As you know, I came from Cedar Girls, which was in band 1 category (did you know? Haha!) I love boasting somewhat about Cedar because it's great, and we have really nice uniforms and a gorgeous physics teacher(ahem). That was when I *was* in that kind of social circle. We (We, as in not I, but pretty much of us.) looked down on neighbourhood schools, as if it's like mud on your skirt, something like that. Haha, like *insert sec sch here*'s school uniform is similar to ours and it was like EEEE! I remember the people I know (I don't think they fit in the 'friend' category) squirming and whining about it. Lol. Hey, I did hate it too. I cringed being in the same train compartment with any of them. Haha, it's so silly looking back. Puffing out your chest to show the Cedar badge and walk rather proudly.

And then most of the people I know looked down on neighbourhood schools and the idea of going to Polytechnic was like eating shit. I'm ashamed to remember it, but there was loads of people like that. That was why when I couldn't go to a JC I felt so ashamed of myself and cut of all ties with people for quite a while. It was devastating. I was more consumed in 'what are they going to say?' instead of 'what choices should I make?' My father's side is really concerned and boastful about results and shit like that, so I was very embarassed and had no idea where to hide my face. I don't hate polytechnics at all, but they do. Gosh, I will be totally honest here. I hate, hate the fact that upperclass people like them think that poly kids are totally stupid and they can't be helped(my mum included.) Some of my friends are like that. And reading someone's blog today totally pissed me off. I truly believe that polytechnics open more doors for you, and certainly, it's not the end of my world. Period.

So shut the fuck up, any of you, thinking that the idea of poly and poly students is so revolting that you would rather die than enter one. Fine, I respect your opinions, since you think you are all that, but cut of all ties with me. It means you despise me too, and you know I don't tolerate shit like that. Fuck off. I don't care how close you were with me, but if you can't be more open, then sorry. I've had enough of 'upperclass' people.

And I shall be brutally honest again, being in my secondary school was the worst experience of my life. I never had friends, I was too weird for them, I was usually alone. It brought out 'bad habits' and depression. I hate myself, I hated everyone. And then when I entered poly, I was awed because people were a lot nicer and more accepting. I was like wow, they are amazing, what have I missed out on? Then I thought, hah, if I never went to a non-neighbourhood secondary school, I would've had better social skills, I would've had more friends. Even those not so close to me in poly right now are like how it was with the people who were closer to me in secondary school. And it's a pity back then, because it took 4 years to create that kind of friendship, but it took only months to create the same thing where I'm at now.

Hey no offence to some people from my school reading this. I meant *SOME*. This entry was meant to offend you 'upperclass' people. Hehe.

No really, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, than spend time with people who look down on other people. If you think you're so good, I'm sure I'm better off without you. Haha.

Okay goodbye! I wanted to write something else actually. oh well.


Ah yes, I am a sadist. I find comfort in other’s suffering, only that I only find comfort in this insignificant other’s suffering. Hehehehe. Yes, yes, I will leave you alone. Seeing your journal only makes me puke. (and it’s good puke, mind you.) Ah, infatuation and immaturity does kill, don’t you know? It seems that you have died. Rest in blood, old boy.

Sigh, I haven’t been tuning in to Salad Fingers in ages now. I don’t even remember the site anymore.

Nadya and Jasmine, anticipate tomorrow, because I come bearing handmade gifts. I MADE GIFTS! Hahahaha.

I got your card Christine! I do hope to have lots of great sex with prince charming like a gazillion years later. But I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it wouldn’t be gazillion years later, and I would have lots of babies too. I hope the same for you. You’ve made me grin so wide reading it that my dad thought it was a boy who had given me the card. Lol.

Jamesies sent me a mail and he’s made me smile, in ages. God, I love him. I gotta go and buy a card and lots of papers so I can write. Heheheheehehe.

I don’t know why, but this entry is so hehehehehehe.
No, no really I’m just so happy right now.

And I knitted 2 scarves in 1 day!


Actually I didn't want to make a new post because I wanted Johnny Depp's picture staying there for a long long time. I've been doing nothing the whole day except for visiting my own blog and stare at him. Sigh, Johnny Depp is divine.

I miss my Adam and James. I'm currently with 2 gorgeous men. Hehe. I haven't talked to them in ages and I miss them terribly. Adam is family, James is just my funky wizard who thinks I'm the marrying sort.


The classic picture of my darling Adam. Huzzah!

Who says penpals/online relationships can't last. We've been friends for 3 years now! Oh correction, we've been family for 3 years now. Love you Adam, though I don't think you'd ever see this since you hate reading blogs and such, and I've still got to bebo you! God, I wish you lived somewhere nearer, like Australia instead of Ireland.


And Jamesies! I love you to death, and yet, you've left me alone. Busy with your 'travels' eh? I know you'd kill me for posting your delicious picture up here. Apologies! You frog, where the fuck is the print you promised me?!

And to faye, whereever you are. I don't know why we don't talk anymore. Sigh. I hope you are doing well, whereever you are. I hope that snotty ex-bf of yours doesn't stare at you anymore.

And to everyone else, Merry Christmas, though I know it's a little early. Lol. I don't think I'd update till then. Bye!




I think I'm in love.
sigh.
I love you mr depp.
*touches screen*


I'm outdated with all this teenage stuff. The malay slang talk and shiz like that, I don't get any of it. And internet abbreviations such as PWNED, like what? Okay I shamefully admit that I have no idea what PWNED is. Am I even spelling it correctly? Haha, I'm getting too old for this. I'm way traditional, and I like the spell things oldstyle. It's called the oldspeak. (Like Winston in 1984, I'm like him. Haha!) I don't get you kids' newspeak. Like SECKZ or something like that. I like bollocks better. No, no, you're right, I'm like an old grandma probably whining about stuff. Sigh. I am really getting old.

17 is old. Sigh. Too old for M-18 stuff. Sigh.

Actually, I am a very optimistic person. (I've been wanting to say that for ages now, and nope, unrelated to the shit I type above.) I am very very optimistic, everyone knows that. I have a big fat flabby arm to reassure everyone, 'Everything is going to be alright.' Ah no, pessimism doesn't even come to my mind at all. A perfect example of my optimistic nature was when I decided to sit down and watch a quiet Korean movie titled, 'Sad movie.' Literally sad, yes. I was so optimistic watching it, hoping it would be some kind of a parody. And then Jung Woo Sung died. I was still optimistic, hoping he faked his death to suprise the lady from behind and finally propose to her. But NO, the credits appeared and funny music came on, and my hopes and dreams were crushed. It was devastating. NOOO, Jung Woo Sung dead? NOOO. It was not possible. Sigh, so much for my optimism. There goes my dream guy, dead, in a horribly sad movie.

Now who said I was ever a pessimist? NEVER!

PS. I realised my post titles sound very fitting for any book. Future writers, I give you the right to steal any of my titles. I especially like 'pwned and optimism'. kthx.


Finally! Finally! The sun is out! Despair is over! All hail sunlight!

I discovered a leak in my room last night while the rain was still pouring and the wind was blowing mercilessly outside. Well, it wasn't really a leak, it was leaks. The entire wall beside my bed was leaking (and somehow, it was leaking when it seems impossible to leak), as a result, my blankets, pillows and my dear cow was drenched. The curtain was wet too. Sigh, I slept anyway, and was disgusted by the dampness. So in the morning I checked again and to my dismay, found water bubbles. Water trapped beneath a thin layer or paint. MY BLOODY LOVELY BLUE PAINT. I think I saw some mould. (cue for EW.) My wall is entirely depressing. I poked it with my fingers and created a hole in one of the huge bubbles and now everytime I press it, water will splurt out. The whole wall! The whole wall! Disgusting little meanies.

I don't enjoy you, rain.

My mother isn't working today. Damn, there goes my plans. I will hunt tommorow, so you still have a chance. (Pfft, like anyone would.) So today's itinerary:

Sulk.
Sulk.
Sulk.
Grow fat. (because I can't resist chicken right in front of me.)
Maybe paint.
Maybe work on rafba.livejournal.com
Sulk again.

Haha, the other day my sister and I were talking about curfews and we realised we DON'T have curfews because we're grounded for life, anyway. Now who says teenhood is great. I have to wait till I get married to enjoy life.


Having set up a crafting blog means that this post has no right to be here. No one reads that blog yet, anyway, not till I have some reasonable stuff up(like whining about how long I take to knit a scarf or how some shell beads keep dropping off.) I am going to 'bead hunt' tommorow, despite the expected heavy rains. I feel rather bored and my bead collection is boring me. I've been making lots of stuff so far, but with the mermaidia greenish tones, I want some mixtures, I want something different, like metal clasps or something nice. So lovely people, I again, am inviting anyone at all to join me in my lovely quest for beads. Haha! How pathetic, it sounds like a plea! I'm sick of going to places alone, so, let me burst my pride for a while. Text me yeah, before 10 tommorow.

And I expect, I would hunt alone, again. Oh my, what a loner.

Pretty please!

Or should I do some painting tommorow? No, no, I shall not. The rainy season seems like a distasteful period to paint something bright and cheery. Speaking of which, why doesn't my watercolours maestro let us paint something really dark and depressing? I bet I could get really high marks for that.

Damn it, mum is shouting again. I fear one of this days someone will die of suicide.


So what exactly happened?

Oh yeah, on Saturday at Jusco(I happen to like departmental stores very much) there was this cashier who looked pretty much like Johnny Depp! Oh my! He looked stunning. And he folded my clothes nicely and put it inside the bag. I stared at him for the first few minutes trying to figure out why he looked so familiar. ACK! He looks like Johnny Depp. Like Depp in Nick Of Time, like that! That hair, the jaw, the nose (OMG THE NOSE!) I need to stop this really, or I will get hysterical. Haha, I took the receipt and memorised his name. OMG.

OMG.OMG.OMG.
OMG.

(Pauses for a while and giggle wildly and squeal and stare at Depp desktop.)

OH MY GOD! Haha, I want to go back and stare at the guy again. So luckily I took as much clothes as possible so we stood there for a longg time while I just stared at him. LOL. Plus, this security officer came by and told him he forgot to take out some security tag thing. Oh man, what a dream. Lovely lovely, I must go back.

I must go back and marry him, I must!

HAHAHAHAAAA.

Okay now what. After the painful parting, we got back to our room. (Fantastic Equatorial, and we're some kind of regulars so we got free fruit.) Yadayadayada, I bought this HUGE bag, which is like as tall as me. Anyway, while sleeping, I heard on and off noises in the night, and dad told us the next day that someone was playing with the switches at 12.30 am and 1.30 am. He thought it was us and he yelled, but then he realised no one was awake. Freaky stuff. No wonder they gave us free fruits, I think we're supposed to give an offering or something. My mother said my sister cried a bit and told her to hug her tightly. Scary sensor thing, kids, I meant.

But dim sum buffet was great. Will try kampachi next time we go there.

Oh yeah, I lost my bracelet. I feel so distressed. Sigh. I'm so bored right now. I want to do something, like fun.


Alright I came back.

AND I LOST MY FUCKING BRACELET.

SHIT.


Hello delightful children!

I don't think I should apologise for not updating. (Forgive me for being an insensitive bastard.) My brain isn't in good shape and my fingers have gone all wonky(with incredible holes on them.) And for godsake my life isn't worth mentioning about, and I haven't got any clue on what to blog about.

So blast off now, because I will again, drone on and on about my dimwitted life.

Dear delightful children. My usage of internet (and this loving laptop of mine) has gone down in the past few days because I have finally decided to get my life started. Started as in, knitting, beading, jewellery making, diy-ing, crafting, and such, for my interest lies there. (I love war movies and body building, but I still stick to the girly stuff!) I tried taking pictures of them so I could post them on craftster or something for opinions(on pricing) but the photos didn't turn out so well. Ah well, another time perhaps, maybe during the DAY with great lighting, because the flash and dodgy camera didn't do the jewellery justice at all.

My dad has gone throwing his money away again, and my family is in dire need of some moolah(and he acts like he doesn't know anything about it. Mum pays his car money and does the bills while Dad buys a new room for my sister and probably some handphone gadgets. Haha, sorry dad.) It's pathetic that I have to go write down about my financial crisis here, but yeah, that's just how the household is. I meanwhile, have the hospital bill(dengue, my friend) hovering over my head and the hospital called me once asking when will I pay them, and my school fees just waiting right there. I feel really sorry that my family can't afford a lot of stuff right now (and yet, we buy large quantities of food. sigh) and I can't afford anything, and now I've gone beyond my spending limit. I fucking suck that I can't do anything about it. I can't work because my mum doesn't allow it. So here I am, embarking on other ways to earn money.

Like an online shop, for example.

As I said to my sister before, I feel like a Min-Hyorin(Goong stuff, not like you know anything about it.) Trying to live luxurious lifestyles but really really in debt here and there. Once again, I try to blame it on myself for being such a jinx to the family.

But we've got to stand up right, fight the stuffs being thrown as us, and find new ways to upgrade? Oh fuck, I fucking suck for even writing about this. But it feels good to let this load off my chest (so no one would ask me out for expensive dinners and such! HAHA. But I will gladly spend a few cents for a mouldy muffin at starbucks for Xtine cause I have to teach her how to bind off!)

Now that dear aunt agony is over, I must inform you that I obtained an A-ish grade for my speech (She said A-ish, so I don't know what it really means.), failed Electronics(SIGH.), had a feast in PizzaHut with the class, and I AM GOING OFF FOR A TWO DAY TRIP TO MELAKA TOMMOROW. STFU, I told you I can't afford to fly elsewhere. Fuck you. I know thou art laughing right now. So fuck you, I hate you.

I don't even know why I feel so worked up when people laugh at me when I'm ONLY going to malaysia. You know what, I haven't been anyway further than Thailand or Indoneia okay, because I fucking suck, and my poor parents have 4 kids and we can't afford to go further, so shut the fuck up alright. Now the truth is out, so fuck off. I'm so sick of pretending to be financially okay.

GRAH.

Bye, I'll be back on Sunday night.


Sometimes faith disintegrates; sometimes, it is harder to believe. And life, does not even exist, you start believing and conjuring up theories on how we are creating and imagining everything around you. Maybe you do not exist. Maybe everything and every single moment is just a dream- a plot. The dreadful nightmare that goes on for ages, until you die; and then awaken from the horrific slumber to find yourself in a dark room, with impenetrable walls. It is not a dream anymore; now it is real. You have awaken, you have awaken. This is reality, this is life. This is death, this is the awakening.


Okay so, I confessed to mother that my headaches and migraines are becoming more and more unbearable. It's more than a headache, aye. I feel like falling down and blacking out at any moment, but that's not it that bothers me. Well, I get this feeling that I'm not alive. I told my mother that and she was bewildered. She doesn't believe in such things and told me to read a prayer. So I explained further- I feel as though I am not alive, I'm not here, I don't exist. It feels so strange. This happens during class and in the train and sometimes when I am walking and in the night especially. It's like, fucking superman on drugs. I become so confused and my head is throbing and everything is literally spinning. I don't get what is happening around me, I cannot see properly- it's like the world on the verge of collapsing on me. It's terrible. And it has been happening to me more often lately.

I also told her that when I wake up sometimes, I get this 'short amnesia', like my brain is totally blank and I don't know where I am, or my name, or that boy at school I like so much. I would have to sit down and think for long time until everything get back to me and I start remembering again. Nothing is more scary than not remembering your own name.

Upon hearing that, she told me to consult a doctor. I think the losing memory part scared her. Indeed, this memory thing is bugging me much. I can't tell what is a dream and what is not. Everything is such a blur shadowy thing to me right now. I think I am truly dying. Mentally dying.

Oh my god.

My eyes are becoming darker and darker. I'm not a light sleeper, but a heavy one. I get dreams about random things that tires the shit out of me. I wake up in the morning feeling as though I've come back from a long distance run or something. Sometimes it gets so scary (the dreams, I mean) that my heart starts beating like crazy. It's getting really tiring. I haven't had a dream-less sleep in ages and right now, it seems impossible to sleep dreamlessly.

I think I need a doctor. I need to know what is happening to me. Perhaps it's anxiety or something, maybe some shit, I wouldn't know.

But what if the doctor thinks I'm crazy?

I think I'm insane. Well, I must be.


IDEAS was about business plan and it was awesome. I'm being a little too 'far-sighted', I guess I was sounding all crap talking about targeting the world and setting up a factory in China.

So what do you do when you have 3 hours free and everyone you know is either having class or is dashing off to a bookstore for some magazines? Go watch Flags Of Our Fathers. I wasn't entirely depressing as I hoped it would be, and yes, I went alone. All fucking alone. It was good- gory, but good. It went on till about 1 and I decided to skip thermo and eng maths tutorial. Whoah, I ate the huge tub of popcorn and I was feeling nauseous throughout the day. The taste is still lingering in my throat now. ACK. I was really nauseous walking around PS and into Times ( I literally danced in Times because I was feeling so liv tyler-ish and happy-ish and free and the music was good.) I was on the verge of collapsing. It felt so weird. I was trying to stand and all that, and walk till I was about to cry because I couldn't take it.

Blah!

I simply cannot resist a good deal. I bought yarn, again. Now I have a stash of delicious yarn in my sacred box. This Italian yarn used to cost 19.90, now they're selling it for 3 bucks. I bought so much yarn today, and some more felt, because I'm addicted to sewing cute purses which I will post pictures of when I sew buttons on them, and a plier.

Okay okay, I found out something today and it was absolutely disheartening. I saw it coming, but wasn't mentally prepared. There is two options- one, crumble and accept it and die, or two, crumble and weep and die.

Hah.

Jasmine told me something once- there are 2 things you can do with jealousy. One, is that you grumble and whine and all that, or two, make full use of this chance to become better. See, I'm trying to be so perky right now that I am ready to loseweight and all that shit. As I told my xtine, I will try to be more HUMAN.

Seriously, being a personality-less shit isn't a bundle of joy. It fucking sucks.

And I swear I won't spend anymore money till next month (which is like january.) I'm so fucking broke. I don't even have a single cent to my name.


I have a lot of holes in my fingers because I have been sewing non-stop. And also, I have been slogging for few hours trying to finish the IDEAS poster and found out afterwards that it isn't due tommorow.

Meh.

Please, try to understand. I'm at my all time low. I hate myself, and nothing will make me better. You don't understand. You won't. I feel like shit and I don't want to eat. I don't have money, I won't entertain calls, I'm only watching survivor and sewing, because that's the only thing that makes me feel a bit better. I want space, or something like that. I just want you to let me be sad, don't force me to eat anymore, let me be quiet for a while.

Bye.


Ladies (and perhaps any gentleman reading this,) I made this last night, amidst the angstyness.



More pictures and details at rafba.blogspot.com

Felted wool, all handstitched. SAY YOU LOVE IT.


FUCK EVERYONE.

I'm going to stay in isolation and starve, sleep, knit, and sew. I don't want to see anyone right now. See you in death.


Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you? It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it. So tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my head's spinning

-

So it is, another uneventful day. I find malay speaking guys with dyed hair and really loud attention-seeking voices, utterly terrifying. I deserved to fail my engineering math, and a retest. But a room full of loud malay mats, then no. No, please, I don't deserve that. You think you're so funny poking fun at the lecturers and talking rather loudly. That heavy malay accent doesn't make you cool. I don't know what the fuck is the problem with guys like you anyway.

I have a malay accent, and I do not like it at all. I prefer accentless. It's irony perhaps, I speak english most of the time but I still have a malay accent even when my malay is a disaster. At least english speaking indians don't sound indian, and the english speaking chinese don't sound chinese either, but oh my god, most malay sound malay.

It's not that I hate my skin colour and my mother tongue, it's just, I want to be accent free!

Bleh.


I do not believe in besties. What in the world is 'bestie' anyway? It's a wonder how people come out with new words. Can't you just use 'bestfriend'? Isn't it more sincere, more charming, more real?

I think I am incapable of being human. I had coffee with Xtine during my 5 hours break yesterday and realised how dead I am. I mean, I don't talk, I say 'anything', I just don't know how to talk anymore. I have been so cooped up alone that I have to put in a lot of effort to talk to someone, like a real person. Don't I suck Xtine? I think I have very much changed since secondary school. I don't get to meet with my secondary school friends because they are always too busy, and now even if I see them, there is a tinge of awkwardness to it. I don't know, it's just weird I guess. When I am with company, I feel much less human. It's like a rock or something that is lodged inside my throat and it's hard to get it out.

Oh why oh why.

Okay, I'll stop whining. I don't know why people associate comtemplating with whining or bitching. It's just thoughts, only fucking thoughts.

Who are you to assume when you don't know the situation.


My mother thinks I have a boyfriend, when I don't. She doesn't believe me anyway when I tell her NO. She thinks I'm so freaking attractive and is probably making out with someone pretty much everyday right now.

NO. NO MUM. I am so ugly, no one would even look twice at me.

Please, please believe that.


My blog is ass. I have been behaving like a prick.

And for that, I offer my deepest apologies. You don't know how sorry I feel.

Today was ALMOST PURRRRRFECTO. Suddenly it seems convincing that Monday blues don't exist, and I am living like a true Cancerian, Monday is MY day. Indeed.

Thank you my lord, you are ever so kind. Thank you, thank you.

Oh my god, yes.

I don't care what happens next. Tommorow is better than today. But today was stunning. It was brilliant. It was spectacular. If tommorow could be any more spectacular-er I would probably die of happiness.



OC beckons to me. My brain is in it's little sweety peach honey pie yum yum I love you boy- mode that it is impossible to do OC right now. My plan is to wake up at 4 and finish everything before 7am. Wish me luck. I'm awesome at last minute things.


No one cares what you had for lunch.

I've set up a craft/knitting/blah blah blog. rafba.blogspot.com No one understands how it is to be addicted to yarn anyway, so why not a seperate blog altogether? I'm awesome really.

(The word 'KNEAT' courtesy of Xtine. PS, Don't mind me stealing that word from you for a bit xtine. and yes, I stole Rafba too. =[ )

I want to know all about V8 engines. Because I suck and I don't know anything mechanical. Stfu, I don't know why I'm in dme anyway.


I woke up from a bad dream and went out for a run straightafter. I think it was the most hurtful and horrible dream I have ever had.

Noooooooo.

Thinking about it makes me want to weep.


I think I'm addicted to yarn.
I'm more addicted to yarn than knitting.
Oh my god, I love yarn.
Very Much.

So I went on a yarn spree. I spent 54 dollars in spotlight, got back to school for my watercolours class with a huge huge plastic bag. I wish they would give paperbags instead because I was kind of embarassed buying so much yarn, and the bag was transparent.

Yeap.


The view from up here is spectacular.

Wait till I take everything out.


Vera Flurry costs about 99cents a ball. I bought 8, I think I was going crazy over them. Well I tried knitiing them just now, and it was tough. But really fun!
Panda Magnum 5ply. 100% arcrylic, costs 5.99 a ball. 4 balls to knit a sweater. Arcrylic is rather cheap but not that fun to work with.
Patons Caressa, 5.99. 45%wool, 45%arcrylic, and 10% something I can't remember. I want to make a shawl with this one. It's rather expensive for a ball, but hey, if you can make pretty things, then why not?
I also bought a 20mm bamboo knitting needle for 4.99 dollars, and a cable 5mm knitting needle for the same price.


This is rad.

Yummy.

So that's it, my 54 dollars spent on good things.

I am so fucking happy right now. I think I should set up a knitting blog.