I was talking to xtine on msn and got so excited about knitting.
I realised that I've been abandoning my scarf and it's probably dusty now. So I got it, started working on it, and thought how cool it would be if I filmed myself. Haha, I literally bit my cellphone and recorded myself! upside down! LOL.

It's so boring, but haha, it's great. I reckon I'm quite a slow knitter. And this is so pixelated and slowww.





Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Little Britain is the shit. Too bad arts central isn't playing it anymore. I want to buy season 1 soon.

I have a sudden desire to go out wearing a pink wig and horrible makeup and fishnet stockings.

As much as I love school, I hate it too, sometimes. Life without handsome guy is dreadful, but sometimes handsome guy gets on my nerves. I'd like to think myself lowly and smile at every chance. But what would that imply?
Err.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

The thought of it kills me. I mean err, handsome guy.

Again, sometimes I choose not to blame myself so I'm going to be oblivious to my sillyness for the time being.

Fuck you, man.

Ignorance annoys me. But sometimes I can't help but adore people who live in ignorance. Sometimes the key to living freely is just 'not to know'. If you have no idea eating disorders/depression/self-harm/etc etc exist or have to intention of understanding what it is like, kudos to you. You at least can live without things at the back of your head weighing you down. Forget about dying, it's not even in your mind. Really, sometimes I wish I was like that. Ignorance is bliss.

This is not pessimism. This is just me not being ignorant. Ignorance is stupid. I would rather live with guilt knowing someone else who is more unfortunate than you, than just be ignorant, like the world revolves around you.

I need to stop doing this second person narrative in my entries.
'You!'
'you,'
'YOU.'

Yes, you. I'm sorry if you ever feel so offended. I wasn't really referring to you anyway. Forgive my accusing tone.

Yes, I know. This entry is jumbled up.


What the hell happened to me?

I'm bored. Life is so boring right now that I can't get shit out of my head. I want to run away and fucking do things I would never do. I want to become someone else.

I hate being RAFHANA (Xtine, you have inspired me to blog about this, I hope you forgive me. I'm a copycat, but coincidentally it has been running wildly in my head for the past weeks, and realised I have not mentioned it. i think.) Rafhana is so boring. Rafhana doesn't have a bestfriend. Rafhana isn't rich enough to do anything exciting. Rafhana is a pushover, rafhana is unpopular, rafhana is always afraid, rafhana SUCKS.

I want to change my name to Aisling. If not, at least my child will have that name.
I'm going to have 7 kids. 4 boys and 3 girls. Liam, Cormack, -haven't decided-, -haven't decided-, Brena, Aisling(if my name isn't Aisling by then, and I think so too because my parents would disown me if my name was Aisling. Haha.), Megara.
And then they are going to call me Oma or however the korean word for 'mom' is spelt in romanised version, and call their father Alda. I want a whole rounded family, Irish names, Welsh, Greek and Elvish. Alda is father is elvish. Now I think I'm spouting nonsense, so I shall stop here.

I want to do something extraordinary. I want to complete my 'to-do list before I turn twenty'. I want to have friends, I want to be able to say HI to everyone I see because I KNOW them. I want a bestfriend. The last time I had a BESTFRIEND and the ONLY bestfriend was when I was 8 and she was the awesomest friend ever but she changed school and I don't know her whereabouts since. I WANT TO KILL BOREDOM AND DESPAIR. Do you know how fucking tired it is to HATE yourself your whole bloody life?

I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired.

I want to be able to agree with XTINE that I don't look so ugly afterall. I want to be able to agree with anyone who says I'm smart/an asshole/whatever. Modesty and humility is good, but too much will kill you, like how it has killed me.

I hate being cooped up at home because no one will go out with me.
BLAH! 2 weeks to my 3 week holiday and I want to go somewhere.






*sulks*


ACHTUNG!
As of tonight, this blog has hit 1000 views.
Extraordinaire!

Well does it help to know that I visit my blog at least twice a day? YEAP.
A fucking big time loser.

But still.

A THOUSAND!


Hello, hello. It seems a little weird for miss raf to stop blogging for a while, considering, she blogs sometimes up to 3-4 times a day, sometimes. I'm back at it due to humble requests.

Now why did I stop?

Ahem, I'm trying so hard to keep and upbeat tone, not a monotonous one. I'm so tired already.

Because things aren't going too well here. To blog is to reveal my vulnerable side, and no one will have the chance to see that. I tend to type fucking shit about how things are, and unconsiously sending awful vibes. I am brutally alone. I cry alone, I ache alone, I feel alone- that is all I can tell you. I put up some happy fucked up face, and I think the horrible clown make up is starting to wear out. I find it harder to control my face and expression these days. I would be caught staring into space, knocking over things, probably tearing in the train. Shit like that.

Fucking shit like that.

I've been worse off than this. Just some time. More time to dechiper all this. Accept my ill fate. Accept it, or die denying and trying to make it work.

It is so dark here. The ringing silence. The bed, the monotonous walls, the scattered bits of paper on the floor.

I find myself spending most of my time lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. doing nothing, thinking, thinking, contemplating. The idea of drawing seems revolting. I suddenly feel like giving up on doing art altogether. What is the point, when all I come up with is just shit? It takes me ages to even finish a potrait, my shading sucks, and forget about painting-I SUCK at it. Writing suddenly seems stressful because I cannot come up with anything good. Just bad bad horrendous writing.

I am useless.

I accept the fact wholeheartedly.

I'm not even good at crying.

I'm even taking 5 minutes to come up with a new sentence in this post. I'm just...speechless, commentless, hopeless. My head is on the bed, ears pressed on the notebook speaker thinking of nothing. Looking at someone's display picture and nickname, afraid to start a conversation. He would never dream of talking to me. I'm just some stupid traditional girl.

That aside, IDEAS and OC piling up and I haven't conjured the energy to do it. It's like doing everything(the whole project, esp OC) all fucking alone.

Why do I always have to be proficient in english? And a perfectionist when it comes to projects? the so-called 'smart one' when in actual fact, morbidly stupid.

OBESE! OBESE!
My mind is everywhere right now. Food tastes like shit. I hate food. Many other people in poor countries need food more than I do. I don't need food.

BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Updatedkthxbye.


I don't blame anyone. I blame myself.


I don't know why I blog anymore. These days I haven't had the mood to type everything out.

I don't even know why I'm confessing, about my life, my feelings.

Best if no one knew anything.
It would be better for everyone.

That doesn't mean I won't come back. I'll write again when I need to.


FUCK.

I'm so sorry. I swear I'm not action. I'm just so shy and awkward.


My mood and self-esteem is like a rubber band. It's so flexible, unpredictable, it hurts when it 'flies at you'. I'm sorry I can't express it properly, considering it's night and I just got home from school and I didn't sleep much last night, so I'm really sleepy right now.

Funny how I feel happy, and feel incredibly depressed in a matter of seconds. I hate being alone. It gives you so much time to think about yourself.

Still, I did beam today. I love Mondays. They're 'recovery' days. Firstly, I get to see my amazing 2 friends *coughs* and loads of other reasons that isn't neccessary for you to know. *smiles to self*

Also, today I drank only a cup of mango juice. OMG, think of the horrible calories. But hey, that was the only thing I consumed today. I didn't eat anything at all! Not even a single biscuit, only that cup of mango juice. REJOICE!
I'm back to where I was again. Woohoo.

Not on purpose. I didn't feel like eating anyway, though I was CLOSE to, cause someone persuaded me and I sort of..

melted.

Hah. Tommorow is another day to conquer.

I want a girly friend to sit on my bed and paint each other's nails and play with our hair and talk about boys all night. It seems stupid, but I'm fond of shallowness.
XD



Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

HAHAHAHAHA! SHIT, THIS IS SO FUNNY.
Cellphone are good VIBRATORS!


Okay, so I haven't really sat down for 2 hours straight being online. Guess what, I don't care about it too much. I've been shitty, I ate proper meals and you don't know how I despise myself for that. Apple diet, tommorow. Willpower, strength, vision.

Focus, Ana, focus!

Let's put that aside and talk about the brighter things in life. Ah yes, my sister bought Goong, or namely Princess Hours. I never thought I'd like it, but guess what? I've been cooped up in my room watching it! YAY go me. It made me happier, I forget about the shit around. If my parents yelled at me, I'd be fine watching it.

But now I guess Monday is coming, shit is starting again. I fucking hate my parents and no, I won't fucking take that back. You don't know how obnoxious and rude they are, that it's impossible to not hate them. I don't know, I despise them for being some kind of a hypocrite. Hey look guys, totally perfect family, 4 girls, young parents, a reasonably large house, a car, a maid... blah blah blah, all the girls cover their heads and stuff, they attend this, that... BLAH. My parents strive to be oh so holy saints with halo and feathers and stuff when the state of this house is like shit. I saved my sister from my mum so that her down-there won't get burned when she was a kid, I defensively objected to my mum's cruel suggestion that my sister should eat shit for getting band 2 in her subjects, okay fuckkk I hate it. I hate defending people and my opinions. They are so fucking narrowminded, if you made a suggestion, they would blow you up. Like, BOOM. Oh yeah, like it's a big deal. Why the fuck do I get most of the blame. Hell yeah like their sarcastic remarks never affected my life. Okay fine, I'm lazy, and I can't stand being pushed around like a fucking cow with no brain that is why I've started to retaliate. I'm so sick of them not caring or giving a shit. It's always give, give, give. FUCK. I hate it. I hate this fucking mask they make me wear, I hate the values they fucking taught me, I hate living up to expectations. Yes mum and dad, I live for you. I don't do what I love because I know you hate it. I'm doing subjects that I hate because you want me to be sucessful. I was in Cedar because you wanted to. Well you see, your charm didn't work when I failed to get good results for Os isn't it? Must've put great shame to your name.

GRAHHHHHH. I must not live in the past. I must not. But I can't help it.

I fucking hate it when you throw things on the floor and expect us to pick it up. I hate being your fucking trash. You don't remember anything, but I do.
I remember every single fucking slap, kick, bruise.
And I can't fucking move on.
I can't.

I said I'll never love you like other people love their parents. I will never give you a genuine hug.

Everytime they come near me or mum come close to hugging me, I try to avoid it. Tears start welling up and I feel like shit. Everything sinks inside of me and I desperately want to die. It has always been like that.

I hate myself because I know you do too.

Now I don't know anymore. I just want to fucking scream. I wish you understood me better. I wish you could open up. I wish I could've told you how afraid I am of you.

BLAH.

Stop. I need to stop. It's just the way life is, and I just have to deal with it. Deal and live with it till I get a career and move out.

I don't know why, but I feel shit whenever I get out of the house. I hate being ugly.
God, I'm so ugly, people must hate me for that.


Someone give me a paperbag. It was a lot easier back then. I wish I never changed.


When the shit crashes in, I forget everything. For example, since last night's entry I mentioned that I haven't eaten since breakfast. Well you know what, I completely forgot about eating, or made myself forget, despite the angry growls of my stomach and the feeling of warm acid pressing along my stomach walls. I haven't eaten since yesterday's breakfast to till today 6pm. At 5pm I realised it has been more than 24 hours since I ate anything, and rejoiced at the thought of it. Willpower! It wasn't on purpose. I was too occupied, too sad, too despondent. Ah well, I've put a stop to it. I won't go on for another 24 hours because I won't let my metabolism fuck up, again. I drank peach tea, ate an apple and popped some skittles into my mouth. I know it's not enough, because I can't see my blood vessels and I still feel cold. I'm really sleepy and tired right now, and my hands are cold. Not my fault for the hunger strike. I didn't have anyone to go to lunch with, today. Hah.

Funny I should type it here.

I feel so retarded and sick to the bones(FAT, rather.) I feel hopelessly sad. My heart is crumbling, my thoughts scattered. I'm so worried about my studies. I'm so worried and terrified of failing.

Thermofluids test today was okay. Thank you, Jasmine for the thoughtful advice. Really saved my ass, I think. From now till I get my paper back, I shall dread about Mechanics. It's been bugging me. And Electronics, Engineering maths, and OC presentation. I don't even know a shit about Electronics, and never got anything right in maths since secondary school when I took Amaths. Ahhh.

Oh by the way, I'm pleased with my Electronics lab test results. When the tutor called my name, I went, 'Oh no! He's not going to scream out my marks cause I did badly.' But he went, 'Rafhana! 80!' YAY. A burst of happiness, finally. I could've gotten more, if I wasn't so careless. I have my class rep and some classmates to thank. I wouldn't have known what to do if I wasn't thick skinned enough to bug them with questions.

My GEMS class today was depressing. These few days have been terrible. I'm undergoing retardation; I forget this, forget that, my painting looks like shit, and everything I do seems like shit to me. It's not good enough. I'm not good enough. After this I'm going to tear my finished painting and do another one from scratch. It's hideous.

I so badly want a break from life. I want to lay in my deep slumber, and wake up thin, clever, beautiful. I wish God would grant me that. One night I sleep as Raf, and wake up as a vision.

See, I'm probably typing rubbish now. I don't understand myself. I'm just so SAD, and that is it. I'm just so awfully and terribly sad. I don't even know how to fix this.

I think I should go and study, now.

Please tag my board and send me condolences on my pathetic dimwitted life. And send me roses too. I'm momentarily dead. R.I.P RAFHANA.

EDIT: mum is buying macdonalds. NOOOOOO.
that's like, 300++ calories into my daily intake.
I ate an apple, 200 calories, skittles don't know how much, and tea.
I estimate about 500 calories already.
Plus that horrible burger it's going to be 800 or more.
I'm so going to get fatter.
=[
i won't eat it. I will secretly donate to someone who needs it more than I do.


Oh my oh my what am i doing here? oh yes, i thought i should let off some steam before i continue onmy thermo. i'm going to type really fast, so spelling mistakes would be common.

i crack under pressure. my hair is insane, i'm tired and sleepy and really panicking. i don't know how it suddenly came to this. i was never like this, every test is just another tutorial for me, and i took it easy and did ok. i guess today showed how much i'm lagging behind. it's no good. i'm dying. times like this i would've popped some pills and get knocked out. no pills, they're gone and i'm sick of them. i did my watercolour gems and it looks like shit, and I look like shit, i want to rip it apart and sleep in the heap of paper. when i opened my thermo notes it seemed so foreign to me, suddenly, i don't even know what density is equals to. i suddenly realised the pipe shit thing is in topic 1, and hell, it isn't too good for me. i'm such a mess at this moment my mind is aywire, nothing can get into my head, and i cant remember anything.

it also doesn;t help that today was incredibly shitty and i havent ate anything since breakfast. i wish i could kick my ass for today. i don't know, i don't know. i think i'm crazy.

i still have a shitting electronics presentation to do and i don't even now a single thing about electronics besides binary numbers.

oh my god, oh my god. when is semestral exams... i think not so far, and class tests and lab tests, and ahhhhhhh.

NOOOOOO.

noooo. i can't take it, i can't take it. i hate being lazy. i want to study everyday from now on.

i don't want to screw up my life.


That's it, the mechanics test sucked, and I flung it. I only finished ONE pathetic bloody question, and I don't even know if it's right or not. I thought I finally got it, but nooo, mind block. ARGH it's so stupid. Blahblahblah. 35% GONE. Poof! Just like that. I'm throwing my life away.

It means I have to slog and get that 65 remaining marks. Oh my god, that isn't even an A! Bloody shit. No I don't want to fail because it would mean I would have to give up my business and I don't want to because I'm hopelessly in love with it. Oh my god, NOOOOOO. Dontwantfaildontwantfaildontwantfail.

I'm not even the BIG fish in the small pond. If I can't even go through poly, I'm such a disgrace. I've evolved to be shit.

I don't want to be shit.

Okay after I hit this 'publish post' button I'm going to blackboard, do my gems, and then do electronics, then study for thermo. THERMO! I must not screw my life.

GRAHHHHH0971%&bsj$!!


Mechanics test = panic.

AHHHH.

Dontwantfaildontwantfaildontwantfail.


I suddenly realised that guys with not so perfect teeth are rather attractive. Well you know, a contrast to my straight HORSE-LIKE set of teeth. I'm always complaining that I need braces when the dentist says I don't. I find my teeth rather bucky and hermione-ish.

Today was absolutely disheartening. One, nothing nice happened, I got the little-lest glimpse of my oh so handsome guy, and had tutorials. (anyone who reads this blog knows how I despise having tutorials because I'd end up sitting there like a fucktard who can't connect to anyone. ) I'm so fucking screwed. Oh god oh god oh god, pretty please let something good happen next semester!

Autocad test was utter rubbish. I took so long to figure out how to do question 2 and the idea of drawing a small circle within a larger circle completely drifted off my mind. I was more interested in the prospects of failing this module, and how terrible it would be to tolerate another semester stuck in the lab for 4 hours straight(without a glimpse of my handsome guy.) And yes, don't let me continue elaborating on my handsome guy, because it is so sacred to me. Every single bit of crappy memory is most precious to me and best for me to savour, for myself. Muahaha, now I'm guessing you're starting to dribble, cause you're so bored of my melodious whining.
So the orthogonal projection was a screw up. I didn't even know what I was doing. So the last 5 minutes I went, 'fuck it' and stared at the screen. Oh god, let me pass. I'm starting to enjoy doing CAD.

So you know, I went home upturning rubbish bins and ripping people's clothes off and pushed old people aside, because my day felt like a total waste, and I wasted another day doing shitty stuff and being shit, and that day won't come back again, and who knows when I'm 70 I could've used that one day to buy some time. I realised the gorgeous guy I saw at fc3 was the one sitting beside me at the station. I didn't realise it was him until at Jurong when I stared at him. Ah wow, what a dream; he's hugh jackman and anuar zain combined. Absolutely delicious. And he sat beside me on the train! I was trying hard not to beam. I'm not crazy over him, I'm just happy, cause the other day I thought, wow, I'm never going to see that face again. As soon as he alighted, I saw a lot of funny people. One was signing to herself, another was blasting horrible metal into his ears(I don't know how they do that.) and so on and so forth.

Note: Handsome guy NOT equals to cuteguy at fc3. (OMG, I so don't possess a life.)

There's a rainbow after the rain; always remember that. However small it might be, appreciate it. Maybe things didn't work out, but that's okay; another time, perhaps.

Before I make a complete fool out of myself, in which I think I have done ages ago, I bid thee farewell.

(This entry would probably get a D for OC, because it has no driven purpose, choice of words was terrible, and conclusion is too abrupt. Has no meaning. Didn't thank the audience, or give a sign that this is ending. Before OC starts making me insane, I better close this bracket now.)


You were a mistake. You were a complete waste of time. I thought I've been successful in avoiding you, but you always come back. I hate you, you fucking user. I wish you had never appeared in my life. And I never thought I could hate you, but look what you've done. I despise you. If you died, it would not affect me at all.

Go die with your wounds, and your infatuated heart. I like standing there watching you destroy yourself.

I don't know, maybe I'm too forgiving. I've always waited for the day I could say 'no' to you. Hah, I'd love to see your face; so what are you going to do? Rape me? Kill me? Hate me? FYI, I don't mind you hating me at all. It's always been that way. This on and off friendship, the continuous power struggles, the fights. You were a broken person trying to fix someone else.

Let me tell you something- You have never been strong. You have never recovered. You are dead. You are so cold that it hurts for me to sit there and tolerate your fucking abuses. You are so fucking cold. I don't think you will ever change. How many times have to told me you've changed, as if it's such a HOOHAA and the halo is hovering over your horns and the angels behind you playing trumpets? Yeah, if I remember, loads of times. And I can't believe I made myself believe you. Perhaps I pitied you and thought you deserved another chance. I thought I could make you better. I thought I could fix you.

Behind that black hardened face, you're just a small child in a dark room. So fragile. Oh how I wish I could break you. You built this wall of shit around you so you could live. So you could dominate and kill people and throw them around like shit. You don't want to be fixed. You don't even try. I wish you can never be fixed and die a cold lonely fucking wanker.

I want you out of my life. Don't come back to hurt me again. I've had enough from this bullshit 'friendship'. You have been an absolute waste of time. I can't stand seeing you all wussy and fucked up. You're so needy. You're full of lust and sex and cum. You're made up of cum, that's all. Inside there, you're empty and hollow.

Just know that you've haven't been successful in whatever you had hoped to acheive when you decided to befriend me. You liked broken girls. Everywhere there was someone broken, you wanted to scotchtape them together. You have that superhero syndrome, the superhero addiction. Well you know what? It didn't work. Everything you said to me was drilled into my head. 'An insignificant fuck' and blah blah, they've worked their way to kill me. Thank you, thank you. I sometimes wished I could die by the pain of it. But now I don't. I want to show you I can be so much better than you. I don't want to hold your hand. I don't want you.

I want you down there, crying like an insignificant fuck. You deserve it. You never did anything good.

No. I never liked you. If I compared the good and bad 'memories', the bad wins hands down. You lose. You're not my friend anymore. Never was, anyway.

I think I sorta liked you, that's all.

Fucking user.


Looking at pictures with ME in them grosses me out. It's like wow, I've grown so much. I have this picture of me just after I recovered from dengue, and I always stare at it. It's so different. You know how easy it is to have a fucking disease and a mental illness and just lose weight so easily? Recovery is important, everyone says that. But hell, look what it did to me. Now I'm this HUGE FAT MORON. I'm not happy. Recovery is supposed to make you feel better. I think I just 'changed the scenery, not the fucking situation' as Lisa Rowe says it. I think I might have switched to COE from mia. I hate using shortforms, but hey it's a public blog. I hate this, I hate this. I don't like the way it was, but it isn't any better now.

I want willpower. I want to start again.

=[


I had the pictures developed! Yay! My faces didn't turn out so well, and I looked really really really FAT! So here it goes!

WARNING: NOT DIAL UP FRIENDLY. LOADS OF PICTURES.
I DIDN'T WEAR MY SWIMMING CAP, SO ERR YEAH. DEAL.

So we came without Nadya. And we were bored. My camera was a source of entertainment.


Jasmine, cute cute pose.


Raf was just too cold to show her face. Brr, it was freezing!


Oh, so unwet.

So I think when Nadya arrived hours later(cause Nadya has the blur syndrome and she won't admit! =p Someone got lost ah!) , the water splashing began.






Shortly after that we got bored again and made stupid faces.








'Fountain fun'.






AHH!


Ohh me love underwater shots.


I WAS HOLDING FOR BREATH! GOSH I LOOK AWFUL! AND MY HAIR IS NOT CURLY!


Jacuzzi bubbles + Fat face= WRONG!
It would've been cool with someone else behind the bubbles.


We experimented different hairstyles and stupid poses.


I swear my eyes is screwing up. I was going to float away cause the bubbles were pushing me. I was holding on to dear life and forcing a scared smile. Haha.


Hahahahaha! SO CUTE!


Can't beat this one though. <3<3<3

So it was time to go home...

All we need to complete the day was a


GROUP PICTURE!

Nyahahaha. Me love love!

Apologies my friends for putting up your unwanted faces! LOL! =p


Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.
-Eckhart Tolle

That was the quote that caught my attention. Realise deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. You are not even certain that you would still be alive a minute after this. One minute gone, an hour, a day, and you look back regretting wasting that time and you're never going to get it back. Maybe you'd look back and ask yourself, 'What did I do with my life?' You could have acheived great things, been a great man or a woman, or maybe you have wasted it. Now that you're old, you cannot go back to relive it again. You live only once. The clock is ticking faster everyday, and everyday we are slowly dying. Age is catching up fast; the demands in everyday life taking a toll on ourselves.

1658hours, Friday, 10th of November 2006. It happens only once. Only ONCE. It would be 1659 in another minute, and 1658 would have ceased to exist. Gone. Poof. Imagine what you could have done in that minute. You probably could have kissed someone, dialled someone important, ate a cherry, anything, anything. But we take every second of our lives for granted. You could have taken that time being angry at someone, when you could've walked away from anger and not let it defeat you.

This quote also hit me that, you know, when things ever pass your way, such as opportunity, grab hold of it. Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. You can never be sure that there would be another time. Maybe that boy won't walk down that corridor again, or maybe that old man might not be alive tommorow, so do it. Grab that opportunity, and you can grow a tree out of it. We only live that hour/minute/second once, so don't waste it.

Which has led me to make my own to-do list. I've formulated some of it ages ago, so I'm just adding on.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I TURN 20:
1. Roll on my side down a grassy bank
2. Make a mud pie
3. Climb a tree (I've always wanted to climb a tree. =\ )
4. Cover my whole body with clay.
5. Love someone.
6. Lie on a huge rock and watch the clouds the whole day.
7. Open a shop. (HAHA!)
8. Make my own chocolate.
9. Eat Tiramisu.
10. Lie down on the grass with someone and gaze at stars.
11. Make a painting using my hands and feet
12. Eat a HUGE lollipop along Orchard Road or some busy street.
13. Have my face painted
14. Play with a friend in the sand
15. Buy a balloon for someone.
16. Make snow angels
17. Create a clay sculpture
18. Kiss someone in the rain.
19. Camp out in the garden
20. Cry on somebody's shoulder.
21. Bathe with someone(HAHA, my secret desire is out.)
22. Skinnydipping. LOL.
23. Have pancakes for dinner.
24. Have the best birthday ever.
25. Swim in a river
26. Ride a bike through a muddy puddle
27. Make and fly a kite (pathetic as it sounds, I've never flew a kite before.)
28. Plant a tree
29. Eat a worm.
30. Make a corset.
31. Go skiing
32. Look after someone's baby
33. Dance in the middle of a road
34. Make gingerbread man
35. Makeover my room
36. Have the bestest friends ever.
37. Bathe someone else in chocolate.

I'm sure there's more, but I can't rack anything out of my brain now. So yeah, 3 years to do all these things. Haha, you could even do them with me!


I attended this radio thingy dialouge session concerning Mainstream Media and New Media, who will win by the young? It was pretty interesting actually. I'm always too stupid to say anything so I just sat there and listened.

The term 'maturing society' caught my attention. Are we really 'maturing'? (Concerning new media.) Most of the blogs I read are about people's lives and what they ate or what they wore. Hey most of tHe time PeOplE Don'T EvEn kNoW HoW To tYpE PrOpErLy. Are we of better standards than the 'young' before us? Hey I bet most of us at this age don't even know how to iron our clothes, can't adapt to changes, or even sit still for a bit. Everyone goes partying like nobody's business, wasting their parents' money, practice casual sex and get AIDS and other STDs. Come on, man, we're supposed to be mature. We are supposedly 'leaders of tommorow'. But I see the state that most of us are in, that future would be gone. Even in school, you can't be responsible enough to be on time(I'm sometimes late, but NOT THAT late.), you can't be responsible enough to go groupwork or some shit like that, I can't see how it can be possible for you to lead. Oh yes, so you say, 'we're young, so enjoy life.' Hey, you ain't going to be that young forever, so grow up and start taking charge. Youngsters now only do know how to complain. I must agree, I do that quite a lot to, but hey just for today's sake, I'll be a hypocrite. Everything's not right, and blah blah blah. Okay good day hello, shit happens, so deal. I'm not even talking about the young here. I'm talking about the young as a whole. If we stay on like this, we'd end up destroying ourselves.

The nerds will save the world one day.

Well, what an abrupt conclusion, I don't even feel like ending it properly. Like anyone reads this anyway. As I'm reading this over, it doesn't make sense. To hell with it anyway.

My blog isn't about anything at all. It's just some random outbursts. I keep a blog because to me, writing is a neccessity. I don't write about politics eventhough I desire to, because I'm scared of getting sued or whatever. For now, home is the only place I talk about politics. Many people hate politics, but I find it interesting. Haha.


-deleted.

my eyes have gone all funny.


WOOHOO.

I declare this day eventful. Congratulations Ana, you have been great. Lol.
And to my 2 friends, ahaha I love you guys!

Pictures and recounts later. When I get the pictures developed I guess.


I'm sorry I can't be there for you if you can never be there for me. I don't enjoy the superhero syndrome. I want to be saved too. I'm guessing it's time for me to save myself. I shouldn't waste my time being there for someone who doesn't give a damn. It's such a waste of time, knowing they'd never be there when you need them the most.

Sometimes you give too much, until you can't give anymore. You become this empty husk, and you give up on your whole life.

I have always been utterly alone.

All fucking alone. Who are you to say you were always there?

Just thank god, these past weeks have been better for me. Thank god for the gyl I've made 2 new friends, and they have been amazing. Funny how you could suddenly open up to someone you barely know. It's just spectacular. I don't feel so alone now.

=]

Be glad I've mentioned you two!


My sister is 2 years younger than me, but she'd never grieved as much as I did when my grandfather and greatgrandfather died. I found it very strange. Didn't they treat us all the same? How could you not weep for such sorrow? How could you not shed some tears for the dying man on the bed?

I admit, even writing about it sucks. Especially about the death of my greatgrandfather. It was possibly the greatest loss I've ever lived through. I don't think I've written about him before. I think he only deserves to be mentioned after years of dissappearance.

Good god, if I start crying right now, I'm so sorry.

My greatgrandfather was the greatest figure in my life. I admired him and I loved him very much. Even if he lived miles away in Malacca, I still loved him; I loved him more than anyone related to me. It's weird I guess. He was more of a grandfather to me than my grandfather was, much more of a father to me than my father was. That time I believed no one ever loved me. Only he did. I loved him more than anything in the world, and I was his favourite greatgrandchild. I remembered he turned up in my grandmother's house in Woodlands without any announcement or whatsoever, and he brought me cherries. I loved his cherries. Well actually, I don't really fancy cherries, but I pretended to like them, and I licked them a lot because he brought them all the way here. I also remembered he took his bike to some shop in his kampong to buy us crackers. Oh wow, remembering things is tough. I don't recall too many things now. I remember his death more though.

When my mother told me that he had passed away, right after I got home for school, was the devastating news I've ever received. I've never told her I loved him that much. I didn't know why she bothered telling me. I suppose she always knew that he loved me a lot. I said to my mum in the most uncaring way, 'ok' and I went to my room.

I wept and wept and wept into the very pillow I'm holding right now. I don't think I've cried that much in my life. I was 8 years old I think, and I could still remember every detail. I skipped school the next day, and went to Malacca, to his kampong. I wore a yellow baju kurung and a yellow tudung. I stared into space and felt very weird inside. I couldn't cry because I didn't want anyone to see. I didn't want anyone to know how it was for me. So there I was, an 8 year old girl thinking I was the one who should've died. I never thought he could die. To my eyes, he was immortal. It was so sudden. I don't even know how he died, even now. He was immortal, he was immortal.

I saw his body and he was already dressed. I think I was stoning. I didn't like people staring at him. I followed them to the graveyard. While they were digging, I stood beside his casket, beside his unmoving body. They buried him, and I saw little girls screaming. One of them didn't even love him as much as I did. She cried because the other girl did. She barely knew him. I was older than any of them. And then as I saw the soil piling in, it dawned upon me, this is it, I'm never going to see that face again. I'll never get to talk to him again, I'll never see him on his bike again, he'll never buy me cherries again. I'll never love anyone again.

And I started crying.

It was horrible.

It was so horrible.

We marched back to the house, and I felt so empty inside. They cooked curry. They had a feast.
I hated them.
I hate them still.
I hate them for not grieving. Screw their smiley faces. I hated them. I despised them for laughing so loudly as if nothing ever happened. I hated the women for taking off their tudungs and laughing at horrible jokes. I hated the food, I hated the ambience.
I was staring again. He was gone, forever.

Still weeks passed, I stared into the atmosphere as though he was there. I wish he was. I had vivid dreams about him.

That's all I recall. I suppose I am and grieved by this post.

Bealocwealm hafað fréone frecan forth onsended
giedd sculon singan gléomenn sorgiende
on Meduselde þæt he ma no wære
his dryhtne dyrest and mæga deorost.

Funny enough, I sing that song often. It's a mourning song.


I decided to make a post just because I found something hilarious.
Probably no one finds it hilarious as I do.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA
FUCKKKKK
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Funny shit muchly.
LOL.
Still can't stop laughing. Sometimes when I laugh it gets so severe that I actually roll on the floor. Not today though. It's so not worth rolling on the floor about.

Alright sure, I'm a sadist most of the time. I like to laugh at people's pain. Wait, no, I'm not that mean, but hmm say, I do laugh at the stupidity of the male species. YES, they are very fun to watch and you get to bed feeling so good about yourself because you are more than that.

HAHAHAHAHHH!
No one understands how funny it is.
Still.

HAHA!


ACK! PIMPLES!

Once again, they've managed to reproduce rather rapidly to create a settlement on the fertile mother land. The overdoses of Oxy 10 killed them, but they've managed to reproduce again.

I need a new sleeping position; face up.
I'm afraid to sleep like that, having to had a scary experience whereby some unknown force was pushing me down and I couldn't breathe, thrice. I haven't told anyone.
But shit, everytime that happens I've always thought I wouldn't be able to fight back and finally die.

I can't go to class with this two HUGE ones near my mouth.
How revolting.


"The world is a dangerous place to live in, not because of the people that do evil; but because of the people that stand by and let them do it." -Albert Einstein

(I'm sorry I'm not brave to be V.)


holy fuck! I forgot today is the 5th of November!

Gosh, so sorry Guy Fawkes & THE EVER SO FICTIONAL V!

Remember, remember, the 5th of November
The Gunpowder Treason and plot;
I know of no reason why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

I LOVE V!

Though I don't think it's a joyous occasion to be celebrated upon.
Failure is not joyous.

And V died on the 5th of November.
=[


I have the fear of being boring (and no, I didn't make this fear up so I could have the same personality trait as Christian Bale.) And note: Boring is not equals to BORED if you haven't figured that out.

Well that explains why I'm always not keen on going home with someone, or I avoid taking the same train with my classmates ever so dearly. It's because I'm afraid I'll bore everyone, be it mumbling on something no one has an interest on, or just being silent and let the person beside me die of boredom. Gah, I get so stressful when I really have nothing to say. Seeing this poor worn out brain of mine can't seem to think up of something witty in a really really short time.

It's worse when you're with this boring one-word person. (Convo was made up, no relation to the dead or alive.)
Me: Hey! That was funnnn!
Person: Yeah.
Me: Which part was the nicest?
Person: Uhm Ferris wheel.
*silence*
Me: Did you brush your teeth?
Person: Yes.
Me: I use Darlie! It's the best I reckon.
Person: Oh ok.

That kind of conversations usually make me feel really really shitty. You get out of the train thinking the person has got bad impression on you, and I've probably said the stupidest thing in the course of my entire life. Sometimes I don't bother to talk at all to this kind of people. Or maybe, I might sometimes subconsiously become this type of one-word person. Boring.

That's why I like to make myself interesting. They say I'm funny, but they're laughing at me cause I'm lame. Suddenly being a clown seems like the nicest thing to do. It makes me really happy. In one day I could probably laugh a million times and smile a gazillion times. Why am I so generous with smiles and laughter? It's going to take a toll on my face, giving underage wrinkles. =( But heck, haha, having something to talk about is probably the best thing that could happen in a day.

And I hate boredom too. Who doesn't?
For me, when there's nothing to do, I'll have more time to think. And well, you know me, when I think too much I get too contemplative and it's going to make me kill myself or something.

=[

I read up on my horoscope.
Cancer has indefinable fears. Whoopdefuckingdo, that says a lot.


What is it about your past that you hate so much? I mean, I read about people trying to deny their past so as to loathe it so much. It's making it worse. You're suppressing it only to realise that it'll come to haunt you again.

The past is the future. It's the present. You can't run away from it. Whatever shit you did before, you can't just wish it to disappear forever. Accepting it is growing into a better person. Reflecting on the past and doing what ever possible to transform into something better is what makes you mature.

I won't deny that I have made many mistakes too, probably much worse and I got wasted. It's easy to say, 'oh if i hadn't done this', 'oh if i never knew what the black hole was like...' I'm constantly reminded how it was, because I don't want to be in the same situation again. This way I can be someone better, I can finally grow up and get out of it. You can't just erase it as if it meant nothing to you. The past has moulded you into the present, it has made you into this person. If you didn't go through that shit in your life, did you think you'd be the same by now? You'd probably be partying around like fucking idiots who haven't grown up.

Then and again I say to myself, thank god I went through that. Thank god you know what it's like to want to kill yourself and fail at life. Thank god you can't keep any fucking friends to be there for you. Thank you, thank you.

If life were that easy, I would've been like mindless fuckwits out there, lustful, blissful and free. It would've been harder for them to appreciate every breath, every day, every sunlight. It would've been harder to observe everyone around you and empathise with them. Thank god, that I feel so sorry for everyone that sometimes I cry for the old man walking down the street.

What's the one thing you want to erase from your life?

I want to erase my secondary school life, I want to erase my graduation day, I want to erase primary 6, I want to erase almost everything. Call me a senseless shit who doesn't appreciate anyone who appeared during that period. It was so fucking painful for me. It was so fucking painful to live. And graduation day was the worse episode of my life, because I got to see how much I was worth. It was like, I never existed.

And maybe they were right. I'm an insignificant fuck.

But you see, if everyone accepted me back then, I wouldn't be this person right now. I would still be emotionally dependent, I would cry every second I'm left to be by myself, I would have died. The past was a blast. I can't deny that it hurts still and is still hard to get over it.
But hey, at least I'm trying.


Maybe things didn't go exactly as you planned, but it did happen. Maybe it's just not enough.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful. I cherish every genuine smile anyone gives me, I love it when anyone lights up when they see me, I love it when anyone says my name. Sometimes we do things without realising how much it'll impact someone. May it be a rude word like 'stupid' or a kind smile, wow, you can blow someone away.
Maybe you're not taking every day one step at a time, maybe you can't even see the slightest possible happiness around you. A 'how do you do' question might not even mean anything to you.

But you know what? I'm taking one day at a time. I want to go back up there where I was meant to be. Not in this dark place. When someone smiles at me I'm just mesmerised. I don't know, it's just this tingly feeling inside that makes me perky all day.

Well enough about that. I just suffered from an unfortunate incident of a broken dream. Yep, heartwrenching. But oh well. Optimism.

I want to formulate a holiday to do list. (and don't know what I hope to acheive doing it anyways, considering I have only ONE week and it's called E-learning.)

1)Finish knitting the maroon scarf.
2)Knit a beanie.
3)Do autocad.
4)Re-learn Electronics.
5)Live everyday like god knows who cares.
6)Paint.
7)Finish my Johnny Depp drawing.
8)Start on a Christian Bale one.
9)Create a Christian Bale shrine.
10)Write.

Looks like someone isn't going to be sleeping for sometime now. Haha, I want to do things revolving around art for the time being.


I was thinking about what to blog about when I get home.
It was supposed to be,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *insert swear word here*

Thinking how pathetically stupid I've been, thinking about saving myself from embarassment rather than DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. God damn it, it's not really easy being shy you know. People seem to think I'm proud and 'action' and my dear Jasmine says it, but I'm not. I'm just really frightened to approach anyone.

Now back to what I was saying...

You know what?! OMG I think even if it's for a little while, I'M SO BLOODY LUCKY TODAYYYYYY.

Right now I suppose my face is red and I'm grinning to myself yet again. It's probably not even safe to blog about it. But hehehehehe. I'm not excited or anything, I just feel witty and gay(happy)! I could've skipped all the way home and eat ice-cream and whatnot.

Seriously, I thought it would just be like every other day, depressing and lonely as always. Cause I somehow failed to be friendly at least. Not that I purposely wanted to, but I was scared of not being accepted. I was about to eat my way to obesity and hoped I drowned in all the gassy hari raya drinks at home.

If there wasn't a turning point, do you think I'd be grinning right now?

=) =) =) *x hundred smiley faces*

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
YUM YUM YUM.
ME LIKE MY CUTE GUY!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm going to let myself be happy today. I don't care if happiness is totally strange to me. I don't have to put myself down with comments like, 'right, like you're worth it'. I was about to say I was a worthless pile of shit when it suddenly dawned upon me that shit do have value. It fertilises plants and make good fruits! If I was a worthless pile of trash, ever heard of the saying, 'one's man trash is another man's treasure'? See, always look on the positive side of things.

I will let this feeling stay here for a while. I want to prance in a little dress and lick lollipops. I will let myself be happy today.

YAY.