesing. I don't like to treat him like a little boy. But he's always six in my eyes and I'll keep telling him to stop picking at the ugly scar on his lip until he stops!

lol I'm so smitten. remind me not to grope anyone's ass in mechanics lecture ever again.

2008-10-31T00:20:00.003+08:00

fights are getting hostile. I need to learn how not to be sarcastic and be supportive instead. Because I am becoming so uncaring that I spite people with my malicious tongue. hold back, ana. gotta stay at home for a while to read a book all about boys. i have never been the first one to apologise. why?

I fucking hate my pms-y class tutor. omg a pmsing male is scarier and more hateful than a female one. I have to harm my eyes seeing him 4 times a week! bloody fucking hell. I cannot believe I have to spend the rest of my semester following his make believe time table, have him screaming at us as though we're primary school kids, and seeing him jabbing his fat fingers into the boney shoulders of my favourite person across the room. ugh die! die!

I need to start studying for SATs.

haha

2008-10-27T17:02:00.004+08:00

I edited this image and I love it profusely.

I'm really bored sigh.

openhouse 2008!

2008-10-26T19:52:00.015+08:00

Phew, my openhouse has ended and I'm feeling really sticky and my eyes are really dry. Lots of people came, but there's tons of food left! I invited people but only those closest to me came. Thank you guys! I love you all lah. Openhouse was from 12-7pm. Kelvin and gary came at 2 and I had so much fun teaching them congkak, stuffing them with lots of food, talking, relaxing on the massage chair and adoring my lovely room! The rest of my Sp friends came at 4 something and we messed up our bedroom while camwhoring. I had a good time entertaining people dearest to me so I was grateful about the turnout. My little sister was such a show off, she actually danced in front of my friends. Lol. Her new favourite person is Mahera and she said she was malu to sit beside Nadya because Nadya is pretty. HAHA. Kelvin and gary left at 5 plus and it was really cool they stayed for a long time. And everyone else just left. Now my noisy cousins have possession of the house and my mum is desperately trying to give all the food away!

A lot of people said my room was really pretty... haha even my sister's friends sat in my room for a while. It was a bit embarassing when people saw the numerous picture of *toot* that I had framed in my room. Heehee.

(click and save!)

After all this I realised I forgot to take a picture of the handsomest guy in the house.

hello!

2008-10-25T17:10:00.003+08:00

Attention to friends,
I dont have everyone's phone number so don't get upset because I didnt send you an invite, but but but...
I am having a hari raya openhouse tomorrow, Sunday 26th December 2008, from 12-7pm!
Please be in your raya clothes or punjabi suits or whatever!
Call me for directions (I live in woodlands/marsiling) !
:)
xoxo

I jogged with this lovely boy today!

HAHAHA.